(no subject)
I am the happiest I've been in my life.
+
I started writing again because I wanted to create my own gosh darn philosophy, spirituality, belief system, or whatever you'd like to call it.
I'd read a little about the Buddha and thought, 'Well, shit. All he did was sit down under a tree for a while. I can do what he did.'
+
I wanted to create my own gosh darn yada yada because I'd finally gotten tired of/free of my constant depression.
I believed redefining my beliefs would help.
+
I've always been subconsciously in tune with those sorts of ideas.
It seems like every now and again, I start reading philosophical or spiritual books and feel like, 'I thought that before,' or 'I would have figured that one out eventually.'
It's like in these religions and belief systems that've been around forever, I'm finding more mature versions of the same thinks I have thunk.
However, it seems like something had always stoped me from further developing those ideas. Like I can lock on to some out of this world idea for a few moments, but then let it go, never to play with it again.
I think a lot of it has always been, 'Well, this won't make sense to anyone else anyway, so I guess I should just drop it.'
I've stopped limiting myself to only things other people might or mightn't believe.
+
Life is absolutely remarkable.
Today was a good damned day.
Sunny as a toothless baby's grin.
Nice and windy. Been hot lately, but today, just cool.
I woke up, turned on the computer, and from the start, was talking to Japanese people.
(You want to see yourself some shy mother uncles, you find yourself a Japanese person just starting to study English.)
I had to practically twist one's arm. First time ever to practice speaking English (she says). And then another. And then another. And then another. For maybe three or four hours straight.
The theme of the day: Encourage their pants off. (To speak English, that is.) That everybody is nervous at first, no matter what language they're learning, myself definitely included.
I am on the Sunlit Path, walking backwards to hold the hands of those who need it.
So yeah: I like helping people believe in themselves. Greatest feeling in the world
.I ain't got no proper credentials or anything, but I've got experience and I know how to explain things.
Maybe when I'm physically old, I'll do some teaching in my spare time, for fun.
+
What's the point of religion, spirituality, philosophy, all that stuff?
I think they might all start out as a means of understanding the mostly misunderstood world we find ourselves in.
I think during their peak, they all attempt to improve the experience of life for as many people as possible.
I think, unfortunately, towards their ends, they become overly concerned with dogma, and bloated by legions of followers who don't really know what they're following. (Usually it's the bloated constituents who hold the fastest to dogma, to hide the fact they don't really know what ideas they're worshiping.)
So, in summary, here's a lesson: Strive for understanding, strive for feeling better, and avoid being inflexibly bound to your beliefs.
I'm quite used to the first thing, but it's the second one that I'm very much interested in. Life has been the absolute suck for longer than I realized, but now I feel like I'm more in control of my emotional and mental state than before. I didn't even know that was something that /could/ be controlled.
Maybe not out and out 'controlled,' but very strongly influenced. Let me tell ya -- when I discovered I am not my thoughts, these eyes had been opened wide.
+
I was one of the best in my little class of twenty or so Graphic D. students.
This left me feeling ignorant of the thousands upon thousands of designers out there.
In my class, I didn't have to try too hard to be one of the best. Honestly, half the class couldn't even figure out how to use the computer (beautiful, beautiful Macs).
You could say I got lazy.
I didn't even know, really, that I was being lazy. Having no real perspective into the real world of graphic design as an occupation, I really thought the whole world would be like this; that I would be able to lazily sail to the top just because I knew more Photoshop than most. And since I wasn't exactly planning on doing it forever, I didn't mind the two or three people who knew way more than I did.
That did not work out so well.
Those two or three people translate into at least a few hundred people, just in my tri-state area. Net-wide, perhaps in the thousands.
And those who were like I, good-to-average, are probably thousands upon thousands more.
I write this because, for some reason, it finally dawned upon me that if I'd have spent more time developing my skills, that if I was even aware of the value or importance of it, I could probably have overtaken even the best in my class and perhaps in my immediate area. I wasn't thinking about the workplace: I only did enough work to get the good grades, and I already knew I would be getting the good grades.
But I would not be getting the jobs.
+
I'm smart enough now to see that I've been outsmarting myself.
Fear of failure is obvious; fear of success, not so. Only recently did I figure out I have been struggling with both.
I sat down and really thought about being successful. I thought about overwhelming overnight success. It overwhelmed me.
It terrified me.
+
I realize I sabotage myself in many ways. I let myself get afraid of failure, so I don't even try; I let myself get afraid of the overwhelming responsibility of success, and so I anxiously rush through what I'm doing.
To what result?
Shoddy, unconsidered work. Both the websites I've made, some of the CG illos I've made, and though my writing mysteriously always got high marks, my essays and non-fiction essays.
I convince myself I have to build Rome in a day. I panic, I get anxious, I get stressed out. And that makes me move fast, too fast. Other people see the work I've done, and the self-sabotage is, for the first time in my life, clear -- the seams are wide and gaping. The Scotch tape and bubble gum I'm using to hold my efforts together are embarrassingly obvious. Nobody wants my work, and I've successfully evaded having to change my current reality.
+
I said Freelance or Bust, not too long ago.
Finally, I've hit bottom.
+
I'm not the poorest I've ever been, but I'm getting there.
And still, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.
+
I think I've stopped giving up on myself.
I think I've also stopped expecting myself to make things happen before I'm ready for them.
Sam is taking Baby Steps up the Mountain.
+
The Buddha did start out just by sitting underneath a try and meditating for a while.
That eventually led to Zazen. Zazen eventually led me to myself.
I will always be grateful for it. It's showing me how to slow down. It's showing me how to find the power of simple actions, compounded. It's showing me the power of focusing on just this.
I won't think about losing my weight all at once. I'll focus on losing just a few pounds. Then I'll lose a few more.
I won't think about being a bazillionaire all at once. I'll focus on attracting enough to get me out of this hole I'm in. Then I'll attract a little more.
I won't think about becoming a master artist overnight. I'll focus on mastering the eye. Then I'll focus on mastering the nose.
Life has been really confusing. I've done a lot of hard work, I've done a lot of mediocre work, and I've done a lot of giving myself, and I've taken a lot of injury to my self-worth. I've done a lot of feeling hopeless, I've done a lot of feeling sorry for myself. (A part of me still can't quite handle that despite all the things I can do, despite the many times I was called 'gifted' and 'special,' despite my fucking college degree, I've gotten nowhere and done nothing. That the real world doesn't think I'm so special after all.
And despite all that, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
My outer journey probably looks like a train wreck, I know.
My inner journey has been even worse. I remember occasional non-suicidal desires to just fade away to escape the fucked-up thing my life had become.
No longer.
Zazen and New Thought have both been telling me something very important, something very simple, and something I've had a hard time hearing, but needed to hear so bad: the answers start with me. The good starts with me. The happiness starts with me. The peace and the understanding and the development
and the freedom
starts with me.
+
I started writing again because I wanted to create my own gosh darn philosophy, spirituality, belief system, or whatever you'd like to call it.
I'd read a little about the Buddha and thought, 'Well, shit. All he did was sit down under a tree for a while. I can do what he did.'
+
I wanted to create my own gosh darn yada yada because I'd finally gotten tired of/free of my constant depression.
I believed redefining my beliefs would help.
+
I've always been subconsciously in tune with those sorts of ideas.
It seems like every now and again, I start reading philosophical or spiritual books and feel like, 'I thought that before,' or 'I would have figured that one out eventually.'
It's like in these religions and belief systems that've been around forever, I'm finding more mature versions of the same thinks I have thunk.
However, it seems like something had always stoped me from further developing those ideas. Like I can lock on to some out of this world idea for a few moments, but then let it go, never to play with it again.
I think a lot of it has always been, 'Well, this won't make sense to anyone else anyway, so I guess I should just drop it.'
I've stopped limiting myself to only things other people might or mightn't believe.
+
Life is absolutely remarkable.
Today was a good damned day.
Sunny as a toothless baby's grin.
Nice and windy. Been hot lately, but today, just cool.
I woke up, turned on the computer, and from the start, was talking to Japanese people.
(You want to see yourself some shy mother uncles, you find yourself a Japanese person just starting to study English.)
I had to practically twist one's arm. First time ever to practice speaking English (she says). And then another. And then another. And then another. For maybe three or four hours straight.
The theme of the day: Encourage their pants off. (To speak English, that is.) That everybody is nervous at first, no matter what language they're learning, myself definitely included.
I am on the Sunlit Path, walking backwards to hold the hands of those who need it.
So yeah: I like helping people believe in themselves. Greatest feeling in the world
.I ain't got no proper credentials or anything, but I've got experience and I know how to explain things.
Maybe when I'm physically old, I'll do some teaching in my spare time, for fun.
+
What's the point of religion, spirituality, philosophy, all that stuff?
I think they might all start out as a means of understanding the mostly misunderstood world we find ourselves in.
I think during their peak, they all attempt to improve the experience of life for as many people as possible.
I think, unfortunately, towards their ends, they become overly concerned with dogma, and bloated by legions of followers who don't really know what they're following. (Usually it's the bloated constituents who hold the fastest to dogma, to hide the fact they don't really know what ideas they're worshiping.)
So, in summary, here's a lesson: Strive for understanding, strive for feeling better, and avoid being inflexibly bound to your beliefs.
I'm quite used to the first thing, but it's the second one that I'm very much interested in. Life has been the absolute suck for longer than I realized, but now I feel like I'm more in control of my emotional and mental state than before. I didn't even know that was something that /could/ be controlled.
Maybe not out and out 'controlled,' but very strongly influenced. Let me tell ya -- when I discovered I am not my thoughts, these eyes had been opened wide.
+
I was one of the best in my little class of twenty or so Graphic D. students.
This left me feeling ignorant of the thousands upon thousands of designers out there.
In my class, I didn't have to try too hard to be one of the best. Honestly, half the class couldn't even figure out how to use the computer (beautiful, beautiful Macs).
You could say I got lazy.
I didn't even know, really, that I was being lazy. Having no real perspective into the real world of graphic design as an occupation, I really thought the whole world would be like this; that I would be able to lazily sail to the top just because I knew more Photoshop than most. And since I wasn't exactly planning on doing it forever, I didn't mind the two or three people who knew way more than I did.
That did not work out so well.
Those two or three people translate into at least a few hundred people, just in my tri-state area. Net-wide, perhaps in the thousands.
And those who were like I, good-to-average, are probably thousands upon thousands more.
I write this because, for some reason, it finally dawned upon me that if I'd have spent more time developing my skills, that if I was even aware of the value or importance of it, I could probably have overtaken even the best in my class and perhaps in my immediate area. I wasn't thinking about the workplace: I only did enough work to get the good grades, and I already knew I would be getting the good grades.
But I would not be getting the jobs.
+
I'm smart enough now to see that I've been outsmarting myself.
Fear of failure is obvious; fear of success, not so. Only recently did I figure out I have been struggling with both.
I sat down and really thought about being successful. I thought about overwhelming overnight success. It overwhelmed me.
It terrified me.
+
I realize I sabotage myself in many ways. I let myself get afraid of failure, so I don't even try; I let myself get afraid of the overwhelming responsibility of success, and so I anxiously rush through what I'm doing.
To what result?
Shoddy, unconsidered work. Both the websites I've made, some of the CG illos I've made, and though my writing mysteriously always got high marks, my essays and non-fiction essays.
I convince myself I have to build Rome in a day. I panic, I get anxious, I get stressed out. And that makes me move fast, too fast. Other people see the work I've done, and the self-sabotage is, for the first time in my life, clear -- the seams are wide and gaping. The Scotch tape and bubble gum I'm using to hold my efforts together are embarrassingly obvious. Nobody wants my work, and I've successfully evaded having to change my current reality.
+
I said Freelance or Bust, not too long ago.
Finally, I've hit bottom.
+
I'm not the poorest I've ever been, but I'm getting there.
And still, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life.
+
I think I've stopped giving up on myself.
I think I've also stopped expecting myself to make things happen before I'm ready for them.
Sam is taking Baby Steps up the Mountain.
+
The Buddha did start out just by sitting underneath a try and meditating for a while.
That eventually led to Zazen. Zazen eventually led me to myself.
I will always be grateful for it. It's showing me how to slow down. It's showing me how to find the power of simple actions, compounded. It's showing me the power of focusing on just this.
I won't think about losing my weight all at once. I'll focus on losing just a few pounds. Then I'll lose a few more.
I won't think about being a bazillionaire all at once. I'll focus on attracting enough to get me out of this hole I'm in. Then I'll attract a little more.
I won't think about becoming a master artist overnight. I'll focus on mastering the eye. Then I'll focus on mastering the nose.
Life has been really confusing. I've done a lot of hard work, I've done a lot of mediocre work, and I've done a lot of giving myself, and I've taken a lot of injury to my self-worth. I've done a lot of feeling hopeless, I've done a lot of feeling sorry for myself. (A part of me still can't quite handle that despite all the things I can do, despite the many times I was called 'gifted' and 'special,' despite my fucking college degree, I've gotten nowhere and done nothing. That the real world doesn't think I'm so special after all.
And despite all that, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
My outer journey probably looks like a train wreck, I know.
My inner journey has been even worse. I remember occasional non-suicidal desires to just fade away to escape the fucked-up thing my life had become.
No longer.
Zazen and New Thought have both been telling me something very important, something very simple, and something I've had a hard time hearing, but needed to hear so bad: the answers start with me. The good starts with me. The happiness starts with me. The peace and the understanding and the development
and the freedom
starts with me.