i'd much rather be outside writing this
But I wanted to type not hand write today. Everything is quite surreal right now, like it usually is when I’m thinking too much and have no social contact. I’ve been reading a lot as well.
Its one of those crisp autumn evenings, cold but not really cold, just crisp. Most of the leaves have fallen off the trees yet there are still lots of color around. It is the time of night of dusk, the sky is blue with smudges of clouds covering it, gathering, the horizon is pink with only a memory of the sun, now gone. Walking through the park to get onto campus, there are bushes with flowers blooming. They are confused like me, thinking it is spring. I walk past a rhododendron its flowers bright red but the surrounding foliage looks dead. It all adds to the surreallity of the moment.
I have been deep in thought, really more than I should. Thinking of the now, the future, where I want to be, what I want to do, who I want to be, and who with. What will happen, but I know that I will let life flow on as it is, setting up a solid plan only hurts more when it fails. Letting the natural path of things just flow around me, letting myself choose to do certain things but never letting myself depend on those things happening. I see a lack of passion here. What am I passionate about? People. My relationships with them. Shaping myself, improving myself, affecting others, growing. Why must I think about the future when I just want to live? I guess I can't help but ponder the unknown, wonder about the people I haven't seen in 4 months, wonder what things will be like when I get back, how I have changed, how others have changed as well. What about those that leave me or those I will leave behind.
I told Adam last night I was falling for him, I really didn’t want that to happen but I can feel it. He asked it breaking up would help. I told him the same thing I keep telling Maria, the good is always worth the pain in the end, always. I would never give up on something good just because I know it would end in pain, plus I would always keep a tiny hope that it won't. A moderately foolish thing to do but I still will hope for it. I still hope that someday all of my little fantasies will come true but also hope in my heart that they won't for fear of what will happen; I would explode with anticipation and not be able to handle it.
As that last bit became an unintelligible rant I will change the subject. school has ended for the semester and semester two will start July 18. When semester two starts I know that time is going to fly and soon enough I will be on a plane home in a great emotional state. To leave such a place I have come to love, to return to all of those people who have missed me and will be happy at my return. The haunting faces of all the people I might not ever see again. It will be hard but I hope all those who will see me when I return with understand or at least comfort my possible brooding. This seems to have gotten back to a similar subject one that obviously centers my thoughts right now.
It’s hard for me to realize and see how much I have changed. But I can feel it. I am worried I have changed too much, but am not regretting how I have changed and do not want to return to how I was. I feel more adult, more responsible, more capable to run my own life. My venture here has definitely given me that last bit of independence I needed.
This new found independence makes me feel lost somewhat. My relationships with my parents have changed so much. My mother alone has changed an immense amount since I’ve left. Most of the change I see in my dad has always been there, I am just now seeing it. It is unfortunate that I dislike most of what he has become.
My brother is grown and no longer needs his sister as much as I’d like to be there. I was contemplating moving to New Zealand but then remembered that I really wanted to be there when my brother has a family and children. But that was because I wasn’t going to have children and wanted to live vicariously through him. Now I’m not sure what will happen, I see now that my future may include children of my own, even though I’m still not comfortable with the idea.
And so my rant concludes until another day. Much love to all of you who read this.
Its one of those crisp autumn evenings, cold but not really cold, just crisp. Most of the leaves have fallen off the trees yet there are still lots of color around. It is the time of night of dusk, the sky is blue with smudges of clouds covering it, gathering, the horizon is pink with only a memory of the sun, now gone. Walking through the park to get onto campus, there are bushes with flowers blooming. They are confused like me, thinking it is spring. I walk past a rhododendron its flowers bright red but the surrounding foliage looks dead. It all adds to the surreallity of the moment.
I have been deep in thought, really more than I should. Thinking of the now, the future, where I want to be, what I want to do, who I want to be, and who with. What will happen, but I know that I will let life flow on as it is, setting up a solid plan only hurts more when it fails. Letting the natural path of things just flow around me, letting myself choose to do certain things but never letting myself depend on those things happening. I see a lack of passion here. What am I passionate about? People. My relationships with them. Shaping myself, improving myself, affecting others, growing. Why must I think about the future when I just want to live? I guess I can't help but ponder the unknown, wonder about the people I haven't seen in 4 months, wonder what things will be like when I get back, how I have changed, how others have changed as well. What about those that leave me or those I will leave behind.
I told Adam last night I was falling for him, I really didn’t want that to happen but I can feel it. He asked it breaking up would help. I told him the same thing I keep telling Maria, the good is always worth the pain in the end, always. I would never give up on something good just because I know it would end in pain, plus I would always keep a tiny hope that it won't. A moderately foolish thing to do but I still will hope for it. I still hope that someday all of my little fantasies will come true but also hope in my heart that they won't for fear of what will happen; I would explode with anticipation and not be able to handle it.
As that last bit became an unintelligible rant I will change the subject. school has ended for the semester and semester two will start July 18. When semester two starts I know that time is going to fly and soon enough I will be on a plane home in a great emotional state. To leave such a place I have come to love, to return to all of those people who have missed me and will be happy at my return. The haunting faces of all the people I might not ever see again. It will be hard but I hope all those who will see me when I return with understand or at least comfort my possible brooding. This seems to have gotten back to a similar subject one that obviously centers my thoughts right now.
It’s hard for me to realize and see how much I have changed. But I can feel it. I am worried I have changed too much, but am not regretting how I have changed and do not want to return to how I was. I feel more adult, more responsible, more capable to run my own life. My venture here has definitely given me that last bit of independence I needed.
This new found independence makes me feel lost somewhat. My relationships with my parents have changed so much. My mother alone has changed an immense amount since I’ve left. Most of the change I see in my dad has always been there, I am just now seeing it. It is unfortunate that I dislike most of what he has become.
My brother is grown and no longer needs his sister as much as I’d like to be there. I was contemplating moving to New Zealand but then remembered that I really wanted to be there when my brother has a family and children. But that was because I wasn’t going to have children and wanted to live vicariously through him. Now I’m not sure what will happen, I see now that my future may include children of my own, even though I’m still not comfortable with the idea.
And so my rant concludes until another day. Much love to all of you who read this.