Red-hot kitchen
Warning: This is going to be a very melodramatic post that you should probably skip. Ironically, it may be the first post in a month to which I will allow comments.
If I were to die and go to hell, I know what my eternal torment would be. It would a lot like this: complete and total isolation from human contact.
It's funny, in all the years when I used to convince myself that I didn't need anyone -- you know, kind of trying to turn the tables since no one wanted to be around me -- I would have expected that I would eventually start to believe it. Instead, I still feel the need to be around other people. I can be grumpy, I can be grouchy, I am a moody person (even though I hate to admit it, I am), and I tend to "hold my cards" as my parents put it, leaving people out in the lurch as to what I'm feeling. But the thing is, I don't like talking -- and I'm not talking about the goofy banter I do to make other people laugh, I mean serious talking -- but I love to listen. I love listening to people. I love learning knew things. I love the meaningless factoids about a person's existence. I love hearing little tidbits and quirks about a person's life, their likes and their dislikes. You wanna know what the best part of listening is? Remembering. I love to remember something about someone and see that look of surprise when they realize that someone was paying attention to the deeper part of their life. I love learning about people, and I need -- as much as I am loathe to confess this -- I need to be around people.
Don't get me wrong, though, I do love my moments of solitude. I like to have my headphones on and wallow in my own depression or something self-destructive, I like curling up to a good book, or coming home to an empty apartment. I like peace and quiet. I guess what I really like is being around people without necessarily interacting with them. Throughout my school career I was always the invisible one, but not really unnoticed. People knew that I was around, but they didn't pay me any attention. That is how I got to eavesdrop or notice the way people interacted with each other, learning the little secrets of someone else's life. It's a role that was forced upon me that I have since embraced in a way.
So, what's the point?
Well, those moments of being in the background have been replaced with complete solitude. Now my isolation feels like imprisonment. Even though I don't interact well, there's nothing better than having someone around. I like having people over, I like cooking for large groups of people, I like going to parties or being in group situations. There's a perversion in this confession, I know; it seems strange (even to me) to want to be alone in a crowd. But I guess that's what I like. No, actually, that's not it either. I guess what I really like is intimacy. Where one finds oneself alone... but with someone. Kind of a solitude in being together, I guess.
*sigh* I can read your mind...
I know that you think that I'm overreacting, and that I'm not looking at everything that I have going for me, and maybe that's true. But it hurts. It hurts inside in a way that I can't seem to get anyone to understand. I'm a very lonely guy, and I need to have someone else in my life to care for and who will care about me in return. I need it. I know it seems that I'm being stupid to you, and I know that you don't understand why I feel the way I do, but I can't change the way I feel, and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me every day of my life to be so completely alone. There's no one here to share secrets with, to lay down with at night, to talk to, to listen to, to be with. There is no one. I need someone else. I don't want to be alone anymore.
At some point, when I wasn't looking, I became really co-dependent.
Actually, I changed my mind... I don't want any comments here, either.
If I were to die and go to hell, I know what my eternal torment would be. It would a lot like this: complete and total isolation from human contact.
It's funny, in all the years when I used to convince myself that I didn't need anyone -- you know, kind of trying to turn the tables since no one wanted to be around me -- I would have expected that I would eventually start to believe it. Instead, I still feel the need to be around other people. I can be grumpy, I can be grouchy, I am a moody person (even though I hate to admit it, I am), and I tend to "hold my cards" as my parents put it, leaving people out in the lurch as to what I'm feeling. But the thing is, I don't like talking -- and I'm not talking about the goofy banter I do to make other people laugh, I mean serious talking -- but I love to listen. I love listening to people. I love learning knew things. I love the meaningless factoids about a person's existence. I love hearing little tidbits and quirks about a person's life, their likes and their dislikes. You wanna know what the best part of listening is? Remembering. I love to remember something about someone and see that look of surprise when they realize that someone was paying attention to the deeper part of their life. I love learning about people, and I need -- as much as I am loathe to confess this -- I need to be around people.
Don't get me wrong, though, I do love my moments of solitude. I like to have my headphones on and wallow in my own depression or something self-destructive, I like curling up to a good book, or coming home to an empty apartment. I like peace and quiet. I guess what I really like is being around people without necessarily interacting with them. Throughout my school career I was always the invisible one, but not really unnoticed. People knew that I was around, but they didn't pay me any attention. That is how I got to eavesdrop or notice the way people interacted with each other, learning the little secrets of someone else's life. It's a role that was forced upon me that I have since embraced in a way.
So, what's the point?
Well, those moments of being in the background have been replaced with complete solitude. Now my isolation feels like imprisonment. Even though I don't interact well, there's nothing better than having someone around. I like having people over, I like cooking for large groups of people, I like going to parties or being in group situations. There's a perversion in this confession, I know; it seems strange (even to me) to want to be alone in a crowd. But I guess that's what I like. No, actually, that's not it either. I guess what I really like is intimacy. Where one finds oneself alone... but with someone. Kind of a solitude in being together, I guess.
*sigh* I can read your mind...
I know that you think that I'm overreacting, and that I'm not looking at everything that I have going for me, and maybe that's true. But it hurts. It hurts inside in a way that I can't seem to get anyone to understand. I'm a very lonely guy, and I need to have someone else in my life to care for and who will care about me in return. I need it. I know it seems that I'm being stupid to you, and I know that you don't understand why I feel the way I do, but I can't change the way I feel, and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt me every day of my life to be so completely alone. There's no one here to share secrets with, to lay down with at night, to talk to, to listen to, to be with. There is no one. I need someone else. I don't want to be alone anymore.
At some point, when I wasn't looking, I became really co-dependent.
Actually, I changed my mind... I don't want any comments here, either.