I need advice regarding my elderly parents.

[prog]

I could use some advice, or even just other points of view, regarding my parents. They both turned 80 last year, and have lately made certain ill-advised lifestyle decisions. My siblings are in no position to help, and distant family is distant. If any family is going to help them, it falls to me. And I'm not sure what I should do

Comments

[aspartaimee]

i had to deal with a parent whose life had to change because of circumstances beyond her control. this is difficult on a lot of reasons, mostly because it represents a loss of independence, which is a huge adjustment. i understand your situation is different, but it still puts you in a position to have to sort of herd your parents into a specific direction they may not be into going. their space sounds like it's getting harder to manage, properly maintaining hygiene and making meals for themselves might become an issue, and the falling asleep thing is can be a little worrisome. this usually starts with a conversation with them, since they are with it enough to be able to be active in their care, but for some reason aren't. i

[flourish]

I agree with this comment. Basically-having specific concerns helps, but primarily understanding what the concerns w/r/t independence are. Is the issue that moving to Florida somehow suggests to them a reduction of independence? For example

[radtea]

I'll third this advice, having been through this process several times with grandparents and parents. Getting them some level of local support so they retain as much independence as possible is an effective way to help them, and to manage the wear and tear on you. Both my grandmothers ended up in a bad way due to lack of such support, and my mother and ex-mother-in-law are both still substantially independent because of it (the men in my extended family all die relatively young, so I can't speak to the dynamics of an elderly couple, which may be quite different

[cortezopossum]

Another for local support. When my mom was having difficulties we ended up eventually having to hire a kind of housekeeper care-giver that came in mostly during the daytime. This arrangement worked out pretty well until she got really sick and needed someone around 24 hours a day.

Mom 'hid' her need for help rather well. She had apparently gotten to the point of taking nothing but sponge baths and literally crawling on hands and knees up and down the basement stairs (to do laundry) because mobility issues prevented her from using the bathtub and using the basement stairs normally. This went on for nearly two years before anyone realized it.

One thing she insisted on was *not* to end up dying in a nursing home. It was rough but my brother and I managed to keep that promise.

[pseudomanitou]

Depression in seniors is very common. I don't know the full extent of your situation enough to even suggest your parents may be dealing with this, but it would be a good idea to look into it using the most professional diagnosis you can find. It would explain a lot...

My own family has already given me power of attorney... it has given everyone security to know that any additional plans for the future of our family are pretty much set in stone, or resting with me if my mother is no longer fit to make those decisions. Has your family worked on those kinds of processes? -a living will? -family decision power sharing? -etc?
...might want to begin discussing it -- it is a VERY hard conversation to have, let alone get everyone to agree to, even if you're all on the same page (because it is depressing, for one thing). The sooner, the better.

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