Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 17: The Mirthful Messiahs
Link back to comic: Page 3356
Don't turn your back on the body? That's the stupidest thing you've ever heard. What are a bunch of corpses going to do?
In fact, you're going to check on them right now. You'll turn around, nice and slow, pretending not to be terrified.
See? Everything's just how it was.
Gamzee is messaging you.
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
TC: honk.
CG: GAMZEE!!!
CG: FUCK
CG: THERE YOU ARE, YOU HAD ME WORRIED DUDE
TC: HONK.
CG: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ANYWAY, I TOLD EVERYONE TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA WANDER OFF.
TC: honk.
TC: HONK.
CG: QUIT THE BULLSHIT PARTYCLOWN ANTICS AND GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE.
TC: shut up.
CG: WHAT...
TC: I SAID SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER.
TC: honk honk honk :o)
CG: ARE YOU OK
CG: YOU'RE REALLY WEIRDING ME OUT.
TC: I GUESS I'M ALL MOTHERFUCKIN WEIRDING OUT AT SOME EXTENT TO MY OWN MOTHERFUCKIN SELF.
TC: but it's all good, i'm chill with it.
CG: OH GOD
CG: NO NO NO, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU WENT CRAZY, I COULDN'T TAKE THAT ON TOP OF ALL THIS.
CG: SERIOUSLY, GET BACK HERE NOW, AND HAVE A SLIME PIE TO RELAX OR SOMETHING.
TC: SLIME?
TC: shit was motherfuckin poison, didn't you know?
TC: RUSTS YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN THINK PAN.
TC: only under motherfuckin standing of who all i was made out to be all along.
TC: ONLY UNDER MOTHERFUCKING STANDING OF WHO ALL I WAS MADE OUT TO MOTHERFUCKING BE ALL A MOTHERFUCKING LONG.
CG: OH MY GOD
CG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
TC: all up in lifelong denial about my calling.
TC: AS A DESCENDANT OF THE HIGH MOTHERFUCKIN SUBJUGGLATORS.
TC: we are higher than you, brother.
TC: WE ARE HIGHER THAN MOTHERFUCKIN EVERYBODY.
TC: and now i'm the last one, so i finally motherfuckin understand.
TC: I FINALLY GOT MY MOTHERFUCKING UNDERSTAND ON TO WHO THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS ARE.
TC: they were always both me. :o)
TC: AND ALSO MOTHERFUCKING ME. Do:
TC: i am going to motherfuckin kill all you motherfuckers.
CG: OH GOD
CG: OH MAN
CG: OH GOD
TC: I AM GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
TC: and paint the wicked pictures with your motherfuckin blood.
TC: FROM YOUR VEINS WILL DRIP MY MIRACLES.
TC: your crushed bones will make my special stardust.
TC: WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL, BROTHER.
TC: honk.
TC: HONK.
TC: honk.
TC: HOOOOOOOOOOONK.
-- terminallyCapricious [TC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] --
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY.
CCG: THIS IS PROBABLY THE LAST MEMO I WILL WRITE.
CCG: BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S PRETTY MUCH NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.
CCG: AND SECOND OF ALL, I MIGHT BE DEAD SOON.
CCG: THE BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE.
CCG: YEAH, I KNOW WE ALL THOUGHT THAT TITLE WAS A JOKE, BUT IT TURNED OUT IT WASN'T.
CCG: HE'S COMPLETELY SNAPPED, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU FURTHER AHEAD ON THE TIMELINE, I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU HOW DANGEROUS HE IS.
CCG: REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO THE BLACK KING.
CCG: NOBODY COULD EXPLAIN IT, AND THEN HE JUST WENT BACK TO SPACING OUT FOR THE REST OF THE BATTLE.
CCG: I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT.
CCG: I DON'T EVEN THINK THE KING COULD FUCKING BELIEVE IT, FRANKLY.
CCG: DID ANYONE'S ATTACK DO AS MUCH DAMAGE? I DON'T THINK SO.
CCG: HE IS OUT OF PIE, AND NOW THE FAYGO GENIE IS OUT OF THE SHITTY SODA BOTTLE FOR GOOD.
CCG: I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF BODIES, AND I THINK I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TURN MY BACK ON THEM?
CCG: OH MY GOD, I JUST HEARD A HONK.
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
CCG: IT CAME FROM THE HORN PILE
CCG: I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS JUST THE BODY SETTLING ON AN ERRANT HORN OR...
PAST terminallyCapricious [PTC] 420 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PTC: HeY BeSt fRiEnD.
PTC: nOw wHaT ThE MoThEr fUcK WiLl i bE SuPpOsEd tO Do?
PTC: i'M nOt FoLlOwInG.
CCG: PAST GAMZEE, GOD DAMN IT.
CCG: I AM TRYING TO WARN PEOPLE OF YOUR MURDEROUS FUTURE SELF.
CCG: NOW GO BACK TO GROPING YOUR HORNS AND BEING DISTRACTED BY COLORS YOU USELESS FUCK.
PTC: i gUeSs i'lL WaIt uNtIl tHe mOtHeRfUcKiN FuTuRe hApPeNs tO SeE AbOuT WhAt aLl tHiS MuRdErInG NoIsE Is. :o)
CCG banned PTC from responding to memo.
CCG: LIKE I WAS SAYING.
CCG: I REALLY HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, BUT
CCG: I SHOULD TRY TO REVIVE THEM FIRST.
CCG: I KNOW DERSE AND PROSPIT ARE GONE, BUT IF THERE'S ANY CHANCE AT ALL THEY SURVIVED I'VE GOT TO TRY.
CCG: GUESS I HAVE TO BRAVE IT FOR FEFERI'S SAKE.
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 380 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCC: For my sake? 38)
PCC: W)(at do you mean, Crabcatc)(?
CCG: OH GOD, FEFERI...
CCG: FEFERI, I'M SORRY.
CCG: IT WAS MY FAULT, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
PCC: Sorry for w)(at??
CCG: FOR
CCG: I
CCG: I CAN'T DO THIS
CCG: IT'S TOO MUCH FOR ME, I'M SORRY.
CCG banned PCC from responding to memo.
CCG: BEFORE I GO
CCG: EVERYONE SHOULD ALSO KNOW ERIDAN HAD A COMPLETE SHITHIVE MELTDOWN TOO
CCG: HE'S GOING AROUND KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND
CCG: SO KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIM.
PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 311 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PCA: a magic wwand is that so
PCA: kar come on noww evveryone fuckin KNOWWS this memos rubbish
CCG: HEY ASSHOLE
CCG: YOU ARE DEAD TO ME
CCG: PAST YOU, PRESENT YOU, FUTURE YOU
CCG: IF I WASN'T SO TERRIFIED, I'D BE CONSUMED WITH ANGER, AND AS SOON AS I'M DONE COWERING IN A DARK CORNER HIDING FROM THAT HONKING MURDEROUS TOOL, I'M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND FILLET YOU WITH MY SICKLE.
PCA: this is nothin if not flatterin but dont you think youre comin on a little strong
CCG: OH GOD
CCG: I AM NOT HITTING ON YOU IDIOT, THIS IS HONEST TO GOD PLATONIC ENMITY
CCG: LIKE IN THE "I REALLY DO WANT YOU TO DIE" KIND OF WAY.
PCA: i mean yeah obvviously i kneww you wwerent serious
PCA: i guess i appreciate the effort youre puttin into cheerin me up
PCA: you said youd try to make it to lowwaa soon wwell howw about it
CCG: DUDE, ARE YOU AN IDIOT, YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE I AM FROM 300 FUCKING HOURS IN THE FUTURE, EVEN IF I WERE REMOTELY INTERESTED, WHICH TO THAT I SIMPLY SAY WHAT THE FUCK.
PCA: im just lonely here and i got major ordeals to keep afloat wwith
PCA: im sayin it wwould be cool to hang out and you said you wwould
PCA: can you put in a wword wwith your past self maybe buggin him to make the trip wwhen he gets the chance
CCG: WAIT, WERE YOU HITTING ON ME BACK THEN?
CCG: *ARE* YOU HITTING ON ME?
CCG: LIKE AN ACTUAL RED SOLICITATION, IS THAT WAS THIS WAS???
CCG: GOD DAMN IT, I AM CHEWING YOU OUT FOR WAND MURDER, AND YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH ME
PCA: hey im not spyin you bein anythin but cagey wwhat wwith this wwhole line a humor and all
CCG: IS THIS REAL, ARE YOU BEING IRONIC OR SOMETHING, I CAN'T EVEN TELL ANYMORE
CCG: I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU FOREVER.
PCA: kar im gettin some seriously mixed signals here
CCG: HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM
CCG: FUCK
CCG: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER.
PCA: wwhat youre not makin sense
CCG: AND ALSO...
CCG: I CAN'T EVEN TYPE HER NAME
CCG: SHE WAS MY FRIEND
CCG: I'M SO UPSET, I'M JUST COMPLETELY FREAKING OUT IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.
CCG: NEXT TIME I SEE THAT SHITTY COLOR YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR BODY.
CCG: AND NO, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, THAT WAS NOT INNUENDO.
CCG banned PCA from responding to memo.
FUTURE terminallyCapricious [FTC] 0:42:00 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTC: honk.
FTC: HEY BEST MOTHERFUCKING FRIEND.
FTC: what all seems to be the motherfuckin problem? :o)
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD
FTC: NO CAUSE FOR ALARM, JUST MOTHERFUCKIN GONNA SIT AND ZONE THE MOTHERFUCK OUT WITH A PAN RUSTING PIE LIKE AS MY USUAL MOTHERFUCKIN SELF DOES.
FTC: honk.
FTC: HONK.
FTC: honk.
FTC: HONK.
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
FTC: i'm in your future, best friend.
FTC: I KNOW WHERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARE.
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
FTC: AND ALSO.
FTC: i'm all about to be meeting up some friends. :o)
FTC: GOING TO GET PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY AT THEM REAL SOON.
CCG: OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK OH FUCK
CCG: I HAVE TO GO
CCG closed memo.
Why, what have we here? IT IS A MYSTERY.
Your legislacerative investigation begins at once. You'll figure out who did this, and they shall feel the wrath of justice!
Dusting Tavros for prints proves ineffective. There are prints on the lance, though!
You're just pretending to not know who obviously did this.
Enough playing around. It's time to revive Tavros from the dead.
Kissing corpses isn't pleasant, but you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ugh.
Your attempts at revival are futile. Their dream selves have already been slain.
Back on the Battlefield!
You have just found your father's wallet.
Your new, very practical Wallet Modus is, at present, mostly full of shaving cream.
Anything else good in here?
Oh yes.
There's even a car!
Time for a ride!
Oh wait, you don't even have the keys to this.
This poses no challenge, of course, for an Heir of Breath.
WE HAVE
EB: hey jade, are you there? i have a computer now.
GG: wow, finally!
GG: dave was able to set up as my server player
GG: he is building up my house right now so that we can deploy some equipment up there
EB: dave is serving ALL the ladies, isn't he?
EB: he is like a dude on butler island.
EB: i mean, a dude who happens to be one of the butlers...
EB: doing a lot of serving, to various ladies who are vacationing at this snooty resort.
EB: wait, i am fucking this up.
EB: what is the equipment you're deploying?
GG: something to do with cloning i guess? it serves some purpose in my quest as witch of space
GG: a bunch of trolls are not nearly as bad as i thought
GG: even karkat! he has been helping me too... sort of, hehe
GG: flying off the handle is part is of his charm in a funny way, once you know that about him
EB: yes, this is what i have concluded about him as well.
EB: he is a pretty great guy. i am really looking forward to more of his outbursts, especially his first conversation with me, which i am to understand will be legendary.
EB: everyone i know is turning magic, it's ridiculous.
EB: including me! i'm magic now.
GG: it certainly seems so! what with your fancy magic car
EB: this is not a magic car, it is an ordinary car.
EB: i found it in my dad's wallet.
EB: but my dad was nowhere to be found. :(
EB: the clouds led me to the wallet though, so maybe they will keep leading me to him?
GG: maybe, but hang on let me try something
EB: ok.
EB: i have seen lots of interesting things in the clouds...
EB: like stuff i have done before. and also stuff i will do in the future.
EB: and things that rose and dave have been up to...
EB: and you too!
EB: i saw you once in a neat outfit...
EB: it was kind of like you were torn from the pages of my favorite japanese mangas.
EB: and the snow was melting.
EB: and you were surrounded by frogs for some reason!
EB: heh, now it sounds like i am describing a weird dream i had about you.
GG: sure does!
GG: i wonder why i would be surrounded by frogs?
GG: i hope i am not planning on putting them in a cauldron or anything o_o
EB: oh, and one time i saw a green version of you with pointy ears, and you were crying!
EB: did that happen yet?
GG: bluh. yes :|
GG: i prototyped my dead dream self and tried to get her to fight jack
GG: god i cant believe how dumb that idea was, she was an emotional wreck
EB: wow jade, you really have been up to a lot!
EB: and i have just been staring at these dumb clouds for hours or whatever.
EB: i even saw my own dead body in a cloud!
GG: oh noooo
EB: it's ok though, it already happened.
EB: i was sort of tricked into sleeping on my quest bed.
EB: and when i went to sleep, jack killed me.
EB: she must have known that would happen...
EB: she is pretty cool, but just between you and me, she might be a little crazy!
GG: well if she tricked you into getting killed, then i would have to agree
EB: honestly i think dying was a necessary part of the process, and she just didn't tell me so i wouldn't get scared.
EB: i died on the quest bed and woke up here, as my dream self.
EB: and now i have all these sweet wind powers.
GG: ohhhhhh!
GG: that makes sense
GG: dave had mentioned you reached the god tier
GG: but he did not say what it involved D:
GG: actually, now it makes sense that i wouldnt be able to, since my dream self is dead
GG: its too bad really
EB: maybe you shouldn't rule it out though?
EB: i mean, you did mention your dream self isn't COMPLETELY dead, remember?
GG: why dont you tell me about your new friend?
EB: he is just this silly guy i met when i woke up here.
EB: i ran into a bunch of them in a salamander village, they are all completely ridiculous.
GG: you are just going to have to deal with the fact that you are becoming a famous hero john, and people everywhere will idolize you
EB: derp! they aren't idolizing ME, it's my dumb bedsheets they love!
EB: OH!
EB: also, another thing about him...
EB: he has the queen's ring!
GG: thats great! john you have to get that ring from him!
EB: i've tried! i asked him politely for it and everything.
EB: but he is very protective of it!
EB: i think he is supposed to keep it.
EB: so i think i will just let him keep it.
EB: for some reason, i trust him.
GG: i trust you
GG: so i will trust in your trust in him
GG: im going to be a supportive piece of shit all day and fall down all this trust!
EB: how trustworthy do you even have to BE to CONFIDE in someone like that.
EB: anyway, i guess that's enough of that nonsense.
EB: i should keep looking for my dad!
GG: john, i already found your dad!
GG: he is with roses mom
GG: they are in a castle, having some sort of tea party together
EB: jade, what if they get married or something???
EB: oh god, if rose became my sister too, that would wreak HAVOC on karkat's shipping diagram!
EB: as leader of this team i submit that we cannot afford to let this happen!!!!!!!!!!
GG: RED ALERT!!!!!!
GG: AWOOOOOOOOOOOGA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: but really, they make a nice couple and i think it would be great if they got married!
EB: yes, i agree.
EB: even if it would make it awkward for me to marry rose.
GG: i dunno
GG: who are they to stand between two youngsters in love?
EB: whoa, in love???
GG: yes john, two people must be in love in order to get married
GG: so what do you say john, are you in love with rose?
EB: argh!
EB: this line of questioning is making me flustered.
EB: all i know is, i was ordered by karkat to marry rose.
EB: i think we can both agree that it would be reckless to look at a crappy shipping diagram made by an alien, and ignore its message altogether.
GG: i didnt even know karkat made a shipping diagram...
EB: it's a thing of beauty, and it will save the human race.
EB: btw, you will marry dave.
EB: 100% TRUE REALITY.
GG: whaaat...
EB: it's all in the diagram, jade.
EB: it's all in the diagram.
GG: i clearly need to take a good hard look at this prophetic document
GG: and possibly tell karkat what an idiot he is!
EB: ok but anyway, who cares about his terrible shitty drawings and meddlesome romantic schemes!
EB: how do i find my dad!
GG: well, i dont actually know where he is relative to you!
GG: these goggles are actually REALLY COMPLICATED!
GG: i will look into it and get back to you
GG: in the meantime, why dont you fly around and keep looking?
EB: yes, that's a good idea, i'll do that.
EB: thanks for the help, jade!
GG: sure! <3
EB: i will talk to you later.
GG: later!
NEXT CHAPTER: Brutal subjuggulation.
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