(no subject)
stole from mel.
PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT
__________________ (herein referred to as "he"), being of sound mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with ___________________ (herein referred to as "she"):
I. FULL DISCLOSURE
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current marriages, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/sister/brother complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to "get anywhere."
II. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker"), __________________ , blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser."
III. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP
Should said relationship proceed past first "fix-up," both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out." (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity); Following the first thirty (30) days, said parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and be referred to by third parties as "an item." Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the "first date," either member may elect to use the term "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple." Under NO circumstances are the phrases "my old lady," "my better half," "the little lady," or "my old man" acceptable UNLESS used in a sarcastic manner by third parties born prior to 1945. If both members of the party consent, this timetable may be accelerated; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
IV. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six (6) weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up."
V. DATING ETIQUETTE
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties in question agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. A minimum of four (4) phone calls will be made between the two parties during the work week, and each party will attempt--with best efforts--to originate fifty (50) percent of the calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night" to console an "old boyfriend," and both parties agree to strike the phrase "But he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at least one spontaneuos "home cooked meal" and will arrange for the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
VI. TERMS OF PAYMENT
It is agreed that--respective gross income aside--"he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, bowling alleys, discotheques, theaters, and breakfasts until (a) he considers her suitably impressed, (b) he is broke, or (c) she says, "This is ridiculous--let's split it." (Not included in this agreement are meals ordered in from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.)
VII. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS
(Occasionanlly known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil) Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than five (5) nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time evenly between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, neighbors, and/or roommates. Additionally, she will avoid having her mother call at 7:30 in the morning, and he agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink. (By the same token, she agrees to keep his place "a mess.")
VIII. THE NINETY DAY GRACE PERIOD
For the first three (3) month each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of such phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and--using archaic terminology--"Let's get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and defend the other party's right not to meet his or her parents.
IX. THE "L" WORD
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree NEVER to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but NOT EACH OTHER. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word: "Gone."
X. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION
Any of the following will be considered just cause for the immediate and final dissolution of said relationship: Excessive use of chatty French phrases; Ending any sentence with the sentence: "My former wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend used to do the same thing;" Suggesting--no matter how kindly--that the opposite member should seek "help;" Ending any argument with the phrase: "My therapist thinks you are...;" Complaining more than twice about the contents of the other party's refrigerator (or lack thereof).
XI. DECLARARTION OF STRENGTH
At the breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better;" "Nobody could ever make you happy;" "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me:" "I need someone who really understands me;" "My therapist thinks you are ________________ ." (Psychosis to be filled in at the appropriate time.)
XII. MISCELLANEOUS
Each party agrees to give the other at least five (5) minutes notice before terminating said relationship; Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appears to be "on the rocks;" At the termination of said affair, (1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweaters, books, tapes, CDs, keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through an intermediary; (2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other party's friends; (3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of time of at least seven (7) days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in describing the breakup: "The timing wasn't right"; "He/she wasn't ready for something serious"; "He/she wanted more than I could give"; "He/she was too involved in his/her career"; "He/she decided to go back to his/her (a) spouse, (b) last lover, (c) hometown, (d) therapist.
XIII. ADDENDUM
After the initial breakup--no matter what--both parties agree to "give it at least one more shot."
Agreed to and accepted this _____ day of ________________, 20____.
___________________________________
"HE"
___________________________________
"SHE"