Pretend You Love Me 5
She woke up to a pounding headache. It felt like she had a hangover, but she knew she hadn’t had any alcohol in months. Then she remembered the events from the day before and she felt even worse. She yelled at Damon and gave him no chance to explain. She was hurt and embarrassed and she took it out on him. Guilt hit her with the weight of a freight train. She rolled over in her bed and found the sheets empty. Tears threatened to prick her eyes as she thought he would’ve surely slept in their bed. After weeks sharing the same bed again, it felt even emptier without him there. She should’ve known better after what she said to him.
She rolled out of bed and padded down the hall to check on him in their guest room. When she found it empty she realized he already left for work, which meant that she wouldn’t get to see him for two days. She wouldn’t get to apologize to him for two days. She had been awful to him, not only yesterday, but over the course of the last eight months.
She never meant to push him away after her miscarriage. She just fell so far into herself and into her own depression that she didn’t want to drag him down with her. She knew eventually she would have to tell him about it, but she dreaded that day more than anything. It was the dread that always tempted her to push it off. He would be livid, she knew that. She was afraid that after how she treated him, it would be the final straw and she would be left with nothing. She wouldn’t argue that she deserved it, but she was sure that would kill her.
She knew her reasons for keeping it a secret were invalid, but she could justify it to herself relatively easily. Her demons told her that he would see her as a disappointment, as someone who couldn’t even keep a child alive- something that she was genetically built for. They would tell her that he would blame her, that he would think she killed their baby. Damon was the most understanding man in the world, but her insecurities kept her from seeing that anytime she thought of telling him the truth. She was being selfish, she knew good and well she was, but she couldn’t ever bring herself to fix it. It was a weight she’d have to bear alone until the time came to break it to him.
She pulled herself out of her thoughts to get ready for the day. The hot stream of the shower did little to calm her troubled mind, but it relaxed her tense muscles and made her feel like she could better handle the day ahead. She toweled herself off and blow dried her hair until it hung rail straight down her back. She stared at the woman in the mirror for the longest time. She wasn’t sure how Damon looked at her and still saw the woman he married, because she surely didn’t. Her eyes no longer glittered with excitement; they were now dull frozen pools. Her hair wasn’t as shiny and thick as it used to be, her skin looked dull and washed out despite her olive complexion. She averted her teary eyes when she realized she hated the woman who stared back at her.
The shrill sound of her phone ringing startled her from her self-deprecating thoughts. She hurried into her room to snatch the phone off the night stand and answer it.
“Hello?”
“Hello! How is my favorite niece doing?” Her Aunt Jenna’s voice came through the speaker.
“I win by default, I’m your only niece,” Elena tried to laugh but the it sounded forced, even to her ears.
“Ok what’s wrong?” Jenna demanded. Elena held the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she moved to her closet to get dressed.
“Damon and I had a fight,” she said sadly as she sifted through her drawer for a pair of jeans. She pulled her favorite pair up her legs only to find out that they no longer buttoned.
“Well that’s nothing new,” Jenna said.
“This one was different. Things have been kind of peaceful around here for a while,” she explained as she tried on her largest pair of jeans. She let out a frustrated growl when she couldn’t button those either.
“What was that about?” Jenna asked through the phone as Elena torn the jeans off her legs.
“None of my jeans fit,” she sighed as she opted for a pair of yoga pants instead of humiliating herself by trying on all her jeans.
“Well then I think it’s time to go shopping,” Jenna said, Elena could hear the smile in her voice even over the phone. Jenna loved shopping, almost as much as Caroline enjoyed shopping. “Or I can bring you over some of my old jeans from when I was pregnant with Tinsley.”
“I could use some new pants if I don’t want to live the next nine months in yoga pants,” Elena chuckled.
“Ok I’ll pick you up in ten,” Jenna said quickly before disconnecting the call.
---BREAK---
He had once gotten used to sleeping alone. He didn’t want to, but he did. He sucked it up because he knew it wouldn’t last forever. But it didn’t take him long to get used to sharing a bed with Elena again. Even just knowing she was within arms reach made his nights that much more bearable. He loved waking up in the middle of the night and just watching her sleep. It felt like the first few months of their marriage when he couldn’t keep his eyes off her.
So waking up alone that morning was miserable. He rolled out of the bed and jumped in the shower. He didn’t want to spend more time in the house as needed. He felt awful for what happened the day before. He deserved her wrath and much more. He royally screwed up and he knew it. There was no way he couldn’t. He jumped in the shower and dressed in record time. He didn’t know if he could handle Elena’s hurt eyes. They would surely break him.
He made it to the station relatively quickly and for the first time, he was dreading being there. All he wanted was to be home trying to make Elena forgive him.
“Hey, guys,” Damon said as he reached the second floor living apartment.
“Hey, Damon,” they all greeted back. Damon went straight for the couch to hopefully be distracted by the latest hockey game.
“You look down,” Tyler Lockwood said as he flopped down on the couch next to him.
“Elena and I had a fight last night,” he said as he dropped his head in his hands.
“Man, that sucks,” Tyler said, clapping him sympathetically on the back.
“Tell me about it,” Damon groaned in his hands, “I don’t know what to do. I messed up pretty bad.”
“Man,” Captain Matt Donavan came over to them, “There is nothing a romantic dinner, flowers, and a heartfelt apology can’t fix.”
“I don’t think it’ll be that easy for this one,” Damon said, still not looking up out of his hands.
“Trust me, just let her cool off while you’re on shift, do what I told you and things will be good as new,” Matt said.
Damon couldn’t help but wish it was that easy. He didn’t get to dwell on that too long because the alarm was going off and he had to rush into action. At least for him, this was easy. He was comfortable running off to the nearest emergency. What he found scary was his relationship. He didn’t know where to go, or if he was ever doing the right thing.
So instead of letting his mind wander to the scary unknown, he threw on his fire suit, slid down the fire pole and climbed into his assigned truck. He let himself bask in the familiarity of his job as they raced down the road to the next emergency waiting for them.
---BREAK---
Elena fished around her closet for a comfortable shirt before she slipped on a pair of flip flops and headed to the kitchen to eat a quick snack. About fifteen minutes later, she heard Jenna’s horn outside.
“Where’s Tinsley?” Elena asked as she slid into Jenna’s car.
“She’s spending the day with Ric’s parents,” Jenna explained as she pulled the car onto the street. “I swear they spoil her too much,” she grumbled.
“She’s their first and only grandchild, of course they want to spoil her,” Elena said with a twinge of sadness that her parents would never get to see their first grandchild.
Jenna seemed to catch onto her sadness and placed a comforting hand on Elena’s knee, “I’m sorry. I was speaking without thinking again.”
“It’s ok, Jenna, don’t worry about it,” she smiled at her as they pulled into the local Target parking lot. Elena hiked her purse on her shoulder as they both got out and headed into the nearly empty store. Jenna grabbed them a shopping cart and they headed off toward the maternity section.
“So, what was this fight between you and Damon about?” Jenna asked as they rifled through the racks of clothing.
Elena sighed as she held up a pair of pants off the rack. She examined them a minute before putting them back and turning to Jenna. “He missed the heartbeat appointment.”
Jenna’s eyes immediately filled with pity. “I’m so sorry, Elena. Why did he miss it?”
“He was at the bar and Andie showed up,” she said turning to another rack, not wanting to see her aunt’s reaction.
“He was what?!” She exclaimed.
“Caroline found him there and Andie was with him. I let him have it when he came home. He tried to explain what happened but I just wouldn’t listen. I feel so horrible,” Elena said sadly as she mindlessly picked through the maternity shirts folded on a table.
“You think she just showed up on her own without him inviting her?” Jenna asked from the other side of a clothing rack.
“I didn’t at first, I was just blinded by my embarrassment and my anger that I didn’t bother to think rationally. Now that I’ve thought about it, I do think that’s what happened. He said he severed any ties with her after the incident. He said he never slept with her and I believe him,” Elena said before holding up a pretty blue blouse, “What about this one?”
Jenna examined it before nodding, “I like it, you should try it on.” Elena tossed it into their basked as Jenna continued, “I don’t think he would purposely be around her either, but why would he miss the appointment? I thought he was excited about it?”
Elena sighed again as she tossed a few more items into the basket. “He was excited and he’s really trying to fix things with us, but I think when the appointment came, he realized how scared and unprepared we are for this,” Elena explained, “He was dealing with that fear the only way he knows how- with alcohol- and he lost track of time. And Andie showing up had to throw him for a loop.”
“Did you tell him that?” Jenna asked.
“No, by the time I got up this morning, he already left for work,” Elena said.
“Wow,” Jenna said as she pushed their cart toward the fitting rooms.
“Wow what?” Elena asked suspiciously as she picked the largest fitting room and Jenna took a seat on the bench right outside of it.
“Just that you guys are really making an effort this time,” Jenna said simply as Elena shed her yoga pants and pulled a pair of jeans up her legs. She smiled a little when they fit. She pulled her shirt off and tried on the blue blouse she found earlier.
“We really are,” Elena agreed as she buttoned up the blouse, “I mean, we have so much that we still need to work out and I know we aren’t done fighting, but last night I feel like we finally had a fight that got us somewhere.” She explained as she stepped out of the changing room. “What do you think?” She asked as she spun slowly in front of Jenna.
“I like it,” she smiled and Elena retreated back into the changing room to make sure the other clothes fit as well. “I’m so happy things are starting to get better. Maybe this baby was just the thing you needed to reevaluate your marriage.”
“I think so. I just feel so guilty for how bad I treated him the last few months,” Elena said as she pulled on a different pair of jeans, “I just don’t look forward to the day we have to work out that issue and what caused it. It’ll be a painful conversation for the both of us.”
“Sometimes the most painful of conversations are the ones that will be the most helpful,” Jenna said through the door.
“I’m just so scared that I’ll tell him something and he’ll realize that it’s not worth it,” Elena said sadly as she changed back into her own clothes, “I don’t know what I would do if he decided he wanted out.”
Elena pushed open the changing room door to see Jenna with stern eyes.
“Elena, you just can’t think like that. Damon is a strong man and he loves you more than anything,” she said, placing her hands on Elena’s shoulders and looking her right in the eye, “He’s not going to walk away.”
“I don’t deserve him,” Elena said, dropping her eyes to her feet.
“You do,” Jenna said firmly, “You need to convince yourself that you deserve him. Be the person he deserves.”
“When did you get so good at this?” Elena said with tears in her eyes and a small laugh.
She shrugged with a smile, “Just a God-given gift, I guess.”
They moved to the check-out together and Jenna waited while Elena paid for her new “fat pants” as she called them and her new blue blouse which she knew Damon would love. She smiled a little thinking of him. Maybe things were only going to keep getting better. She could only hope.
Just as she was grabbing her bag from the cashier, the shrill tone of her phone filled the air. She dug around in her purse and flipped it open without bothering to check who it was.
“Hello?” She asked.
“Mrs. Salvatore?” A gruff voice came through the speaker.
“This is she,” she said, confused at who this person could be.
“Mrs. Salvatore, this is Captain Donavan. I’m calling about your husband,” he spoke slowly and gently. Elena felt her heart start pounding in her chest. She was praying this wasn’t the call she’d been dreading since she married Damon. She waited with baited breath for his next words.
“There has been an accident.”