Let's Play Barkley Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden
Let's Play Barkley's Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden
Chapter 1: Hellbane
When we last left our intrepid hero Charles Barkley, we had just discovered that a CHAOS DUNK had killed millions in Neo New York, and Barkley is the only suspect!
...will be forced to terminate you.
Wh-what? What's going on? Jordan, why are you here? Where's Hoopz? What's happening?
You are under arrest for performing a Chaos Dunk! Surrender yourself or face the consequences!
Wh-what? I didn't do a Chaos Dunk! Jordan, you know damn well I swore never to perform another Chaos Dunk 12 years ago!
12 years is a long enough time to change your mind. Men, arrest him!
I-I didn't do it, Jordan! This is a mistake! I don't know anything about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
You're a sick, sick little man, Barkley. I gave you time to get over Maureen and b-ball, but I guess that just wasn't enough. I mean... you've got a kid, Barkley. I thought you'd grown up... Execute this bastard.
You son of a bitch, Jordan!
In case this game wasn't canon enough, we follow this up with an EXTREME SEQUENCE OF QUICK-TIME EVENTS.
More extreme dodging and fighting of mans through cinematic action continues out on the street!
Give yourself up, Barkley!
No way in hell!
Our battle is briefly interrupted by some kid running up to one of the soldiers, then running away!
Huh? That damn kid stole my vintage Goya Cannon Mk II! After him!
Escape!
Barkley, this is your last chance to surrender and tell us everything you know about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Think of your son...
Hoopz... you wouldn't dare hurt him, Jordan! You god damned coward, you wouldn't dare hurt him!
Surrender... and it won't come to that.
Okay... Okay... I'll give myse-
??? Don't do it, Charles!
EXCITING DYNAMIC VISUAL EFFECTS
??? Barkley, this way!
Dynamic escape!
??? I... I do not think I can fully explain what is happening. There is someone I'd like you to meet, someone who can make some sense of this to you.
No! You're gonna tell me what the hell is happening right now or I'm gonna... I... I'm gonna do something I'll regret.
??? I will tell you this much, Barkley. No matter what happens, I am on your side.
That doesn't mean anything to me! I have no idea who you are! For all I know, you could be the Ultimate Hellbane!
What!? What the hell!? What the hell is going on! I don't know nothin' about no B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. and I sure as hell don't want nothing to do with it! What the hell is this?
Barkley, the men I killed... I... I am not a murderer. They were agents of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. I'm not a terrorist and I'm not one of the bad guys... I'm here to help you because... Because I know you're innocent and I believe the same people that wronged me so long ago are the ones that are trying to hurt you.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm supposed to belive you now just 'cause you think I'm innocent? Hell no, you're a murderer and I don't want nothing to do with this shit!
Charles, please! You... you need to believe me. Just before Jordan came for you I... I took Hoopz somewhere safe. Somewhere Jordan and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. can't get him.
Hoopz is... safe?
He's at the church, Barkley, with Bird. They can't get him there.
I'll... I'll listen.
I'm here to help you, Barkley. I can't tell you who I am right now, but I know that you didn't do it. I know you've got to be a little confused and there are a lot of questions you want answered... There's someone I think you should meet that can help you, Barkley. You've made enemies tonight and you're going to need all the help you can get. Please, Barkley... Please believe me.
I... I don't understand what's going on at all, but if... you can help me... I'll take any help I can get.
We're going to need to move fast. There's no doubt in my mind that both Jordan and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. are looking for us. We'll need to make haste.
Wait! Where the hell are we?
These are the B-Ball Catacombs, the final resting place of some of history's greatest ballers. It's... It's an ancient site but it's been used up until-
The... Purge...
We... should make haste.
Yes, let's get going.
One more thing... I have some Battler's Tomes you might want to read before venturing forward. You can check them in your item pouch.
OKAY done with! Ultimate Hellbane has joined the party.
First, we save. Then, we read some TOMES.
Whoo. Let's get going.
Oh, no, it's a monster of some sort!
ENTER OUR FIRST BATTLE
Hellbane is faster than Barkley, so he acts first, with five available commands: Blitz, Zauber, Counter, Item, Escape. Blitz is basic attack, so I'll start there.
Blitz has three possible attacks - Zauber Slash (works well on enemies with low Brain, mash Z to increase damage while charging), Stab Dash (works well on enemies with low Guard, press X when symbol turns red), and Zeta Flash (hits all enemies, no damage but pushes turns back). I'll go with Zauber Slash this time.
ZAUBER'D for a good 70 damage! On to Barkley. His action set is the same, except that Blitz, Zauber, and Counter are replaced with Shots, Slam/Jam, and Guard. I'll make a shot.
Barkley's got five Shots! They are Free Throw (hits twice, low accuracy, line up the indicator for more accuracy), Pass (high damage, low accuracy, line up the indicator for more damage), Forward Jumper (high damage, reduces Guard, hold and release at height of jump), Jumper (medium damage), and Fadeaway Jumper (low damage, guard bonus to self). I'll go with the Free Throw this turn.
EVERYBODY GET UP IT'S TIME TO SLAM NOW
EVERYBODY GET UP IT'S TIME TO JAM
Anyway this enemy is an immense pansy, so we obliterate it.
And that's a solid intro to the battle system, so come back in Chapter 2 for the rest of the B-Ball Catacombs!
Chapter 1: Hellbane
When we last left our intrepid hero Charles Barkley, we had just discovered that a CHAOS DUNK had killed millions in Neo New York, and Barkley is the only suspect!
...will be forced to terminate you.
Wh-what? What's going on? Jordan, why are you here? Where's Hoopz? What's happening?
You are under arrest for performing a Chaos Dunk! Surrender yourself or face the consequences!
Wh-what? I didn't do a Chaos Dunk! Jordan, you know damn well I swore never to perform another Chaos Dunk 12 years ago!
12 years is a long enough time to change your mind. Men, arrest him!
I-I didn't do it, Jordan! This is a mistake! I don't know anything about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S.
You're a sick, sick little man, Barkley. I gave you time to get over Maureen and b-ball, but I guess that just wasn't enough. I mean... you've got a kid, Barkley. I thought you'd grown up... Execute this bastard.
You son of a bitch, Jordan!
In case this game wasn't canon enough, we follow this up with an EXTREME SEQUENCE OF QUICK-TIME EVENTS.
More extreme dodging and fighting of mans through cinematic action continues out on the street!
Give yourself up, Barkley!
No way in hell!
Our battle is briefly interrupted by some kid running up to one of the soldiers, then running away!
Huh? That damn kid stole my vintage Goya Cannon Mk II! After him!
Escape!
Barkley, this is your last chance to surrender and tell us everything you know about B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. Think of your son...
Hoopz... you wouldn't dare hurt him, Jordan! You god damned coward, you wouldn't dare hurt him!
Surrender... and it won't come to that.
Okay... Okay... I'll give myse-
??? Don't do it, Charles!
EXCITING DYNAMIC VISUAL EFFECTS
??? Barkley, this way!
Dynamic escape!
??? I... I do not think I can fully explain what is happening. There is someone I'd like you to meet, someone who can make some sense of this to you.
No! You're gonna tell me what the hell is happening right now or I'm gonna... I... I'm gonna do something I'll regret.
??? I will tell you this much, Barkley. No matter what happens, I am on your side.
That doesn't mean anything to me! I have no idea who you are! For all I know, you could be the Ultimate Hellbane!
What!? What the hell!? What the hell is going on! I don't know nothin' about no B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. and I sure as hell don't want nothing to do with it! What the hell is this?
Barkley, the men I killed... I... I am not a murderer. They were agents of B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. I'm not a terrorist and I'm not one of the bad guys... I'm here to help you because... Because I know you're innocent and I believe the same people that wronged me so long ago are the ones that are trying to hurt you.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm supposed to belive you now just 'cause you think I'm innocent? Hell no, you're a murderer and I don't want nothing to do with this shit!
Charles, please! You... you need to believe me. Just before Jordan came for you I... I took Hoopz somewhere safe. Somewhere Jordan and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. can't get him.
Hoopz is... safe?
He's at the church, Barkley, with Bird. They can't get him there.
I'll... I'll listen.
I'm here to help you, Barkley. I can't tell you who I am right now, but I know that you didn't do it. I know you've got to be a little confused and there are a lot of questions you want answered... There's someone I think you should meet that can help you, Barkley. You've made enemies tonight and you're going to need all the help you can get. Please, Barkley... Please believe me.
I... I don't understand what's going on at all, but if... you can help me... I'll take any help I can get.
We're going to need to move fast. There's no doubt in my mind that both Jordan and B.L.O.O.D.M.O.S.E.S. are looking for us. We'll need to make haste.
Wait! Where the hell are we?
These are the B-Ball Catacombs, the final resting place of some of history's greatest ballers. It's... It's an ancient site but it's been used up until-
The... Purge...
We... should make haste.
Yes, let's get going.
One more thing... I have some Battler's Tomes you might want to read before venturing forward. You can check them in your item pouch.
OKAY done with! Ultimate Hellbane has joined the party.
First, we save. Then, we read some TOMES.
Whoo. Let's get going.
Oh, no, it's a monster of some sort!
ENTER OUR FIRST BATTLE
Hellbane is faster than Barkley, so he acts first, with five available commands: Blitz, Zauber, Counter, Item, Escape. Blitz is basic attack, so I'll start there.
Blitz has three possible attacks - Zauber Slash (works well on enemies with low Brain, mash Z to increase damage while charging), Stab Dash (works well on enemies with low Guard, press X when symbol turns red), and Zeta Flash (hits all enemies, no damage but pushes turns back). I'll go with Zauber Slash this time.
ZAUBER'D for a good 70 damage! On to Barkley. His action set is the same, except that Blitz, Zauber, and Counter are replaced with Shots, Slam/Jam, and Guard. I'll make a shot.
Barkley's got five Shots! They are Free Throw (hits twice, low accuracy, line up the indicator for more accuracy), Pass (high damage, low accuracy, line up the indicator for more damage), Forward Jumper (high damage, reduces Guard, hold and release at height of jump), Jumper (medium damage), and Fadeaway Jumper (low damage, guard bonus to self). I'll go with the Free Throw this turn.
EVERYBODY GET UP IT'S TIME TO SLAM NOW
EVERYBODY GET UP IT'S TIME TO JAM
Anyway this enemy is an immense pansy, so we obliterate it.
And that's a solid intro to the battle system, so come back in Chapter 2 for the rest of the B-Ball Catacombs!