I just have a lot of feelings.
I had a lot of feelings and this was the result and now I made myself sad so I'm gonna go watch Easy A, okay? Okay.
He wasn’t weak.
At least that’s what he told himself every single day when he dragged himself out of bed in the morning.
Jason Grace was the epitome of strength and self confidence. A leader to be looked up to by those around him. Envied by his enemies. Adored by all.
So why was it that he never really felt those things anymore?
What had happened to change his life so much to make him a complete and utter wreck- a shell of what once was a great hero, unsure if he was ever able to climb his way back up to the glory that had been expected of him from a young age.
He knew what disgrace had befallen his once beloved camp, and he knew that the only maternal figure that he could remember was no longer recognising him as her ward. All he had ever done was to obey, and yet by obeying he had become so full of despair that he had rebelled. And fallen. Hard. Jason had hit every single branch on the way down the metaphorical tree that was his life, and it was his own fault.
Every single night, he would have to stew in his failures, knowing that he was alone because of his actions. While on the outside, he put on a bravado, pushing those closest away from him to prevent himself from getting hurt again, on the inside, all he wanted was to be loved. A kind of love he believed that he had once had, but had somehow lost along the way, which was probably his own fault too. And once he had opened himself up to the possibility of another relationship, he had been turned down by another person that he had trusted to have cared about him enough to want to be with him in that way. But he still couldn’t tell him how he really felt about being turned down, due to the crippling fear of people knowing how weak he had become. And he hated himself for not being able to trust, but after everything that had happened, it was just too hard for him.
And so in everything that he does, he tells himself that he’s a failure. That he has already disappointed everybody he knows. That they cannot expect anything better of him because he has nothing else to give. He has given himself entirely to the legion, and it had chewed him up and spat him back out at his tiniest mistakes. The first sign of him straying to the temptation of a deadly sin, and he was right back to the beginning, at the point of his life he had arrived in camp as a fully fledged camper at the age of seven. This was not how he had imagined his life would go. He doubted anyone had imagined that his life would turn out this way. That he would just be the biggest failure that his father had ever produced.
His father…
He didn’t like to think about what his dad must’ve thought of him. If he thought failing Reyna so much that she would have to forget him to make her life better and Juno, who had publicly denounced her protection over him, was painful, failing his father was beyond words. He had been brought up to make his father proud of his actions, but all he could ever do was disappoint.
Jason Grace refused to be weak. He pulled himself out of bed every single day, forcing himself into his mundane existence, trying to regain any part of his old life. A life that he could be proud of. The life he was happy with. But now…
Now the vodka he had stashed for the nights with the worst nightmares was being drunk at an all too fast pace for his liking. Now he had to listen to the camp gossip about the love of his life and her new… Whatever they were and how happy she was without her best friend in her life. He got to watch his friends move on, getting into relationships, moving up in the legion, leaving him behind. Even Percy was spending fewer and fewer nights at their place, so when the nightmares really hit, he had to sit in his kitchen alone, trying to deal with the crushing feeling that made his chest tight and his breath come quicker, sometimes paralysing him until he closed his eyes and tried to forget where he was.
Only when he was alone he would let the weakness overcome him. No body could see his tears when they weren’t really looking, after all.
He wasn’t weak.
At least that’s what he told himself every single day when he dragged himself out of bed in the morning.
Jason Grace was the epitome of strength and self confidence. A leader to be looked up to by those around him. Envied by his enemies. Adored by all.
So why was it that he never really felt those things anymore?
What had happened to change his life so much to make him a complete and utter wreck- a shell of what once was a great hero, unsure if he was ever able to climb his way back up to the glory that had been expected of him from a young age.
He knew what disgrace had befallen his once beloved camp, and he knew that the only maternal figure that he could remember was no longer recognising him as her ward. All he had ever done was to obey, and yet by obeying he had become so full of despair that he had rebelled. And fallen. Hard. Jason had hit every single branch on the way down the metaphorical tree that was his life, and it was his own fault.
Every single night, he would have to stew in his failures, knowing that he was alone because of his actions. While on the outside, he put on a bravado, pushing those closest away from him to prevent himself from getting hurt again, on the inside, all he wanted was to be loved. A kind of love he believed that he had once had, but had somehow lost along the way, which was probably his own fault too. And once he had opened himself up to the possibility of another relationship, he had been turned down by another person that he had trusted to have cared about him enough to want to be with him in that way. But he still couldn’t tell him how he really felt about being turned down, due to the crippling fear of people knowing how weak he had become. And he hated himself for not being able to trust, but after everything that had happened, it was just too hard for him.
And so in everything that he does, he tells himself that he’s a failure. That he has already disappointed everybody he knows. That they cannot expect anything better of him because he has nothing else to give. He has given himself entirely to the legion, and it had chewed him up and spat him back out at his tiniest mistakes. The first sign of him straying to the temptation of a deadly sin, and he was right back to the beginning, at the point of his life he had arrived in camp as a fully fledged camper at the age of seven. This was not how he had imagined his life would go. He doubted anyone had imagined that his life would turn out this way. That he would just be the biggest failure that his father had ever produced.
His father…
He didn’t like to think about what his dad must’ve thought of him. If he thought failing Reyna so much that she would have to forget him to make her life better and Juno, who had publicly denounced her protection over him, was painful, failing his father was beyond words. He had been brought up to make his father proud of his actions, but all he could ever do was disappoint.
Jason Grace refused to be weak. He pulled himself out of bed every single day, forcing himself into his mundane existence, trying to regain any part of his old life. A life that he could be proud of. The life he was happy with. But now…
Now the vodka he had stashed for the nights with the worst nightmares was being drunk at an all too fast pace for his liking. Now he had to listen to the camp gossip about the love of his life and her new… Whatever they were and how happy she was without her best friend in her life. He got to watch his friends move on, getting into relationships, moving up in the legion, leaving him behind. Even Percy was spending fewer and fewer nights at their place, so when the nightmares really hit, he had to sit in his kitchen alone, trying to deal with the crushing feeling that made his chest tight and his breath come quicker, sometimes paralysing him until he closed his eyes and tried to forget where he was.
Only when he was alone he would let the weakness overcome him. No body could see his tears when they weren’t really looking, after all.