(no subject)
来年俺はきっと日本へ行くぜ。
夢
I took my car to the mechanic today. 'Check Engine' on my dashboard. For two weeks.
I've been imagining my car breaking down on the highway. I also imagined myself being completely cool about it.
$90 just to take a look at the engine.
And there's nothing wrong. The safety switch switched on with no reason to be switched on.
宇
The euphoria I'd experienced recently, or at least I remember it as a sort of euphoria, is a drip instead of a flow.
I haven't done Zazen as much. Or at all. There are other things on my mind.
How did these things get on my mind?
Money.
Not having enough of it.
Money is like a bad girlfriend I can't get over. If I can get over money, I think I might be able to make peace with myself.
幸
My mother hasn't talked to me for about a month.
My mother hasn't talked to my step-father (without yelling) for months. My mother hasn't talked to my aunt for years. My mother hasn't talked to my godmother for years.
(I've joined a list.)
Each of us has in some way gotten into an argument with her about money. Money is enough for her to write you out of her life.
She asked me first to handle some financial decisions for her. Then she asked me to take out a loan to get the money to fund these decisions.
That happened to be the day she opened up my mail, a letter from the bank. I was late that month, but paid it. Not before the letter was sent out, however. She opened the mail, my mail, and came and questioned me about it. She used an all-knowing tone and when I denied her claim that I owed the bank money, she came in waving around the evidence she thought she had.
I forgot Zen, Buddha, and Respect Thy Mother and Father, and flipped out on her. Even though it was tame, just a 'GO AWAY,' she has drawn a line in the sand.
And it's been very peaceful for a while.
金
I've begun jogging most mornings.
I've begun studying everyday from Japanese kanji and grammar texts I've had since I got back home.
I've begun doing pushups and situps at night.
I've begun taking food with me to work instead of spending money on fast food.
I'm going to go to Japan next year. I'm going to help teach English. I'm going to get a TEFL so that I can do it more competently. I'm going to save money for both of these for as long as it takes.
I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise more, eat less, and ease into what I think is what I've always needed to do.
働
I've definitely come around to a melancholic period again. The difference is I see it happening. I am not denying it, and I am letting go of the want and need and desire to be 'happy.' I'm going to embrace it.
合
夢
I took my car to the mechanic today. 'Check Engine' on my dashboard. For two weeks.
I've been imagining my car breaking down on the highway. I also imagined myself being completely cool about it.
$90 just to take a look at the engine.
And there's nothing wrong. The safety switch switched on with no reason to be switched on.
宇
The euphoria I'd experienced recently, or at least I remember it as a sort of euphoria, is a drip instead of a flow.
I haven't done Zazen as much. Or at all. There are other things on my mind.
How did these things get on my mind?
Money.
Not having enough of it.
Money is like a bad girlfriend I can't get over. If I can get over money, I think I might be able to make peace with myself.
幸
My mother hasn't talked to me for about a month.
My mother hasn't talked to my step-father (without yelling) for months. My mother hasn't talked to my aunt for years. My mother hasn't talked to my godmother for years.
(I've joined a list.)
Each of us has in some way gotten into an argument with her about money. Money is enough for her to write you out of her life.
She asked me first to handle some financial decisions for her. Then she asked me to take out a loan to get the money to fund these decisions.
That happened to be the day she opened up my mail, a letter from the bank. I was late that month, but paid it. Not before the letter was sent out, however. She opened the mail, my mail, and came and questioned me about it. She used an all-knowing tone and when I denied her claim that I owed the bank money, she came in waving around the evidence she thought she had.
I forgot Zen, Buddha, and Respect Thy Mother and Father, and flipped out on her. Even though it was tame, just a 'GO AWAY,' she has drawn a line in the sand.
And it's been very peaceful for a while.
金
I've begun jogging most mornings.
I've begun studying everyday from Japanese kanji and grammar texts I've had since I got back home.
I've begun doing pushups and situps at night.
I've begun taking food with me to work instead of spending money on fast food.
I'm going to go to Japan next year. I'm going to help teach English. I'm going to get a TEFL so that I can do it more competently. I'm going to save money for both of these for as long as it takes.
I'm going to lose weight. I'm going to exercise more, eat less, and ease into what I think is what I've always needed to do.
働
I've definitely come around to a melancholic period again. The difference is I see it happening. I am not denying it, and I am letting go of the want and need and desire to be 'happy.' I'm going to embrace it.
合