[snsd] Stay, Like An Endless Promise
Stay, Like An Endless Promise
Character: Yoona, Yoona/Jessica friendship
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 24,730
Summary: Jessica is no longer a member of SNSD, and Yoona wonders if it’s all her fault
Warning:[Spoiler (click to open)]some rumors used as facts
Prompt Used: Solo Day by B1A4 (lyrics) and the last line of the supplementary prompt
Note: This is possibly the most emotionally draining fic I've written for the Kpop fandom. I was a bit out of loop with the SNSD fandom when I decided to write this. Written for the 2015 Cycle of kpop_olymfics. Original entry here. Also posted on AO3.
It’s a familiar sight, yet it feels so foreign at the same time. Yoona takes in the pastel rose sea, letting its lights be the only thing she sees. She loathes this feeling-the uneasiness, the need for shelter, and the longing for silence-and she hates that she still has to smile and laugh despite all this. She wants to lose herself in the lights and blasting background music she’s heard on loop for months. She hopes the monotony of the familiar tunes and the warmth and comfort of the bright lights take her elsewhere, so she closes her eyes. The shouts get incoherent and the lights all become one to her as she seeks her happy place.
For once in her life, she can’t bring herself to fake a smile despite what she feels inside. The fans will understand why they’re being like this. Yoona can almost roll her eyes at the irony of it all. This whole fanmeet, called Girls Generation First Party in Shenzhen, feels like anything but a party.
Reality bites her as she opens her eyes. She’s still stuck onstage, looking at a sea of fans asking for answers that aren’t there. She can’t bear to look at anything else, let alone the other members standing on stage with her. They all have their ways of dealing with misery, fatigue, and whatever else it is each of them are feeling right now. Earlier, Yuri let the fans do what she didn’t have the strength to do herself-sing Jessica’s parts on their behalf. Yoona can’t blame her. After all, she would have done the same had she been the one tasked to do what she feels is impossible. It is easy to fill in for someone who is eventually going to come back, but to erase someone from history? It is going to be a grueling process. After all, there is evidence that once upon a time, things were different and everything was perfect.
She walks on the stage, trying her best to interact with the fans who came all the way to see them despite all this. As she reaches out to shake hands with a fan holding up a banner with her name on it, something else makes her stop in her tracks. It’s another banner. It isn’t supposed to be anything special, but the words behind it bear a heavy meaning.
“8+1 = Complete”
Even the fans refuse to move forward. After all, she knows it’s too much for them to take in. The emotions are still at an all time high, and she’s amazed at how quickly they are able to come up with these things. Then again, Yoona knows better than anyone not to doubt SONES’ magic powers and capacity to perform miracles. She wonders, if she wishes for things to stop being so complicated, will any SONE be able to grant her wish? She would chuckle at her own wit if she was alone in the comfort of her own mind. But, she is still up onstage, and there are people watching every move she makes. One smile could spiral into something beyond her control and she can’t let that happen. Besides, she isn’t in any mood for any happiness anyway.
Letting her gaze wander around the stage as they sing “Complete,” Yoona sees Seohyun standing in the middle, crying as she tries to sing her lines. She looks vulnerable and confused-a first in their more than ten years of friendship. She exhales through her nose, grits her teeth, and clenches her fists as she makes her way to the younger girl. Just as she’s inches away from her friend, she sees the spot where Seohyun’s eyes are focused on. Oh. It’s the sea of pink lights. Yoona internally sighs as she feels her eyes get wet as she stares at that part of the pink ocean she has been willing herself to ignore all night. Those “J” lightsticks that have made their presence known and felt, ruining the tranquility she seeks in those lights. She and Seohyun have their arms around each other as they walk back to the main stage, where the lights aren’t as harsh and blinding. They have to hold themselves together-for the fans, but most of all, for themselves.
Before Yoona can move away, she feels a gentle tug at her arm. She locks eyes with Seohyun, who whispers, “Did they come for us, or for her?”
She usually has a smart (or stupid, if you look at it from Seohyun’s opinion) comeback for these kinds of questions, but for once, she finds herself at a loss for words. She herself doesn’t know the answer to that. She shrugs at Seohyun, who looks so desperate for some kind of magic-a joke, an answer, or a miracle, or anything-to take their minds off this reality. She’s unsure which one of them whispers, “Don’t let me go,” as they head back to the other members. Yoona feels her fingers digging deep into Seohyun’s skin, as though clinging to her will keep her from drifting away from reality.
It isn’t easier, as they struggle to answer the questions the host asks them. The questions aren’t difficult, but the fans who make things harder for them than necessary. Yoona wonders how the fans can’t understand that the only reason the eight of them standing in front of them haven’t broken down on stage crying was for them, the faithful fans who came all this way for this. It isn’t easy holding it all in. Each time someone else speaks, her voice gets lost amidst the fans chanting “Jessica!” over and over again. Yes, she knows the fans are hurt and confused by everything, but don’t they realize that what they’re doing is hurting the rest of them up on stage?
Jessica’s gone, but the pink lights still shine for her, as much as for the rest of them.
It’s not fair.
✮✮✮
“Have you ever imagined life beyond this?”
Yoona almost dropped the script she’d been studying at the sound of the Jessica’s voice. She was supposed to be home alone, since she was given time to study the script for a movie offer to see if this was meant to be her first big screen role, but it looked like those plans had changed.
“Nice of you to drop by, stranger,” she said, smiling at Jessica who settled on the couch’s space Yoona hadn’t occupied.
It’s been years since most of them moved out of their dorm. In her case, she lived there during promotions and then just went home when she wasn’t. Rehearsals ended late the night before and she was too tired to go home, so she ended up crashing at the dorm. Some of the other members were out recording their parts, so she had some time to think whether she wanted to do that film or not. As she read the character brief for the film, she wondered if this was the role that would finally convince people that she was a serious actress, and not just another idol trying to act. If she were to ask the other members’ opinions on it, she knew they’d tell her to go for it.
Then again, she wondered if it was worth it. None of her dramas had seen success after You Are My Destiny which was back in 2008. She wondered if the lack of ratings were her fault. She thought so. Scratch that. She knew it. All her leading men had been bankable in their own right. Yoona bet ratings would have blown the roofs off if other leading ladies took her roles instead. She sighed as she threw the script on the coffee table.
“What did this ever do to you?” Jessica asked, laughing as she picked up the papers which ended up falling to the floor.
Yoona blinked as she stared at the script, which Jessica was reading. She almost forgot she wasn’t alone.
“You never answered my question.”
Yoona frowned as she tried to think of an answer. In all honesty, maybe she had, but not in full detail. She’d always known that SNSD wasn’t meant to last. They all knew that. In her heart, she admitted that she wanted to stay with the group for as long as she could. After all, SNSD was all she’d ever known for the past nine years. Sure, she had a lot more solo activities and endorsements compared to some of the other members, but in her heart, she’d always been SNSD’s Yoona. Sometimes, she wondered what would happen to her once the SNSD part was gone.
“What do you mean?” she asked, peering into Jessica’s brown eyes as though they’d provide her some sort of clue.
Jessica chuckled as she flipped the pages of the script. “You know. What are your plans once our contracts end… again?”
They had all renewed their contracts with SM Entertainment weeks ago. This time, the contracts were a lot shorter and a lot more flexible, each according to the girls’ preferences. Yoona’s was meant to last for at least three more years, and then she’d see what happened from there. After all, her contract with SM Entertainment was for both as a member of SNSD and as an actress. If she would be honest with herself, she wanted the group to last for as long as they all wanted it to. If not, then, maybe she could try and see where acting will take her. She still had some time to improve her skills, but she was uncertain if she was ready to ask for more challenging roles. She wasn’t even sure if directors and producers were willing to cast her in any role that went against her image as SNSD’s Yoona. How did they expect her to grow if that was the case? Maybe not now, but in a few years. She only hoped time was still on her side.
“I… I mean, I’ve wondered, but I never completely thought about it,” she said, scratching her head. “Why’d you ask?”
Jessica shrugged as she settled her feet on Yoona’s lap, after the latter gave up repeatedly putting them off. “I love what we’re doing now, and I couldn’t be happier about how far we’ve come. But I was just thinking. There’s still a lot I want to do, and we’re not getting any younger,” she said. “I mean, I’m glad things are slowly falling into place with my brand, but I can’t stop there. I feel like there’s so much more I have to do with my life.”
Yoona nodded as she took this all in. She wondered how Jessica still had time to figure this out, despite their crazy schedules. She herself found it amazing she was able to juggle university and being a member of Korea’s most in-demand girl group. Yoona didn’t know if she could imagine a life outside the entertainment industry. This was what she always wanted, and she knew this was the life she signed up for the moment she lined up outside SM Entertainment that fateful morning. This was all she’d ever known and all she’d ever dreamed of. She couldn’t fathom a future beyond this. Was she ambitionless for thinking this way?
“No, you’re not ambitionless,” Jessica said, shaking her head. Yoona almost wondered if she said that out loud. Then again, they knew each other’s nuances all too well by now. “This is what you dreamed of and you’re doing what you can to get to where you want to be. I just… I just have other goals to fulfill. I want to study designing and make my brand the best it can be. Unlike you, I don’t think I’m meant to stay in entertainment once we’re done here.”
“Right, and I’m the world’s greatest actress,” Yoona snorted as she watched Jessica finish reading the movie script. Jessica was probably one of the most in-demand members of the group, and she had her sister Krystal in the entertainment industry with her. They could do that whole sister-act thing, whether their contracts were done or not.
Jessica put the script back in Yoona’s hands before she stood up and stretched. As she twisted her body back and forth, she smiled as she pointed to the script. “Based on the script alone, I think you should take that role,” she said. “I know our Yoona’s going to be awesome.”
Before Yoona could say anything else, Jessica had already walked over to the kitchen. She would have moved to follow, but the other members who were out recording suddenly started arriving and both Sooyoung and Yuri had pounced on her, teasing her about becoming a big star in China.
“A big star… All alone? Without the rest of you? Yeah right.”
✮✮✮
“We did it for the group,” Taeyeon says, as they stand in the practice room, waiting for their choreographer to arrive. Yoona remembers this is also what Taeyeon told the fans at the TaeTiSeo fanmeet that took place when they got back from China. Yoona wonders if their leader managed to convince the fans. She swears people don’t give the fans enough credit. They are probably some of the most determined people there, not to mention unforgiving. The memories of that time Yunho was poisoned by an anti-fan still haunt her, despite it being practically another lifetime ago. She’s not putting past livid Jessica supporters to try and do the same to her or any of the other members. The thought of that happening gives her chills
“I have half a mind to lock my Instagram account and report every single person who leaves comments about Jessica on my posts,” Hyoyeon says as she looks at her phone.
Sooyoung, Sunny, and Seohyun all nod. This is why they’ve been avoiding updating their social media accounts for the past few days. No one has gotten over the bomb the management dropped on everyone. This is the reason Yoona prefers not to have any social media accounts publicized to the world. Sure, it is a way to connect with the fans, but it also means being at the mercy of the world. It makes it easier for them to look into life behind the scenes, to read into things too deeply, to take mundane thoughts out of context, and worst of all, it makes idols like herself open targets to bashers and haters. With this issue surrounding them, she can only imagine what sort of death sentences people are wishing on them right now.
“I wouldn’t go so far as reporting them,” Yuri says. “It’s going to be impossible to report thousands of people at once.”
“We have a long day ahead of us,” Tiffany claps her hands to get their attention, getting into Manager-Hwang mode. “There’s choreography to re-learn and spacing to keep in mind. Come on! Let’s go!”
Their choreographer nods from the front of the room. “Let’s try to make this as easy and painless as possible. Some of you still have other stuff to work on.”
That clipped tone is enough for all of them to get into position and start focusing on more pressing matters than a member who’s packed her bags and left.
The SMTown concert is going to happen in three days, and that’s how much time they have to regroup and act as if nothing happened. Everything is changing, and Yoona knows she has to catch up with the times. There are several changes in blocking, now that there’s one less girl to share the stage with. Besides having to cover for Sooyoung’s parts, now they also have to learn Jessica’s parts. The difference is that Sooyoung will be back, but Jessica? No. She’s never coming back and it’s high time everyone gets used to it.
It’s a lot easier said than done, once Yoona thinks about it. They’re working on everything, but it doesn’t help that they’re all messing up so badly. If not bumping into each other, they end up stepping on each other’s feet. Yoona doesn’t even know why she’s keeping track, when it has never bothered her before.
“Ouch!” Yuri shouts from the side. As the music stops, Yoona realizes that she forgot to step forward to make way for Yuri to sing her part. Shit. This isn’t the first time it has happened. Luckily, it was just the beginning of the song, so starting from the top was no big deal.
“Come on,” Tiffany says, clapping her hands, trying to motivate everyone else. “Let’s focus, girls!”
Yoona can practically feel the desperation in her voice. Tiffany is doing her best to keep it together, trying too hard if Yoona wants to look into it. She can practically see the imaginary cracks in that cheery front Tiffany’s trying to put up.
Yoona sighs and gets into position as the music plays again. It’s almost as if they’re learning everything for the first time. Aside from colliding into each other and getting confused between the old and new formations, she thinks they’re doing just fine.
Yoona is getting into another formation when she hears two voices shout “Ouch!” almost at the same time. She swears she hears Taeyeon and Hyoyeon groan from either side of her. They all turn around to see Yuri, Tiffany, and Sunny in some sort of heap. The rest of them just sigh as they help the three up.
“Yuri, can we please STOP screwing up?” Taeyeon asks, with her hands on her hips. “We don’t have TIME for this, and you are just making things difficult.”
“We’re not the only ones making mistakes, oh great leader,” Yuri mutters under her breath. Yoona immediately positions herself in front of Yuri, and Tiffany does the same for Taeyeon. They exchange quick nods, clearly thinking the same thing. They can’t have any more fighting going on. Their situation is already tough and having two members not talking to each other is just going to make things even harder.
Lucky for them, Manager Minjin comes in before anything can happen. “Maybe it’s time for dinner,” the older woman says as she leans against the door frame.
The choreographer nods. “Maybe once you’ve all eaten, we’ll get stuff done.”
All eight of them file out of the room without saying a word to each other. Yoona still has an arm around Yuri, while Tiffany is trying to soothe Taeyeon’s temper.
Despite joining the game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who goes out to buy food without really paying attention, Yoona has no idea what she wants to eat. She’s about to completely let her mind wander, until she realizes she’s lost the game.
Hyoyeon shouts something about wanting bubble tea, while Seohyun goes on to say something about eating healthier options like sweet potatoes. Yoona laughs but she doesn't take them seriously, since she knows she’ll probably get whatever food their manager suggests. Then again, the idea of getting skewered potatoes is more than tempting.
Before she and Manager Minjin walk out of the practice room, Yoona pulls Seohyun aside. “Make sure they don’t kill each other before dinner arrives,” she whispers, nodding at Yuri and Taeyeon’s direction.
“We’ll make sure they’re both alive by the time you bring food,” Seohyun chuckles as she opens the door for Yoona.
She hears music from one of the other rooms nearby. It's not surprising, considering the SMTown concert in Japan was happening soon. What catches her attention though, is the music playing. The lyrics are familiar, yet the title evades her memory at first. She turns to ask her manager what song is playing, only for the older lady to tell her that she'll be getting the car and for her to wait. Yoona nods as she sits on the nearest bench, twiddling her thumbs and blowing at her stray hair strands.
“Ay Ay It’s a Red Light, Light 이건 실제상황 뭐가 잘못된 건지도 몰라”
So it's f(x) practicing in the room near theirs. Manager Minjin is taking some time, so she entertains herself by watching the group rehearse their song. When she counts the members in the room, she notices there are only four of them in there.
Oh right. Sulli's still "on hiatus" from group activities.
As she watches them execute the choreography as four, she wonders how they can pull it off naturally. They don't seem to suffer that confusion of trying to not to bump into each other as they perform the dance. None of them also have that problem of trying to fill an empty space. Shouldn't it be more challenging for them since they're only five, and the absence of one makes an even more glaring hole compared to nine girls? The music stops and Yoona hears laughter. She sees Victoria patting Amber's head, while Luna and Krystal are curled on the floor, laughing at Amber's mortified expression. How are they able to laugh and joke about this? How could they act as if Sulli is going to come back and everything will be right again?
Now that she thinks about it, she wonders how the other members of f(x) felt when Sulli announced her sudden decision to go on hiatus. Was it something they'd known she planned for long, that's why they agreed to just stop promotions for Red Light just like that?
Before she can come up with an answer, Manager Minjin is back with the car and Yoona sees her scowling at anything she comes in contact with. She blinks and creases her forehead as she settles on the passenger's seat, listening to whatever song is on the radio. Almost as if to mock her previous train of thought, it just has to be “Red Light” playing.
This whole f(x)-and-Sulli situation reminds Yoona of their situation with Jessica more than she likes to admit. She knows they made the right decision, and if she has to do it all over again, she'd probably decide the same way. Yoona never heard of a group who just willingly dropped everything for a member who wanted out, even if it is temporary. When Jaejoong, Junsu, and Yoochun filed their lawsuits against the management, Yunho and Changmin had pretty much disappeared from the face of the earth for more than a year. But that was because TVXQ has always been known as a group and back then, very few of them did solo activities. In the case of Super Junior, they carry on with their promotions even when members are in the army. Whenever a SHINee member has an injury or is sick during their comeback season, the others just continue on, or maybe even get other artists to do guest appearances. Even EXO push through with their schedules despite all the news about Kris-no, Yifan-going around. The same can be said for Yoona's own group. Whenever she has dramas to film and they're around the time of a comeback or a concert tour, the group pretty much goes on with or without her. In the case of f(x), the remaining members could have agreed to promote as four, as they did when Amber took a vacation several years ago.
Yoona doesn't consider herself as the nosy type, but from what Heechul and the others who are closer to Sulli have told her, stress is what made Sulli go on hiatus from the group. Stress from what, is what Yoona wonders. Was it stress of being famous or being in a relationship? She doesn't exactly know the details in Sulli and Choiza's relationship, but if it's beginning to come in conflict with her obligations to the group, then one of these has to go.
Manager Minjin drives to the chicken place they like visiting after practice. Yoona throws her hands in the air, cheering as she says, "I want cucumber kimchi" to their manager as she exits the car.
“Are you sure?” Manager Minjin asks, frowning and blinking at Yoona’s direction. When Yoona nods, Minjin shrugs as she closes the door. Yoona usually goes down the car to help carry the food, but the restaurant is crowded tonight and she doesn't want to attract any unnecessary attention.
She ignores the voices of the EXO members singing "Overdose" on the radio as she takes a peek at the manager's back seat, looking for something to entertain her. It looks like her manager has been reading tabloids again. She usually avoids them, as they just irritate her with their rumor-mongering articles, but that headline catches her attention.
“Jessica Jung Releases Official Statement on SNSD Issue”
“It's not too late. Put it down and pretend you never saw it," the rational part of her conscience tells her. However her curiosity gets the best of her, and she reaches for it.
The official statement is just some of the truth, really, and most of it is just lies, lies, and even more lies. Maybe she is overreacting a little bit, but she can’t help but feel like Jessica is trying to do media play and paint herself as the victim.
“Becoming a SNSD member was the greatest thing in my life and I have never thought about quitting.”
Yoona snorts as she reads that line. Never thought about quitting? “Liar,” she mutters as she straightens the paper with more force than necessary.
Jessica had plans to go on hiatus, but management convinced her to do it after one last album. After all, Jessica has many dreams, that sometimes, Yoona wonders if Jessica has ever felt like being in SNSD got in the way of these plans. As Yoona sees it, they did Jessica a favor by relieving her of her duties as their vocalist. Using “kicked out” is a bit too harsh for Yoona’s taste, besides, the word makes them look like the villains Jessica paints them to be.
"Of these days, you'll thank us for this," Yoona mutters, glaring daggers at the photo as if that will make the real Jessica hear her all the way from China.
Based on what the members are saying, most of the fans believe Jessica more than the rest of them. Is that how little faith they have in the management? In them? It looks like Jessica knows this and is playing by people’s sentiments and general low opinion of SM Entertainment. If only they know what's really happening. She shakes her head as she throws the tabloid back to where she found it. The manager opens the door to see Yoona scowling at the pile of newspapers at the back seat.
"I guess you've read it?" she asks. They both know what she's talking about.
Yoona nods. "I guess this is what I get for looking through other people's things," she says, sighing as she digs through the paper bags for her cucumber kimchi. From the corner of her eye, she sees their manager giving her that same weird look from earlier.
“What?” she asks once she spots the container of cucumber kimchi.
As Yoona opens the container, the first thing that catches her attention is the smell of cucumber kimchi. Yoona scowls as she suddenly realizes why Manager Minjin has been giving her weird looks. As she shovels the first spoonful in her mouth and chews with much more vigor than necessary, Jessica’s horrified squeal and disgusted cringe are the first things her mind registers. Yoona feels an evil grin forming on her face as she eats more of the cucumber kimchi, imagining that they’re back on the set of Hello Baby and she’s sticking a cucumber up Jessica’s nose.
“Take that,” she thinks to herself with every mouthful of cucumber kimchi. “See how you can withstand my mighty cucumber breath...”
✮✮✮
Yoona had just arrived from her Chinese lessons, thinking she was already late to practice. When she opened the door to their designated practice room, she expected to be greeted by members lying on the ground, not them trying on several sunglasses and scarves.
“Yoona! This one’s for you!” Jessica said, handing Yoona a sunglass case. “These are some of the products from my brand’s debut collection and I figured that it fits that you guys get first dibs.”
Yoona smiled as she accepted the case and saw the fruit of Jessica’s labor. It still amazed her how Jessica was able to juggle their activities and doing things for the brand. Then again, Jessica had missed several rehearsals just to be able to do her “CEO stuff.” This brand had been Jessica’s passion project for quite a while now, and it was nice to see that things were about to take off.
When Yoona looked at the items, they didn’t look extraordinary. But if there was one thing she was sure of, the sunglasses and the scarves looked like things Jessica would actually wear. Was that what being a designer was all about? Especially since besides being the CEO of her new company, Jessica was also its chief designer. If Yoona understood it correctly, the brand’s design aesthetic was completely in her hands. Jessica was still applying for design schools, and she already had a brand. Yoona wasn’t sure if this was a sign that Jessica was more talented than they thought, or she was just asking for trouble in the future. For her friend’s sake, Yoona hoped with all her heart it was the former.
“Jess! I want this one!” Tiffany said, holding up a pair of sunglasses with pink frames. Of course Tiffany would want the pink one.
“Oooh! This one’s nice too!” Yuri said, holding up a pair of square-shaped glasses. “I think I’ll take this.”
Jessica laughed as she nodded. “Go right ahead and choose which ones you want. But please, leave some for actual buying customers and other friends who I’ll be sending some to.”
As Yoona wore her new sunglasses and made several fake-model faces in front of the mirror, she heard a sigh from somewhere at the left. She stopped and saw Taeyeon looking unhappy from the corner of her eye. Before Yoona could comment on it, Taeyeon bit her lips before she sat down and leaned on the mirror, running a hand through her hair. Taeyeon’s eyes shifted from Jessica and the sunglasses to anything else in the room
Yoona couldn’t help but frown at Taeyeon’s direction. It wasn’t a secret that Taeyeon had given up so much, such as delaying her solo album, just for the group, that SNSD practically became everything to her. But how come Taeyeon couldn’t even pretend to be happy about something that one of them feels so strongly about?
“When’s the launch of the brand?” Hyoyeon asked, effectively catching everyone’s attention.
“The website is up on the 17th,” Jessica said, as she started putting the other sunglasses in their cases. “I still can’t believe it’s finally happening.”
“Wow, you move fast. We seriously thought the brand was going to be launched after you finished design school. But still, we’re really happy for you, Jess,” Tiffany said, wrapping her in a one-armed hug. “Right, guys?”
Yoona nodded, and saw that the others did the same… Well, most of them.
“At least you had some decency to do it after we got back from America,” Taeyeon muttered under her breath as she stood up from her spot at the corner .
Whenever Taeyeon and Jessica would talk outside of recording or practice, the other members had learned to be on their toes. After all, leaving those two in a room for non-professional reasons was simply asking for disaster. No, it wasn’t the type that would cause the world to end, but whatever ice wall they’ve had simply refused to break. No one understood the reason for this, and after Sunny had attempted to ask and then regretted it, no one was brave enough to try it again.
“I’m going to go ask where the choreographer is. That stuff better be cleared by the time I’m back.”
While everyone knew Taeyeon and Jessica were never close, she had never seen Taeyeon act this hostile. This turn of events was definitely something new for Yoona, and judging by the confused looks from the others, for them too.
Thankfully, the flight to the US happened without much incident or drama. Everyone was joking, smiling, and just laughing. They were in America, meaning they needed to speak in English. This was definitely both Jessica and Tiffany’s time to shine, as Yoona always said. Thankfully, Eric Nam was the red carpet host, so there wasn’t going to be any awkward pauses in between, save for when Jessica and Tiffany played translator for the rest of them.
When Eric asked Taeyeon what they’ve been up to, Yoona wondered how their leader would answer. Specially, she wondered whether Taeyeon would promote Jessica’s newest venture or not. After all, most fans would be expecting them to promote it, as they’ve always promoted each other’s individual or sub-unit activities. When she saw Taeyeon point to Tiffany, Yoona thought only two things: Taeyeon didn’t want to comment on Jessica or she just didn’t want to speak English.
“We just wrapped up our Arena Tour with Girls' Generation, all nine of us,” Tiffany said when she took the mic. “And each of our members are slowly going into their solo activities or designing, and the unit album is coming up real soon.” She looked and pointed at Jessica with her thumb when she mentioned the word “designing.”
Yoona had to smile at Tiffany’s enthusiasm and supportiveness for Jessica’s ventures. And it looked as though the fans were also happy for Jessica. Maybe, things could work after all.
Yoona and Jessica lost the rock-paper-scissors game to buy food, so they were in Manager Minjin’s car, waiting for the manager to come back with the kimchi stew Tiffany talked about some time ago. Yoona had fallen asleep, while she remembered Jessica was talking to so many people over the phone.
“Hey, Yoona?” Jessica asked, shaking her awake. “Are you really OK with me doing this? Blanc, I mean?”
Yoona blinked the sleep away from her eyes as she turned to Jessica and nodded. “It’s something you’ve always wanted to do, and now it’s here… Who am I to try and stop you from doing what you love?”
“At least someone is honestly happy for me,” she said as she stared out the window. “I mean, we’re all OK with this right? After the last album, we all go on to do our own things for a while?”
They had agreed on this when they first heard their contracts were about to expire. All of them had their own stuff to do. Taeyeon had a solo album in the making, and Jessica planned to focus on her fashion business. Yoona, Sooyoung, and Yuri had received several movie, drama, and variety show offers respectively, and Seohyun had musicals. Sunny had her radio show and Roommate, while Tiffany and Hyoyeon also had their own plans to make.
“I kind of envy you and Seunggi,” Jessica said, looking at the necklace Yoona was wearing. It was a Christmas gift from Seunggi last year and she wore it whenever she could.
Yoona laughed. It wasn’t like Jessica was lonely. “What happened to that Hong Kong guy you’ve been seeing? How do you pronounce his name again… Ti-, no… Tyler, was it?”
“Oh, everything’s going great... well, almost,” Jessica whispered that last part that Yoona almost missed it.
Yoona frowned. She could think of a few reasons Jessica would be jealous of her relationship with Seunggi but she didn’t want to make any assumptions. “What’s the problem then?”
“Unfortunately, no one seems to like Tyler,” Jessica sighed. “Not you guys, not my sister, and most of all, my parents have yet to warm up to him. Even if we’ve had him over for dinner so many times.”
“I don’t know about Krystal or your parents, but in our case, it’s not like we don’t like him,” Yoona said, folding her arms. “We just don’t trust him hanging around you all the time. Especially when you’re flying off to America, Hong Kong, or China all by yourself.”
“Why not? I mean, he’s friends with Joonhyung,” Jessica said, reminding Yoona how they first met.
“I still don’t trust him, unni,” Yoona said. Although Hyoyeon’s ex-boyfriend was a decent guy, Yoona still felt there was something off about him, and his being friends with this Tyler Kwon guy didn’t really sit well with her. “And… hold up. He’s had dinner with your parents several times?!”
Besides introducing Seunggi to her father once during New Year, when the news of them dating first came out, there wasn’t any further interaction. After all, they’re still getting to know each other. In Jessica’s case, it looked like things were getting serious.
“Krystal always makes excuses not to see him, preferring to have dinner at Amber’s or Victoria’s place,” Jessica groaned. “I don’t want my sister and possible future husband to not get along.”
The last part of that sentence had Yoona sitting up straight, all thoughts of sleep and fatigue banished. “Excuse me? Future husband?”
Jessica smiled. It was the kind of smile she had whenever she expected something, but was disappointed it happened at the same time.
“I want to get married, Yoona. And I think Tyler’s the one,” Jessica said. Yoona had never seen her look so sure of anything. “I’ve been talking to the company and some of the others about this for some time. And my parents also know.”
It was too fast for Yoona’s liking. Jessica had only met Tyler more or less a year ago, and now she’s entertaining thoughts of marriage? Well, of course, they’re at that age where some of them wanted to get married. All nine of them had joked about it among themselves several times, but now that they were talking about it seriously, Yoona was unsure how to react.
“What did the company say?”
“Nothing, yet. They still don’t want to talk about it.”
“As expected,” Yoona thought to herself.
“I can’t do this anymore, Yoona. It’s sad, but I will get my life back.”
“What do you mean?” This isn’t the first time Jessica had said this. She already said this in Japan some time last month. Back then, Yoona thought it was just being exhausted from the concert and of course, working on her brand. This time, it sounded more serious, almost as if Jessica was done with the group, with them.
“Next year, I plan to study abroad. I’m looking into schools,” Jessica smiled, almost lost in her thoughts. “But then, since the schools need me to either take the SATs or pass a design portfolio, I had to launch the brand ahead of schedule. I needed to have something to show by the time I go to New York.”
Yoona frowned as she digested the information. It sounded like Jessica was going at it without a concrete plan and that scared her. “What’s the hurry though?” she asked. “We still have one album to do before you go on hiatus, right?”
Jessica nodded. “Of course, but I can’t just stop now. The opportunity is already here and I have to go full steam ahead while I still can. It sounds pathetic, I know, but I have to get my life back. I gave up so many years for us, for the fans. I just want to get my life outside of that back.”
“But we practically signed our lives to the company for at least three more years,” was what Yoona wanted to say.
“We have at most three years left,” Jessica continued, holding Yoona’s hand. “It’s time we started preparing for life after this. Maybe you should start upping your acting resume, so that people will finally see you as the serious, talented actress you can become.”
Yoona wasn’t sure that she liked where this was heading. Ever since Jessica put up her business, they’ve been scheduling their activities wherein she was free. It wasn’t the same as whenever Yoona had drama filming and the rest would go on without her. They were trying to keep Jessica for as long as they could before she headed to fulfill her dreams outside of the group. Yoona herself wasn’t sure where she wanted to go just yet. Maybe Jessica was right. This was the best time to hone her acting craft and maybe make a future out of it. Then again, she’d rather think about that when she got there. Now, she believed in focusing on what’s in front of her, right here, right now.
“Do you really think I have what it takes to become an actress people will take seriously?” Yoona asked, not liking the feeling currently developing in her gut. “Or are you just trying to get me to do solo stuff so you’ll feel less guilty about not being with the group?”
In a heartbeat, Jessica answered, “Both.”
Despite what she felt, Yoona couldn’t help but laugh along with Jessica.
“Where is she?”
Yoona, Sooyoung, and Yuri stopped their fooling around to look at Taeyeon. It seemed like they were the only ones who heard her, as Seohyun, Hyoyeon, and Sunny were still lying down on the couches, trying to catch their breaths. Tiffany was talking to their manager about TaeTiSeo’s concept meeting with the producers.
“Where’s Jessica?” Taeyeon asked, raising her voice. “She promised she was going to be here. But we’re already done for today and she’s still not here.”
The other seven stopped whatever they were doing and exchanged looks, varying from confusion to outright cluelessness. This wasn’t the first time Jessica was late for recording. One would think Taeyeon was used to this by now, but lately she had been acting like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
Right on cue, Jessica burst into the recording room. “Sorry I’m late!” she said, once she closed the door. “I’m ready to go!”
Taeyeon’s face was unreadable, but it didn’t take a genius to see she was displeased. “We just finished,” she said, sitting down on the floor, keeping her eyes away from Jessica.
Jessica sighed. “Look. I already said I was sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow at Jessica. “Well, we’re done for today,” she said, still not looking at Jessica. “Won’t happen again? How many times have you said that, and it happens every time. You promise you’ll come, but something suddenly comes up with your business, and then you end up forgetting about us. Explain.”
“A lot came up during the meeting, OK?” Jessica said, throwing her hands in the air. “It’s hard work, being a CEO. I think I’ve developed some sort of respect for Sooman-seonsaengnim and Youngmin-sajangnim now that I’m running my own company.”
“Fine,” Taeyeon sighed, rubbing her temples. “We’ll run it through with you again, but only if it’s alright with the others.”
“There’s that line Jessica and I will be singing together, so we need to fix that,” Sunny said, grinning.
“Same here,” Tiffany agreed. “We’ll be harmonizing, so we need to do that part too.”
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow, considering that minutes ago, Sunny was on the floor, wanting to go home and sleep. But now, she was up and running, acting as if she was never tired.
They all knew that Jessica was going to be busier than ever now that her company was finally up and running. However, even before Jessica got anything started, she had promised that SNSD was always going to come first. To her credit, she was trying her best to make things work. Doing solo activities and fulfilling their responsibilities to the group wasn’t easy. It never was. That was why Yoona felt she understood where Jessica was coming from more than anyone else.
They were recording what was going to be the last album as a group before they focused on their individual activities. Though this wasn’t necessarily goodbye, it still felt a little sad. Some of them, like Yuri and herself, had already dropped to the floor. They watched Sooyoung’s drama on TV and made fun of her rather than listen to the ones recording.
“No, Jessica! You’re too sharp in that line!” the arranger shouted from the other side of the recording booth. “Sing that line again.”
Jessica nodded as she tried singing the line as instructed. The arranger shook his head. “Again.”
Jessica took a deep breath as she was about to sing the line, when a phone rang.
“Sorry! That’s mine!” Jessica said as she removed the headphones and dashed straight for her bag where her phone was.
“Hello?” she said, ignoring everyone else’s bemused faces.
From the corner of her eye, Yoona caught Taeyeon exchange blank faces with Sunny before sighing. There was nothing any of them could do, as they were all just waiting for Jessica to finish recording her parts for the album. They all watched Jessica pace around, throwing her hands in the air. When Jessica was done, she ran back into the recording room, grabbed her bag, and would have run out the door if Tiffany didn’t grab onto her arm.
“What happened?” Tiffany asked, frowning.
“Sorry. Emergency! I have to go now!”
All of them started standing up, asking all sorts of questions. Yoona remembered asking “Did something happen to Krystal? Or your parents?” When Jessica shook her head, that stopped them in their tracks.
“What kind of emergency is it then?”
Jessica sighed as she looked out the door. “Something happened with the shipment of the scarves to Beijing. I have to check out what happened at Customs.”
She was about to walk out the door when Tiffany asked. “But what about recording? It’s just a few more lines for this song. We’ll be continuing the rest tomorrow.”
Jessica shook her head even harder, eyes moving back and forth between the door knob and the rest of them. “I’m sorry, I can’t stay to finish this. I really need to check this one out now. What if something happens and I can’t do business in China? I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. I really have to go now!”
“It’s past midnight, unni. Government offices are closed by now,” Seohyun pointed out. “It’s more logical to call them first thing tomorrow morning than to rush to wherever at this time.”
Personally, Yoona agreed with Seohyun on that one. They still had to finish recording this song. The sooner it was done, the less work for them later on. It was just a few more lines to finish, and maybe they could all finally go home and sleep. If they were lucky, they could finally finish recording the album by the end of the week.
Jessica sighed as she sat back down, typing something on her phone before she stowed it back in her bag. “OK. Fine. Where were we before that? Let’s finish this.”
Despite her determination to finish recording, Jessica’s mind obviously wasn’t in the room with the rest of them anymore. She kept singing the wrong lines or going off-key, much to the arrangers’ frustration. Yoona had long given up on keeping track after the fifth time they had to stop.
Yoona found herself being shaken awake by Hyoyeon. “Come on. We’re going home. The van’s outside.”
She nodded her thanks as she stretched her limbs. As she followed Hyoyeon out the room, she bumped into the former who was leaning against the door of the recording booth, with a finger on her lips.
“We’ll let this pass, since we finished recording the song,” Taeyeon hissed. “Consider this conversation a warning.”
“Look. I’m sorry I panicked,” Jessica said with a sigh. “I just… I just don’t want Blanc to go down in flames before the brand can earn its place in the fashion world.”
“You better get your priorities straight, Jessica.”
NEXT
Character: Yoona, Yoona/Jessica friendship
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 24,730
Summary: Jessica is no longer a member of SNSD, and Yoona wonders if it’s all her fault
Warning:[Spoiler (click to open)]some rumors used as facts
Prompt Used: Solo Day by B1A4 (lyrics) and the last line of the supplementary prompt
Note: This is possibly the most emotionally draining fic I've written for the Kpop fandom. I was a bit out of loop with the SNSD fandom when I decided to write this. Written for the 2015 Cycle of kpop_olymfics. Original entry here. Also posted on AO3.
It’s a familiar sight, yet it feels so foreign at the same time. Yoona takes in the pastel rose sea, letting its lights be the only thing she sees. She loathes this feeling-the uneasiness, the need for shelter, and the longing for silence-and she hates that she still has to smile and laugh despite all this. She wants to lose herself in the lights and blasting background music she’s heard on loop for months. She hopes the monotony of the familiar tunes and the warmth and comfort of the bright lights take her elsewhere, so she closes her eyes. The shouts get incoherent and the lights all become one to her as she seeks her happy place.
For once in her life, she can’t bring herself to fake a smile despite what she feels inside. The fans will understand why they’re being like this. Yoona can almost roll her eyes at the irony of it all. This whole fanmeet, called Girls Generation First Party in Shenzhen, feels like anything but a party.
Reality bites her as she opens her eyes. She’s still stuck onstage, looking at a sea of fans asking for answers that aren’t there. She can’t bear to look at anything else, let alone the other members standing on stage with her. They all have their ways of dealing with misery, fatigue, and whatever else it is each of them are feeling right now. Earlier, Yuri let the fans do what she didn’t have the strength to do herself-sing Jessica’s parts on their behalf. Yoona can’t blame her. After all, she would have done the same had she been the one tasked to do what she feels is impossible. It is easy to fill in for someone who is eventually going to come back, but to erase someone from history? It is going to be a grueling process. After all, there is evidence that once upon a time, things were different and everything was perfect.
She walks on the stage, trying her best to interact with the fans who came all the way to see them despite all this. As she reaches out to shake hands with a fan holding up a banner with her name on it, something else makes her stop in her tracks. It’s another banner. It isn’t supposed to be anything special, but the words behind it bear a heavy meaning.
“8+1 = Complete”
Even the fans refuse to move forward. After all, she knows it’s too much for them to take in. The emotions are still at an all time high, and she’s amazed at how quickly they are able to come up with these things. Then again, Yoona knows better than anyone not to doubt SONES’ magic powers and capacity to perform miracles. She wonders, if she wishes for things to stop being so complicated, will any SONE be able to grant her wish? She would chuckle at her own wit if she was alone in the comfort of her own mind. But, she is still up onstage, and there are people watching every move she makes. One smile could spiral into something beyond her control and she can’t let that happen. Besides, she isn’t in any mood for any happiness anyway.
Letting her gaze wander around the stage as they sing “Complete,” Yoona sees Seohyun standing in the middle, crying as she tries to sing her lines. She looks vulnerable and confused-a first in their more than ten years of friendship. She exhales through her nose, grits her teeth, and clenches her fists as she makes her way to the younger girl. Just as she’s inches away from her friend, she sees the spot where Seohyun’s eyes are focused on. Oh. It’s the sea of pink lights. Yoona internally sighs as she feels her eyes get wet as she stares at that part of the pink ocean she has been willing herself to ignore all night. Those “J” lightsticks that have made their presence known and felt, ruining the tranquility she seeks in those lights. She and Seohyun have their arms around each other as they walk back to the main stage, where the lights aren’t as harsh and blinding. They have to hold themselves together-for the fans, but most of all, for themselves.
Before Yoona can move away, she feels a gentle tug at her arm. She locks eyes with Seohyun, who whispers, “Did they come for us, or for her?”
She usually has a smart (or stupid, if you look at it from Seohyun’s opinion) comeback for these kinds of questions, but for once, she finds herself at a loss for words. She herself doesn’t know the answer to that. She shrugs at Seohyun, who looks so desperate for some kind of magic-a joke, an answer, or a miracle, or anything-to take their minds off this reality. She’s unsure which one of them whispers, “Don’t let me go,” as they head back to the other members. Yoona feels her fingers digging deep into Seohyun’s skin, as though clinging to her will keep her from drifting away from reality.
It isn’t easier, as they struggle to answer the questions the host asks them. The questions aren’t difficult, but the fans who make things harder for them than necessary. Yoona wonders how the fans can’t understand that the only reason the eight of them standing in front of them haven’t broken down on stage crying was for them, the faithful fans who came all this way for this. It isn’t easy holding it all in. Each time someone else speaks, her voice gets lost amidst the fans chanting “Jessica!” over and over again. Yes, she knows the fans are hurt and confused by everything, but don’t they realize that what they’re doing is hurting the rest of them up on stage?
Jessica’s gone, but the pink lights still shine for her, as much as for the rest of them.
It’s not fair.
✮✮✮
“Have you ever imagined life beyond this?”
Yoona almost dropped the script she’d been studying at the sound of the Jessica’s voice. She was supposed to be home alone, since she was given time to study the script for a movie offer to see if this was meant to be her first big screen role, but it looked like those plans had changed.
“Nice of you to drop by, stranger,” she said, smiling at Jessica who settled on the couch’s space Yoona hadn’t occupied.
It’s been years since most of them moved out of their dorm. In her case, she lived there during promotions and then just went home when she wasn’t. Rehearsals ended late the night before and she was too tired to go home, so she ended up crashing at the dorm. Some of the other members were out recording their parts, so she had some time to think whether she wanted to do that film or not. As she read the character brief for the film, she wondered if this was the role that would finally convince people that she was a serious actress, and not just another idol trying to act. If she were to ask the other members’ opinions on it, she knew they’d tell her to go for it.
Then again, she wondered if it was worth it. None of her dramas had seen success after You Are My Destiny which was back in 2008. She wondered if the lack of ratings were her fault. She thought so. Scratch that. She knew it. All her leading men had been bankable in their own right. Yoona bet ratings would have blown the roofs off if other leading ladies took her roles instead. She sighed as she threw the script on the coffee table.
“What did this ever do to you?” Jessica asked, laughing as she picked up the papers which ended up falling to the floor.
Yoona blinked as she stared at the script, which Jessica was reading. She almost forgot she wasn’t alone.
“You never answered my question.”
Yoona frowned as she tried to think of an answer. In all honesty, maybe she had, but not in full detail. She’d always known that SNSD wasn’t meant to last. They all knew that. In her heart, she admitted that she wanted to stay with the group for as long as she could. After all, SNSD was all she’d ever known for the past nine years. Sure, she had a lot more solo activities and endorsements compared to some of the other members, but in her heart, she’d always been SNSD’s Yoona. Sometimes, she wondered what would happen to her once the SNSD part was gone.
“What do you mean?” she asked, peering into Jessica’s brown eyes as though they’d provide her some sort of clue.
Jessica chuckled as she flipped the pages of the script. “You know. What are your plans once our contracts end… again?”
They had all renewed their contracts with SM Entertainment weeks ago. This time, the contracts were a lot shorter and a lot more flexible, each according to the girls’ preferences. Yoona’s was meant to last for at least three more years, and then she’d see what happened from there. After all, her contract with SM Entertainment was for both as a member of SNSD and as an actress. If she would be honest with herself, she wanted the group to last for as long as they all wanted it to. If not, then, maybe she could try and see where acting will take her. She still had some time to improve her skills, but she was uncertain if she was ready to ask for more challenging roles. She wasn’t even sure if directors and producers were willing to cast her in any role that went against her image as SNSD’s Yoona. How did they expect her to grow if that was the case? Maybe not now, but in a few years. She only hoped time was still on her side.
“I… I mean, I’ve wondered, but I never completely thought about it,” she said, scratching her head. “Why’d you ask?”
Jessica shrugged as she settled her feet on Yoona’s lap, after the latter gave up repeatedly putting them off. “I love what we’re doing now, and I couldn’t be happier about how far we’ve come. But I was just thinking. There’s still a lot I want to do, and we’re not getting any younger,” she said. “I mean, I’m glad things are slowly falling into place with my brand, but I can’t stop there. I feel like there’s so much more I have to do with my life.”
Yoona nodded as she took this all in. She wondered how Jessica still had time to figure this out, despite their crazy schedules. She herself found it amazing she was able to juggle university and being a member of Korea’s most in-demand girl group. Yoona didn’t know if she could imagine a life outside the entertainment industry. This was what she always wanted, and she knew this was the life she signed up for the moment she lined up outside SM Entertainment that fateful morning. This was all she’d ever known and all she’d ever dreamed of. She couldn’t fathom a future beyond this. Was she ambitionless for thinking this way?
“No, you’re not ambitionless,” Jessica said, shaking her head. Yoona almost wondered if she said that out loud. Then again, they knew each other’s nuances all too well by now. “This is what you dreamed of and you’re doing what you can to get to where you want to be. I just… I just have other goals to fulfill. I want to study designing and make my brand the best it can be. Unlike you, I don’t think I’m meant to stay in entertainment once we’re done here.”
“Right, and I’m the world’s greatest actress,” Yoona snorted as she watched Jessica finish reading the movie script. Jessica was probably one of the most in-demand members of the group, and she had her sister Krystal in the entertainment industry with her. They could do that whole sister-act thing, whether their contracts were done or not.
Jessica put the script back in Yoona’s hands before she stood up and stretched. As she twisted her body back and forth, she smiled as she pointed to the script. “Based on the script alone, I think you should take that role,” she said. “I know our Yoona’s going to be awesome.”
Before Yoona could say anything else, Jessica had already walked over to the kitchen. She would have moved to follow, but the other members who were out recording suddenly started arriving and both Sooyoung and Yuri had pounced on her, teasing her about becoming a big star in China.
“A big star… All alone? Without the rest of you? Yeah right.”
✮✮✮
“We did it for the group,” Taeyeon says, as they stand in the practice room, waiting for their choreographer to arrive. Yoona remembers this is also what Taeyeon told the fans at the TaeTiSeo fanmeet that took place when they got back from China. Yoona wonders if their leader managed to convince the fans. She swears people don’t give the fans enough credit. They are probably some of the most determined people there, not to mention unforgiving. The memories of that time Yunho was poisoned by an anti-fan still haunt her, despite it being practically another lifetime ago. She’s not putting past livid Jessica supporters to try and do the same to her or any of the other members. The thought of that happening gives her chills
“I have half a mind to lock my Instagram account and report every single person who leaves comments about Jessica on my posts,” Hyoyeon says as she looks at her phone.
Sooyoung, Sunny, and Seohyun all nod. This is why they’ve been avoiding updating their social media accounts for the past few days. No one has gotten over the bomb the management dropped on everyone. This is the reason Yoona prefers not to have any social media accounts publicized to the world. Sure, it is a way to connect with the fans, but it also means being at the mercy of the world. It makes it easier for them to look into life behind the scenes, to read into things too deeply, to take mundane thoughts out of context, and worst of all, it makes idols like herself open targets to bashers and haters. With this issue surrounding them, she can only imagine what sort of death sentences people are wishing on them right now.
“I wouldn’t go so far as reporting them,” Yuri says. “It’s going to be impossible to report thousands of people at once.”
“We have a long day ahead of us,” Tiffany claps her hands to get their attention, getting into Manager-Hwang mode. “There’s choreography to re-learn and spacing to keep in mind. Come on! Let’s go!”
Their choreographer nods from the front of the room. “Let’s try to make this as easy and painless as possible. Some of you still have other stuff to work on.”
That clipped tone is enough for all of them to get into position and start focusing on more pressing matters than a member who’s packed her bags and left.
The SMTown concert is going to happen in three days, and that’s how much time they have to regroup and act as if nothing happened. Everything is changing, and Yoona knows she has to catch up with the times. There are several changes in blocking, now that there’s one less girl to share the stage with. Besides having to cover for Sooyoung’s parts, now they also have to learn Jessica’s parts. The difference is that Sooyoung will be back, but Jessica? No. She’s never coming back and it’s high time everyone gets used to it.
It’s a lot easier said than done, once Yoona thinks about it. They’re working on everything, but it doesn’t help that they’re all messing up so badly. If not bumping into each other, they end up stepping on each other’s feet. Yoona doesn’t even know why she’s keeping track, when it has never bothered her before.
“Ouch!” Yuri shouts from the side. As the music stops, Yoona realizes that she forgot to step forward to make way for Yuri to sing her part. Shit. This isn’t the first time it has happened. Luckily, it was just the beginning of the song, so starting from the top was no big deal.
“Come on,” Tiffany says, clapping her hands, trying to motivate everyone else. “Let’s focus, girls!”
Yoona can practically feel the desperation in her voice. Tiffany is doing her best to keep it together, trying too hard if Yoona wants to look into it. She can practically see the imaginary cracks in that cheery front Tiffany’s trying to put up.
Yoona sighs and gets into position as the music plays again. It’s almost as if they’re learning everything for the first time. Aside from colliding into each other and getting confused between the old and new formations, she thinks they’re doing just fine.
Yoona is getting into another formation when she hears two voices shout “Ouch!” almost at the same time. She swears she hears Taeyeon and Hyoyeon groan from either side of her. They all turn around to see Yuri, Tiffany, and Sunny in some sort of heap. The rest of them just sigh as they help the three up.
“Yuri, can we please STOP screwing up?” Taeyeon asks, with her hands on her hips. “We don’t have TIME for this, and you are just making things difficult.”
“We’re not the only ones making mistakes, oh great leader,” Yuri mutters under her breath. Yoona immediately positions herself in front of Yuri, and Tiffany does the same for Taeyeon. They exchange quick nods, clearly thinking the same thing. They can’t have any more fighting going on. Their situation is already tough and having two members not talking to each other is just going to make things even harder.
Lucky for them, Manager Minjin comes in before anything can happen. “Maybe it’s time for dinner,” the older woman says as she leans against the door frame.
The choreographer nods. “Maybe once you’ve all eaten, we’ll get stuff done.”
All eight of them file out of the room without saying a word to each other. Yoona still has an arm around Yuri, while Tiffany is trying to soothe Taeyeon’s temper.
Despite joining the game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who goes out to buy food without really paying attention, Yoona has no idea what she wants to eat. She’s about to completely let her mind wander, until she realizes she’s lost the game.
Hyoyeon shouts something about wanting bubble tea, while Seohyun goes on to say something about eating healthier options like sweet potatoes. Yoona laughs but she doesn't take them seriously, since she knows she’ll probably get whatever food their manager suggests. Then again, the idea of getting skewered potatoes is more than tempting.
Before she and Manager Minjin walk out of the practice room, Yoona pulls Seohyun aside. “Make sure they don’t kill each other before dinner arrives,” she whispers, nodding at Yuri and Taeyeon’s direction.
“We’ll make sure they’re both alive by the time you bring food,” Seohyun chuckles as she opens the door for Yoona.
She hears music from one of the other rooms nearby. It's not surprising, considering the SMTown concert in Japan was happening soon. What catches her attention though, is the music playing. The lyrics are familiar, yet the title evades her memory at first. She turns to ask her manager what song is playing, only for the older lady to tell her that she'll be getting the car and for her to wait. Yoona nods as she sits on the nearest bench, twiddling her thumbs and blowing at her stray hair strands.
“Ay Ay It’s a Red Light, Light 이건 실제상황 뭐가 잘못된 건지도 몰라”
So it's f(x) practicing in the room near theirs. Manager Minjin is taking some time, so she entertains herself by watching the group rehearse their song. When she counts the members in the room, she notices there are only four of them in there.
Oh right. Sulli's still "on hiatus" from group activities.
As she watches them execute the choreography as four, she wonders how they can pull it off naturally. They don't seem to suffer that confusion of trying to not to bump into each other as they perform the dance. None of them also have that problem of trying to fill an empty space. Shouldn't it be more challenging for them since they're only five, and the absence of one makes an even more glaring hole compared to nine girls? The music stops and Yoona hears laughter. She sees Victoria patting Amber's head, while Luna and Krystal are curled on the floor, laughing at Amber's mortified expression. How are they able to laugh and joke about this? How could they act as if Sulli is going to come back and everything will be right again?
Now that she thinks about it, she wonders how the other members of f(x) felt when Sulli announced her sudden decision to go on hiatus. Was it something they'd known she planned for long, that's why they agreed to just stop promotions for Red Light just like that?
Before she can come up with an answer, Manager Minjin is back with the car and Yoona sees her scowling at anything she comes in contact with. She blinks and creases her forehead as she settles on the passenger's seat, listening to whatever song is on the radio. Almost as if to mock her previous train of thought, it just has to be “Red Light” playing.
This whole f(x)-and-Sulli situation reminds Yoona of their situation with Jessica more than she likes to admit. She knows they made the right decision, and if she has to do it all over again, she'd probably decide the same way. Yoona never heard of a group who just willingly dropped everything for a member who wanted out, even if it is temporary. When Jaejoong, Junsu, and Yoochun filed their lawsuits against the management, Yunho and Changmin had pretty much disappeared from the face of the earth for more than a year. But that was because TVXQ has always been known as a group and back then, very few of them did solo activities. In the case of Super Junior, they carry on with their promotions even when members are in the army. Whenever a SHINee member has an injury or is sick during their comeback season, the others just continue on, or maybe even get other artists to do guest appearances. Even EXO push through with their schedules despite all the news about Kris-no, Yifan-going around. The same can be said for Yoona's own group. Whenever she has dramas to film and they're around the time of a comeback or a concert tour, the group pretty much goes on with or without her. In the case of f(x), the remaining members could have agreed to promote as four, as they did when Amber took a vacation several years ago.
Yoona doesn't consider herself as the nosy type, but from what Heechul and the others who are closer to Sulli have told her, stress is what made Sulli go on hiatus from the group. Stress from what, is what Yoona wonders. Was it stress of being famous or being in a relationship? She doesn't exactly know the details in Sulli and Choiza's relationship, but if it's beginning to come in conflict with her obligations to the group, then one of these has to go.
Manager Minjin drives to the chicken place they like visiting after practice. Yoona throws her hands in the air, cheering as she says, "I want cucumber kimchi" to their manager as she exits the car.
“Are you sure?” Manager Minjin asks, frowning and blinking at Yoona’s direction. When Yoona nods, Minjin shrugs as she closes the door. Yoona usually goes down the car to help carry the food, but the restaurant is crowded tonight and she doesn't want to attract any unnecessary attention.
She ignores the voices of the EXO members singing "Overdose" on the radio as she takes a peek at the manager's back seat, looking for something to entertain her. It looks like her manager has been reading tabloids again. She usually avoids them, as they just irritate her with their rumor-mongering articles, but that headline catches her attention.
“Jessica Jung Releases Official Statement on SNSD Issue”
“It's not too late. Put it down and pretend you never saw it," the rational part of her conscience tells her. However her curiosity gets the best of her, and she reaches for it.
The official statement is just some of the truth, really, and most of it is just lies, lies, and even more lies. Maybe she is overreacting a little bit, but she can’t help but feel like Jessica is trying to do media play and paint herself as the victim.
“Becoming a SNSD member was the greatest thing in my life and I have never thought about quitting.”
Yoona snorts as she reads that line. Never thought about quitting? “Liar,” she mutters as she straightens the paper with more force than necessary.
Jessica had plans to go on hiatus, but management convinced her to do it after one last album. After all, Jessica has many dreams, that sometimes, Yoona wonders if Jessica has ever felt like being in SNSD got in the way of these plans. As Yoona sees it, they did Jessica a favor by relieving her of her duties as their vocalist. Using “kicked out” is a bit too harsh for Yoona’s taste, besides, the word makes them look like the villains Jessica paints them to be.
"Of these days, you'll thank us for this," Yoona mutters, glaring daggers at the photo as if that will make the real Jessica hear her all the way from China.
Based on what the members are saying, most of the fans believe Jessica more than the rest of them. Is that how little faith they have in the management? In them? It looks like Jessica knows this and is playing by people’s sentiments and general low opinion of SM Entertainment. If only they know what's really happening. She shakes her head as she throws the tabloid back to where she found it. The manager opens the door to see Yoona scowling at the pile of newspapers at the back seat.
"I guess you've read it?" she asks. They both know what she's talking about.
Yoona nods. "I guess this is what I get for looking through other people's things," she says, sighing as she digs through the paper bags for her cucumber kimchi. From the corner of her eye, she sees their manager giving her that same weird look from earlier.
“What?” she asks once she spots the container of cucumber kimchi.
As Yoona opens the container, the first thing that catches her attention is the smell of cucumber kimchi. Yoona scowls as she suddenly realizes why Manager Minjin has been giving her weird looks. As she shovels the first spoonful in her mouth and chews with much more vigor than necessary, Jessica’s horrified squeal and disgusted cringe are the first things her mind registers. Yoona feels an evil grin forming on her face as she eats more of the cucumber kimchi, imagining that they’re back on the set of Hello Baby and she’s sticking a cucumber up Jessica’s nose.
“Take that,” she thinks to herself with every mouthful of cucumber kimchi. “See how you can withstand my mighty cucumber breath...”
✮✮✮
Yoona had just arrived from her Chinese lessons, thinking she was already late to practice. When she opened the door to their designated practice room, she expected to be greeted by members lying on the ground, not them trying on several sunglasses and scarves.
“Yoona! This one’s for you!” Jessica said, handing Yoona a sunglass case. “These are some of the products from my brand’s debut collection and I figured that it fits that you guys get first dibs.”
Yoona smiled as she accepted the case and saw the fruit of Jessica’s labor. It still amazed her how Jessica was able to juggle their activities and doing things for the brand. Then again, Jessica had missed several rehearsals just to be able to do her “CEO stuff.” This brand had been Jessica’s passion project for quite a while now, and it was nice to see that things were about to take off.
When Yoona looked at the items, they didn’t look extraordinary. But if there was one thing she was sure of, the sunglasses and the scarves looked like things Jessica would actually wear. Was that what being a designer was all about? Especially since besides being the CEO of her new company, Jessica was also its chief designer. If Yoona understood it correctly, the brand’s design aesthetic was completely in her hands. Jessica was still applying for design schools, and she already had a brand. Yoona wasn’t sure if this was a sign that Jessica was more talented than they thought, or she was just asking for trouble in the future. For her friend’s sake, Yoona hoped with all her heart it was the former.
“Jess! I want this one!” Tiffany said, holding up a pair of sunglasses with pink frames. Of course Tiffany would want the pink one.
“Oooh! This one’s nice too!” Yuri said, holding up a pair of square-shaped glasses. “I think I’ll take this.”
Jessica laughed as she nodded. “Go right ahead and choose which ones you want. But please, leave some for actual buying customers and other friends who I’ll be sending some to.”
As Yoona wore her new sunglasses and made several fake-model faces in front of the mirror, she heard a sigh from somewhere at the left. She stopped and saw Taeyeon looking unhappy from the corner of her eye. Before Yoona could comment on it, Taeyeon bit her lips before she sat down and leaned on the mirror, running a hand through her hair. Taeyeon’s eyes shifted from Jessica and the sunglasses to anything else in the room
Yoona couldn’t help but frown at Taeyeon’s direction. It wasn’t a secret that Taeyeon had given up so much, such as delaying her solo album, just for the group, that SNSD practically became everything to her. But how come Taeyeon couldn’t even pretend to be happy about something that one of them feels so strongly about?
“When’s the launch of the brand?” Hyoyeon asked, effectively catching everyone’s attention.
“The website is up on the 17th,” Jessica said, as she started putting the other sunglasses in their cases. “I still can’t believe it’s finally happening.”
“Wow, you move fast. We seriously thought the brand was going to be launched after you finished design school. But still, we’re really happy for you, Jess,” Tiffany said, wrapping her in a one-armed hug. “Right, guys?”
Yoona nodded, and saw that the others did the same… Well, most of them.
“At least you had some decency to do it after we got back from America,” Taeyeon muttered under her breath as she stood up from her spot at the corner .
Whenever Taeyeon and Jessica would talk outside of recording or practice, the other members had learned to be on their toes. After all, leaving those two in a room for non-professional reasons was simply asking for disaster. No, it wasn’t the type that would cause the world to end, but whatever ice wall they’ve had simply refused to break. No one understood the reason for this, and after Sunny had attempted to ask and then regretted it, no one was brave enough to try it again.
“I’m going to go ask where the choreographer is. That stuff better be cleared by the time I’m back.”
While everyone knew Taeyeon and Jessica were never close, she had never seen Taeyeon act this hostile. This turn of events was definitely something new for Yoona, and judging by the confused looks from the others, for them too.
Thankfully, the flight to the US happened without much incident or drama. Everyone was joking, smiling, and just laughing. They were in America, meaning they needed to speak in English. This was definitely both Jessica and Tiffany’s time to shine, as Yoona always said. Thankfully, Eric Nam was the red carpet host, so there wasn’t going to be any awkward pauses in between, save for when Jessica and Tiffany played translator for the rest of them.
When Eric asked Taeyeon what they’ve been up to, Yoona wondered how their leader would answer. Specially, she wondered whether Taeyeon would promote Jessica’s newest venture or not. After all, most fans would be expecting them to promote it, as they’ve always promoted each other’s individual or sub-unit activities. When she saw Taeyeon point to Tiffany, Yoona thought only two things: Taeyeon didn’t want to comment on Jessica or she just didn’t want to speak English.
“We just wrapped up our Arena Tour with Girls' Generation, all nine of us,” Tiffany said when she took the mic. “And each of our members are slowly going into their solo activities or designing, and the unit album is coming up real soon.” She looked and pointed at Jessica with her thumb when she mentioned the word “designing.”
Yoona had to smile at Tiffany’s enthusiasm and supportiveness for Jessica’s ventures. And it looked as though the fans were also happy for Jessica. Maybe, things could work after all.
Yoona and Jessica lost the rock-paper-scissors game to buy food, so they were in Manager Minjin’s car, waiting for the manager to come back with the kimchi stew Tiffany talked about some time ago. Yoona had fallen asleep, while she remembered Jessica was talking to so many people over the phone.
“Hey, Yoona?” Jessica asked, shaking her awake. “Are you really OK with me doing this? Blanc, I mean?”
Yoona blinked the sleep away from her eyes as she turned to Jessica and nodded. “It’s something you’ve always wanted to do, and now it’s here… Who am I to try and stop you from doing what you love?”
“At least someone is honestly happy for me,” she said as she stared out the window. “I mean, we’re all OK with this right? After the last album, we all go on to do our own things for a while?”
They had agreed on this when they first heard their contracts were about to expire. All of them had their own stuff to do. Taeyeon had a solo album in the making, and Jessica planned to focus on her fashion business. Yoona, Sooyoung, and Yuri had received several movie, drama, and variety show offers respectively, and Seohyun had musicals. Sunny had her radio show and Roommate, while Tiffany and Hyoyeon also had their own plans to make.
“I kind of envy you and Seunggi,” Jessica said, looking at the necklace Yoona was wearing. It was a Christmas gift from Seunggi last year and she wore it whenever she could.
Yoona laughed. It wasn’t like Jessica was lonely. “What happened to that Hong Kong guy you’ve been seeing? How do you pronounce his name again… Ti-, no… Tyler, was it?”
“Oh, everything’s going great... well, almost,” Jessica whispered that last part that Yoona almost missed it.
Yoona frowned. She could think of a few reasons Jessica would be jealous of her relationship with Seunggi but she didn’t want to make any assumptions. “What’s the problem then?”
“Unfortunately, no one seems to like Tyler,” Jessica sighed. “Not you guys, not my sister, and most of all, my parents have yet to warm up to him. Even if we’ve had him over for dinner so many times.”
“I don’t know about Krystal or your parents, but in our case, it’s not like we don’t like him,” Yoona said, folding her arms. “We just don’t trust him hanging around you all the time. Especially when you’re flying off to America, Hong Kong, or China all by yourself.”
“Why not? I mean, he’s friends with Joonhyung,” Jessica said, reminding Yoona how they first met.
“I still don’t trust him, unni,” Yoona said. Although Hyoyeon’s ex-boyfriend was a decent guy, Yoona still felt there was something off about him, and his being friends with this Tyler Kwon guy didn’t really sit well with her. “And… hold up. He’s had dinner with your parents several times?!”
Besides introducing Seunggi to her father once during New Year, when the news of them dating first came out, there wasn’t any further interaction. After all, they’re still getting to know each other. In Jessica’s case, it looked like things were getting serious.
“Krystal always makes excuses not to see him, preferring to have dinner at Amber’s or Victoria’s place,” Jessica groaned. “I don’t want my sister and possible future husband to not get along.”
The last part of that sentence had Yoona sitting up straight, all thoughts of sleep and fatigue banished. “Excuse me? Future husband?”
Jessica smiled. It was the kind of smile she had whenever she expected something, but was disappointed it happened at the same time.
“I want to get married, Yoona. And I think Tyler’s the one,” Jessica said. Yoona had never seen her look so sure of anything. “I’ve been talking to the company and some of the others about this for some time. And my parents also know.”
It was too fast for Yoona’s liking. Jessica had only met Tyler more or less a year ago, and now she’s entertaining thoughts of marriage? Well, of course, they’re at that age where some of them wanted to get married. All nine of them had joked about it among themselves several times, but now that they were talking about it seriously, Yoona was unsure how to react.
“What did the company say?”
“Nothing, yet. They still don’t want to talk about it.”
“As expected,” Yoona thought to herself.
“I can’t do this anymore, Yoona. It’s sad, but I will get my life back.”
“What do you mean?” This isn’t the first time Jessica had said this. She already said this in Japan some time last month. Back then, Yoona thought it was just being exhausted from the concert and of course, working on her brand. This time, it sounded more serious, almost as if Jessica was done with the group, with them.
“Next year, I plan to study abroad. I’m looking into schools,” Jessica smiled, almost lost in her thoughts. “But then, since the schools need me to either take the SATs or pass a design portfolio, I had to launch the brand ahead of schedule. I needed to have something to show by the time I go to New York.”
Yoona frowned as she digested the information. It sounded like Jessica was going at it without a concrete plan and that scared her. “What’s the hurry though?” she asked. “We still have one album to do before you go on hiatus, right?”
Jessica nodded. “Of course, but I can’t just stop now. The opportunity is already here and I have to go full steam ahead while I still can. It sounds pathetic, I know, but I have to get my life back. I gave up so many years for us, for the fans. I just want to get my life outside of that back.”
“But we practically signed our lives to the company for at least three more years,” was what Yoona wanted to say.
“We have at most three years left,” Jessica continued, holding Yoona’s hand. “It’s time we started preparing for life after this. Maybe you should start upping your acting resume, so that people will finally see you as the serious, talented actress you can become.”
Yoona wasn’t sure that she liked where this was heading. Ever since Jessica put up her business, they’ve been scheduling their activities wherein she was free. It wasn’t the same as whenever Yoona had drama filming and the rest would go on without her. They were trying to keep Jessica for as long as they could before she headed to fulfill her dreams outside of the group. Yoona herself wasn’t sure where she wanted to go just yet. Maybe Jessica was right. This was the best time to hone her acting craft and maybe make a future out of it. Then again, she’d rather think about that when she got there. Now, she believed in focusing on what’s in front of her, right here, right now.
“Do you really think I have what it takes to become an actress people will take seriously?” Yoona asked, not liking the feeling currently developing in her gut. “Or are you just trying to get me to do solo stuff so you’ll feel less guilty about not being with the group?”
In a heartbeat, Jessica answered, “Both.”
Despite what she felt, Yoona couldn’t help but laugh along with Jessica.
“Where is she?”
Yoona, Sooyoung, and Yuri stopped their fooling around to look at Taeyeon. It seemed like they were the only ones who heard her, as Seohyun, Hyoyeon, and Sunny were still lying down on the couches, trying to catch their breaths. Tiffany was talking to their manager about TaeTiSeo’s concept meeting with the producers.
“Where’s Jessica?” Taeyeon asked, raising her voice. “She promised she was going to be here. But we’re already done for today and she’s still not here.”
The other seven stopped whatever they were doing and exchanged looks, varying from confusion to outright cluelessness. This wasn’t the first time Jessica was late for recording. One would think Taeyeon was used to this by now, but lately she had been acting like a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
Right on cue, Jessica burst into the recording room. “Sorry I’m late!” she said, once she closed the door. “I’m ready to go!”
Taeyeon’s face was unreadable, but it didn’t take a genius to see she was displeased. “We just finished,” she said, sitting down on the floor, keeping her eyes away from Jessica.
Jessica sighed. “Look. I already said I was sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow at Jessica. “Well, we’re done for today,” she said, still not looking at Jessica. “Won’t happen again? How many times have you said that, and it happens every time. You promise you’ll come, but something suddenly comes up with your business, and then you end up forgetting about us. Explain.”
“A lot came up during the meeting, OK?” Jessica said, throwing her hands in the air. “It’s hard work, being a CEO. I think I’ve developed some sort of respect for Sooman-seonsaengnim and Youngmin-sajangnim now that I’m running my own company.”
“Fine,” Taeyeon sighed, rubbing her temples. “We’ll run it through with you again, but only if it’s alright with the others.”
“There’s that line Jessica and I will be singing together, so we need to fix that,” Sunny said, grinning.
“Same here,” Tiffany agreed. “We’ll be harmonizing, so we need to do that part too.”
Taeyeon raised an eyebrow, considering that minutes ago, Sunny was on the floor, wanting to go home and sleep. But now, she was up and running, acting as if she was never tired.
They all knew that Jessica was going to be busier than ever now that her company was finally up and running. However, even before Jessica got anything started, she had promised that SNSD was always going to come first. To her credit, she was trying her best to make things work. Doing solo activities and fulfilling their responsibilities to the group wasn’t easy. It never was. That was why Yoona felt she understood where Jessica was coming from more than anyone else.
They were recording what was going to be the last album as a group before they focused on their individual activities. Though this wasn’t necessarily goodbye, it still felt a little sad. Some of them, like Yuri and herself, had already dropped to the floor. They watched Sooyoung’s drama on TV and made fun of her rather than listen to the ones recording.
“No, Jessica! You’re too sharp in that line!” the arranger shouted from the other side of the recording booth. “Sing that line again.”
Jessica nodded as she tried singing the line as instructed. The arranger shook his head. “Again.”
Jessica took a deep breath as she was about to sing the line, when a phone rang.
“Sorry! That’s mine!” Jessica said as she removed the headphones and dashed straight for her bag where her phone was.
“Hello?” she said, ignoring everyone else’s bemused faces.
From the corner of her eye, Yoona caught Taeyeon exchange blank faces with Sunny before sighing. There was nothing any of them could do, as they were all just waiting for Jessica to finish recording her parts for the album. They all watched Jessica pace around, throwing her hands in the air. When Jessica was done, she ran back into the recording room, grabbed her bag, and would have run out the door if Tiffany didn’t grab onto her arm.
“What happened?” Tiffany asked, frowning.
“Sorry. Emergency! I have to go now!”
All of them started standing up, asking all sorts of questions. Yoona remembered asking “Did something happen to Krystal? Or your parents?” When Jessica shook her head, that stopped them in their tracks.
“What kind of emergency is it then?”
Jessica sighed as she looked out the door. “Something happened with the shipment of the scarves to Beijing. I have to check out what happened at Customs.”
She was about to walk out the door when Tiffany asked. “But what about recording? It’s just a few more lines for this song. We’ll be continuing the rest tomorrow.”
Jessica shook her head even harder, eyes moving back and forth between the door knob and the rest of them. “I’m sorry, I can’t stay to finish this. I really need to check this one out now. What if something happens and I can’t do business in China? I’ll make it up to you tomorrow. I really have to go now!”
“It’s past midnight, unni. Government offices are closed by now,” Seohyun pointed out. “It’s more logical to call them first thing tomorrow morning than to rush to wherever at this time.”
Personally, Yoona agreed with Seohyun on that one. They still had to finish recording this song. The sooner it was done, the less work for them later on. It was just a few more lines to finish, and maybe they could all finally go home and sleep. If they were lucky, they could finally finish recording the album by the end of the week.
Jessica sighed as she sat back down, typing something on her phone before she stowed it back in her bag. “OK. Fine. Where were we before that? Let’s finish this.”
Despite her determination to finish recording, Jessica’s mind obviously wasn’t in the room with the rest of them anymore. She kept singing the wrong lines or going off-key, much to the arrangers’ frustration. Yoona had long given up on keeping track after the fifth time they had to stop.
Yoona found herself being shaken awake by Hyoyeon. “Come on. We’re going home. The van’s outside.”
She nodded her thanks as she stretched her limbs. As she followed Hyoyeon out the room, she bumped into the former who was leaning against the door of the recording booth, with a finger on her lips.
“We’ll let this pass, since we finished recording the song,” Taeyeon hissed. “Consider this conversation a warning.”
“Look. I’m sorry I panicked,” Jessica said with a sigh. “I just… I just don’t want Blanc to go down in flames before the brand can earn its place in the fashion world.”
“You better get your priorities straight, Jessica.”
NEXT