Let's Play Homestuck

[professor_prof]

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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.

Part 9: Unbeatable Boss

Link back to comic: Page 2904





EB: rose, i have a question, and i am in a hurry!


TT: Did you know your planet was on fire?


EB: it is?
EB: jade is minutes away from entering, and i need to decide what to do with this kernel sprite.
EB: i really don't want to mess up and do something stupid.
EB: i was thinking about not prototyping at all, to not give the monsters any new powers.
EB: what do you think, rose?
EB: i thought i'd ask since you seem to know all the mysteries.


TT: First of all, I should preface this conversation by saying I know exactly what you and Jade are going to do.


EB: um...


TT: I'm just nervous about it.
TT: About whether telling you what you definitely will or won't do will alter a predetermined outcome.
TT: The result would be a splintered timeline, and we would all be sentenced to eventual oblivion.


EB: you mean like when i died in another dimension, because terezi hornswoggled me?


TT: It isn't much fun, John.
TT: Living for months in an offshoot reality, waiting for the curtain to drop.


EB: well, uh...
EB: is there anything you can tell me?


TT: Failing to prototype the kernel is the absolute worst thing that you could possibly do.
TT: The battlefield will not be able to heal, and then transform.
TT: It will not reach the stage which allows it to become ready to receive our universe.


EB: i thought you said it wasn't going to be able to make a universe anyway?
EB: so why is it important?


TT: Because if it does not reach this stage, we will not be able to recover the treasure hidden in its core.


EB: OHHHHHH.
EB: why didn't you say so, of course the answer is treasure.


TT: Yes. This is the treasure that will give us hope.
TT: But only if it comes into being in the first place.
TT: John, what is that sound?
TT: It seems to be a ticking noise.


EB: aaaahh!
EB: yeah, i've got to go. we can chat about treasure later.
EB: anyway, i will sort out this prototyping silliness myself.
EB: thanks rose!



It is an unspecified amount of time in the future.

Where are you? What just happened?



Jade isn't answering, but a couple other people are.





TT: John.


EB: blaaauuuuuuuuugh, what happened!!!!!
EB: i don't remember what happened, i was in the middle of helping jade...
EB: and then...
EB: i guess my bed crashed?
EB: and i got knocked out i guess.


TT: What were you dreaming about?


EB: i was on the battlefield again.
EB: but i did not have time to seek the treasure!


TT: Remember how I said your planet was on fire?


EB: that didn't by any chance stop being a thing that was true, did it?
EB: fuck!!!
EB: rose, this is all oil! it'll all just explode any second, won't it???


TT: I don't think the fire's rate of propagation is quite as fast as you're imagining.
TT: But the danger is still significant.
TT: Especially considering that your bed is sinking.


EB: fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!


TT: Look to your right.



TT: If you stay calm, and we work together, we can get you out of this.
TT: I'm practically an expert at escaping fires by now.


EB: hey, how do you know these things anyway?
EB: can you see me somehow?


TT: I have a crystal ball.


EB: can it show you the future?


TT: No, it can only show me various locations in the present moment, as far as I can tell.
TT: My perception of the future has been informed by other sources.
TT: Whispering gods, memories sifted from dreams, cryptic readings from unearthed talismans, conclusions drawn from riddles deciphered - every gambit you'd expect a quest to extend to an emerging seer.


EB: okay, so...
EB: with what you've learned from your dreams and gods and magic and stuff...
EB: do you have it all mapped out now? do you know everything?


TT: Knowing the future is no remarkable feat here.
TT: It appears to be a fact of life.
TT: I'm not all that special, John.


EB: i guess that's not all i'm talking about.
EB: you seem a little different.
EB: kind of, um... spooky?
EB: i just mean that before, it felt like we were in this adventure together, figuring stuff out as we went along.
EB: and now you have all the answers! because of magic, and other mysterious reasons!
EB: and you want to use your powers to break the game, and i still don't really understand why, and...
EB: bluh.


TT: I'm not actually trying to caricaturize a grim sorcerer.
TT: It's been fun, and above all, practical.
TT: For solving our problems.


EB: i guess i just started worryin'...
EB: that you are getting away from us!
EB: because you know everything, and you're magic, and you have a crystal ball, and a salamander, and you are basically a wizard.
EB: maybe later, i will drop by your planet again and rescue you, thus breaking the spooky spell put on you by your nefarious, shadowy masters.


TT: I will do by best to occupy myself as benignly and unmagically as possible until you show up.
TT: You will need to recover the treasure first, because it must be delivered to me.


EB: what is this treasure, anyway?
EB: and how's it gonna save us!


TT: You'd probably be disappointed if I described it.


EB: tell me anyway!


TT: It's called The Tumor.


EB: you're right, that is the shittiest sounding treasure i have ever heard.



EB: so what is this tumor supposed to do?
EB: does that mean im curing the battlefield or something?
EB: like the planet's doctor?


TT: Sorry.
TT: I was preoccupied.
TT: Troll stuff.
TT: Incidentally, looks like you will have your own troll stuff to attend to shortly.
TT: Involving the one who hates you, and the one who likes you.


EB: oh god, there they are now.
EB: how did you know?


TT: Talk to your trolls.
TT: We'll catch up shortly.


EB: wait!!!
EB: there's stuff you didn't tell me!
EB: what happened with jade? did i mess anything up with the prototyping??
EB: aaaugh, why can't i remember!!!!!

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] --



EB: BLUH BLUH
EB: HUGE WITCH



-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --



CG: IT'S ME AGAIN, ASSHOLE
CG: THE ONE WHO HATES YOU, REMEMBER?
CG: OR SHOULD I SAY FUTURE-REMEMBER???


EB: karkat!!!!!!!!!!


CG: AGAIN WITH KNOWING MY NAME
CG: I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A SPECIAL POINT OF NOT BEING THE ONE TO TELL YOU, I DON'T WANT TO GIVE YOU THE SATISFACTION.


EB: hey, shut up a second!
EB: have you talked to jade recently?


CG: WHO THE FUCK IS JADE.


EB: jade is the girl who i am pretty sure just entered our session.


CG: OH, YOU MEAN THE ONE WHO FUCKS EVERYTHING UP.


EB: um, yeah... i thought you knew that? you talked to her a bunch of times, apparently.


CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I KNOW THAT.
CG: THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND TIME I HAVE EVER TALKED TO A HUMAN.


EB: oh!
EB: we are finally getting to our first couple of conversations. cool!


CG: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IS VERY MUCH ANTITHETICAL TO YOUR PRIMITIVE HUMAN NOTION OF "EARTH COOL".
CG: YOU SEE, IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATION, WE DIDN'T EXACTLY GET OFF ON THE RIGHT FOOT.
CG: IT IS A FOOT WHICH SHOULD HAVE REEKED OF YOUR VERBAL RUINATION.
CG: BUT INSTEAD IT SMELLED LIKE
CG: WELL, LET'S NOT GET INTO THAT.
CG: THIS IS THE END OF YOU. THAT AROMA YOU DETECT WAFTS FROM THE BOUQUET PERCHED ON YOUR CORPSE BOX.


EB: this is all that big time trolling i was looking forward to.
EB: and it's pretty good so far, and ordinarily i would be excited to hear more...
EB: but i really am concerned about what happened with jade!
EB: can you just tell me what's up with jade?


CG: HAHAHAHAHAHA
CG: HERE I AM TALKING TO YOU MOMENTS AFTER YOU DID THE TERRIBLE THING, AND YOU STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID!


EB: so tell me what i fucking did!!!


CG: OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DID?


EB: yes!
EB: please, no more stalling or "i already told you's" or any other maddening nonsense!
EB: just...
EB: TELL ME!


CG: VERY WELL, JOHN HUMAN EGBERT.
CG: I WILL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID
CG: READY FOR ME TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID?
CG: HERE'S ME, TELLING YOU WHAT YOU DID
CG: OK, HERE GOES
CG: WHAT YOU DID IS AS FOLLOWS
CG: AS SUCH
CG: AND THUSLY



[S] What you did was this.

ANIMATION LOG:



Jade's pre-punched item took the form of some sort of dog pinata.



At Rose's urging, John tried to prototype something harmless...



...but a certain troll had other plans.



Vriska sent John to sleep. Seconds remained, and the kernelsprite was left un-prototyped.



That's why, in order to save his master, AND in order to save the Medium,



Becquerel prototyped himself.



Using the omnipotent powers granted to him in order to guide Earth's destiny, Becsprite held off the meteor for just a little longer.



But either way, this is the beginning of the end for human civilization.



As the clock ticks, Jade's last shot at activating her pre-punched item is a desperate mid-air blindfolded rifle shot...



...which, with Becsprite's help, succeeds.



Jade enters the Medium.



Meanwhile, in the Medium, Bro and Davesprite square off against Jack.



As the final player enters the game, Jack undergoes a metamorphosis.



With this final transformation come all the powers of Earth's First Guardian.



At another time, in another dimension.

Twelve trolls stand poised to claim the ultimate reward.



But the reward is deined,



by something that never should have existed.



Aradia's hundreds of doomed clones fight to stall Jack,

but there's nothing they can do to stop him.



Karkat wakes up on Prospit, right after his final defeat,



and sees Jack waiting for him.

Or, as he knows him, Spades Slick.



Dream Karkat's last sight is a betrayal from the only person he ever looked up to.



The other Prospit is destroyed.



Jack is the demon.

NEXT TIME: Some people you haven't seen in a while.

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