Let's Play Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden
Let's Play Barkley's Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden
Prologue: B-Ball
Thus does the game begin. The music for the main menu, it's worth mentioning, is the Space Jam theme song.
This should give you an idea of what you're getting into here.
The year is 2053. Basketball is dead.
In 2041, basketball was made illegal, and almost all b-ballers were massacred in what is now known as "The Great B-Ball Purge." I lived, but I lost my reason for living. B-ball was gone.
I live in the post-cyberapocalyptic ruins of Neo New York with my 12 year old son Hoopz. I've given him all I can, but sometimes I wonder if it's enough...
For the record, that opening speech was fully voiced.
Meet Hoopz! The official hero of Chapter 1 of the Hoopz Barkley Saga, although the main character of this game is actually Charles.
Oh god what is that sprite.
>
That's Balthios, the octoroon great grandson of Lebron James. He doesn't like to talk about himself, but he's a good guy.
Right dad? I've gotten better, huh dad?
Dad?
And now we see Hoopz's actual sprite! It would seem that he was imagining someone else in his place for a moment.
Nothing, Hoopz. I was just... Just thinking.
Thinking about b-ball, huh?
Yeah, that's it... I was thinking about b-ball... Hoopz, why don't you go play some vidcons? I want to speak to Mr. James for a moment.
Sure, dad. Thanks for the dribbling tips and wall scrolls, Mr. James.
No sweat, kid. Kepp on practicing, though.
Sure will!
Hmm?
Maureen. You were thinking about Maureen, weren't you?
He reminds me so much of her. The way he moves, his enthusiasm for the game, his eyes...
You still blame yourself for what happened.
Yeah, Balthios. Yeah I do. And it won't happen ever again. I... I just can't stand knowing that all of this... everything... could be different.
Barkley, you don't need to...
Yeah, Balthios... I know, but I swear on her grave that nobody will ever suffer a Chaos Dunk again...
Neo New York is a base and disgusting city...
Hand over the Neo-Shekels!
But I need them to buy food...!
Crime is everywhere. Wearniess and despair behind every corner.
Gimme 'em!
OOF!
Meanwhile, back in the Barkley Cave...
The cloaked octoroon, known only as "Ultimate Hellbane" has struck again, this time killing two men in the NNY Mall. Police reported signs of zauber use and Ultimate Hellbane is believed to have connections with the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
Crime everywhere... This city is going to hell. Hoopz, I don't want you going outside tonight.
Awww, dad.
I... I must take my leave now.
Bye, Mr. James.
...Goodbye, Hoopz.
But as Balthios leaves, someone else comes in!
Mr. Jordan...
Mr. James...
That's a nice way to greet a friend, Charles. Heh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I heard some... dribbling.
You have absolutely no grounds to come into this house, Michael. You know that.
Really, now? You were an all-star baller and I heard dribbling. I have every right to come in thanks to the B-Ball Confiscation Act. Or are you saying I don't have that right?
I'm saying you're a son of a bitch, Jordan.
Hahahaha! I'll play your game, Barkley. This time.
...
Oh, and Hoopz.
Yeah?
Keep practicing.
.....
Hoopz, I'm going out to get some medicine.
Okay, dad.
You okay, dad?
Yeah, Hoopz. I'm gonna be okay.
And so I finally have control of Barkley! While it looks a lot like an RPG Maker game, BSU&J:G actually switched from RPG Maker to Game Maker after the first demo, for the sake of flexibility.
I can dash with X, but it seems to deplete, uh... Nike Power, or something.
Welcome to the slums of Neo New York.
These, uh, pumps are the save points of the game. Every one of them gives a unique, quite lengthy speech about vidcons videogames, all of them extremely pretentious, and most of them lifted nearly word-for-word from a forum I used to frequent. I won't give all of these, but I'll transcribe this one so that you have an idea of what saving is like in BSU&J:G.
Ahhh, console video games (or vidcons as I call them), the ultimate medium of expression, able to convey any emotion ranging from hatred to love, loyalty to fear, all in front of our eyes. Ah, and with lovingly crafted art, music, and the ability to control the action, vidcons are the ultimate combination of the high arts. While I tend to play the stoic, I will be the first to admit that vidcons have driven me to cry, scream and shout, to feel actual hate; such is the power of this force beyond our wildest reckoning. And here I am, before you, to tempt your tongues with the taint of such a tantalizing topic. And the Japanese, the true geniuses behind the world of video games. Pah, I throw my scorn upon such incompetents of the West who would mock the true art of the Japanese with 'games' such as Baldur's Gate and Madden. Perhaps it is that the West is not as intelligent as the East, but this is a matter for another day. Japan has given us such masterpieces as the Final Fantasy series, Wild Arms, Star Ocean, and of course, Arc the Lad. Yes, some of the finest vidcons in the world were created by Japanese. I come to you today to ask you in all earnesty, what is your favorite vidcon? I will reveal mine after the grand debate has illustriously begun, but not before the first poster falls victim to my plot of discussion.
*cough*
So status screen!
Yeah, very bare-bones status screen. Time played, money, equip, items, of which I have none of the last two.
Anyway, let's get going.
TALK TO REALISTIC NPCS TO REVEAL A COMPLEX BACKSTORY
Because this is an RPG that functions heavily on silly RPG logic, I guess we get medicine at the church.
Yeah, Larry. That was a long time ago.
I don't know what to tell you, Charles. I'm sorry. I know it wasn't your fault.
I don't need your god damned pity, Larry, acting like you give a damn just 'cuz you're a priest now. You don't know shit about what happened and you got no business acting all buddy buddy just 'cuz we used to be friends. Shit's changed, Bird. This ain't the golden age of b-ball anymore. You more than anyone should know this.
You think I sold out, Barkley. You think I sold out because I'm not absolutely miserable like you.
You got no place to say that shit, Bird. You think it's fucking easy to raise a kid on my own? You think it's easy to be alone when I need Maureen now more than ever, Bird?
Charles, keep your voice down, this is a house of God!
You know damn well it was my fault, Larry. You know all this shit is my fault and you got no place to say otherwise. God dammit, man.
...Why'd you come here, Charles? You didn't come here for this.
I... I don't know, Larry. I just kind of wandered in here. Maybe I was thinking about her, I don't know.
She was a woman of Clispaeth, Charles.
Clispaeth? God? You think I can believe in that shit now? After all that's happened, you think I can just pray to Clispaeth and everything will be okay? Shit's changed too much...
I'm, uh... I'm gonna go now.
Barkley.
What?
...Don't do anything rash.
...Yeah, Larry. Yeah.
I guess I didn't get any medicine after all!
That tree ain't ever gonna be green again.
Kids going to the b-ball court ain't ever gonna happen.
And Chin's shop ain't ever gonna be like it used to, either.
Shit's never gonna be like it was...
During this whole monologue, Charles keeps flickering back and forth between old New York and Neo New York.
I'm starting to see things... I better get some medicine from Chin's shop, then get home and catch some Z's.
Yeah, yeah, I heard about that.
Yeah, he one tough customer I hear. Uses zaubers. Kinda makes you wonder how B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on such powerful weapons.
Yeah. Didn't he just kill those two guys at the mall?
Yeah, yeah, they say he out for more tonight. That why I always carry my Square-Enix-Goya gun, can't be safe around here no more. Top of the line too.
So why you here so late, Barkuri? What you want?
I'm not feeling so well. I need some medicine.
Aww, I all out of medicine, Barkuri, but I give you this ecto cooler. Make you feel better, huh?
Yeah, thanks a lot, Chin.
Yeah, yeah, no problem. Hey, and Barkuri.
Yeah?
Don't let that Ultimate Hellbane get you.
(Got 5 Ecto Cooler(s)!)
(Got 3 Steroid(s)!)
(Got 2 Tobacco(s)!)
Ecto coolers restore 2/3rds of HP VP, Steroids revive at half VP, Tobacco cures status ailments. What are we teaching these kids?
Anyway, let's head home.
Hoopz must already be in bed. Let's see what's on TV...
The "Ultimate Hellbane" has struck again, this time at the Eastern Motors car company, slaying three men once again with zaubers.
That's it, Hoopz and I are getting the hell out of here. This place has gotten too dangerous.
Ugh, I'm... I'm getting tired...
Zzzzzz...
...entire life... I'm... I'm sorry, folks, but I just wasn't prepared for this... Details are extremely limited right now, but the damage was believed to have been caused by a Chaos Dunk... Yes... Yes, it has just been confirmed that the destruction was caused by a Chaos Dunk, meaning that Charles Barkley IS the perpetrator, Barkley being the only human alive capable of performing a Chaos Dunk. It... It doesn't matter if you believe in Krishna, Muhammed, or Clispaeth, now is the time to pray, Neo New York...
TO BE CONTINUED
Prologue: B-Ball
Thus does the game begin. The music for the main menu, it's worth mentioning, is the Space Jam theme song.
This should give you an idea of what you're getting into here.
The year is 2053. Basketball is dead.
In 2041, basketball was made illegal, and almost all b-ballers were massacred in what is now known as "The Great B-Ball Purge." I lived, but I lost my reason for living. B-ball was gone.
I live in the post-cyberapocalyptic ruins of Neo New York with my 12 year old son Hoopz. I've given him all I can, but sometimes I wonder if it's enough...
For the record, that opening speech was fully voiced.
Meet Hoopz! The official hero of Chapter 1 of the Hoopz Barkley Saga, although the main character of this game is actually Charles.
Oh god what is that sprite.
>
That's Balthios, the octoroon great grandson of Lebron James. He doesn't like to talk about himself, but he's a good guy.
Right dad? I've gotten better, huh dad?
Dad?
And now we see Hoopz's actual sprite! It would seem that he was imagining someone else in his place for a moment.
Nothing, Hoopz. I was just... Just thinking.
Thinking about b-ball, huh?
Yeah, that's it... I was thinking about b-ball... Hoopz, why don't you go play some vidcons? I want to speak to Mr. James for a moment.
Sure, dad. Thanks for the dribbling tips and wall scrolls, Mr. James.
No sweat, kid. Kepp on practicing, though.
Sure will!
Hmm?
Maureen. You were thinking about Maureen, weren't you?
He reminds me so much of her. The way he moves, his enthusiasm for the game, his eyes...
You still blame yourself for what happened.
Yeah, Balthios. Yeah I do. And it won't happen ever again. I... I just can't stand knowing that all of this... everything... could be different.
Barkley, you don't need to...
Yeah, Balthios... I know, but I swear on her grave that nobody will ever suffer a Chaos Dunk again...
Neo New York is a base and disgusting city...
Hand over the Neo-Shekels!
But I need them to buy food...!
Crime is everywhere. Wearniess and despair behind every corner.
Gimme 'em!
OOF!
Meanwhile, back in the Barkley Cave...
The cloaked octoroon, known only as "Ultimate Hellbane" has struck again, this time killing two men in the NNY Mall. Police reported signs of zauber use and Ultimate Hellbane is believed to have connections with the terrorist organization B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
Crime everywhere... This city is going to hell. Hoopz, I don't want you going outside tonight.
Awww, dad.
I... I must take my leave now.
Bye, Mr. James.
...Goodbye, Hoopz.
But as Balthios leaves, someone else comes in!
Mr. Jordan...
Mr. James...
That's a nice way to greet a friend, Charles. Heh, I was just in the neighborhood and thought I heard some... dribbling.
You have absolutely no grounds to come into this house, Michael. You know that.
Really, now? You were an all-star baller and I heard dribbling. I have every right to come in thanks to the B-Ball Confiscation Act. Or are you saying I don't have that right?
I'm saying you're a son of a bitch, Jordan.
Hahahaha! I'll play your game, Barkley. This time.
...
Oh, and Hoopz.
Yeah?
Keep practicing.
.....
Hoopz, I'm going out to get some medicine.
Okay, dad.
You okay, dad?
Yeah, Hoopz. I'm gonna be okay.
And so I finally have control of Barkley! While it looks a lot like an RPG Maker game, BSU&J:G actually switched from RPG Maker to Game Maker after the first demo, for the sake of flexibility.
I can dash with X, but it seems to deplete, uh... Nike Power, or something.
Welcome to the slums of Neo New York.
These, uh, pumps are the save points of the game. Every one of them gives a unique, quite lengthy speech about vidcons videogames, all of them extremely pretentious, and most of them lifted nearly word-for-word from a forum I used to frequent. I won't give all of these, but I'll transcribe this one so that you have an idea of what saving is like in BSU&J:G.
Ahhh, console video games (or vidcons as I call them), the ultimate medium of expression, able to convey any emotion ranging from hatred to love, loyalty to fear, all in front of our eyes. Ah, and with lovingly crafted art, music, and the ability to control the action, vidcons are the ultimate combination of the high arts. While I tend to play the stoic, I will be the first to admit that vidcons have driven me to cry, scream and shout, to feel actual hate; such is the power of this force beyond our wildest reckoning. And here I am, before you, to tempt your tongues with the taint of such a tantalizing topic. And the Japanese, the true geniuses behind the world of video games. Pah, I throw my scorn upon such incompetents of the West who would mock the true art of the Japanese with 'games' such as Baldur's Gate and Madden. Perhaps it is that the West is not as intelligent as the East, but this is a matter for another day. Japan has given us such masterpieces as the Final Fantasy series, Wild Arms, Star Ocean, and of course, Arc the Lad. Yes, some of the finest vidcons in the world were created by Japanese. I come to you today to ask you in all earnesty, what is your favorite vidcon? I will reveal mine after the grand debate has illustriously begun, but not before the first poster falls victim to my plot of discussion.
*cough*
So status screen!
Yeah, very bare-bones status screen. Time played, money, equip, items, of which I have none of the last two.
Anyway, let's get going.
TALK TO REALISTIC NPCS TO REVEAL A COMPLEX BACKSTORY
Because this is an RPG that functions heavily on silly RPG logic, I guess we get medicine at the church.
Yeah, Larry. That was a long time ago.
I don't know what to tell you, Charles. I'm sorry. I know it wasn't your fault.
I don't need your god damned pity, Larry, acting like you give a damn just 'cuz you're a priest now. You don't know shit about what happened and you got no business acting all buddy buddy just 'cuz we used to be friends. Shit's changed, Bird. This ain't the golden age of b-ball anymore. You more than anyone should know this.
You think I sold out, Barkley. You think I sold out because I'm not absolutely miserable like you.
You got no place to say that shit, Bird. You think it's fucking easy to raise a kid on my own? You think it's easy to be alone when I need Maureen now more than ever, Bird?
Charles, keep your voice down, this is a house of God!
You know damn well it was my fault, Larry. You know all this shit is my fault and you got no place to say otherwise. God dammit, man.
...Why'd you come here, Charles? You didn't come here for this.
I... I don't know, Larry. I just kind of wandered in here. Maybe I was thinking about her, I don't know.
She was a woman of Clispaeth, Charles.
Clispaeth? God? You think I can believe in that shit now? After all that's happened, you think I can just pray to Clispaeth and everything will be okay? Shit's changed too much...
I'm, uh... I'm gonna go now.
Barkley.
What?
...Don't do anything rash.
...Yeah, Larry. Yeah.
I guess I didn't get any medicine after all!
That tree ain't ever gonna be green again.
Kids going to the b-ball court ain't ever gonna happen.
And Chin's shop ain't ever gonna be like it used to, either.
Shit's never gonna be like it was...
During this whole monologue, Charles keeps flickering back and forth between old New York and Neo New York.
I'm starting to see things... I better get some medicine from Chin's shop, then get home and catch some Z's.
Yeah, yeah, I heard about that.
Yeah, he one tough customer I hear. Uses zaubers. Kinda makes you wonder how B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. got their hands on such powerful weapons.
Yeah. Didn't he just kill those two guys at the mall?
Yeah, yeah, they say he out for more tonight. That why I always carry my Square-Enix-Goya gun, can't be safe around here no more. Top of the line too.
So why you here so late, Barkuri? What you want?
I'm not feeling so well. I need some medicine.
Aww, I all out of medicine, Barkuri, but I give you this ecto cooler. Make you feel better, huh?
Yeah, thanks a lot, Chin.
Yeah, yeah, no problem. Hey, and Barkuri.
Yeah?
Don't let that Ultimate Hellbane get you.
(Got 5 Ecto Cooler(s)!)
(Got 3 Steroid(s)!)
(Got 2 Tobacco(s)!)
Ecto coolers restore 2/3rds of HP VP, Steroids revive at half VP, Tobacco cures status ailments. What are we teaching these kids?
Anyway, let's head home.
Hoopz must already be in bed. Let's see what's on TV...
The "Ultimate Hellbane" has struck again, this time at the Eastern Motors car company, slaying three men once again with zaubers.
That's it, Hoopz and I are getting the hell out of here. This place has gotten too dangerous.
Ugh, I'm... I'm getting tired...
Zzzzzz...
...entire life... I'm... I'm sorry, folks, but I just wasn't prepared for this... Details are extremely limited right now, but the damage was believed to have been caused by a Chaos Dunk... Yes... Yes, it has just been confirmed that the destruction was caused by a Chaos Dunk, meaning that Charles Barkley IS the perpetrator, Barkley being the only human alive capable of performing a Chaos Dunk. It... It doesn't matter if you believe in Krishna, Muhammed, or Clispaeth, now is the time to pray, Neo New York...
TO BE CONTINUED