Let's Play Homestuck
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Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 19: Make War, Not Love
Good thing you remembered to buckle up.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]
AG: Hi John.
EB: oh, hey there, vriska.
EB: can this wait? i was about to check out this castle and see if my dad is here.
AG: Your guardians are not here!
AG: They are in another castle. Don't worry, you'll find them later.
AG: You will find them after a little more questing around in your awesome 8lue godhood. So why don't you relax and talk to me for a while?
EB: well...
EB: ok, i guess so.
AG: Why don't you have your hood up, 8y the way?
AG: You look gr8 with the hood up. And anyway, we should 8e showing a little pride as the only ones to make god tier, don't you think?
EB: i don't know if it is much of a major accomplishment, honestly.
AG: John, are you mad at me?
EB: um... no?
EB: why would i be mad at you, vriska?
AG: 8ecause I tricked you into getting killed!!!!!!!!
EB: i... actually almost forgot about that!
EB: i mean, i admit i was pretty confused about it at first, seeing my dead body in the cloud and all...
EB: but in the end, you did it to help me, didn't you?
EB: really, i should probably be thanking you!
EB: uh...
EB: are you there?
AG: Yes, I am here.
AG: Sorry, I wasn't sure what to say for a moment.
AG: I am just so incredi8ly relieved you are not angry with me.
EB: heh. i really don't know what reason i would have to be angry!
AG: I don't know, John. You'd 8e surprised how often people resent it when you try to help them!
AG: 8ut see, you really get it. That's why you're special.
AG: <33333333
EB: so...
EB: is that what you wanted to talk to me about?
AG: Not exactly.
AG: I know how this is pro8a8ly going to sound, especially to a human.
AG: 8ut I just killed someone.
EB: you did?
EB: who was it? you mean like, a bad guy?
AG: He was a friend.
AG: Someone from our team.
EB: well, did he attack you or something?
AG: Yes.
AG: 8ut really, that's not why I killed him. He was no match for me, and I could have just incapacit8ed him or flown away or whatever.
AG: The truth is I killed him 8ecause at the time, I thought I wanted to, and sort of felt like I finally had to.
EB: uh...
EB: why did you have to?
AG: 8ecause enough was enough! You don't even know how frustr8ing it was to 8e friends with him.
AG: I used to really like him and always wanted to help him get stronger, so that he might stand a fucking chance to actually make it on our world.
AG: 8ut he was just soooooooo weak and indecisive. He wouldn't change!
AG: And when he tried to change, it was too little and too l8. Always l8. L8ey L8ey L88888888.
AG: Too l8 to kiss me.
AG: Too l8 to kill me.
AG: He couldn't do it when I really needed him to. So when I saw he was actually serious a8out trying to kill me now of all times...
AG: I just got SO AAAAAAAANGRY. I am still a 8it upset thinking a8out it.
AG: So I killed him.
EB: wow.
EB: you're right, vriska. that does not sound good.
AG: I know our races are completely different. And I really h8 the idea of you thinking worse of me 8ecause of this.
AG: 8ut I don't have anyone else to talk to a8out it!
EB: what about all of your friends?
AG: No no no no no no no no!
AG: For one thing, they would pro8a8ly just 8e pissed off at me for killing Tavros.
AG: And more importantly, there's no waaaaaaaay I could tell them how I really feel a8out it.
EB: well, how do you feel?
AG: Horri8le!!!!!!!!
AG: If any of my friends knew that, they would think I'm weak.
EB: i guess i understand. i mean, i'm trying to, with the cultural difference and all.
EB: like, trolls are more violent and angry, right? kind of like klingons or something, which is an angry race of alien savages from a human tv show.
EB: but i think that no matter what alien culture you are from, killing is still wrong!
EB: and it sounds like you do too.
AG: This is where our cultures clash, I think.
AG: It just isn't the 8lack and white thing humans seem to think it is!
AG: On my world, I would 8e completely vindic8ed for killing him! He is far lower on the hemospectrum than me. He managed to disrespect me time and time again, 8ut I kept letting him live! In fact, the amount of slack I cut him would 8e considered scandalous 8y those in my class.
AG: And the fact that I feel 8ad is why I'm sort of freaking out right now!
AG: This was sort of like a test, and I'm afraid I might 8e failing.
EB: how was it like a test?
AG: Well, it was the first time I killed some8ody.
AG: Ok, that's not really true. What I meant was, it was the first time I killed some8ody I cared a8out.
EB: you killed other people, that you didn't care about?
EB: hm. how many?
AG: Oh, it doesn't matter. Pro8a8ly many thousands.
AG: God, I know how this sounds! 8ut I had to feed her. My lusus I mean. I've 8asically 8een playing this role as a slave in the food chain my whole life. It is what she selected me to do.
EB: i guess that is why you didn't get along with her?
EB: still, that is a LOT of killing. jesus...
EB: but then you finally killed a guy you liked, and...
EB: not so cool anymore?
AG: Yeah. OH!
AG: Ok, that's not quite right. He's the second person I cared a8out who I killed.
AG: Man, I always forget a8out her!
AG: Oh, also, TECHNICALLY I attempted to kill that same guy around the same time.
AG: 8ut I just wound up paralyzing him! Oops, hahahaha.
EB: ...
AG: 8ut man. That was sweeps ago.
AG: I think I had a really juvenile attitude a8out killing 8ack then. I think I was trying too hard?
EB: i guess i had no idea how different we really were.
EB: what i am hearing is seriously scaring the shit out of me!
AG: Yeah, I know. I wish we didn't have to 8e so different. I'm just trying to 8e honest with you, 8ecause like I said, I have nowhere else to go.
EB: ok, well i appreciate the honesty.
EB: so... if killing isn't exactly wrong, then what is it?
AG: I guess I have to admit I don't actually know that much a8out humans either!
AG: I really have no clue what it means to grow up as a human, though.
AG: 8ut I do know what it means grow up as a troll, and what's expected of us.
AG: When a troll comes of age, you 8etter 8elieve it means they're going to start killing.
EB: i would like to be culturally sensitive, but i wish it didn't have to be like that for you.
EB: i have started to really like you guys!
AG: Well, thanks John. That's nice of you to say. 8ut let's face it, it doesn't fucking matter anymore, since our whole race was wiped out!
AG: At least we got the chance to cre8te you guys, and all those twinkly stars you used to look up at.
AG: So 8ecause we got that chance, it means we'll never actually get to come of age and enter troll society, and see if we got what it takes.
AG: 8ut that doesn't mean we stop growing up!
AG: I think the game knows it's always gonna 8e played 8y kids, and it always rigs it so they enter right around the cusp of sexual maturity, whatever the race is.
AG: I don't think we were so hot at that aspect of the game. In fact, I'm sure we were quite awful. Hell, even I wasn't that gr8 at it! I actually just kinda fell ass 8ackwards into the god tier, to 8e honest.
AG: 8ut what really gets me is this didn't even occur to me until just now, while I was sitting around thinking a8out it.
AG: It was so o8vious!
EB: what?
AG: That was why the game split us up into two teams.
AG: It knew as we came of age, we'd pro8a8ly start killing each other.
AG: So it just provided the stage. Red team vs. 8lue. It was so simple! All we had to do was what we were naturally inclined to. It might have worked out 8etter for us.
AG: If we really did take the team thing seriously, and started killing each other, may8e it would have meant more god tiers?
AG: In retrospect we failed at this so spectacularly, I am amazed, and kind of ashamed.
AG: Actually, this is pro8a8ly Karkat's fault.
AG: When it comes down to it, he was pro8a8ly too good a leader! He actually did manage to get the two teams to work together toward the same goal. It could have easily deterior8ed into a feud otherwise.
AG: He was just so loud and annoying and o8sessed with leadership. He wouldn't shut up! So it was just easier to go along with his plans.
EB: yeah, i can see how that could be true.
AG: It wasn't natural! Pretty fitting, really, since he's kind of a freak himself. He's not even on the hemospectrum, the weirdo.
AG: I really dou8t he would have handled it as a leader if the shit ever hit the whirling device.
AG: He'd 8e so pissed if he heard me say this, 8ut I think he'd cut it 8etter as a human than as a troll.
EB: you probably mean that as an insult, but i think it is a nice compliment!
EB: but...
EB: i won't tell him you said it, heheheh.
Since you have nothing better to do while being stalked by threeish homicidal teammates, you take a moment to reflect on your time as the team's ectobiologist. It was the last time that anything you were doing really made any sense.
But what was the point? All that predestination just to end with you all stuck on an asteroid, slowly turning crazy and killing each other. You wish you had never hatched your team out of all this paradox slime.
And what about those OTHER twelve wigglers you created? Who the hell were they? Were they the real heroes, supposed to go back in time and win after this botched session? Who the hell knows.
Sollux wakes up.
EB: so... what about jack?
EB: are you still planning on killing him?
EB: that would be a constructive way to use your killer troll instincts, even by human standards.
EB: it is much better than killing friends.
AG: Yeah, you're right.
AG: And to tell you the truth, part of the reason I wanted to kill him was to protect them. It's not just a8out glory you know.
EB: yeah.
EB: so...
EB: will you go fight him then?
AG: Man, I don't know anymore.
AG: It's one reason I'm freaking out a8out this. A8out feeling 8ad a8out a simple, perfectly justifia8le killing.
AG: If I can't handle that, doesn't it mean I'm not as strong as I thought? What hope do I have against Jack if that's the case?
EB: i bet you are still really strong.
EB: but then, i'm not sure if i actually want to encourage you to go off fighting him...
EB: because as strong as you probably are, it sounds like he is REALLY strong.
EB: and even though you killed tons of people, i think i would still be pretty sad if you died.
AG: Aw. ::::)
AG: I admit, I'm pretty scared thinking a8out it.
AG: Not of him necessarily, 8ut of the fact that I apparently don't know myself as well as I 8elieved.
AG: What if I'm not as lucky as I thought?
AG: 8ut then, if there is no chance of catching a 8ad 8r8k, then taking a risk doesn't even qualify as 8r8very, does it?
AG: So if this is going to mean anything, I guess I just have to find the strength from somewhere to go through with it.
AG: Hmm........
AG: You know how I said I couldn't rel8 to the attachment you have for your guardians?
EB: yes.
AG: Well, I guess that isn't completely true.
AG: There are adult trolls who we can rel8 to, if we choose to, and if we are lucky enough to discover who they are.
AG: 8ut it is not really in a familial sense, at least not socially speaking, the way you understand family. They are more like figures of legend, who are said to have more in common with us genetically than any other troll. 8ut we can never meet them of course. Only look up to them, and follow in their footsteps, 8ecause they died centuries ago.
EB: like...
EB: ancestors?
AG: Yeah!
AG: We are each supposed to have one, and if you 8elieve the lore a8out it, your destiny will 8e tied to theirs. You will find clues pointing to them and who they were, 8ut you will only notice them if your eyes are open.
EB: wow, that is kinda neat.
EB: so, do you believe?
AG: I don't have to 8elieve.
AG: I am completely certain it is true, and I know who mine is!
AG: I have 8een doing my 8est to honor her legacy for most of my life.
EB: how did you know she was the one?
AG: It was 8efore I ever started gaming, or rounding up other kids to feed my lusus.
AG: I was nearing the age where I would 8e expected to feed her.
AG: I really didn't think I would make it. I was sure I'd fail, and my lusus would either get angry and eat me, or she'd just die and then I'd 8e culled.
AG: 8ut then I saw a shooting star one evening.
AG: I tracked down where it landed, and found a chest with my sign on it.
AG: A sign is an insignia we must wear, specific to our class. Each class has a huge alpha8et of signs, so when someone shares yours, you know you have a lot in common. I was so excited to see it.
EB: what was in the chest!
AG: It was her journal!
AG: She documented all of her amazing adventures as she sailed around the world, commanding a notoriously deadly fleet of Gam8lignants.
AG: It was so thrilling reading it. It really felt like she wrote it just for me, like she was talking right to me and telling me how to 8e like her. She even left notes on where she 8uried treasure and stuff, which I followed l8er when I started RPing. I found her dice that way, and so many other gr8 things.
EB: that is a pretty exciting story!
EB: so then, your great great great grandnanna or such was some kind of troll pirate? uh, i mean, pir8?
AG: And that's not all.
AG: Not that I really needed it proved to me that she was my ancestor, 8ut that's exactly what happened while playing this game.
AG: It turned out that in addition to cre8ting us all in the ecto8iology la8, Karkat cre8ted our ancestors too!
EB: it really sounds like our situations are not so different!
EB: i created our guardians in the lab too, along with the four of us.
AG: Oh yeah. Wow, I never thought a8out that.
EB: i even had a book i learned a lot from too, the book was sort of a family tradition.
EB: it was written by an even older ancestor, my nanna's grandpa, who was only the most LEGENDARY PRANKSTER OF ALL TIME.
EB: so as you can see, we have both benefited greatly from ancestral wisdom.
AG: Haha, oh man...
AG: You had it so easy! You don't have to go hunting for clues a8out your ancestors at all.
AG: There was a picture of her hanging RIGHT THERE on the wall of your hive.
AG: I don't know why, 8ut that is just so funny to me.
AG: Your lives are so simple and easy. It must 8e really nice 8eing a human, even though you're all so weak.
AG: 8ut may8e it's ok to 8e weak, if that's what's normal.
EB: yeah, it is pretty great, actually. i highly recommend being human.
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]
TA: terezi?
GC: F1N4LLY!!!
GC: 1 W4S ST4RT1NG TO TH1NK 1 W4S TH3 L4ST ON3 OF US 4L1V3
GC: H4V3 YOU S33N K4RK4T?
TA: n0.
TA: but i've sure as hell heard him.
GC: WH4T DO3S TH4T M34N??
GC: 4ND WHY 4R3 YOU TYP1NG L1K3 TH1S, 1TS V3RY ODD >:?
TA: it means that i'm blind n0w.
TA: and i guess i talk like this cause...
TA: kk kn0cked 0ut all my teeth like s0me kind of grubfisted d0uche.
GC: 1'M R3L13V3D YOU 4ND H3 4R3 OK
TA: seems like he wants t0 talk t0 y0u.
TA: but i was h0ping t0 talk with y0u a bit first, h0pe y0u d0n't mind.
GC: OK SOLLUX, W3 C4N T4LK
GC: WH4T 1S TH1S 4BOUT YOU B31NG BL1ND?
TA: i h0pe y0u d0n't find it insulting that i wanted t0 talk t0 y0u ab0ut it first.
TA: it was eridan.
TA: g0t me with his fucking science stick, but it's my fault, i t0tally underestimated him.
GC: OH NO
GC: SOLLUX...
GC: DO YOU KNOW 4BOUT F3F3R1?
TA: yes.
TA: but it's 0k, i'm 0k with that t00.
TA: it's hard t0 explain h0w i'm feeling n0w.
TA: i just kn0w that she is happy and 0k right n0w.
TA: just like aradia is.
GC: YOU 4R3 SUR3 YOUR3 OK?
TA: yeah.
TA: i feel better than i ever have, really.
TA: there is n0 m0re n0ise, i never realized h0w N0ISY it was.
GC: WH4T K1ND OF NO1S3 W3R3 YOU H34R1NG
TA: v0ices.
TA: indiscriminate, indecipherable v0ices, all talking at 0nce, v0ices 0f the s00n t0 be dead.
TA: maybe since they're g0ne, it means we w0n't have t0 die anym0re?
GC: 1 HOP3 YOUR3 R1GHT
GC: SO WH3R3 4R3 YOU GUYS?
GC: 1 SHOULD COM3 JO1N YOU, SO W3 C4N ST1CK TOG3TH3R
TA: fuck, i dunn0.
TA: i'm BLIND, remember?
TA: i'll ask kk.
GC: H4NG ON
GC: SOM3TH1NG 1S GO1NG ON
GC: 1 SM3LL SOM3TH1NG 1N H3R3
TA: terezi?
TA: are y0u there?????
TA: aw shit n0...
At an unknown time...
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
AA: hello!
AA: i think its absurd i never introduced myself to you in all that time i spent moping around the lab
AA: guess i wasnt in a very good mood
AA: hi dave my names aradia
TG: christ
TG: youre a fan of one of my websites arent you
TG: what asshole gave you my chumhandle
TG: also what was your favorite thing i did you liked
TG: also
TG: asl???
AA: 6 a girl and a place very close to you
AA: in fact
AA: i could visit you right now if you would like
TG: oh holy shit ok youre a troll
TG: only trolls say theyre six i dont know whats up with you and that dumb fake age
AA: to be fair it translates to the same age as you which at the moment is 12 is it not
AA: understanding disparities in the flow of time should be easy for people like us let alone understanding disparities in such pedestrian things as units
TG: cool story
TG: or wait maybe it was just a waste of time
TG: you people think im made of the stuff
AA: i know you arent
AA: but i am
AA: maid of time
TG: i think
TG: im gonna shut off my phone now cya
AA: thats definitely what you did the first time we had this conversation
AA: so i will wait patiently while you realize thats not what youre going to do this time
TG: i remember this
TG: i remember shutting off my phone and never talking to you again
TG: but
TG: im still talking
TG: whats going on
AA: this is a memory
TG: no its a dream
TG: im asleep
TG: or am i
TG: what is going on here
AA: come to the window
TG: i dont see anything out there
AA: that iiis
AA: becaaause
AA: im not out there anymore!
AA: turn around
TG: oh sup
TG: looks like youre a fairy
AA: yeah
TG: thats cool
TG: these arent my shades anymore
TG: and i wasnt wearing this shirt
TG: it was this one
TG: howd it get like that
AA: try to remember
TG: wait
TG: i wasnt wearing this actually
TG: it was this ugly fucking rag
AA: i think it looks pretty nice but go on
TG: and i went to take a nap
TG: terezi said id reach god tier
TG: did it work is this part of the process somehow
AA: not exactly
TG: oh yeah
TG: i woke up
TG: and then
TG: welp
TG: then this isnt a memory or a dream at all
TG: its the afterlife
AA: it is the afterlife
AA: but what is happening now is taking place in a bubble which is accessible to the living through dreams under the right conditions
AA: and it is also your memory
AA: the entry point for any bubble is always a memory
AA: either a memory of the dead
AA: or a memory of the living dreamer come to visit!
TG: i dont remember this
AA: this is alpha dave
AA: the one who chose not to take the nap which led to your death
TG: so then i guess terezi tricked me
TG: it would have been cool to know if picking one option would definitely kill me pointlessly
TG: is
TG: bro dead there
TG: like thats a thing that really happened
TG: what did i do wrong
AA: nothing
AA: all is well and as it should be
AA: the living need each others help
AA: just like the dead do
AA: alpha dave still has a long way to go
AA: hes still not at ease with his mortality
AA: but people like us have to be!
AA: we have to be prepared to die a thousand deaths before our quest is complete
AA: the master we serve demands it
TG: why are you even here like why are you showing me this
TG: shouldnt i be able to do something about it
TG: or stop it from happening or
TG: i dont know like anything to keep helping my friends
AA: none of this is your business anymore
AA: its time to move on
AA: oh look this was my hive!
AA: before it was destroyed
TG: oh so this is the trollplanet
TG: i pictured a lot more mayhem like
TG: a bunch of trolls flying around in little grub pods constantly screaming at each other through bullhorns shaped like buckets
AA: thats very silly and a little perverse
AA: but actually that sounds like what it might have been like on some parts of the planet sooo
TG: so what am i supposed to do now that im dead
TG: what is like
TG: the primary activity here
TG: that ghosts get their shit worked up over
TG: where are the fucking hauntoffs at is what im asking
AA: i dont know about hauntoffs
AA: but there is plenty of time to satisfy various curiosities you might have about existence and whatnot
AA: there are all sorts of friends to meet
AA: hey!
AA: want to see inside my hive
TG: how about later
TG: not that that doesnt sound cool but i kind of want to just go home
TG: and i guess chill for a while cause i guess it was all a bit much
AA: it seems you have a hiveguest dave
TG: is this who i think this is
AT: hEYYY,
AT: fIRST, oK, i THINK YOU'RE FANTASTIC,
AT: wHICH IS TO SAY, jUST AN ENVIABLY COOL GUY, wHO i ADMIRE,
AT: lET'S PUT THAT COMPLIMENT ON THE TABLE WHERE WE CAN BOTH SEE IT,
TG: dude
TG: are those sick fires youre packing there
TG: you best not be bringin that fire into my bubble less you plan on dropping that shit
AT: tHESE ARE WITHOUT ANY CONFUSION TO BE NOTED AS SOME TRULY UNHEALTHY INCENDIARIES,
AT: tHEY ARE IN ABOVE AVERAGE NEED OF MEDICAL ATTENTION,
AT: sO, iN OTHER WORDS, jUST TO COMPLETE THE ANALOGY, i HOPE YOU KNOW A LICENSED PHYSICIAN,
TG: i am your general fucking practitioner and doctors orders are to shut up and burn down my goddamn office
TG: ill break your brittle ass like a graham cracker and well roast smores over the flaming debris have i made myself clear
AT: cERTAIN FEATURES OF YOUR PALE ANATOMY MAY SERVE AS THE MARSH MALLOW INGREDIENT, nEEDED FOR THE MOLTEN SNACK,
AT: i WILL PROVIDE THE FUDGE, }:D
TG: so aradia just so were clear
TG: this is like a hellbubble right
TG: its my eternal punishment to have shitty rapoffs with this tool forever is that it
TG: i guess i had it coming for a flagrant lifetime spent being unbelievably fucking incredible at rap and just about practically everything else
AA: you may think so but then again you have not faced team charge in a match of slam poetry have you
AA: just kidding im no good at slam poetry haha sorry
TG: what about you
TG: you dont look dead
TG: are you dreaming
AA: no i am wide awake
AA: and i physically stand before you in person!
TG: so
TG: youre not dead
AA: oh no
AA: i am very much alive
AA: and i intend to stay that way :)
NEXT CHAPTER: Resolution.
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