Euphoria
Title: Euphoria
Pairing: Xabi Alonso x Steven Gerrard
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1.482
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. Sadly.
Warning: English is not my first language, so sometimes I’m not sure if the expressions I use are correct since I don’t have a beta (and I really don’t want to show my writing to my English teacher).
Xabi is sitting wide awake in his bed. For the past hour, he’s been staring at the clock on his bedside table. It’s 11.59 p.m. now, nearly midnight. Xabi can’t sleep, he couldn’t for weeks now. His head is a mess, it’s Chaos. He just can’t sort it out, and it’s all about Stevie. Steven Gerrard.
He watches the seconds pass, until his digital clock shows 12.00 p.m. A new day. In nine hours, he’s going to see Stevie again, at training. They would do every stretching exercise together, like always. Because they did everything together. They were partners in the game and off the pitch, they were also friends. You could even call them best friends.
He couldn’t get Steven out of his head and he was involved in practically every thought he had. Fortunately, Nagore currently was in Spain with her family, she certainly would have noticed something. She just knew him too well. After all, they’ve been friends for years, a couple even. Even though he felt nothing more than friendship for her, she was still his girlfriend. She was his only girlfriend ever, the only woman whom he has ever had sex with. And she also knew she wasn’t the only one whom he had slept with.
Mikel Arteta. His best friend, always. Some day, they both drank too much and one thing led to another. He regretted it. Not, that he slept with a man, but that it had been Mikel, his friend. From whom Xabi had known before that he was in love with him. And Xabi rejected him afterwards. Since then, they rarely talked to each other. It had happened shortly after Mikel’s transfer to Everton, two years ago. After it had happened, he told Nagore everything. She only nodded and accepted it. “I’ve always known that there’s something different between you and Mikel, different to normal friends.”
Since then, nothing else has ever happened between the two of them. Nagore stayed his girlfriend and she didn’t let anything show. Even though he was sure that she wouldn’t have a problem with it, he still didn’t want her to know about Steven. It was his secret and it would stay his forever.
Xabi sighs. It’s 00:05 a.m. now, and slowly, his eyes start burning. He already knows how this feeling since he felt it too often lately. He doesn’t want to turn on the light again, he thinks that the chances of finally sleeping certainly won’t increase when he turns it on. But he also doesn’t know what to do. He leans back, closes his eyes and breathes deeply in and out. He hopes sleep might come after all. Xabi hears the clock in the living room ticking loudly, a car driving by outside and he also hears an ambulance’s siren farther away. The typical sounds of the night. It never is really quiet, but he is still alone.
He notices that the he is overcome by fatigue and he’s lying down slowly, waiting for the moment of falling asleep, feels this point coming closer. His breathing gets slower, ever calmer, ever deeper and he finally lets go. But just in that moment of falling asleep, Steven’s picture emerges from the depths of his mind and he sees him, clearly. Suddenly, he’s wide awake again, his eyes wide open.
He knows this moment all too well, living through it far too often over the past few weeks. But he couldn’t do anything against it, can’t stop it. He didn’t want to consult a psychologist. That wouldn’t be possible, never.
With a groan he swings his legs out of his bed, gets up fast. His vision turns black for a moment, like always when he changes positions too fast. He’s used to it. Xabi grabs the jeans and the shirt from yesterday, pulls them on, jogs out of the bedroom and grabs the keys to his car.
He needs to talk, right now. In this very moment.
He finds the way without looking, he drove it often enough that he didn’t even have to think about when he needs to turn in which street. Then, he’s standing in front of Steven’s door, the drive there seemed to be shorter than is really is.
Xabi hesitates for a moment, his courage has left him again and besides, it’s the middle of the night. He slowly puts his hand on the doorbell, even slower, he pushes the button. He hears the ringing inside, then swearing and steps moving towards the door. He knows it’s Steven, he knows the way he walks, kind of erratic but still balanced and smooth. Xabi taps his toes back and forth, feels the adrenaline running through his veins and he suddenly feels sick. He swallows. In just a moment, Stevie will be at the door and then there’s no going back. He has to tell him the truth, at least, he feels kind of obligated to do it now. Shortly before one o’clock in the middle of the night, on a cold Tuesday at the beginning of October.
The door opens and Stevie looks at him, surprised. “Xabi? What are you doing here?”, he asks, yawning. Xabi sees that he already slept since he’s only wearing boxer shorts and an old t-shirt. He yawns again. “Come in.”
Xabi passes Steven, then he stops and looks questioningly at Stevie while he’s closing the door. “Living room?”, he asks and Stevie nods.
Xabi starts walking, he knows his way around Steven’s house since he’s often there. Steven turns on the light and Xabi wishes he’d kept it off. In the dark, everything was easier.
“Is Alex there?”, he asks hesitantly.
Steven shakes his head. “She’s with a friend in London. The girls are with her.”
Xabi breathes a sigh of relief. At least Steven was alone so that no one could interrupt their talk.
“I have to talk to you.” He swallows. Now, there is no way back, now, he has to tell the truth. “I…”, he halts. Could he really risk it? Could he really tell Steven what he felt for him?
“I don’t know how to say it, it’s strange and I have never done something like that. So, I absolutely have no idea what to do and… fuck, I have no clue!” Steven looks at him questioningly; he doesn’t seem to get what Xabi wants to tell him. “I just don’t know”, Xabi says, helplessness clearly written on his face, he leans against the couch and closes his eyes. Come on, Xabier, it can’t be that hard! He’s one of your best friends, what big could happen?
Steven seems willing to help Xabi, but he doesn’t know how. Xabi breathes deeply in and out. It isn’t that hard! He opens his eyes again, pushes himself away from the sofa and takes one step towards Steven. He doesn’t know how he got this idea, but now he knows how to tell Steven what’s wrong.
Xabi continues walking towards him, one step at a time until he’s directly in front of Steven. Now he can see the sporadic freckles on his face, the grey eyes from up close, he could even count Steven’s eyelashes.
He knows that this is the only way to make Steven really understand what it’s all about. Steven is a man of actions, he doesn’t have a thing for words, he has to see something, to feel something, to know what it’s about. And Xabi knows that. Because he’s his friend.
And that’s why Xabi crosses the remaining gap between them and presses his lips on Stevens. It’s only a short moment, as short as Istanbul, but back then, it was enough for Xabi to understand that he felt more for Steven. And he looks at Steven and sees that it has been enough, that he understood.
Confusion is written on Steven’s face, obviously, he doesn’t know how to react. Xabi takes his hand for a moment and turns around, leaving the room fast and heading towards the door. He already has his hand on the door handle when he hears Steven’s steps behind him. The next thing he feels is being grabbed by the shoulder and being turned around. He feels Stevie’s hot breath on his face, doesn’t know what’s gotten into his teammate.
“Xabi”, he murmurs as if he’s having an epiphany. He lets go of Xabi’s shoulder and puts his hand gently on Xabi’s cheek. Steven smiles. Xabi doesn’t understand what has happened to Steven. At first, he didn’t respond at all and now? What does that mean?
Steven’s thumb caresses his cheek and the feelings which race through his body cannot be described. Everything inside him tingles, suddenly he feels warm, hot, and it reminds him of Istanbul. It was the same feeling there, back then, the same euphoria. That’s what the feeling is called. Euphoria.
---
Since I know there are mistakes, could you please tell me them?
Pairing: Xabi Alonso x Steven Gerrard
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1.482
Disclaimer: They’re not mine. Sadly.
Warning: English is not my first language, so sometimes I’m not sure if the expressions I use are correct since I don’t have a beta (and I really don’t want to show my writing to my English teacher).
Xabi is sitting wide awake in his bed. For the past hour, he’s been staring at the clock on his bedside table. It’s 11.59 p.m. now, nearly midnight. Xabi can’t sleep, he couldn’t for weeks now. His head is a mess, it’s Chaos. He just can’t sort it out, and it’s all about Stevie. Steven Gerrard.
He watches the seconds pass, until his digital clock shows 12.00 p.m. A new day. In nine hours, he’s going to see Stevie again, at training. They would do every stretching exercise together, like always. Because they did everything together. They were partners in the game and off the pitch, they were also friends. You could even call them best friends.
He couldn’t get Steven out of his head and he was involved in practically every thought he had. Fortunately, Nagore currently was in Spain with her family, she certainly would have noticed something. She just knew him too well. After all, they’ve been friends for years, a couple even. Even though he felt nothing more than friendship for her, she was still his girlfriend. She was his only girlfriend ever, the only woman whom he has ever had sex with. And she also knew she wasn’t the only one whom he had slept with.
Mikel Arteta. His best friend, always. Some day, they both drank too much and one thing led to another. He regretted it. Not, that he slept with a man, but that it had been Mikel, his friend. From whom Xabi had known before that he was in love with him. And Xabi rejected him afterwards. Since then, they rarely talked to each other. It had happened shortly after Mikel’s transfer to Everton, two years ago. After it had happened, he told Nagore everything. She only nodded and accepted it. “I’ve always known that there’s something different between you and Mikel, different to normal friends.”
Since then, nothing else has ever happened between the two of them. Nagore stayed his girlfriend and she didn’t let anything show. Even though he was sure that she wouldn’t have a problem with it, he still didn’t want her to know about Steven. It was his secret and it would stay his forever.
Xabi sighs. It’s 00:05 a.m. now, and slowly, his eyes start burning. He already knows how this feeling since he felt it too often lately. He doesn’t want to turn on the light again, he thinks that the chances of finally sleeping certainly won’t increase when he turns it on. But he also doesn’t know what to do. He leans back, closes his eyes and breathes deeply in and out. He hopes sleep might come after all. Xabi hears the clock in the living room ticking loudly, a car driving by outside and he also hears an ambulance’s siren farther away. The typical sounds of the night. It never is really quiet, but he is still alone.
He notices that the he is overcome by fatigue and he’s lying down slowly, waiting for the moment of falling asleep, feels this point coming closer. His breathing gets slower, ever calmer, ever deeper and he finally lets go. But just in that moment of falling asleep, Steven’s picture emerges from the depths of his mind and he sees him, clearly. Suddenly, he’s wide awake again, his eyes wide open.
He knows this moment all too well, living through it far too often over the past few weeks. But he couldn’t do anything against it, can’t stop it. He didn’t want to consult a psychologist. That wouldn’t be possible, never.
With a groan he swings his legs out of his bed, gets up fast. His vision turns black for a moment, like always when he changes positions too fast. He’s used to it. Xabi grabs the jeans and the shirt from yesterday, pulls them on, jogs out of the bedroom and grabs the keys to his car.
He needs to talk, right now. In this very moment.
He finds the way without looking, he drove it often enough that he didn’t even have to think about when he needs to turn in which street. Then, he’s standing in front of Steven’s door, the drive there seemed to be shorter than is really is.
Xabi hesitates for a moment, his courage has left him again and besides, it’s the middle of the night. He slowly puts his hand on the doorbell, even slower, he pushes the button. He hears the ringing inside, then swearing and steps moving towards the door. He knows it’s Steven, he knows the way he walks, kind of erratic but still balanced and smooth. Xabi taps his toes back and forth, feels the adrenaline running through his veins and he suddenly feels sick. He swallows. In just a moment, Stevie will be at the door and then there’s no going back. He has to tell him the truth, at least, he feels kind of obligated to do it now. Shortly before one o’clock in the middle of the night, on a cold Tuesday at the beginning of October.
The door opens and Stevie looks at him, surprised. “Xabi? What are you doing here?”, he asks, yawning. Xabi sees that he already slept since he’s only wearing boxer shorts and an old t-shirt. He yawns again. “Come in.”
Xabi passes Steven, then he stops and looks questioningly at Stevie while he’s closing the door. “Living room?”, he asks and Stevie nods.
Xabi starts walking, he knows his way around Steven’s house since he’s often there. Steven turns on the light and Xabi wishes he’d kept it off. In the dark, everything was easier.
“Is Alex there?”, he asks hesitantly.
Steven shakes his head. “She’s with a friend in London. The girls are with her.”
Xabi breathes a sigh of relief. At least Steven was alone so that no one could interrupt their talk.
“I have to talk to you.” He swallows. Now, there is no way back, now, he has to tell the truth. “I…”, he halts. Could he really risk it? Could he really tell Steven what he felt for him?
“I don’t know how to say it, it’s strange and I have never done something like that. So, I absolutely have no idea what to do and… fuck, I have no clue!” Steven looks at him questioningly; he doesn’t seem to get what Xabi wants to tell him. “I just don’t know”, Xabi says, helplessness clearly written on his face, he leans against the couch and closes his eyes. Come on, Xabier, it can’t be that hard! He’s one of your best friends, what big could happen?
Steven seems willing to help Xabi, but he doesn’t know how. Xabi breathes deeply in and out. It isn’t that hard! He opens his eyes again, pushes himself away from the sofa and takes one step towards Steven. He doesn’t know how he got this idea, but now he knows how to tell Steven what’s wrong.
Xabi continues walking towards him, one step at a time until he’s directly in front of Steven. Now he can see the sporadic freckles on his face, the grey eyes from up close, he could even count Steven’s eyelashes.
He knows that this is the only way to make Steven really understand what it’s all about. Steven is a man of actions, he doesn’t have a thing for words, he has to see something, to feel something, to know what it’s about. And Xabi knows that. Because he’s his friend.
And that’s why Xabi crosses the remaining gap between them and presses his lips on Stevens. It’s only a short moment, as short as Istanbul, but back then, it was enough for Xabi to understand that he felt more for Steven. And he looks at Steven and sees that it has been enough, that he understood.
Confusion is written on Steven’s face, obviously, he doesn’t know how to react. Xabi takes his hand for a moment and turns around, leaving the room fast and heading towards the door. He already has his hand on the door handle when he hears Steven’s steps behind him. The next thing he feels is being grabbed by the shoulder and being turned around. He feels Stevie’s hot breath on his face, doesn’t know what’s gotten into his teammate.
“Xabi”, he murmurs as if he’s having an epiphany. He lets go of Xabi’s shoulder and puts his hand gently on Xabi’s cheek. Steven smiles. Xabi doesn’t understand what has happened to Steven. At first, he didn’t respond at all and now? What does that mean?
Steven’s thumb caresses his cheek and the feelings which race through his body cannot be described. Everything inside him tingles, suddenly he feels warm, hot, and it reminds him of Istanbul. It was the same feeling there, back then, the same euphoria. That’s what the feeling is called. Euphoria.
---
Since I know there are mistakes, could you please tell me them?