Let's Play The Ur-Quan Masters
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Chapter 3: Smells Like Sidequests
Part 2: Of Aliens and Larger Aliens
January 30, 2156
So we're on a quest to find a huge, beautiful monster for our creepy mouth-breathing VUX friend.
As it happens, the "long thin creature that has swallowed the huge beast" constellation is the Lyncis cluster, right next to where my cursor is. Unfortunately, there are two yellow stars there, so I'll have to check over both of them. To QuasiSpace!
In the end, I only had to search two planets to find it. It's fast and sturdy, but my lander is protected from alien lifeforms, so it's scarcely more dangerous than anything else I've found.
...get it into the magnetic restraints before it started thrashing around again.
Even as I make this report, that damn monster is shrieking like a steam engine and trying to tear its way free.
I hope we know what we are doing, bringing that thing aboard. If it gets free inside the shp, Captain, well... I just don't want to think about it.
Returning to ship.
---- END OF REPORT ----
As long as I've come all the way out here, I might as well do some harvesting. I clear out Gamma Lyncis (crap) and Beta Lyncis (also crap) and then head back to Alpha Cerenkov.
ZEX
Captain, it is good to see you again. You Humans are so interesting, so.. beautiful. You know, I have many pictures of your species! I keep them on my walls to... inspire me.
ZELNICK
Admiral ZEX, we have captured the hideous monster from Delta Lyncis. Let us make an exchange.
ZEX
Ah, a most excellent piece of news! My chiton rasps and moistens with excitement! I have been looking forward to this for so long! Hee! Hee! Hee!
My subordinates stand ready to receive the beast from your ship, Captain. Effect it's transfer and then... we shall give you the Maidens you desire.
ZELNICK
Ah, Admiral ZEX, aren't you forgetting something? The Shofixti Maidens?
ZEX
Oh yes, no problem. Even now my subordinates are bringing them up from the surface. So let's not waste time. Send that delightful beast over, immediately!
ZELNICK
Look, we believe in 1 for 1 trades. We will transfer the beast when we see the Maidens.
ZEX
Captain, Captain, we are both creatures of honor. If I say that the Shofixti Maidens are on their way up from the surface, then they are. You will have them shortly, accept my word... now please, Captain, the beast?
ZELNICK
Now see here, ZEX! Humans and BUX have had a pretty stormy relationship. Why should we trust you?
ZEX
Really, Captain! My honor is impugned! You have maligned me, and I am deeply hurt. I thought we had built some trust between us, different though we may be, but no, I perceive now the same bigotry and misunderstanding which brought out two species to war! This was our chance to cement the good relationship between Human and VUX. With my influence, the High Council could easily have been swayed to view the Human cause in a more favorable light.
ZELNICK
Okay, the beast is ALL yours! Bet be careful, it's a killer!
ZEX
Ah! My new child is on board. Such a big one, isn't he!? And so frisky!
I am delighted beyond words that you have given me the best, Captain, but I am afraid that there has been a slight change in our plans. Regrettable, but necessary. Oh, my beautiful, luscious human, I had thought that the hideous, violent monster you have given me would complete my collection of Ugliness, my Menagerie of Monsters... I was wrong! YOU, my human love, are the most vile, the most fierce and wretched! My collection could never be complete without you. I need you, Captain.
But alas, I fear you will not give your consent willingly. Am I right? Therefor, sub-commander DAX, terminate communications... warm up my modified Intruder. Engage the Precursor warp nullifier. Hee! Hee! Hee! Prepare for battle!
ZEX
The transmit mode is locked!
What do you mean the central system computer is damaged? How!?
...the Beast!? Escaped!! No, Sub-Commander, this is impossible. It couldn't escape from our strongest containment system...
...IT'S WHAT?!! Decks five and six?! Eleven Crewmen!! Sound the alarms, you fool! Where is it now?! Engineering report! ...Engineering?!
Sub-Commander, seal Bulkhe-- Sub-Commander, are you listening to me? What are you staring at? PAY ATTENTION, Sub-Commander! Give me a report on its posit-- WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!
behind me?
WH- Wh- what- wh- AIEEEEE!!!!!...
And so ends Admiral ZEX. Now it's simply a matter of dropping to the surface and picking up the Shofixti Maidens we presumedly desire.
And with no further ado, let's devote these ladies to a noble cause!
History Lesson
The Shofixti were a race of the Alliance of Free Stars during the first war. When they were being attacked by the Hierarchy, they made their own sun go supernova, obliterating a third of the Ur-Quan fleet and sacrificing their own species in the prospect. They are now an EXTREMELY endangered species, with the Shofixti Maidens on board our ship being the only ones known to exist.
However, in Delta Gorno...
Oh, look! It's a Shofixti Scout!
TANAKA
Though most of my sensory instruments are malfunctioning, my mass indicator shows the huge size of your vessel, revealing you are none other than a disgusting Ur-Quan slimewad! I am the glorious Shofixti warrior Tanaka. You killed my father... my mother... my many brothers... all six of my sisters... in fact, my entire species. Prepare to die!
((Getting the Shofixti to believe that you're not an Ur-Quan is a bit of a trick. You have to speak to them in a way they understand.))
ZELNICK
No one insults us like that, you toothless, piebald, impotent roof-rabbit!
TANAKA
You limp, bloodless sack of decaying flesh Ur-Quan! You die! Kyaiee!
The Shofixty scout is not a formidable vessel in pure combat. However, it possesses an immensely powerful self-destruct system, which Tanaka will not hesitate to use, should you come in range.
We, however, do not wish to kill Tanaka. Thus, we run away, and talk to him again.
TANAKA
You were most fortunate last time, you hideous, puchless freak! But this time I shall surely destroy your vessel, you silthering eater of putrid hairballs!
ZELNICK
Those are mighty words from a dripping, snout-rotted little furball!
TANAKA
I will hang your withered reproductive organs from my posterior monitor! Kyaiee!
And so the battle begins anew. Once again, we run away and talk to him again.
TANAKA
I see you're back for even more humiliation, you fatulent, Ur-Quan pus-cup.
ZELNICK
Look, donkey breath - one more insult and it's vapor city for you!
TANAKA
Why you wallowing, phlegm-filled Dgrunti belly-licker, you... hey... Ur-Quans never insulted me before! Who did you say you were?
ZELNICK
I am Captain Zelnick from The New Alliance of Free Stars aboard the flagship Vindicator. Cease aggression immediately!
TANAKA
Oh. I am sorriest; I must be reprimanded. When we report back to Star Control...
...suddenly, your words ring in my ears. Captain, is this true? Have the Ur-Quan been destroyed? Has the ultimate sacrifice of my people resulted in freedom for the Alliance?
ZELNICK
Well, yes AND no... mostly no.
TANAKA
HYAIEEE! I am a defeated warrior! A worthless shell! I must die!!!!
ZELNICK
No, wait, Shofixti! I have an important duty for you to perform.
TANAKA
What might that be?
ZELNICK
What would you think about procreating wildly?
TANAKA
I am in trigued, Captain, but what are you talking about?
ZELNICK
We can make available a bevy of fecund Shofixti nubiles.
TANAKA
Great leaping mounds of happiness! You shall be honored forever, Captain, as the savior of the Shofixti race! I have been granted the ultimate reward, er... duty.
This humble warrior will take the Shofixty maidens you possess, gently wake them, and then perform ribald feats of unsurprassed fertility! With their consent, of course. Our people shall be reborn! Your name shall be recorded in our most sacred writings for all time! Thank you, Captain, and farewell... I have urgent business to attend to.
All right, now we just need to give the Shofixti time to reproduce for a while. Gonna wrap up this session with a return to Earth to continue the upgrading process and see what the Galaxy has been up to.
Scientist report on new artifact:
SUBJECT: HyperWave Broadcaster - Umgah Design
DATA: This unit is capable of generating extremely intense HyperWave transmissions, though it is otherwise similar to our own 'Casters.
SUMMARY: This thing would be great for practical jokes. You could screem 'Boo!' from an Oort Cloud, and scare the pants, or whatever, off everyone in the system. If you used it in HyperSpace, there's no telling who might hear you and come running.
Fuel and high-end modules are really expensive. Only change to the ship today is a single Shiva Furnace. Much more and we'll have to start stripping out the cargo bays.
NEXT TIME: Those damn probes.
<< | ^^ | >>
Chapter 3: Smells Like Sidequests
Part 2: Of Aliens and Larger Aliens
January 30, 2156
So we're on a quest to find a huge, beautiful monster for our creepy mouth-breathing VUX friend.
As it happens, the "long thin creature that has swallowed the huge beast" constellation is the Lyncis cluster, right next to where my cursor is. Unfortunately, there are two yellow stars there, so I'll have to check over both of them. To QuasiSpace!
In the end, I only had to search two planets to find it. It's fast and sturdy, but my lander is protected from alien lifeforms, so it's scarcely more dangerous than anything else I've found.
...get it into the magnetic restraints before it started thrashing around again.
Even as I make this report, that damn monster is shrieking like a steam engine and trying to tear its way free.
I hope we know what we are doing, bringing that thing aboard. If it gets free inside the shp, Captain, well... I just don't want to think about it.
Returning to ship.
---- END OF REPORT ----
As long as I've come all the way out here, I might as well do some harvesting. I clear out Gamma Lyncis (crap) and Beta Lyncis (also crap) and then head back to Alpha Cerenkov.
ZEX
Captain, it is good to see you again. You Humans are so interesting, so.. beautiful. You know, I have many pictures of your species! I keep them on my walls to... inspire me.
ZELNICK
Admiral ZEX, we have captured the hideous monster from Delta Lyncis. Let us make an exchange.
ZEX
Ah, a most excellent piece of news! My chiton rasps and moistens with excitement! I have been looking forward to this for so long! Hee! Hee! Hee!
My subordinates stand ready to receive the beast from your ship, Captain. Effect it's transfer and then... we shall give you the Maidens you desire.
ZELNICK
Ah, Admiral ZEX, aren't you forgetting something? The Shofixti Maidens?
ZEX
Oh yes, no problem. Even now my subordinates are bringing them up from the surface. So let's not waste time. Send that delightful beast over, immediately!
ZELNICK
Look, we believe in 1 for 1 trades. We will transfer the beast when we see the Maidens.
ZEX
Captain, Captain, we are both creatures of honor. If I say that the Shofixti Maidens are on their way up from the surface, then they are. You will have them shortly, accept my word... now please, Captain, the beast?
ZELNICK
Now see here, ZEX! Humans and BUX have had a pretty stormy relationship. Why should we trust you?
ZEX
Really, Captain! My honor is impugned! You have maligned me, and I am deeply hurt. I thought we had built some trust between us, different though we may be, but no, I perceive now the same bigotry and misunderstanding which brought out two species to war! This was our chance to cement the good relationship between Human and VUX. With my influence, the High Council could easily have been swayed to view the Human cause in a more favorable light.
ZELNICK
Okay, the beast is ALL yours! Bet be careful, it's a killer!
ZEX
Ah! My new child is on board. Such a big one, isn't he!? And so frisky!
I am delighted beyond words that you have given me the best, Captain, but I am afraid that there has been a slight change in our plans. Regrettable, but necessary. Oh, my beautiful, luscious human, I had thought that the hideous, violent monster you have given me would complete my collection of Ugliness, my Menagerie of Monsters... I was wrong! YOU, my human love, are the most vile, the most fierce and wretched! My collection could never be complete without you. I need you, Captain.
But alas, I fear you will not give your consent willingly. Am I right? Therefor, sub-commander DAX, terminate communications... warm up my modified Intruder. Engage the Precursor warp nullifier. Hee! Hee! Hee! Prepare for battle!
ZEX
The transmit mode is locked!
What do you mean the central system computer is damaged? How!?
...the Beast!? Escaped!! No, Sub-Commander, this is impossible. It couldn't escape from our strongest containment system...
...IT'S WHAT?!! Decks five and six?! Eleven Crewmen!! Sound the alarms, you fool! Where is it now?! Engineering report! ...Engineering?!
Sub-Commander, seal Bulkhe-- Sub-Commander, are you listening to me? What are you staring at? PAY ATTENTION, Sub-Commander! Give me a report on its posit-- WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT!
behind me?
WH- Wh- what- wh- AIEEEEE!!!!!...
And so ends Admiral ZEX. Now it's simply a matter of dropping to the surface and picking up the Shofixti Maidens we presumedly desire.
And with no further ado, let's devote these ladies to a noble cause!
History Lesson
The Shofixti were a race of the Alliance of Free Stars during the first war. When they were being attacked by the Hierarchy, they made their own sun go supernova, obliterating a third of the Ur-Quan fleet and sacrificing their own species in the prospect. They are now an EXTREMELY endangered species, with the Shofixti Maidens on board our ship being the only ones known to exist.
However, in Delta Gorno...
Oh, look! It's a Shofixti Scout!
TANAKA
Though most of my sensory instruments are malfunctioning, my mass indicator shows the huge size of your vessel, revealing you are none other than a disgusting Ur-Quan slimewad! I am the glorious Shofixti warrior Tanaka. You killed my father... my mother... my many brothers... all six of my sisters... in fact, my entire species. Prepare to die!
((Getting the Shofixti to believe that you're not an Ur-Quan is a bit of a trick. You have to speak to them in a way they understand.))
ZELNICK
No one insults us like that, you toothless, piebald, impotent roof-rabbit!
TANAKA
You limp, bloodless sack of decaying flesh Ur-Quan! You die! Kyaiee!
The Shofixty scout is not a formidable vessel in pure combat. However, it possesses an immensely powerful self-destruct system, which Tanaka will not hesitate to use, should you come in range.
We, however, do not wish to kill Tanaka. Thus, we run away, and talk to him again.
TANAKA
You were most fortunate last time, you hideous, puchless freak! But this time I shall surely destroy your vessel, you silthering eater of putrid hairballs!
ZELNICK
Those are mighty words from a dripping, snout-rotted little furball!
TANAKA
I will hang your withered reproductive organs from my posterior monitor! Kyaiee!
And so the battle begins anew. Once again, we run away and talk to him again.
TANAKA
I see you're back for even more humiliation, you fatulent, Ur-Quan pus-cup.
ZELNICK
Look, donkey breath - one more insult and it's vapor city for you!
TANAKA
Why you wallowing, phlegm-filled Dgrunti belly-licker, you... hey... Ur-Quans never insulted me before! Who did you say you were?
ZELNICK
I am Captain Zelnick from The New Alliance of Free Stars aboard the flagship Vindicator. Cease aggression immediately!
TANAKA
Oh. I am sorriest; I must be reprimanded. When we report back to Star Control...
...suddenly, your words ring in my ears. Captain, is this true? Have the Ur-Quan been destroyed? Has the ultimate sacrifice of my people resulted in freedom for the Alliance?
ZELNICK
Well, yes AND no... mostly no.
TANAKA
HYAIEEE! I am a defeated warrior! A worthless shell! I must die!!!!
ZELNICK
No, wait, Shofixti! I have an important duty for you to perform.
TANAKA
What might that be?
ZELNICK
What would you think about procreating wildly?
TANAKA
I am in trigued, Captain, but what are you talking about?
ZELNICK
We can make available a bevy of fecund Shofixti nubiles.
TANAKA
Great leaping mounds of happiness! You shall be honored forever, Captain, as the savior of the Shofixti race! I have been granted the ultimate reward, er... duty.
This humble warrior will take the Shofixty maidens you possess, gently wake them, and then perform ribald feats of unsurprassed fertility! With their consent, of course. Our people shall be reborn! Your name shall be recorded in our most sacred writings for all time! Thank you, Captain, and farewell... I have urgent business to attend to.
All right, now we just need to give the Shofixti time to reproduce for a while. Gonna wrap up this session with a return to Earth to continue the upgrading process and see what the Galaxy has been up to.
Scientist report on new artifact:
SUBJECT: HyperWave Broadcaster - Umgah Design
DATA: This unit is capable of generating extremely intense HyperWave transmissions, though it is otherwise similar to our own 'Casters.
SUMMARY: This thing would be great for practical jokes. You could screem 'Boo!' from an Oort Cloud, and scare the pants, or whatever, off everyone in the system. If you used it in HyperSpace, there's no telling who might hear you and come running.
Fuel and high-end modules are really expensive. Only change to the ship today is a single Shiva Furnace. Much more and we'll have to start stripping out the cargo bays.
NEXT TIME: Those damn probes.
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