(no subject)
i'm just really disgusted with myself for not knowing how to say no like i don't understand what my problem is exactly i've been feeling like i'm going to vomit all day for no other reason than the fact that i am a literal piece of shit i'm just so grossed out with myself i'm so grossed out
i just can't believe it even happened i don't even like blue that way i think she's pretty but past that i just??? i just wanted to be friends i just wanted to have fun i think i really need to stop drinking completely i've never made a good decision when it comes to physical affection while drunk what the fuck is my problem this is so disgusting
sex and i are not friends we never have been anything even remotely sexual makes me feel disgusting when it concerns another person masturbation is no big deal at all i don't ever feel gross after that but anytime i hook up with anyone ever i feel horrible and just disgusted i just want to pretend it never happened but it did and i can't stop thinking about it
i don't want to talk about it but i'm so bad with being dishonest and i'm honestly the worst friend in the world i betrayed nicole so badly and i want to tell her but i don't want her to hate me and i absolutely know she will what i did was not okay and it will never in ten lifetimes be okay i'm so gross
i wish yesterday had never happened i wish we hadn't gotten drunk i wish we'd just talked i wish we'd just watch tv why i don't this is just so horrible i'm so horrible nicole is my best friend blue is her girlfriend what the fuck is wrong with me what am i doing why would i do this i didn't EVER want i've never wanted this i still don't want it i don't know what to do i just want to vomit i'm so tired i'm so sick of myself i just want to get out of here and never talk to anyone but bee ever again i'm so sick i'm so disgusting i feel so sick this is the worst and i'm the worst i could've said no i don't know what to do i just want things to go back to normal blue said it was fine that we wouldn't talk about it that we wouldn't acknowledge it that it didn't happen and i want it so badly to be true i want us to be normal i want it to be innocent again i fucked up so badly i fucked up i'm horrible i'm disgusting it's going to take so long to feel okay again i already know this always happens this always happens to me i can't be with people i cannot do it i am not made for it i am not made for physical affection i don't want it i don't want to long for it i just need bee i'm so done with this i've got so much bile in my throat just over the thought of myself i'm the fucking worst completely