Just when I thought craigslist "missed connections" couldn't get any better...
Subject: Hey! Roommate! Stop being crazy! Pleeeeeeeeeeze?
HEY! Yes, roomie of mine, this is what you've brought me too. I can't say it to your crazy face, so I'm just throwing it out here. You. Need. To. Stop. Being. So damn crazy. PLEASE??? It's easy, the rest of us have been doing it for years. And look at us. We're a happy, fun bunch, right? You could be too. We'll baby-step it, okay? I know, you've been crazy for so freaking long, you're afraid to let go of it, right? It's all you know, right? And so far it's been no great shakes, but you're thinking, what if being not crazy is even worse than being crazy? Well, trust me, it's not. Take it from us, each and every one of the people around you who are not crazy, but are forced to put up with your craziness every day. Being not crazy is goooooooooood. And you are invited!!!! You!!! Because you're so goddamn special. I'll be your tour guide. Let's begin with the basics:
1. You are not ill. You're not. You don't have West Nile Virus (San Francisco, oddly enough, is not the balmy mosquito hot-spot that you think it is. Plus, you may have noticed it's WINTER!) You don't have Mad Cow Disease. You don't have Bird Flu. You don't even have a speck of a hint of an allergy. So stop choosing a different illness to succumb to each month, just so you have something to complain about. What you actually have is a body that is tired and rundown by an appallingly sedentary lifestyle. I'll bet you've got bedsores the size of Sacajawea dollars. Fresh air and sunlight do a body good, honey. Try it some time. Go out of the door, and take a breath. Maybe even a couple of steps. But remember--baby steps. You gotta run a few 5Ks before you shoot for the marathon, champ!
2. Nobody wants to steal your identity. They don't. Think about it. Do YOU even want to be you? And it's actually a tad more difficult to do than you think it is. So relax. It's okay to talk on the phone loudly, in public, or to get mail (!), or to do all of those sane people things the rest of us do without a second thought. So give it a try. The next time you get a receipt, or a postcard--drop it on the street, or into a rubbish bin before you burn it/shred it/eat it/what have you. Give it a couple weeks--there's still only ONE YOU!!!!
3. Stop laughing like a horse. (Okay, that really has nothing to do with this whole 'crazy' issue, but please. You'll find that less people flee you if you tone down that crazy head toss and horsey guffaw. If you like, I'll help you make a video of this phenomenon and we can arrange a viewing together. But be prepared. It's not pretty.)
4.You've got to stop living in filth. I've seen animals that keep their habitats cleaner than you do. Seriously. Do you think this is normal? What if by some inexplicable twist of fate you hit it off with some other crazy person one night and end up taking them home with you and into your room? How do you suppose they would react? Filth is not sexy. I'm concerned that one day I'll think you've left town unexpectedly, but you're actually just buried underneath a pile of your own garbage/clothing/excrement/what have you. If I find even one chicken bone underneath your bed, so help me God...
I think this should give you plenty to work with for now. I know it's the weekend, and you want to let your crazy hair down and just veg out like an invalid or an elderly shut-in, but what say we work on steps one and three this weekend? Just for kicks? We'll ease into it. I think you're gonna like what you find.
And I know you're gonna read this and think, "Oh my God, this is totally about me. Oh my God. Oh my God!!!" Well, this time, for the first time--yes, it is actually about you. You're not just being crazy. Look at you making progress!
HEY! Yes, roomie of mine, this is what you've brought me too. I can't say it to your crazy face, so I'm just throwing it out here. You. Need. To. Stop. Being. So damn crazy. PLEASE??? It's easy, the rest of us have been doing it for years. And look at us. We're a happy, fun bunch, right? You could be too. We'll baby-step it, okay? I know, you've been crazy for so freaking long, you're afraid to let go of it, right? It's all you know, right? And so far it's been no great shakes, but you're thinking, what if being not crazy is even worse than being crazy? Well, trust me, it's not. Take it from us, each and every one of the people around you who are not crazy, but are forced to put up with your craziness every day. Being not crazy is goooooooooood. And you are invited!!!! You!!! Because you're so goddamn special. I'll be your tour guide. Let's begin with the basics:
1. You are not ill. You're not. You don't have West Nile Virus (San Francisco, oddly enough, is not the balmy mosquito hot-spot that you think it is. Plus, you may have noticed it's WINTER!) You don't have Mad Cow Disease. You don't have Bird Flu. You don't even have a speck of a hint of an allergy. So stop choosing a different illness to succumb to each month, just so you have something to complain about. What you actually have is a body that is tired and rundown by an appallingly sedentary lifestyle. I'll bet you've got bedsores the size of Sacajawea dollars. Fresh air and sunlight do a body good, honey. Try it some time. Go out of the door, and take a breath. Maybe even a couple of steps. But remember--baby steps. You gotta run a few 5Ks before you shoot for the marathon, champ!
2. Nobody wants to steal your identity. They don't. Think about it. Do YOU even want to be you? And it's actually a tad more difficult to do than you think it is. So relax. It's okay to talk on the phone loudly, in public, or to get mail (!), or to do all of those sane people things the rest of us do without a second thought. So give it a try. The next time you get a receipt, or a postcard--drop it on the street, or into a rubbish bin before you burn it/shred it/eat it/what have you. Give it a couple weeks--there's still only ONE YOU!!!!
3. Stop laughing like a horse. (Okay, that really has nothing to do with this whole 'crazy' issue, but please. You'll find that less people flee you if you tone down that crazy head toss and horsey guffaw. If you like, I'll help you make a video of this phenomenon and we can arrange a viewing together. But be prepared. It's not pretty.)
4.You've got to stop living in filth. I've seen animals that keep their habitats cleaner than you do. Seriously. Do you think this is normal? What if by some inexplicable twist of fate you hit it off with some other crazy person one night and end up taking them home with you and into your room? How do you suppose they would react? Filth is not sexy. I'm concerned that one day I'll think you've left town unexpectedly, but you're actually just buried underneath a pile of your own garbage/clothing/excrement/what have you. If I find even one chicken bone underneath your bed, so help me God...
I think this should give you plenty to work with for now. I know it's the weekend, and you want to let your crazy hair down and just veg out like an invalid or an elderly shut-in, but what say we work on steps one and three this weekend? Just for kicks? We'll ease into it. I think you're gonna like what you find.
And I know you're gonna read this and think, "Oh my God, this is totally about me. Oh my God. Oh my God!!!" Well, this time, for the first time--yes, it is actually about you. You're not just being crazy. Look at you making progress!