(no subject)
Wow...this year needs to be over.
I looked at the calender today and realized that Jordan only has four weeks of school left and it made me sad...this year has gone by so fast. I mean don't get me wrong, I want it to be over and everything, but I can't imagine what next year is going to be like. It's going to be my senior year...I should be excited...and yet the one person I want to be there with me isn't going to be there. I mean I know he'll still be close, but I dont know, it's not the same. Once next year is over I'm probably going to be terrified, the majority of my friends will be going to good colleges and I'll just be stuck at a crummy community college...fearing my future. I refuse to go to clark though, I refuse. I'll probably end up going to MT Hood, I know a couple of people who go there and they really like it...I probably shouldn't be so negative about it. I just need to learn to be happy with myself, it's my biggest fault. How can I expect other people to be okay with me if I'm not okay with me? That's just not how it works I suppose. Despite for one person making it bearable, this year has been awful. I don't know how I feel about my friends anymore, I don't even know how they feel about me. It's like there's a wall between all of us...I try to pretend it's not there...but it is. I guess I'm just not the same person I was before, not so much because of Jordan (which is probably what they blame our growing apart on), but because of so much more. This year has changed me, mostly because of what happened at the very beginning of the year. Maybe it was then that I realized this whole "like omg friends forever!" thing is all bullshit. Deep down we all know that isn't true. Even in the rare occasion that you hold onto a friend after high school, your relationship will change, you'll both move apart from each other, and you'll eventually go your separate ways. I don't get why people are so afraid to admit that either, it's not a bad thing. I've grown apart from a lot of good friends I've had, and as hard as we tried to repair our friendship, it just didn't work. It's no one's fault though, people change...and change is just a fact of life. I don't know why I'm ranting like this, I'm just in a weird mood i guess. Every year it seems like life goes by faster and faster, I'm just afraid I'm never going to amount to the person I want to be. I mean even now, I still don't have my license. It makes me feel bad about myself almost, I'm seventeen and my permit is about to expire and I know I should have it. I mean there are plenty of people my age who don't, and yet it doesn't matter.
ahh ryan is putting me in a bad mood...it's amazing how much a year can change someone, he's not even the same person. it's scary. he's only been out of high school a year...god i hope i dont end up like him. being depressed just sucks, and that's ignoring the fact it's totally retarded and selfish. god i think he's bipolar, one minute he's moping about how he's going to be a failure and the next he's all excited and talking about how this new job he's getting is going to fix everything...it's confusing. 19 year olds are weird...err...minus jordan. :p
i want jordan to call, he always cheers me up. he'll probably get tired though and get off the phone. that's always disappointing. i hate how i sound on the phone, i'm probably really boring too so I guess I can't really blame him.
my hair has been really icky lately, i need new hair product.
i wish it was friday.
my journal is so awful and retarded, i doubt anyone even reads it anymore. i can't blame them either. no one cares about what goes on in my life except me...why the hell do i even write in here? i should just make it private so it can be a real journal. i wonder how many times i've said that in here...probably thousands.
i wonder how long i have before my life falls apart...
god this is a depressing post, i apologize.
I looked at the calender today and realized that Jordan only has four weeks of school left and it made me sad...this year has gone by so fast. I mean don't get me wrong, I want it to be over and everything, but I can't imagine what next year is going to be like. It's going to be my senior year...I should be excited...and yet the one person I want to be there with me isn't going to be there. I mean I know he'll still be close, but I dont know, it's not the same. Once next year is over I'm probably going to be terrified, the majority of my friends will be going to good colleges and I'll just be stuck at a crummy community college...fearing my future. I refuse to go to clark though, I refuse. I'll probably end up going to MT Hood, I know a couple of people who go there and they really like it...I probably shouldn't be so negative about it. I just need to learn to be happy with myself, it's my biggest fault. How can I expect other people to be okay with me if I'm not okay with me? That's just not how it works I suppose. Despite for one person making it bearable, this year has been awful. I don't know how I feel about my friends anymore, I don't even know how they feel about me. It's like there's a wall between all of us...I try to pretend it's not there...but it is. I guess I'm just not the same person I was before, not so much because of Jordan (which is probably what they blame our growing apart on), but because of so much more. This year has changed me, mostly because of what happened at the very beginning of the year. Maybe it was then that I realized this whole "like omg friends forever!" thing is all bullshit. Deep down we all know that isn't true. Even in the rare occasion that you hold onto a friend after high school, your relationship will change, you'll both move apart from each other, and you'll eventually go your separate ways. I don't get why people are so afraid to admit that either, it's not a bad thing. I've grown apart from a lot of good friends I've had, and as hard as we tried to repair our friendship, it just didn't work. It's no one's fault though, people change...and change is just a fact of life. I don't know why I'm ranting like this, I'm just in a weird mood i guess. Every year it seems like life goes by faster and faster, I'm just afraid I'm never going to amount to the person I want to be. I mean even now, I still don't have my license. It makes me feel bad about myself almost, I'm seventeen and my permit is about to expire and I know I should have it. I mean there are plenty of people my age who don't, and yet it doesn't matter.
ahh ryan is putting me in a bad mood...it's amazing how much a year can change someone, he's not even the same person. it's scary. he's only been out of high school a year...god i hope i dont end up like him. being depressed just sucks, and that's ignoring the fact it's totally retarded and selfish. god i think he's bipolar, one minute he's moping about how he's going to be a failure and the next he's all excited and talking about how this new job he's getting is going to fix everything...it's confusing. 19 year olds are weird...err...minus jordan. :p
i want jordan to call, he always cheers me up. he'll probably get tired though and get off the phone. that's always disappointing. i hate how i sound on the phone, i'm probably really boring too so I guess I can't really blame him.
my hair has been really icky lately, i need new hair product.
i wish it was friday.
my journal is so awful and retarded, i doubt anyone even reads it anymore. i can't blame them either. no one cares about what goes on in my life except me...why the hell do i even write in here? i should just make it private so it can be a real journal. i wonder how many times i've said that in here...probably thousands.
i wonder how long i have before my life falls apart...
god this is a depressing post, i apologize.