Arashi: 40,000 km (2/2)
ALASKA.
Sho’s heard that Juneau in the summer is like any other city with a moderate climate: blue skies, green grass, flowers, warm temperatures - he’s heard that because the city is so far north that in the summer, the sun is a near constant figure in the sky. Six months of perpetual sunshine.
Sho should have come by in the summer, because it is absolutely freezing here in the winter. The air is so cold that it burns his lungs. Sho’s never realized just how much he takes breathing for granted until it costs him so much pain just to do it. He tugs his snot-soaked scarf a little higher over his nose and hurries quickly past the docks.
Juneau’s petite downtown area is packed with tourists, all clamouring to get in and out of several large cruise ships lined up at the harbour. They resemble a living mass of bobbing heads more than individual people. Sho has grown up in Tokyo though, so this many people is nothing stressful. He has little difficulty navigating through the crowd to find a smaller, less flamboyant touring boat. Sho hands his ticket to the captain, finds himself a seat, and strikes up a conversation with an elderly couple from Florida, who are hoping to catch sight of some humpback and minke whales before the end of the week. Sho's grasp of English had been less than adequate when he'd first left home, but now, three English speaking countries later, he feels as if he's back up to the standards of his years at Keio. It's not too long before the boat is full of passengers and they're pulling away from shore, gliding through the blue Alaskan waters like scissors through cloth.
Out in the ocean, the air is even colder than it was on land and bites deeply with every inhale, making Sho seriously reconsider the value in being here. Surely seeing the icebergs can’t be worth his only set of lungs? The waters are calm, but the brisk pace of their boat leaves the wind whipping at Sho's face right in the direction the icebergs are supposed to be, so he resorts to turning around on the spot every few moments just to get a reprieve from the numbness in his cheeks. His timing ends up being fortuitous, because he spins back to face the hull of the boat just in time to see the tip of the first icebergs, peeking over the horizon line. They expand, each respective base growing larger and larger for every second their boat draws nearer - it seems to take forever, and for a split second, Sho thinks that they will never stop growing, as if they are continually sucking up water to feed their giant size. But no.
Some of the icebergs are smaller than others, and soon the boat is streaming through a patch of water littered with ice as hard as rock, some pieces as small as Sho’s head, some rising upwards to what looks like a hundred feet. Their boat pulls slowly up to one of the larger ones, and an overarching piece of ice towers over Sho like a huge arm, bent to pull him under.
Their tour guide reminds them that ninety percent of the iceberg is below the water, hidden from view. It’s something amazing to Sho: even small things can carry so much weight, underneath the surface.
That night, Sho has another dream.
“So, the hiatus is really happening, I believe.”
“Hm,” Ohno says, looking down into his sake cup.
“I think it’s a good idea,” his own voice says. “We deserve the rest. I honestly think it’s a much better alternative to pushing ourselves so hard that we burn out. The break will be good; we can come back refreshed and with more energy.”
“Hm, yeah,” Ohno agrees. “But it’s not about us, is it?”
“No?” A laugh. “Then who is it about?”
Ohno shrugs, an elegant sweep of his still-delicate shoulders. (Whenever Ohno shrugged, Sho’s palms itched to touch.) “We’re not selling as much anymore. Didn’t Jun-kun say that we’re costing a lot to produce? It’s just business sense, taking us out for a little bit. I think.”
Staring. “Ohno-san, that’s quite... astute of you.”
A side glance at him. “Sho-kun’s noticed too.”
Yes. “I - well, yes, I suppose.”
“It’s a season for change,” Ohno says.
“Is that a line from one of our songs?” Meant to be a joke, and such a warm feeling he gets when Ohno laughs.
“It might be.”
“Are you nervous about the hiatus, Ohno-san?”
Ohno smiles lopsidedly. “Nope. I’m going to use it wisely.”
Laudable. “No regrets, eh.” Sho understands.
“No regrets.”
And they clink their cups together in a toast.
Sho opens his eyes, the chime of the glasses still ringing in his ears.
There is something distinctly painful in dreaming about a situation that has already happened, but with your mind making a different ending for it. A happier ending.
Ohno really had said, “Nope, I’m going to use it wisely,” but Sho hadn’t proposed the toast. The obvious thing to say after Ohno’s admission would be to ask, “What are you planning to do?” but for some reason, Sho hadn’t. Something must have short-circuited between his brain and his mouth because the next words out of his mouth turned out to be, “Isn’t it about time?”
Even now, months after the event, Sho can still perfectly recall the expression of surprise mixed with puzzlement that had formed on Ohno’s face. Sho had hastened to apologize for blurting out such a rude comment, but Ohno quickly looked away, raising his cup again to his lips. His laugh, right before he took a sip, was more bitter than anything.
Sho hates that he said anything at all. He should have just nodded and taken another drink. Instead, his careless comment had hurt Ohno, and that was unforgiveable. But Ohno had misunderstood. Sho hadn’t meant to say that it was about time Ohno started being more of an adult. What Sho had accidentally said hadn’t even been meant for him.
He’d been struck dumb; face to face with a happy, relaxed Ohno Satoshi, a slightly determined Ohno Satoshi, Ohno who once again proved how much more he was by doing so little. Sho had been struck dumb by how much - how much he-
Sho had said, “Isn’t it about time?” and he’d been talking to himself.
When Sho had realized that, that was when he’d really started to down the drinks. He doesn’t remember anything more about that night, other than Ohno taking him home.
And the following week, during their show’s New Year’s Special recording, after the wedding jokes had died down, Jun had asked Ohno what had prompted him to make such a bold resolution this year.
Ohno’s answer was this: “Sho-san inspired me.”
-----
Date: Mar 20, 2015
Subject: re: re: (none)
You climbed the cliff!!! Aiba showed us the pictures. We were all very proud. Nino lost a lot of money. He doesn’t want to pay, but don’t worry i’ll make him.
thank you for the advice about acting. I don’t think I am the best actor but I will do my best. Sho-chan isn’t lacking in anything!! so don’t say that.
Big big news!! I passed my driving test!! My parents are very proud about it. Well, everyone is, right? I am too! My test was pretty hard and sometimes my driving officer said I was going a bit too slow, but in the end he said I did quite a good job. He seemed very pleased!
Sho-chan, how do you know when it’s time to leave somewhere? Even if you like where you are?
Satoshi
-----
Things Sho notices right away: still no mention of the relationship, and ah, finally, a question that Sho can answer.
He spends around an hour detailing a long explanation about the process involved in how long he decided to stay in each country and which places to visit. There wasn’t really any significant reason he chose the cities he did, other than possessing some natural or architectural wonder that Sho was curious to experience. Basically, for Sho, it came down to this: he tried to make each subsequent city more interesting than the last, so he’d have something great to look forward to as he travelled. And because he’s never one to do something spur of the moment (well, not counting the trip in its entirety), he’d made sure each of his flights were booked before he’d even left Japan.
What would happen if Sho loved the place so much he didn’t want to leave? It would never happen. The thought never even crossed his mind.
Sho pauses, fingers warm on the keyboard. There’s that feeling again, flickering in the corners of his mind.
Is he really out here because he wanted to explore the world?
He’s enjoying himself and learning a lot, but he’s not growing attached to any place he visits. Truthfully, it’s not as... fulfilling as he’d imagined it to be. In fact, the further Sho travels, the more he finds himself missing Japan. He did bring his camera to film footage for New Zero, but he can’t say he planned this trip with that intention specifically in mind. More than anything, it feels like he’s biding his time, giving himself something to do during the six month hiatus from Arashi. Keeping himself busy.
That’s not a pleasant notion. Before those thoughts start distracting him, Sho hurriedly finishes his paragraph and sends off the email.
A day later come Ohno’s reply.
-----
Date: Mar 22, 2015
Subject: re: re: re: re: (none)
No, that’s not what i meant. I meant, not your places. Other places, like home, and family.... familiar places. If I like the place but still feel like it would be best for me to leave, when should i do it?
Satoshi
-----
That doesn’t make sense, Sho thinks. Ohno’s already moved out of his parents’ house. Unless he means-
He couldn’t. It’s only been a few months.
Sho reviews his inbox. There hasn’t been an email from Nino in over a week.
NEW YORK.
New York City is one place that Sho can count on to never change. Its skyscrapers, its history, its relentless come-on-come-on energy, it’s all unique to New York and coming back again years after his Yatterman premiere still inspires in Sho all the same feelings from his first trip here, back when Arashi had only just been formed. There’s an urgent pulse that thrums through this city; it permeates the musky atmosphere and sweeps Sho along with its tide of movement. New York is a different sort of city than Tokyo or Mumbai or Beijing - because the majority of its buildings were erected so long ago, most of the city’s architecture has remained stagnant for decades, and Sho easily recognizes all the world famous landmarks: Time Square, the Empire State Building, Central Park. It’s a comforting feeling, to know that no matter how much the world changes, places as illustrious as The Big Apple will still stay largely the same, marching to its own beat.
Sho appreciates dependability like that.
Sho films his afternoon spent on Ellis Island and Liberty Island, and because News Zero’s producers thought it would be valuable for the program, Sho is given the white card to visit the top of the Statue of Liberty. The view from the top is magnificent, with the steel grey waters sprawling around him in every direction, and Manhattan’s renowned skyline to the northeast.
Amazingly, Sho is recognized by a few Japanese tourists. They ask what Sakurai-san is doing in America by himself, and Sho gives them the short answer, holding up his digital camera wryly.
“I bet the other Arashi members miss Sakurai-kun terribly,” titters one middle-aged lady.
Sho laughs. “I’m sure they’re surviving quite well, however.”
“Ah, certainly,” the lady smiles. “Arashi really are respectable young men, after all. I personally didn’t believe that tabloid article for a second, and I’m sure Sakurai-kun didn’t either!”
Sho’s eyebrows rise. “I’m sorry. What tabloid article?”
The article is about Ohno and Nino.
Apparently, two nights ago, Ohno and Nino were spotted having a quarrel outside of a bar. That’s what the article reads: A public quarrel between Arashi members Ohno and Ninomiya!! The pictures (obviously taken with a cell phone) are dark and grainy, and neither of their features are particularly distinguishable, but those twin slouches - it couldn’t be anyone else. The photos are of the two of them crossing the parking lot and into Nino’s car, but the witness says that only a few seconds before that, they had been huddled by the back of the building, heads close together. Ninomiya had been gesturing, pointing a lot. Ohno had been shrugging, shaking his head. Ohno had grabbed Ninomiya’s wrists but Ninomiya had jerked away, then raised his voice.
“Can you stop being such a fucking idiot and just say it since-” he’d apparently shouted, before Ohno had pushed a finger to his own lips, hissing for quiet. Ninomiya had deflated, and after a few more hushed seconds of talking, they two of them had walked to the car. In the photo, there is a fair bit of distance between their figures. Their faces are too shadowed to be seen clearly.
“What could have sparked just a violent reaction from the normally calm and collected Ninomiya-kun?” the tabloid writes. “Follow Bubka as we dig up more of this mystery!!”
Sho hadn’t known. Honestly, he hasn’t been keeping on top of Arashi-related news. With the hiatus, Sho hadn’t assumed there was need to. As long as he kept in regular contact via email, then that was sufficient to keep tabs on the others’ activities. But this - Sho had no idea. How was he expected to know? Ohno has mentioned nothing and Nino hasn’t been in contact lately. How much of this bystander account was truth and how much was exaggeration; how much of it was a blatant lie?
Why hadn’t anyone thought to notify him? Had they all been planning to wait until Sho stumbled across the report himself? Did they think that he was so busy with his trip that he wouldn’t care about something like this? Or - were they sure that it would only make things more troublesome for him?
Sho swallows down a dredge of guilt and opens up his email to send a quick message of concern to Nino, but to his surprise, there’s already a message waiting for him. Sho hasn’t checked his email since leaving Alaska, not since he’d filed Ohno’s most recent email into his drafts folder with no answer. Nino’s email is from yesterday.
He says that he’s sorry he hasn’t been emailing regularly, but there’s been a lot on his mind. “u’ve probably already read the news by now, huh sho-chan,” he writes. “It wasn’t a fight, you know. Not really. But anyway, i’m thinking that it’s probably best if oh-chan moves out.” He writes that he thinks Ohno likely feels the same way, and if anything happens, it will be a mutual decision, and that Sho should, above all things, not worry, because they were both fine.
“thx for bearing with this, even though you’re not here,” Nino’s message reads. “hope you understand.”
But Sho’s not sure he does.
At the crux of the matter, Sho appreciates dependability. Sho appreciates his friends. And Sho appreciates boundaries. Sho understands his place in things, because he takes care to note his surroundings. Talk show, news show, variety show, each of these places requires a different face and Sho can don them all. Host, anchor, comedian, Sho can play these parts because he knows what is expected of him in whatever scenario. This is something all idols are trained to handle. As a friend, he knows his role too.
Sho likes to think of himself as a good person, with good morals. And Sho cares for Arashi. He would rather die than ruin any of the other member’s happiness. What is important to Sho is to keep the relationships that are precious to him, because they are a part of his life, and he depends on them just like he depends on air.
Nino is his best friend and Sho has his obligations.
Although it can’t be past midnight in Japan, the line rings for what feels like ages. When it is finally picked up, it’s not Nino’s voice who answers.
“Sho-kun,” says Jun.
“Eh?” Sho says. “Sorry, my mistake, Jun-kun. I thought this was Nino’s cell - maybe I accidentally called the wrong number.”
“No no, this is Nino’s cell. He’s just avoiding you.”
“Oh. But he sent me an email-”
“Aiba and I pressured him to write it.”
Of course. “I see.”
“He’s been a bit stressed lately,” Jun says sarcastically.
“Is he there? Is he with Ohno?”
“He’s here. He’s got his gaming headphones on and is pretending that he can’t hear a word I say, but I KNOW HE’S REALLY LISTENING IN, ISN’T HE. Ohno is with Aiba right now, probably getting drunk off their asses.”
“Is this behaviour really required?” Sho sighs.
“Whose? Nino’s? Not a bit. Ohno’s? Maybe a little. But we’re all adults here, aren’t we?” Jun doesn’t wait for an answer. “How are you, Sho-kun? Thanks for the pictures of Alaska - the water there looks stunning.”
“It really was. And I’m fine. I’m in New York.” Sho darts a quick glance to the calendar on his computer. “Shouldn’t you be on a plane in a few hours? Why are you watching Nino play video games?”
“Trust me, I’m only here out of necessity: he’s driving me to the airport later. Although maybe now he won’t, out of spite, since he didn’t want me answering your call.”
“He’s upset, huh,” Sho pauses as he debates his next words. “I went to the Statue of Liberty today and met some tourists from home. They were the ones who told me about the scandal.”
Jun grunts. “We really should have made Nino write that email earlier, but he was stubborn. I apologize that you had to find out that way.”
“But it’s not too big of a deal, is it?” Sho asks, maybe a bit desperately. “I mean, idols get into fights all the time. It’s not unheard of. I’m sure the rumours will pass.”
Jun’s voice is oddly flat when he replies, “That’s not the issue here, I think.”
“No,” Sho pinches the bridge of his nose. “I guess not.” His left hand drifts to rub at his temple - another headache. “Can I talk to him?”
“I think that would be a good idea.” There’s the sound of rustling, then a faint chiming of game music. “For you,” Jun says.
“I’m busy,” Nino’s voice replies crossly.
“It’s Sho. Come on, take the phone.”
“Doesn’t he have anything better to do? New York isn’t exactly a boring city, you know. Hey, hey! Don’t you dare-”
“I’m going to press it.”
“Don’t press, don’t press it. Alright, geez, fine, I’ll take the phone, give me the phone.” The cell switches hands with a slapping sound and the game tune disappears.
Nino comes on the line. “Hi, Sho-chan,” he whines. “Jun-kun is a sadist.”
“Hello, Nino,” Sho says. He can almost hear Jun rolling his eyes in the background. “How are you feeling?”
“Great. Fantastic. Dancing on the spot right now.”
“I’m assuming you don’t want to talk about it, then.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. It’s been resolved.”
Something sharp pierces into Sho’s gut. “Everything? Just like that.”
Nino tsks. “It wasn’t that complicated. We were just avoiding the issue. And then it got thrust out in the open anyway, so we had to deal with that. We’ll be fine, Sho-chan. Did you get my email?”
“Yes, I got it, thank you. So... are you two still together, then?”
“For now. But probably not for much longer.”
“Nino, I th-”
“Don’t,” Nino cuts in, and his voice sounds deliberately light. “It’s for the best. Since he started fishing again, he’s been coming home everyday smelling like the ocean. Makes me nauseous,” he jokes. “I can’t live like that for the rest of my life.”
“Still. I’m sorry it worked out like this. Are you sure you’re making the right decision?”
“Oh-chan seems not to think so, but whose word are you going to take, mine or his?”
This flippancy is starting to become irritating. “Nino...”
“Sho,” Nino says firmly. “I know I’m not the type of person who has any idea about how romance works, but even I’m not such an emotionally incapacitated dumbass to stay in a relationship where the person isn’t happy.”
This is the exact thing Sho had been dreading to hear. His guilt increases tenfold. Just because of that stupid key issue? “Nino, don’t be ridiculous. You’ve always loved Satoshi-kun. You’re going to have your ups and downs but you can’t be so paranoid as to think that Satoshi-kun would leav-”
Nino interrupts him. “What kind of person do you take me for, Sho? It wasn’t me who wasn’t happy and refused to admit it.”
“It was-” Oh. Ohno? Wait, what did this mean? How? Why? Ohno was always meant to be with Nino. Sho knew, right from the very start-
“I really thought that it would be a good thing, us together,” Nino laughs shortly, voice quieter now. “But stuff doesn’t always work out the way you plan. Ah, well,” he lets out a breath, “that’s life, right?”
Sho swallows. “Yeah,” he whispers. “Yeah.”
HAWAII.
“How’s your neck feeling, by the way?” Jun asks, setting their drinks down on the table. He immediately takes the pink umbrella decoration out of his cup and lines it up neatly with the three others from his previous drinks.
Sho stretches a bit. “Much better. It wasn’t too serious of a fall.”
“You looked like you really wiped out, though,” Jun says. “I thought for sure your head had gotten hit by your board.”
“I’m sure it looked like a spectacular failure,” Sho laughs, reaching for his own cup. “You’re quite good at surfing though, Jun-kun. Please give me some more pointers next time.”
“Sure, we can go again tomorrow.”
“Actually, you know what,” Sho makes an exaggerated grimace. “I think my neck is acting up - I was kidding before, I did get hit on the head. I’d probably be best if I sat tomorrow out.”
“Nice try,” Jun says. “I’ll rent a board for you first thing in the morning.”
It’s easy for him to say, Sho thinks, because Jun is a pretty decent surfer. He may not be the best, but he isn’t having trouble simply climbing onto his board. When Sho surfs it’s like he’s never stood on his own two feet before. But it had been a day of great weather, and the water was perfect and warm, so even Sho who felt like a fool for wiping out so many times couldn’t stay in a bad mood. And seeing Jun in his element, vibrant and elated, that had been a treat on its own.
Hawaii is beautiful. The seafood here is nearly as juicy as the fruits. Being such a popular tourist attraction, there are many different cultures of people vacationing, all of them friendly and glad to be on the island. Sho’s resort is all inclusive, has massage parlours, an open bar, and holds luau competitions every night; he and Jun had sat in once and agreed that Aiba could have had all those participants beat.
Sho’s having a good time in Hawaii. It’s funny, but it almost feels like a vacation from his vacation - this entire world trip of his has really been a lot more stressful than Sho had anticipated, and coming to Hawaii and meeting up with Jun, who is the one member Sho worries about the least, is a tidal wave of relief. During their younger years, Sho would have to admit that hanging around the young Matsumoto-kun was about as awkward as dancing in a suit three sizes too big, but now that they’ve spent so long together, Sho can safely say that Jun’s company is something that Sho no longer takes for granted. Jun reserves spots at the restaurant ahead of time, remembers Sho’s favourite types of wine, and throughout dinner asks Sho engaging questions about the places he’d already visited.
Having Jun here makes Sho miss the other members more.
“Hey,” Jun says, after a silence. “Are you okay?”
“No, I’m fine,” Sho says quickly, snapping back to attention. “I’m not in any pain, really. If you want to go surfing again tomorrow, that’s fine with me.”
“I wasn’t talking about your accident,” Jun clarifies. He clears his throat, then plows onwards. “I was referring to Ohno and Nino.”
Sho tenses visibly. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, how are you taking their whole fight? It’s affecting you, isn’t it? If they broke up, would it be something you’re okay with?”
“What do I have to do with anything?” Sho asks, flabbergasted. “Nino made it perfectly clear that it was his choice, and he knows what he’s doing. I mean, I wish for their happiness and I was surprised about the news, but I don’t - I have nothing to do with the decision,” he finishes lamely.
Jun blinks at him. “Come on. You can’t seriously believe that.”
“What?”
“That you had nothing to do with the fight.”
Sho stares at Jun while the bottom half of his stomach detaches itself and sinks, sinks, sinks. “Ehh? I didn’t!” Sho sputters, nearly spitting out his mouthful of liquor. “I didn’t even know about the scandal until Nino had already made up his mind to stop living with Satoshi.”
“Did Nino not mention in his email, what they were arguing about?” Jun asks sceptically.
“He said it was... already resolved.”
Jun sighs. “That fucking prick. I told him to-anyway, too late. I’m guessing Ohno didn’t say anything to you, either?”
“I haven’t emailed him in a while,” Sho admits, and the words are like a shot of sobriety into his system.
“Why not?”
“I’ve been rather busy, in the last few cities. Filming.” Such a flimsy excuse. Sho swallows air.
“Really.”
“Yes. That is - I, I suppose, also, it... didn’t seem prudent. He asked me a question in his last email, and I didn’t know how to answer it without... being biased.” Oh God. Sho panics, eyes widening. The alcohol has turned off his reasoning. Why did he say that? It was too revealing; does Sho want to have more questions that he can’t answer? “I’ll reply soon,” he rushes to add, to save himself. “But I did send him a quick text, after calling Nino that night. I just asked if he was doing all right, and he replied yes.”
Jun leans back in his chair, a considering expression on his face. “I see,” he says. Sho wonders, is it too late to take answer back? Likely yes. He wonders about the picture he must make: well on his way to being drunk, sunburn across his cheeks, his hair frizzy from all the salt in the water, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt he’d been so sure was fashionable that morning but caused Jun to take one look at and scoffed. If the roiling state of Sho’s insides is any indication, an expression that is half dread, half numbness must be plastered on his face like sweat from the heat.
After a long pause, Jun speaks. “Sho-kun, may I ask you a personal question?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Why did you decide to go on your trip?”
“It felt like a good opportunit-”
“A real answer, please.”
Sho’s quick burst of anger is unavoidable. “Pardon?”
“I wondered if that really was your motivation?”
“Jun-kun,” Sho snaps, “I appreciate you trying to give me this pep-talk, or whatever you make it out to be, but I don’t like you assuming you know me better than I know myself.”
Jun lowers his gaze. “I don’t presume any such thing, but I do think you’re in denial about something and refusing to admit it. It suits you to be travelling, Sho-kun, but with the abruptness of your decision to make this trip, somehow, kind of... it felt like you’ve forced it upon yourself. Am I right?”
Ye-no. “What are you getting off on, interrogating me like this? Is this why you bought me all those drinks?!” Sho slams his cup down onto the table, shoving it away from him. This isn’t fair, what Jun is doing here. He has no right to be prodding into Sho’s privacy like this-
“I’m just sick of this stagnation,” Jun states back simply. “I was hoping that the hiatus would help clear the air, rather than make things fester.” He holds up three fingers and starts ticking them off. “Nino’s done his part, and Ohno’s waiting because he’s afraid of hurting anyone, but you are the one who’s avoiding the truth.” The remaining finger he levels at Sho, like an accusation.
“I fucking am not.”
“Then tell me why,” Jun says, “because personally, I don’t think it was that you went on this trip because you wanted to go to other places, but more that you wanted to leave Japan. Am I right?”
Sho falls into silence, stunned. He doesn’t have an answer for that, either. “I...”
“Because,” Jun continues, “I think it’s time for you to face your own feelings. Did you really give Ohno a key to your apartment without any ulterior motives?”
“Of course! It was a completely innocent gesture, what else could-”
“Then you’re telling me that you have no idea Nino thinks Ohno is in love with you?”
There are a number of metaphors for how a man feels when his entire world shifts on its axis, when he’s faced with a truth he’d never considered before, one that leaves his throat choked and mind completely paralyzed and bathes his vision in a new kind of light. If Sho had known that, then he - then he could have-
But he hadn’t.
Sho had not known.
He suddenly feels very light-headed.
Jun raises a hand to gently smack his cheek. “Sho-kun, breathe. I can’t believe this. You seriously didn’t know? What was the whole deal with Ohno wanting to become a better person for you, then?”
“Oh God,” Sho chokes. “I think I’m too sober to be having this conversation.”
“We can easily fix that,” Jun replies, and raises his fingers for the bartender.
How ironic, that it’s come full circle at this point. It was in Hawaii when Sho first noticed it: how close Nino and Ohno were. There, then, in what seems like another lifetime, cutting through the endless blue of the Pacific Ocean, heavy gale winds making each footstep a risk venture, a fifteen-year-old Nino (always so easily seasick) had held onto an eighteen-year-old Ohno for balance. Ohno Satoshi, whom Nino had met only a handful of times over a year ago, and whom he hadn’t had contact with since. Not Sho, his dependable best friend, or Aiba, his oldest friend, or Jun, the stubborn, graceful, determined one. It was Ohno, who looked like he didn’t even know what he was doing there with the rest of them.
At the time, Sho had been annoyed about it. There was nothing advantageous about Nino clinging onto your wrist and whispering inappropriate comments into your ear while the camera was shooting, but it was the principle of matter; Sho knew Ohno better than the other three members (maybe not much better, but being closer to his age had to afford Sho some rights), and didn’t understand what would make Ohno a more superior anchor than Sho. It wasn’t jealousy, per se, just confusion over what exactly it was that pulled Nino to Ohno, what it was that Sho lacked. Not quite jealousy, but maybe a bit.
But. But the more time Sho had spent with Ohno, the more Sho had understood. Ohno was not like just anyone else. There was something about him that endeared him to people, impressed people, amazed people; Nino had just noticed it first.
When it came to Ohno, Nino was first for everything.
Sho’s always been a coward at heart, but he takes comfort in his dependability, his respectfulness. If he could not cling to the attributes that made him at least a decently respectable person, then what is left of him but a mess of aching need for things that he cannot be? Cannot have? Can’t even admit to?
The rest of the evening is a mess of talk and memories that Sho had long tried to keep buried.
One night over two years ago, after a series of unprecedented concerts.
(“We’ve been going out to drink together a lot recently, haven’t we?”
“Sho-chan has the same taste in alcohol that I do. It’s easy to drink when it’s us two.”
“Very true,” Sho had nodded, squinting slightly. The light behind Ohno framed him in a fluorescent halo, catching the tips of his bleached hair on fire. So lovely. “Just out of curiousity, have you gone out drinking with Nino yet?”
Ohno had shaken his head. “No.”
“He’s been asking for a long time, you know.”
Ohno had titled his head. “Yeah. It’s not that I don’t want to. But I don’t - we don’t have the same tastes. It would be kind of troublesome then, wouldn’t it?”
“I’d make the effort, if it makes the other person is happy.” When Sho got drunk, he got honest. This habit has gotten him into trouble before, and he knew that, but being around Ohno, Sho couldn’t help but let his guard down.
“You’re a better person than I am,” Ohno had stated simply. Then, after they’d both taken another long sip of their drinks, Sho heard him add, quietly: “It’s much easier to be with you, Sho-chan.” At the time, it hadn’t sounded like a compliment, merely fact.
Sho, overwhelmed, hadn’t said anything in reply to that, and Ohno’s ensuing silence seemed heavier, somehow, although his slouch, the shape of his wet lips, the position of his thin eyebrows - they all remained the same. Sho had blinked, unsure of whether Ohno had really said anything or not, so he’d just nodded, and then the moment passed.)
An occasion, when Sho was picking up Ohno from an errand.
(“Sorry to make you pick me up,” Ohno had said, climbing into the passenger seat.
“It’s fine! What else am I good for?” Sho had joked.
“Lots of things, though.”
“Ah, I will treasure that sentiment, Ohno-san.” This was also supposed to be a joke, but Ohno had spent the rest of the ride to work tapping his long fingers against his chin, every so often bursting out with some other quality he liked about Sho. It had been fun, in an absurd kind of way.
“And Sho-chan has really nice lips! Girls love them.”
“Why thank you,” Sho had laughed. “I like your lips too.”
Ohno had pursed his lips together, making a kissy face.
“Careful,” Sho had warned teasingly. “You don’t want me swerving off the road.”
“You won’t. Sho-chan is dependable.”
Something to do with how satisfied Ohno sounded, saying that, had given Sho a very warm feeling. And the smile Ohno had given him then - it reminded Sho of all the reasons why Sho thought Ohno was a good person too.
But carrying that train of thought further had caused a feverish rush of panic in him - suddenly sweating palms, back tensing, eyes widening - so Sho had nipped off that bud before it could grow into anything concrete. He was supposed to be driving, not having stupid nonexistent revelations. He was dependable. Safe. Easy.
What he didn’t fully realize until later was that to have a budding notion like that -- it must have meant that the seed had already been planted.)
And the last time Sho had gone drinking with Ohno, before his trip.
(“Sho-chan, you’re drunk, eh?” Ohno’s voice had been amused.
“Aren’t you?”
They’d both giggled. “Not as much as you, I guess.”
“Satoshi-kun, you have a very cute laugh.”
“I like Sho-chan’s laugh. You can really feel the happiness behind it!”
No. Sho had sat up and shook his head. “I’m not happy,” he’d slurred. Getting drunk always got him so painfully honest.
“Why not?”
He covered his eyes with a hand. “You’re leaving me, Satoshi-kun. You’re leaving me behind.”
“Sho-kun, I’m staying right here. I’m right here. You’re the one going on a trip.”
“I’m going because it might help.”
Ohno had frowned. “Help what?”
But Sho had already been stamped down that train of thought. “Help... what? I’m not sure. I’m sorry. I’m very intoxicated right now. I didn’t mean to drink so much.”
Ohno had shut his eyes, briefly, looking tired. “All right, Sho-chan.”)
Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God. He’s been trying to avoid thinking about this, he’s tried so hard to just leave things be, forget it, think about other things, not let this be real; all of his denial had done nothing. The pestering thoughts, the suspicious dreams, and his own unconscious desires of wanting to be with Ohno, manifesting into actions that Sho had valiantly covered up with noble intentions-
(“Best of luck with Nino, Ohno-san. If you ever need anyone to talk to - or for anything at all. Please know that I’m here for you.”
“...thank you, Sho-chan. It’s nice of you.”
“I just worry about you, that’s all.”
“You don’t have to. Nino is a good person, Sho-chan.”
“You don’t need to remind me of that,” Sho had said, surprised.
Ohno had scratched his nose. “Sorry. But Nino said you’ve been a bit tense around him lately.”
“I haven’t!”
“I said it was his imagination, too.”
“And?”
“And he shut up about it, but was quiet and angry for the rest of the evening.”
“Nino’s my best friend,” Sho had said. It was meant to reassure Ohno, but the words came out rather forcefully, as if Sho was repeating it to reaffirm the fact himself.)
It must have been a gradual process, this descent into madness. Sho can’t recall a single day where he woke up with the singular thought that he felt a certain way for Ohno Satoshi. But somehow, sometime, within the many years working together, going out together, laughing together, the feeling had built up. Without his even realizing it, his seventeen-year-old’s jealousy of Ohno had slowly morphed into his thirty-three-year-old’s jealousy over Ohno, and - it’s true. This is why he’d been upset, when Ohno and Nino had gotten together. Sho has to admit this now, and the conclusion is leaving him reeling.
(Please don't forget: if for whatever reason, you need a place to put some extra things, my place is open to you.
I must offer you congratulations on your new relationship, Ohno-san!
I hope that communicating with me hasn’t been tiring you out too much; if you’d rather use the time to devote to fishing, or to spend with Nino, just let me know!)
All the effort he’d expended, trying to cover up his unwanted emotions. Trying to be a good friend, the best friend: supportive and helpful and trustworthy, for both Ohno and Nino; had he been trying to compensate, all this time? No, that wasn’t it - he’d just been rejecting his own feelings, to focus on others’. If he could make them more real, then somehow, maybe, his own inclinations would fade away in time.
The real reason for his world trip? Ohno had started driving lessons. Ohno was getting more independent. Ohno had moved in with Nino. Sho had been afraid - if Ohno didn’t want anyone doting on him anymore, if Nino was there all the time to make Ohno laugh, then what would Ohno need for Sho? Nino and Ohno got together, just like Sho had always knew they would, and before they made it official, Sho had left the country. Sho had left because he was afraid; had he been in Japan to witness all this, he might have given himself away. And he couldn’t risk that. He hadn’t wanted to lose anything. He could have stopped Ohno on multiple occasions to talk to him, discuss things, but Sho hadn’t. Instead, he’d done something stupid while drunk and had pushed Ohno right into Nino’s arms. After that? Evasion. Escape.
Such a coward, after all. So frightened of the truth he couldn’t even say it to himself.
The trip was meant to be a solution, to clear Sho’s mind, give him new perspective, but it hadn’t changed a thing. All it really acted as was a delaying the inevitable: Sho’s truth. What Sho really wanted. Wants.
(“Isn’t it about time?”)
”Have a good trip, Sho-chan,” Ohno says, smiling happily as Sho lets him out of the hug. Happily, like the smile he gives to the cameras. “Be safe. We’re all waiting for you here at home, okay!”
Laughing, “Don’t improve too much during the time that I’m gone, okay? I want to be able to recognize you when I come back!”
Ohno pats his arm. “You’ll be a different Sho-chan too, though. But don’t worry. Home is home, and it’ll be waiting.”
Sho wakes up.
He doesn’t remember how he got back to his hotel room, although Jun must have had something to do with it. There’s a note on his bedside table in the latter’s handwriting: Call me when you’re feeling better. We don’t have to go surfing. Sho’s head pounds. His mouth tastes vile. He hasn’t had a hangover this bad for years - just how much did he drink last night? Was he trying to kill himself?
Then it hits him exactly why he’d drank himself into unconsciousness - a torrent of cold fear slams into Sho’s chest, his mind freezes on an emphatic fuck, and it’s the best wake-up call he’s ever had in his life.
There are two new emails waiting for him in his inbox, when the throbbing of his hangover abates enough for Sho to stumble out of bed.
The first one, older, is from Ohno. It’s short.
-----
Date: Apr 3, 2015
Subject: re: SATOSHI READ THIS EMAL IT’S FRM SHO
Sho-chan, when are you coming home again? we should meet!! Email back please
Satoshi
-----
Which makes precious little sense until Sho reads the subject line. The dread rolls within his body, churning, heaving, as Sho dredges up every last bit of courage he has to click on his sent folder.
-----
Date: Apr 2, 2015
Subject: SATOSHI READ THIS EMAL IT’S FRM SHO
Saotshi,
Forgive me fo r not using sufiixess but i believe that this conversation is meant to be had ay my moost honest and raw. Therefore, i am going to be so. Honest. With you.
I think i have been lin love with you for a long tine, ohno. i have thought about this over and ove rand over and i don’t want this to be true (no offense, but no matter how i look at ti t it sit h eonly valid conclusion that I can come to.
I’m so very sorry. You will never know how sorryr i am about this, about everything. I want oyu ot be happy, satoshi. you and nino both. And arashi. Thats all i have ver wanterd.Im only typing this while drunk because otherwise i would neve hav the courage. (this si juns fault by th way0
I’m soryr. Tommrrow i will forget this. We can pretend it never happned.
I do love you.
Yours, yours, yuors,
Sakurai SHo.
-----
Oh God. Sho fucked up.
He spends ten minutes with his forehead pressed to his desk and doing those steady breathing exercises he learned in India before he remembers to check the second email in his inbox. The newer one, sent barely a few hours ago.
It’s from Nino. The entire message is a single sentence:
it’s Ohno..... you were always more responsible than me, anyway.
JAPAN. (April, now.)
The freshly waxed floors of Haneda Airport glisten brightly as Sho walks quickly through the Arrivals gate, his luggage case dragging behind him, beating a regular click-click-click as it rolls over the cracks separating the sections of marble tiles. The other passengers who’d gotten off the plane with him slow down their pace as they walk out to the main foyer, heads twisting back and forth as they scan a waiting crowd for familiar faces. Sho understands; he’s looking for a familiar face of his own.
Ohno is standing sandwiched between two tall American men heartily slapping the back of a newly arrived friend, chin low and eyes hooded. He’s wearing one of Nino’s tacky caps, the one that blends in so well with any regular group of people that Sho’s careful eyes nearly bypass him at first sight. At first his heart clenches, a sharp, abrupt stab of pain (Nino, was it still Nino?), but then Ohno lifts his face, meets Sho’s eyes from across the hall, and smiles.
There is no metaphor, no possible comparison for this feeling here. The words flee helplessly from Sho’s mind as he walks closer; in conjunction, the other people littering the area all dissipate out of the edges of Sho’s vision, until it’s just Ohno in front of Sho, Ohno, all Sho can see.
No possible comparison.
“I’m home,” Sho says, coming to a stop a metre in front of Ohno.
“Welcome back,” Ohno nods. His smile doesn’t waver, and though his skin looks sallow and weak, his eyes are glistening, pleased.
“You didn’t have to pick me up, you know. I could have easily hired a taxi.”
“I have my license now, though. I wanted to come.”
“Yes, but it might have been an inconvenience. I realize that my return was a bit... earlier than I had previously scheduled.”
“Something came up during your trip, Sho-chan?” This is said a bit teasingly.
“Something,” Sho agrees.
“I’m sorry you had to cut it short.”
Sho’s reply is almost vicious in its speed. “Don’t be.”
Ohno’s eyebrows furrow, his smile slipping off his lips; Sho’s eyes track its movement. Sho takes a breath.
“Ohno-kun, I apologize for the boldness of this question, but I really need to know-”
“I am,” Ohno interrupts. His chin juts out stubbornly, and he repeats the words again, louder. “I am.”
Sho’s throat dries, his stomach flips, and his knees threaten to abandon all sense of grace. So blunt, so simple. Just like that.
He has to swallow in order to get out his next question. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Ohno blinks, looking temporarily annoyed. “I didn’t want you to worry about anything. I wondered about it, before... but I never really sat and thought about it seriously. But then, before you left, when we went drinking, you said... stuff, and I kept thinking afterwards, Sho-chan’s the only one I’ve taken fishing.”
“I see.” Sho remembers that conversation. It was from the day Ohno had sent him off, at this same airport. It was right after Ohno had told Sho that he and Japan would be waiting for him when he got back. So then. This - this - is real. He’s finding it increasingly difficult to keep his face composed. Ohno’s still talking, and Sho wants to listen to the end.
“And I realized for sure... after. I was with Nino, and... things were good for a while, but I kept thinking about you. Things like, I wonder what Sho-chan is doing now, I wonder if Sho-chan misses me. I kept on rubbing that keychain you gave me. Nino noticed.”
“I should apologize to him,” Sho winces. “About that.”
“No, it was my fault. We got into arguments sometimes... he admitted things before I did. I don’t think he was too happy about it.” Ohno laughs slightly. “But, well. I couldn’t help it by that time.”
“You should have emailed me. Called or something. Anything.”
“You were away. I didn’t want you to worry about me.”
Sho tsks. “Stupid. I thought of nothing but you.”
“I know that now.” And here, Ohno’s smile returns, shy and hesitant at the corners, and he raises one shoulder. “You were stupid too, Sho. You could have said something before, too.”
“I - not with you and Nino - I didn’t want to ruin our relationship, or yours, of course, and I wasn’t sure-” Sho flounders, before finally settling on, “it was complicated.” But Ohno chuffs out a laugh and Sho finds himself grinning outright, buoyed by an onslaught of joy, and relief, and understanding, and just... everything. He feels very light. “Yes, all right,” he concedes. “Maybe we were both idiots.”
“We match well, don’t you think?”
“You could put it that way.”
“...So? What now?”
Sho debates it for a second. “Well, I traveled around for months, across thousands of kilometres, and in the end the journey still led me back home. Now, I think there’s just one last step to take.”
Sho takes it.
Ohno meets him halfway.
(End.)
(Thanks for reading. :>)