Fic: Walking Out Your Front Door

[prismdropz]

Title: Walking Out Your Front Door
Author: Hiruma Musouka (prismdropz )
Beta: チ夜ちゃん (Chiyo-chan) kaliawai512 who also did the artwork in the story!
Rating: K+ or PG?
Pairing/Characters: minor Ichigo/Benihime, Renji, Nemu
Disclaimer: not Tite Kubo, ergo don't own Bleach
Word Count: 2,256
Notes: written for my kissbingo  card (unintentionally) for the prompt 'type: stolen'. Pictures by

Comments

[vixenofargentum]

This was a very interesting idea. I really like the personality that you gave Benihime. I could very easily see her being that way. :) I can only imagine what it would be like for her to get out! And we had Nemu in the story too! I so rarely see her in fic. ;_;

Thanks for posting the artwork to go with it, too. I always love in when authors and artists collaborate for stories.

My only criticism is the use of the Japanese phrases. I can understand why you are using it for the kidō terms. But, elsewhere, it is a bit jarring to the reader. I'm not intending to attack you personally; I thought that you might want the feedback from somebody in your reading audience.

I look forward to new things that you will write!

[prismdropz]

First of all, I want to thank you for your insightful review. I was aware that the Japanese might be jarring, but... I'm not sure how to explain. This fic kind of popped into my head fully formed, and when Benihime spoke this was what she sounded like to me. I thought about switching what she said back to English, but it didn't click in my head as being 'her'. I suppose it's partly influenced by the fact I'm studying Japanese right now. I have another Benihime fic I'm going to try and get around to after this month based on the Zanpakutou arc, so we'll see how that turns out.

As for Nemu, she surprised me. I had no idea she was going to show up until she did! ^.^ At least you liked her. I've never written her before so I wasn't sure how she was supposed to act.

And I'm glad you liked the art. My friend surprised me with it the day after I asked her to beta the story! (And I am so in love with the Renji pic. I can't stop laughing whenever I see it ^_^)

[prismdropz]

Hello again! I know it's been awhile and you've probably forgotten all about this fic, but I wanted to ask for your opinion since you had such an open and insightful review the first time.

I've learned a little more about HTML since my initial post and I wanted to know if the Japanese lines were less jarring now that there's hovertext translations instead of links.

Does that help at all, or is it still disruptive to the story?

[lelann137]

oohh. this is so much fun! I love Ichigo trying to figure out who it is. thanks!

[prismdropz]

You're welcome! I'm glad you liked it. I hope all the links didn't make it too confusing.