Athazagoraphobia - fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting
I'm not sure if I have an actual athazagoraphobia. I think its not real serious, but I do have a problem with being ignored.
Then again, most people don't think they have a phobia until they're faced with the blunt truth. *Shrug*
But I'm bringing this up for a completely stupid, depressing reason. From preschool to fifth grade, I was always ignored by other kids. I was that odd kid that everyone avoided. I was that kid that everyone stayed away from. I was the freak.
And the sad thing is that I didn't realize it, either.
I was always on the outside looking in, always quiet and observing. Maybe that's why I know so much about people's behavior today. *shrug* But I did get invited to sleepovers - I just wasn't actually included in them. The other girls would be playing games or talking or doing each others makeup. And I would be sitting in a chair or on the couch watching quietly or reading. And my elementary school was really small, so of course there was this clique of girls that was the 'In-group'. In my own way, I wanted to be part of that group.
And God knows I tried.
But I always was pushed out. Not with mean words, or rumors, but with this quiet wall that just kept me out.
Again, I don't remember really feeling anything. Maybe occaisional disappointment or sadness or embarrassment, but other than that, nothing. I don't ever remember feeling happy, tired, excited, etc... And when I got into middle school I essentially came alive.
But back to elementary. Around fourth grade this group of boys started bothering me alot. Especially this one boy. When I told my mom, she said it was probably because he liked me. I thought this was ridiculous (I don't think I'll ever see how someone would be interested in me) but I left it alone and let it continue.
And toward the end of fifth grade, I started feeling something different. Anger. And a lot of it, too. Anger at everyone. My parents for being divorced and fighting, for even getting together, angry at my sister for just being herself, angry at the kids at school, angry at myself...
After you let something like that build up in you, you eventually snap.
So I did. One day, out on the playground, a bunch of kids were playing four square. I loved the game so I was next in line to get in. And this boy - let's call him "Jake" (though the thought of calling him Jackass does sound appealing) - was the one that had been mainly bothering me, the one my mom thought liked me.
I was standing in line, quiet as I usually was, when all of a sudden someone literally jumped on my back. I was the tallest girl in my class, but Jake was taller and heavier than I. So when he jumped on my back, I hit the ground face first. It didn't make me bleed or break my nose, but it made my head ring. I remember hearing him and a few others laughing, and like I said earlier, I snapped.
All that anger made me black out, but I remember literally attacking him. Scratching, punching, kicking, all out jumping on him. After a few seconds of freaking out my senses came back to me and I just froze.
To make matters worse I started crying.
After that I started towards the teachers to tell them what had happened and I remember hearing Jake chasing me, trying to get me not to tell them. I screamed at him to go away and went ahead and told the teachers.
Fast forwarding a few minutes, I ended up in the bathroom crying for a while before I headed up to the principal's office.
I came to a realization that day.
I had been bullied for nearly three years of my life - and hadn't even realized it. The putdowns, the teasing, the mean behavior- All of it and I didn't realize it. This happened towards the end of the year, so I spent most of my summer stewing in self-hate.
I think what finally saved me was middle school. I met my first best friend there. Eggy, as I called her the first time I saw her for reasons that have to do with her name.
It was so odd. I had someone I trusted, someone I enjoyed spending time with, someone who made me laugh, someone who made me actually live.
Eggy was a gift from God. She really is a blessing.
And since then, I've been through some pretty tough ups and downs. I met two more best friends. One here online and one here in real life.
I don't give a damn what drama queens say. It's entirely possible to have MORE than ONE best friend.
*sigh* Why am I going through all this stuff?
Because I...........I lost one of my best friends. (Crap, I'm going to cry.)
No, JoJo didn't die. JoJo is the second best friend I have in real life. But she's definitely not dead.
It's just......*sigh* It's hard to explain. One moment, we're doing everything together... And the next she's moved on, left me behind, and called me a bitch and whore when I try to get close again. She's blocked me out.
I'm skipping over the beginning. First, it was just her telling her to leave her alone when she's reading and I'm trying to tell her something. And I left her alone. But then she called me bitch and whore every time I tried to talk to her and she was in a mood. I didn't mind it at first. When she all out ignored me when I asked her what was wrong, I started to get worried. Like any natural good friend, I got concerned and kept trying to get her to tell me. Then she'd tell me to leave her alone and call me names again.
That's when I started getting angry.
I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, and that there was a reason we called JoJo bipolar, but.....another friend of mine told me that JoJo had been talking about me behind my back.
After that I started stressing about it more, leaving JoJo alone more, and getting farther and farther apart.
JoJo didn't think she was doing anything wrong, of course, and every time I did confront her about ignoring me she'd always give me an excuse or tell me it wasn't my business. But what really bothered me was that she had told other people. Other people that didin't spend near as much time as I did with her. She'd told them what was wrong with her, and not me. So I asked myself for the first time, "So what does she think I am?"
What really pushed me over the edge though was a text she sent to me asking about math homework. I told her that she had to do it herself so she'd actually learn it. And she accused me of never helping her with her homework. WHen I told her that wasn't true (later I went back and found the texts where I HAD given her homework), she called me a liar.
If there is one thing I don't do, it's lie to my friends.
That's what made me go out of my way to avoid her for nearly two months. Not talking, not texting, not even sitting by her. I wanted to see, just to prove to myself that JoJo still cared, I wanted to see what she did.
.......................She did nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
That was like being stabbed in the heart. It was like our friendship had never existed.
And just these past two weeks I made an attempt to see if our friendship was still there. I didn't openly come out and say 'Why do you hate me now' but I just started hanging out with her again, talking to her. It was only a little, but that same thing was there, so I kept going.
But this past week JoJo just came to school one day, completely shut down. She was acting like she was going to die. When I asked her what was wrong - three fucking times - she just ignored me.
And I decided right then and there to just give up.
No more trying, no more scavenging for a friendship that wasn't there. I was just so tired of it.
I lost a best friend.
I gave up because I realized that the effort wasn't there. JoJo was more than likely upset that her boyfriend (who says the cheesiest lines and is four freaking years older than her) had dumped her or that her phone had been taken away.
She has divorced parents like I do. But she has it way better than I do. She doesn't have two half-sisters, one older and younger. She doesn't have to live everyday knowing that one sister she trusted chose WILLINGLY to leave her. She doesn't have to wonder everyday what her younger half-sister looks like four fucking states away. She doesn't have to live with all the fights her parents had burned in her mind. She doesn't have to hear her mom's critical insults. She doesn't have to deal with all the self-hating thoughts. She doesn't have to worry about keeping everyone so freaking happy that life is tolerable. She doesn't ever consider suicide.
And just think - this is only me, but there are a million other people who have it ten thousand times worse than I do.
Yet all she does is care about her way-too-old boyfriend and not getting caught texting by the teachers.
It disgusts me. All of this mess disgusts me. It disgusts me how much I'm letting this affect me.
It shouldn't matter this much. But it does.
And now I'm mourning for a friend that I don't think I ever truly had.
If this insight to my mind and life upsets you or makes you uncomfortable, don't worry about commenting. If you do comment just to tell me how pathetic and stupid I am, go ahead. I'm past the point of caring right now.
Then again, most people don't think they have a phobia until they're faced with the blunt truth. *Shrug*
But I'm bringing this up for a completely stupid, depressing reason. From preschool to fifth grade, I was always ignored by other kids. I was that odd kid that everyone avoided. I was that kid that everyone stayed away from. I was the freak.
And the sad thing is that I didn't realize it, either.
I was always on the outside looking in, always quiet and observing. Maybe that's why I know so much about people's behavior today. *shrug* But I did get invited to sleepovers - I just wasn't actually included in them. The other girls would be playing games or talking or doing each others makeup. And I would be sitting in a chair or on the couch watching quietly or reading. And my elementary school was really small, so of course there was this clique of girls that was the 'In-group'. In my own way, I wanted to be part of that group.
And God knows I tried.
But I always was pushed out. Not with mean words, or rumors, but with this quiet wall that just kept me out.
Again, I don't remember really feeling anything. Maybe occaisional disappointment or sadness or embarrassment, but other than that, nothing. I don't ever remember feeling happy, tired, excited, etc... And when I got into middle school I essentially came alive.
But back to elementary. Around fourth grade this group of boys started bothering me alot. Especially this one boy. When I told my mom, she said it was probably because he liked me. I thought this was ridiculous (I don't think I'll ever see how someone would be interested in me) but I left it alone and let it continue.
And toward the end of fifth grade, I started feeling something different. Anger. And a lot of it, too. Anger at everyone. My parents for being divorced and fighting, for even getting together, angry at my sister for just being herself, angry at the kids at school, angry at myself...
After you let something like that build up in you, you eventually snap.
So I did. One day, out on the playground, a bunch of kids were playing four square. I loved the game so I was next in line to get in. And this boy - let's call him "Jake" (though the thought of calling him Jackass does sound appealing) - was the one that had been mainly bothering me, the one my mom thought liked me.
I was standing in line, quiet as I usually was, when all of a sudden someone literally jumped on my back. I was the tallest girl in my class, but Jake was taller and heavier than I. So when he jumped on my back, I hit the ground face first. It didn't make me bleed or break my nose, but it made my head ring. I remember hearing him and a few others laughing, and like I said earlier, I snapped.
All that anger made me black out, but I remember literally attacking him. Scratching, punching, kicking, all out jumping on him. After a few seconds of freaking out my senses came back to me and I just froze.
To make matters worse I started crying.
After that I started towards the teachers to tell them what had happened and I remember hearing Jake chasing me, trying to get me not to tell them. I screamed at him to go away and went ahead and told the teachers.
Fast forwarding a few minutes, I ended up in the bathroom crying for a while before I headed up to the principal's office.
I came to a realization that day.
I had been bullied for nearly three years of my life - and hadn't even realized it. The putdowns, the teasing, the mean behavior- All of it and I didn't realize it. This happened towards the end of the year, so I spent most of my summer stewing in self-hate.
I think what finally saved me was middle school. I met my first best friend there. Eggy, as I called her the first time I saw her for reasons that have to do with her name.
It was so odd. I had someone I trusted, someone I enjoyed spending time with, someone who made me laugh, someone who made me actually live.
Eggy was a gift from God. She really is a blessing.
And since then, I've been through some pretty tough ups and downs. I met two more best friends. One here online and one here in real life.
I don't give a damn what drama queens say. It's entirely possible to have MORE than ONE best friend.
*sigh* Why am I going through all this stuff?
Because I...........I lost one of my best friends. (Crap, I'm going to cry.)
No, JoJo didn't die. JoJo is the second best friend I have in real life. But she's definitely not dead.
It's just......*sigh* It's hard to explain. One moment, we're doing everything together... And the next she's moved on, left me behind, and called me a bitch and whore when I try to get close again. She's blocked me out.
I'm skipping over the beginning. First, it was just her telling her to leave her alone when she's reading and I'm trying to tell her something. And I left her alone. But then she called me bitch and whore every time I tried to talk to her and she was in a mood. I didn't mind it at first. When she all out ignored me when I asked her what was wrong, I started to get worried. Like any natural good friend, I got concerned and kept trying to get her to tell me. Then she'd tell me to leave her alone and call me names again.
That's when I started getting angry.
I tried to tell myself it was no big deal, and that there was a reason we called JoJo bipolar, but.....another friend of mine told me that JoJo had been talking about me behind my back.
After that I started stressing about it more, leaving JoJo alone more, and getting farther and farther apart.
JoJo didn't think she was doing anything wrong, of course, and every time I did confront her about ignoring me she'd always give me an excuse or tell me it wasn't my business. But what really bothered me was that she had told other people. Other people that didin't spend near as much time as I did with her. She'd told them what was wrong with her, and not me. So I asked myself for the first time, "So what does she think I am?"
What really pushed me over the edge though was a text she sent to me asking about math homework. I told her that she had to do it herself so she'd actually learn it. And she accused me of never helping her with her homework. WHen I told her that wasn't true (later I went back and found the texts where I HAD given her homework), she called me a liar.
If there is one thing I don't do, it's lie to my friends.
That's what made me go out of my way to avoid her for nearly two months. Not talking, not texting, not even sitting by her. I wanted to see, just to prove to myself that JoJo still cared, I wanted to see what she did.
.......................She did nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
That was like being stabbed in the heart. It was like our friendship had never existed.
And just these past two weeks I made an attempt to see if our friendship was still there. I didn't openly come out and say 'Why do you hate me now' but I just started hanging out with her again, talking to her. It was only a little, but that same thing was there, so I kept going.
But this past week JoJo just came to school one day, completely shut down. She was acting like she was going to die. When I asked her what was wrong - three fucking times - she just ignored me.
And I decided right then and there to just give up.
No more trying, no more scavenging for a friendship that wasn't there. I was just so tired of it.
I lost a best friend.
I gave up because I realized that the effort wasn't there. JoJo was more than likely upset that her boyfriend (who says the cheesiest lines and is four freaking years older than her) had dumped her or that her phone had been taken away.
She has divorced parents like I do. But she has it way better than I do. She doesn't have two half-sisters, one older and younger. She doesn't have to live everyday knowing that one sister she trusted chose WILLINGLY to leave her. She doesn't have to wonder everyday what her younger half-sister looks like four fucking states away. She doesn't have to live with all the fights her parents had burned in her mind. She doesn't have to hear her mom's critical insults. She doesn't have to deal with all the self-hating thoughts. She doesn't have to worry about keeping everyone so freaking happy that life is tolerable. She doesn't ever consider suicide.
And just think - this is only me, but there are a million other people who have it ten thousand times worse than I do.
Yet all she does is care about her way-too-old boyfriend and not getting caught texting by the teachers.
It disgusts me. All of this mess disgusts me. It disgusts me how much I'm letting this affect me.
It shouldn't matter this much. But it does.
And now I'm mourning for a friend that I don't think I ever truly had.
If this insight to my mind and life upsets you or makes you uncomfortable, don't worry about commenting. If you do comment just to tell me how pathetic and stupid I am, go ahead. I'm past the point of caring right now.