(no subject)
Though this is a private entry, Harry leaves his journal out on the table accidently if a curious Hermione would like to take a gander.
It seems like I've been doing far too many of these entries to myself lately. I think, yet again, I've been spending far too much time in my own head for my good.
After I wrote back to Ron last night, I was thinking. I've actually been considering giving up Hermione for the "greater good", meaning the good of our friendships. I know Ron isn't going to stop until he has her back, or he knows that we're together and is hurt beyond repair.
But then, how many things have I given up for the greater good? The last year of my education, so that now I'm having to struggle through it alone when everyone else my age is moving on with careers, marriages, families and lives?
Mourning the loss of Sirius. All I wanted was to be able to curl into a ball and scream for a few days, to mourn his loss as he should have been mourned. To go through his effects. Even now it's been 5 years since I lost him and I still haven't stopped to shed a tear for him. There's always been something more pressing. Always been a war to fight, a battle to be won. I can't believe how much, even now, I miss him and wish he was here. I love having Remus, but I just don't get the sense that he understands me like Sirius did...like my Dad would have.
My love life... such as it's been. I gave Ginny up twice. Once for her own good, before I went off in search of Voldemort after 6th year so that she would be safe in case he decided to come after those I loved. And the other for her own good and for mine, because she didn't know what she wanted and I didn't want to force her to decide this early in life if she always wanted to be with me. Bollux. That wasn't even what I was asking for. I was asking her to decide if she could see any future with me, even if it was only for a few months. She apparently couldn't, so I let her go.
It seems that my life has been a series of compromises, a long string of giving up what was good for me, what felt good and safe for the sake of others' health, happieness, safety and welfare.
So when is it going to be my turn to be selfish? Yeah, I've been selfish in the past about little things... I've been a right arse when it came to certain things. But when it's something big, I've never just taken it for my own. So when is it my turn? When do I get to have the things I want, with no one else competing for them, no one else trying to take them away? I know Ron doesn't know what he's doing, that I'm the bloke he's trying to win Hermione back from. But even if he did, would he care? Naw, I think he'd likely just be furious and return that punch to the nose I gave him a bit back.
So why can't I be selfish, just this once? Why is my first instinct to back off and make everyone happy other than myself? Maybe it's not that... maybe it's just that Ron and Hermione have been the only stable family I've ever had, and being between them is ripping me apart. Or maybe... just maybe it's that I've finally found someone I want, a reason to be selfish and hold on as tightly as I can but now I'm going to loose my other best mate in the process.
This is what happens when I spend too much time in my own head.
It seems like I've been doing far too many of these entries to myself lately. I think, yet again, I've been spending far too much time in my own head for my good.
After I wrote back to Ron last night, I was thinking. I've actually been considering giving up Hermione for the "greater good", meaning the good of our friendships. I know Ron isn't going to stop until he has her back, or he knows that we're together and is hurt beyond repair.
But then, how many things have I given up for the greater good? The last year of my education, so that now I'm having to struggle through it alone when everyone else my age is moving on with careers, marriages, families and lives?
Mourning the loss of Sirius. All I wanted was to be able to curl into a ball and scream for a few days, to mourn his loss as he should have been mourned. To go through his effects. Even now it's been 5 years since I lost him and I still haven't stopped to shed a tear for him. There's always been something more pressing. Always been a war to fight, a battle to be won. I can't believe how much, even now, I miss him and wish he was here. I love having Remus, but I just don't get the sense that he understands me like Sirius did...like my Dad would have.
My love life... such as it's been. I gave Ginny up twice. Once for her own good, before I went off in search of Voldemort after 6th year so that she would be safe in case he decided to come after those I loved. And the other for her own good and for mine, because she didn't know what she wanted and I didn't want to force her to decide this early in life if she always wanted to be with me. Bollux. That wasn't even what I was asking for. I was asking her to decide if she could see any future with me, even if it was only for a few months. She apparently couldn't, so I let her go.
It seems that my life has been a series of compromises, a long string of giving up what was good for me, what felt good and safe for the sake of others' health, happieness, safety and welfare.
So when is it going to be my turn to be selfish? Yeah, I've been selfish in the past about little things... I've been a right arse when it came to certain things. But when it's something big, I've never just taken it for my own. So when is it my turn? When do I get to have the things I want, with no one else competing for them, no one else trying to take them away? I know Ron doesn't know what he's doing, that I'm the bloke he's trying to win Hermione back from. But even if he did, would he care? Naw, I think he'd likely just be furious and return that punch to the nose I gave him a bit back.
So why can't I be selfish, just this once? Why is my first instinct to back off and make everyone happy other than myself? Maybe it's not that... maybe it's just that Ron and Hermione have been the only stable family I've ever had, and being between them is ripping me apart. Or maybe... just maybe it's that I've finally found someone I want, a reason to be selfish and hold on as tightly as I can but now I'm going to loose my other best mate in the process.
This is what happens when I spend too much time in my own head.