Let's Play Homestuck
Act 5 Act 2: He Is Already Here.
Part 28: Journey to the Green Sun
Link back to comic: Page 3874
Human session, between the Battlefield and Derse
The Courtyard Droll pickpockets the Wayward Vagabond, stealing the Wallet and the Tumor along with it.
Captain Liv Tyler is furious.
A wacky chase ensues.
Before the Droll can escape, Tyler pickpockets the Wallet again...
...then puts it back, after securing the Tumor.
The Droll escapes, still believing he has it with him.
When he contacts the Slayer, his report is sort of meandery, and confused, and dumb.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS POINTLESS CRAP.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL THE GIRL.
Jack deals with this distraction himself.
The battleship falls through a Skaian defense portal, but Tyler escapes with the Tumor.
The Wayward Vagabond is transported to the Earth of year 2422, where he will go on to have the rest of his adventures throughout the past five acts.
Human session, Earth
TG: heres one for you
TG: its a whopper
TG: are you ready
TT: You mean a canard of behemothic embellishment?
TT: Or was your resolve finally dismantled by the siren's song of all that flame broiled beef?
TG: ok first do you even have burger kings out in the fucking woods
TG: why do you reference things that obviously arent in the woods like terrible burgers
TT: I'll limit my establishments of reference to lumber mills and sugar shanties from now on.
TG: ok whatever
TG: im talking about a dream i just had
TG: i mean it was a doozy like psychologically speaking
TG: it was absurdly heavy handed my subconscious was really slathering it on
TG: like whatever tangy sludge the king himself squirts on his bargain patties
TG: i figured youd be interested in hearing about it its every bit as thick and juicy as a half pound of sizzling grade A premium ok this is stupid weve got to get burgers out of this conversation
TG: are you busy
TT: Yes.
TG: cool listen to this
TG: its grotesquely pregnant with meaning
TG: all gestating at least 8 gooey octuplets thrashing around in an undulating belly full of mind slime
TT: Maybe we can start by evaluating that troubling metaphor.
TG: no look
TG: i just want your professional take on how many things in my dream symbolize dicks
TT: We've already established that all of your dreams are packed with enough homoerotic symbolism to lift Freudian theory from the ashes of discreditation.
TG: yeah thats a given but i didnt even dream about puppets this time
TT: Are you serious?
TT: I'm clearing my schedule. This is a major breakthrough.
TG: it was so much more relaxing and enjoyable
TG: it was about me dying repeatedly
TT: Go on.
TG: i was in this dark place surrounded by this big flock of crows
TG: god this is so generically morbid
TG: im sorry in advance for exposing you to my unconscious minds retarded cliches
TT: They wouldn't be cliches if they didn't comprise the unanimously understood bedrock of phallic symbolism, with no other viable interpretation.
TG: well obviously i knew the birds were just black screaming sky dongs just hear me out
TG: i kept dying
TG: there kept being these traps like i would go one way and get my head chopped off
TG: and every time i died the dream reset itself and i was standing there alive and ready to try to escape again
TG: but each time i would be watching myself from the vantage point of a different crow
TT: Well, if I've learned anything from my extensive skimming over the Wikipedia articles on dream analysis,
TT: It's that this dream is very unlikely to have any literal significance whatsoever.
TG: you mean maybe its about anxiety over maintaining my blogs
TG: or that my beats might not be ill enough
TT: Yes. In fact, if you were on my couch that would have been my next question, as a licensed professional.
TT: "Mr. Strider, have you considered that what you actually dread is to have your urban rhythms exposed for what they truly are, which is, clinically speaking, just shy of 'da bomb'?"
TG: and then we crack up laughing cause we both know theyre fresher than your moms change of drawers and tighter than when shes wearin them
TT: Listening to you conjure imagery of my mother in her underpants is definitely keeping us buoyed high above this swirling Freudian hellhole.
TG: please its not like shes my mom i can visualize her choice ass all i want without it gettin much more than moderately uncomfortable for everyone involved
TT: What if you're wrong?
TG: this isnt the first time youve insinuated were related what is up with that
TG: i feel like youve brought it up before which is kind of weird but now i dont know
TG: i think im getting this weird deja vu thing where i was sure we talked about this
TT: Why don't you tell me more about your dream?
TG: ok
TG: so i kept dying and kept being crows and stuff
TG: and then i started to notice something coming from the sky
TG: it was this faint eerie singing and i look up and theres nothing there just darkness
TT: Certain texts say singing from the unknowable void carries a message.
TT: That its recipient has been selected for a mission of supreme cosmic importance, that will result in your death and that of billions more.
TG: what the fuck sort of crackpot psychology text would say something like that
TT: Keep describing the dream.
TT: If the rest of it is incompatible with prognoses of the zoologically dubious, I will withdraw my insinuation.
TG: theres not even much more to it
TG: i looked up into the sky
TG: didnt see anyone singing
TG: not in the sense that it was a dark sacrificial zoology mission
TG: it was more like somewhere to go besides watching myself die a lot from the vantage of a feathery murder of dumb shitty birds
TT: So, if hypothetically you were to accept such a mission, or even insist upon one, it wouldn't be in the spirit of genuine sacrifice, but of escape?
TG: what the fuck are you talking about
TG: ok somethings wrong
TG: this whole conversation is falling apart this isnt how it originally went at all
TG: this happened months ago
TG: does this mean im dead
TT: What do you think?
TG: this is so sick you using the dream bubble bullshit to pick apart my psyche
TG: am i dead or asleep
TT: Maybe I'm just as confused as you about it?
TT: Am I dead or asleep, Dave?
TT: Try to remember.
TG: i remember waking up here
TG: after getting shot
TG: we were talking about who should go
TT: Do you remember what we decided?
TG: wasnt i going to go
TG: is that what happened did i go and now im dead
TT: Not quite.
TT: Do you remember anything else?
TT: What about why you went to fight Jack?
TG: because i wanted to
TG: and because i was supposed to
TG: i saw my future self fighting him so obviously that had to happen or else id be dead anyway
TG: havent we had this conversation already
TT: I'm doing what I can to jog your memory.
TG: its jogging i guess
TG: its manboobs are jiggling a little
TT: So what about Jade?
TT: You didn't tell her your expedition with her would result in your death, let alone one she'd inadvertently cause.
TT: Or that she'd be stuck with the job of resuscitating you. Did you?
TG: what am i really supposed to say
TG: hey were gonna hunt frogs til you shoot me through the jack
TG: then i die and youve got to make out with me
TT: I guess you're right. No reason to make an effort to empathize if doing so comes at the price of oblivion.
TT: It must be comforting to have your ASPD tacitly supported by predestination.
TG: oh no
TG: this conversation just got bumrushed by a mudslide of fucking awful
TG: you dont know anything
TG: about what i was feeling or what happened on lofaf
TG: you were all pavement faced and babbling your throefester speak and flipping off the shit with your own crazy deathwish thing why do you think you know what was going through my head
TG: youre just assuming and throwing around psyche buzzwords like aspd complex disorder
TT: So it's a disorder, a complex, and then a disorder again for good measure?
TT: Sounds like a positively delirious state of existence.
TT: I guess I'm learning to be impressed by your sense of obligation to inevitable misfortune. It's a strange case of inspiration through futility.
TG: none of this is that big a deal
TG: i just mentioned the basics to her
TG: that id stop time traveling soon
TG: not have to wonder all the time if i was taking a wrong turn and dooming everybody
TG: i was never that cool with this
TG: you know how you turned out to be this incredibly shitty seer of light and basically failed at that in every way imaginable
TT: Hey!
TG: well maybe i never wanted to be a knight of time
TG: maybe id rather just be like
TG: the dave of guy
TT: These really do not sound like the words of someone ready to face his own death.
TG: guess i failed my quest then
TT: Then why did you insist on going on the mission to deliver The Tumor?
TT: Black-and-whitened for giant yin-yang bomb.
TG: then i guess thats what happened
TG: i delivered the bomb and now i must be dead
TT: Maybe you should try to answer the question. Why did you want to go?
TG: ok if you remember it all so clearly why are you grilling me on this shit
TG: will you just tell me whats going on
TT: I'm just seeing if you can remember. And if you're sticking to your story, about why you should be the one to go.
TG: because i should
TG: man what the fuck is going on
TG: am i dead or are you dead or what
TT: What happened after we decided you'd go?
TG: oh yeah
TG: we were trying to figure out a way to detach the moon
TG: but the chain was huge
TG: couldnt think of how to break it
TG: then out of nowhere this sword appears in the thing
TG: so im thinking obviously i have to break the sword somehow
TG: because thats all i fucking do is break swords
TG: but as im thinking of how to do it i put my hand on it
TG: and it just snaps off with this comical shattering noise
TG: like i just fucked up some priceless shit in the louvre
TG: then i took it and sliced the chain
TG: like this
TG: the moon started drifting away
TG: and i was going to fly up
TG: and take it to the sun
TG: and i said something to you
TG: or i was going to
TG: like say bye or something
TG: but you were just standing there not saying anything
TG: holding that ball of yarn
TG: and then
TG: oh
TG: god thats right
TG: knocking me out so you can steal the suicide mission
TG: god dammit
TT: I really am sorry for that.
TG: were are basically bruce willis and ben affleck from johns shitty crappy movie
TG: you made this even more armageddon than it already was
TG: sealing me in the air lock so i can go home to liv tyler and have the most terrible babies with her
TT: If it's any consolation, Liv Tyler came with me on the suicide mission.
TG: the bunny or the actress
TT: Which would make you feel better?
TG: you not knocking me out with a ball of fucking yarn is fucking what
TT: If I could have chosen a method of sparing your life you might have found more awesome, I would.
TT: Does it matter if I took some personal satisfaction seeing you fall unconscious at the gentle glance of a soft cotton globe?
TG: its cool you are so tickled by this i hope it brought you a lot of rad laughs on your way to go fucking explode
TG: so thats it
TG: im actually lying here on derse asleep
TG: and you went out there and blew up the sun
TT: Not yet.
TG: then youre dreaming
TG: what youre taking a little nap on the moon in the middle of nowhere
TT: I am wide awake.
TT: I am piloting the moon through the Furthest Ring right now.
TT: At the moment, it's passing through a dream bubble. I am visiting your dream in person.
TG: so all those questions you asked me
TG: getting me to remember
TG: you were just stalling me werent you
TG: could you just please turn the thing around and come back
TT: I'm already out here. Might as well go through with it.
TG: we agreed id do it though
TG: or at least you pretended to agree
TG: just before going into a major league wind up with your nap yarn
TT: It's always been pretty sad that I seem to know more about sports than you. Which is really saying something.
TG: i just think you should know
TG: that in the athletic arena of competitive achievement
TG: its a widely known fact that cherry picking posers get showered in nothin but boos
TG: you dont gank the rock and steal the big mans thunder on his raucus drive to the hole
TG: see you didnt consider sports you never consider the sports
TT: The last thing I want to do is come between a big man's thunder and any particular hole he might prize.
TG: and yet
TG: such has been whats happened
TG: and the quarterback sniped the fieldgoal just before the nfl buzzer went off
TG: but instead of winning the gold sports prize you just fucking die and nobody cares and it didnt mean anything
TT: Are we pursuing the hackneyed debate over who has the best claim to self sacrifice,
TT: Or seeing who can out-dumbass the other with obtuse sports lingo?
TG: there obviously stopped being a difference between those things the question is offensive
TT: I guess I could wake back you up, if you really want.
TT: But you have to promise to stay put.
TG: but this was my mission
TG: why would they drag me into it just to have me make a map and then let you ditch me
TT: Yes, they helped you chart a path through the Ring. And they will open that path for a pilot they have marked.
TT: I believe I fit the description. I'm not sure about you.
TT: I am the pilot. That's all there is to say on the matter.
TG: but i dont want you to die
TT: Help John and Jade.
TG: so you admit you were stalling with all that bullshit
TT: I said not entirely.
TT: It's going to be a long ride through all this nothingness.
TT: Maybe I just thought some company would be nice.
TT: Could you give a message to John for me?
TG: sure
TG: but
TG: if im promising not to chase you down then theres not really any hurry to wake up
TT: Aw, are you sure?
TT: I was looking forward to bowling another wicked googly with the yarn.
TT: Sportsways.
TG: what did you want me to tell john
TT: What was that?
TT: I thought I heard something outside.
TG: whos this douche dag
TG: i mean bag
TT: You don't remember him?
TT: Then I guess this isn't a memory.
TG: so hes actually here with us on the moon
TT: Just me.
TT: You're still on Derse, remember?
