i should be writing thankyou notes right now
my favorite time of day in the woods is either a summer eveing at dusk or a cool morning rain. the light is alway so much more saturated and green then. everything feels lush and golden, or lush and penetrating. You cant escape the shadows which are either green or gold and i frankly dont want to. I like the ocean too sometimes the rythmn and the quiet are peaceful. I enjoy sitting around and shooting the shit by which i mean having a good time and laughing about lifes shit or sincerely talking about what makes you tick. I really hate having to set up specific times to be honest and sincere and times to have a good time and laugh at myself. where is the spontanaity of it all. sometimes i feel like it has been a long time since i really sat down and thought about what i liked and wanted out of life. In fact if you asked my what i liked to do right now i wouldnt really have anything to say, all i do is work and go home and sometimes hang out and read and thats all i really feel like doing. sometimes when i hang out i feel like im faking it, i mean who the fuck am i already. or at least what are my dreams and goals. yeah yeah paying off the loans, thats all well and good but do i really want to be working in a warehouse for the rest of my life, no matter how much i like my job that is not really the career i wanted. but what is the career i want and where is it. I dont really know if this is the place for it. I guess basically now the thing is all of my questions and fears that i have been struggling with for the past 2 years are coming ot head, now that i have time to think about them now that i have nothing better to do. when did that happen. when did i become a hermit. is it who i am or is it a confining reaction to the upset and upheavel that is my life right now. (okay so that last bit was a little melodramatic) but hell i've been on the verge of crying for weeks now and still it just never happens. this didnt used to be me. i cant live in the past or anything but i mean is this really all that healthy. a good cry now and then never really hurt anyone did it. come on body start cooperating with the brain. its really frustrating. i spent a good portion of friday hanging out with julie last week and was moody and hermity the whole time, on the ride back (driving = when i get all of my good thinking done {not exactly the safest time but i'll take it when i can get eh}) i got pretty close to crying a few times and kept trying to think of people i could (or would) want to call and 10 pm crying. when i thought of calling julie i wanted to smack myself, not because she wouldnt have been 110percent supportive but that i just spent all night with her what THE FUCK is wrong with me that i have to drive all the way home to open up and talk to someone. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! im tired of this.i know things will get better, i know im pretty lucky, I KNOW. okay. but trying to figure out how to let out 2 years worth of everyemotionontheplanet in a healthy way without exploding is proving harder than i thought. or maybe i just need an explosion a little baby one like a hawaian volcano or something. maybe thats what this is. but here i am still trying to hash everything out rationally and soberly and figure it out without ever really having to feel it at all. UGH!!!!!i want to shut my brain off. i want to just feel it goddamnit when did i get so ocd about this im the most disorganized person i know, seriously why couldnt i be the kind of person who gets all their bills paid on times but has crying fits.