Submitted For Your Consideration...Part 1
As I mentioned awhile ago, I submitted this journal to a blog review site. The people that do reviews there are self-proclaimed Bitches. They have names like "Bitter Bitch", "Princess Pottymouth", "Bitch, Esq.", and my personal favorite..."MercilessMinx", who was kind enough to grace "My Little Slice Of Heaven" with her presence today.
If you’ve never had the good fortune to stumble by “I Talk Too Much”, allow me to fill your mind(s) with the sugar plum image of the site and what it seems to be is all about. Sit back and enjoy while I paint you a picture.
They review blogs. Upon first glimpse, we are treated to a graphic of The Power Puff Girls. Or, well...a knockoff. Now let me just stop right here and say “Hell Yah!” I have had Buttercup on my keychain for about 6 years now. I posted a picture of the keychain on an old blog of mine. I love my Buttercup keychain. When her little circle of string becomes so frayed that it breaks and she becomes disconnected from my keys, I will sit down on the floor surrounded by various tools of the sewing trade and I will lovingly reattach her. So I have no problem with their Power Puff Preoccupation. What I do have a problem with is the sense that I get about the why of their pp...p. It seems to me they are trying to drive home the abstract notion that they are bitchy...but it’s ok because they’re CUTE!
saahwinngg battah battah, saahwinngg. Line drive down the third base line. Solid double.
They have an option on the side to change the template. I have not had the inclination to bother as of yet but in light of recent events, I just might give it a try ;)
The sidebar starts out with all of their user pics (or should that be called “mood images”. I’m not sure because like some people, I cannot tell the difference between a “mood image” and a “user pic” dumbass) in a row and that’s where you first notice that...hey! There’s a male bitch here! His name is “Charred”. Welcome him to the estrogenfest, won’t you? I actually like their user pics. Back when my husband and I frequented VP (Virtual Places chat on excite), right before its untimely demise, all the teeny boppers started showing up with these little cartoon avs of chicks in half shirts and angel wings, looking all coy with their chins down and their hands clasped behind their backs. People plastered them all over their MSN websites right along side their blinkies and animated cursors. The user pics on this site (except for Charred’s) evoked memories of days gone by because they remind me of those MSN avatars. Thanks for the memories, girls. You got me to go all gushy inside...*tear*
They have a preview of recent comments along one side which is cool because instead of clicking the link at the bottom of the post to read all of the full comments in all their glorious context, you can read half the comment, then click the link at the bottom of the post to read all of the full comments in all their glorious context. But they don’t stop there. They give you OPTIONS! If you’d like, you can click the ‘read’ link at the end of the half-comment. Unsure what you’ve just opened? Well, it’s the post that is being commented on of course, you silly! Why would you expect to be able to see the full comment (or any of the comment) by clicking a link that says ‘Read’ after the comment teaser. Why would you want to?? It’s sort of like when they show previews for a movie and Oh.My.God that movie looks SO cool and then you go and none of the scenes you saw are in the movie. They’ll be on the DVD though so hold your breath.
In the meantime, NOW click on the ‘comment’ link at the bottom of the post to read all of the full comments in....well, you get the idea.
Now I have to hit the fucking back button to go back to the main page. Thank God we have cable. As the hubby says in response to my question of “How long did it take to load on dial-up?”
“Forever and a fucking day. Because the header graphic is so ungodly huge and there is a zillion mile long sidebar...” He started laughing and couldn’t finish his thought.
Anywho, now that the page has reloaded, below the comment-teaser-trailer thingie is the place where you “Submit your site for a loving review”. It is topped by a header that reads “Bitchslapped”. Any potential reviewee’s are forewarned here with a very simple, but very direct disclaimer: “If you are weak of heart or get upset easily don't bother.” And below that is a link to a list of blogs, journals, myspace pages, and misc. sites eagerly awaiting their review. They get LOTS of submissions so it’s usually quite a while before they get to a particular site and it’s apparent that they get LOTS of requests because the content of most of their reviews is short and sweet...uh...short.
3 days later, you get to the buttons they have provided for your linking pleasure, archive drop downs, various stats for the site, and a virtual blowjob for the guy that did the graphics for the page.
Short break in the entertainment to relate the dialogue just shared by me and my husband:
“It’s not a guy, it’s a girl.”
“What?”
“It’s not a guy, it’s a girl that did the graphics.”
“Well, then who’s Dave?”
“Who?”
“Dave...it says Dave did the graphics.”
“Oh, I must have missed that.”
“Yah, because you didn’t have 3 days to scroll to the bottom of the sidebar.”
I don’t think the girls like Dave so very much. If they did, they wouldn’t have stuck him in the Bumfuck, Egypt section of their sidebar.
All of them share in the reviewing process, along with the site’s seemingly Deity Like creator, Ms. Chatty. They normally do 3 sites in a session, but sometimes are so disgusted by the first site that they don’t bother going any further. And who can blame them?? I mean, when you put yourself out there as the End-All-Be-All of blogging reviewer sites, who has the time to actually do more than one half-hearted review when American Idol is coming on in like 5 minutes?!? Tivo is the debil! I must watch live! I must call! I MUST VOTE! I MUST...oh man I shit my pants.
Mostly, they hate...well everybody. They hate anybody with words like “Random” and “Rambling” in their titles because, and let’s be honest here, like just about everybody and their mother uses at least one of those words in their titles. And when you get a gazillion submissions from people who dare to want to be reviewed by your little mom-and-pop operation, you get to see them all. So after the 12,645th “Random Ramblings Of A Random Rambler”, I guess I’d get pretty sick of those words too. They don’t seem to have a problem with titles containing the phrase “Confessions Of A...” though. I guess that while “Random” and “Rambling” appear in 1 out of 3 online personal space titles, the other 2 featuring those pillars of individuality make a bitch jump for joy and spontaneously orgasm. Specially if they have a pink fuzzy hat to go along with it.
The pinnacle of their hate though is reserved for those unfortunate enough to use myspace, livejournal, msn, and most Blogger submissions. And god forbid if you have a standard, generic, graphics not designed by Dave template. Most of the problems that they have with these sites I whole-heartedly agree with. They are way too fucking busy. WAY TOO BUSY. When I got my first make-up kit as a Christmas present at the tender age of 12, my mother had one piece of worldly knowledge to impart to me.
“Now, just because there are 3 shades of eye shadow in there doesn’t mean you have to wear them all at the same time.” Of course I did. Light blue across the lid, pink across the brow, and dark blue under the eye. I was stylin’! Where’s my legwarmers and neon green Flashdance-esque sweatshirt?? Help me put on my Lee Press-ons and we’re so outta here!!
msn users are notorious for putting every single mother fucking blinking, blinding, space and bandwidth hogging piece of shit on their sites that they can find. They are also usually about 14 years old on average. Cut them some slack. Throw them a Bell Curve for fuck’s sake. I’m sure there’s a picture of you wearing some blue eye shadow somewhere in the depths of your junk drawer.
I’m not sure why they hate LJ. They don’t have accounts here so it can’t possibly be for the same reason that my husband left which was LJ’s affection for regurgitation when it comes to site design and dependability. Is it the mass market appeal? People, such as myself, who are HTMLtards but still want to share their Confessions Of A Random Rambler ™ with the masses have to go somewhere. Would you like to line us up and design our sites for us? But then, YOUR designs would be mass market and you’d have to start shredding your own creations in 3 line reviews.
They hate long sidebars. As soon as I have finished scrolling to the top of their sidebar, I’ll quote you something...
.....
.........
....oh forget it. They don’t like them.
Ok, moving on.
Templates and blinkies, and blogrolls aside they also review the blog’s content. Mostly they are bored. Unless they are reviewing someone who bitches and rants about everything endlessly. Then they purr with delight. Which is cool. I love drahma as much as the next gal. It’s why I’m doing this. It’s why I start fights with people who I think are being rude while I’m trying to lose at poker online. But Jesus H. Christ ona crutch is someone only worthy of praise if they are loud and obnoxious?
Yes?
Alrighty then.
In closing...(yay!)...much of what they say, I find very funny. Much of what they think, I agree with. Which pisses me off because there is nothing worse than being offended by someone you think is funny. I mean all that does is make me stop and think the next time I’m reading something, “That’s funny! Wait...is it funny or mean?” Then I have to think about it and that’s just time out of my day that I could have been doing something else...like scrolling to the bottom of their sidebar to read how long it took the site to load.
Sometimes I’m pretty sure they are just being nasty because they are Bitches™, not because they particularly believe in what they are saying. I’m sure that for the most part they do, but the way they present their comments in some reviews reeks of shock value instead of honest opinion. After all, you’ll get more comments displayed in the Teaser-Trailer-Comments™ section if there’s a fish at the bottom of the review instead of 5 blank Bitchslaps.
Or the infamous Boot To The Head™ from Mr. Firefighter/linux geek.
Post Script: Behind the cut in the next entry is a review of the review I received today from the aforementioned “Merciless Minx”. Please note, any of you IT2M reviewers/frequenters that may choose to stop by and say “Fuck you!”, that my review(s) (both above and below) are COMPLETE reviews, not the back handed, half assed, I have to be done in time for the (on the air 3rd time this week) Idol episode that’s on in 15 minutes liner notes that most of the time grace that site. It’s one thing to bitch about the fact that the “archives” link only opens to a calendar. It’s another to substantiate your gripe by actually continuing with the clicking to report EXACTLY how difficult it is to find post titles. After all, that is what a review is all about...right?
Look! You got your own tag!! :D
If you’ve never had the good fortune to stumble by “I Talk Too Much”, allow me to fill your mind(s) with the sugar plum image of the site and what it seems to be is all about. Sit back and enjoy while I paint you a picture.
They review blogs. Upon first glimpse, we are treated to a graphic of The Power Puff Girls. Or, well...a knockoff. Now let me just stop right here and say “Hell Yah!” I have had Buttercup on my keychain for about 6 years now. I posted a picture of the keychain on an old blog of mine. I love my Buttercup keychain. When her little circle of string becomes so frayed that it breaks and she becomes disconnected from my keys, I will sit down on the floor surrounded by various tools of the sewing trade and I will lovingly reattach her. So I have no problem with their Power Puff Preoccupation. What I do have a problem with is the sense that I get about the why of their pp...p. It seems to me they are trying to drive home the abstract notion that they are bitchy...but it’s ok because they’re CUTE!
saahwinngg battah battah, saahwinngg. Line drive down the third base line. Solid double.
They have an option on the side to change the template. I have not had the inclination to bother as of yet but in light of recent events, I just might give it a try ;)
The sidebar starts out with all of their user pics (or should that be called “mood images”. I’m not sure because like some people, I cannot tell the difference between a “mood image” and a “user pic” dumbass) in a row and that’s where you first notice that...hey! There’s a male bitch here! His name is “Charred”. Welcome him to the estrogenfest, won’t you? I actually like their user pics. Back when my husband and I frequented VP (Virtual Places chat on excite), right before its untimely demise, all the teeny boppers started showing up with these little cartoon avs of chicks in half shirts and angel wings, looking all coy with their chins down and their hands clasped behind their backs. People plastered them all over their MSN websites right along side their blinkies and animated cursors. The user pics on this site (except for Charred’s) evoked memories of days gone by because they remind me of those MSN avatars. Thanks for the memories, girls. You got me to go all gushy inside...*tear*
They have a preview of recent comments along one side which is cool because instead of clicking the link at the bottom of the post to read all of the full comments in all their glorious context, you can read half the comment, then click the link at the bottom of the post to read all of the full comments in all their glorious context. But they don’t stop there. They give you OPTIONS! If you’d like, you can click the ‘read’ link at the end of the half-comment. Unsure what you’ve just opened? Well, it’s the post that is being commented on of course, you silly! Why would you expect to be able to see the full comment (or any of the comment) by clicking a link that says ‘Read’ after the comment teaser. Why would you want to?? It’s sort of like when they show previews for a movie and Oh.My.God that movie looks SO cool and then you go and none of the scenes you saw are in the movie. They’ll be on the DVD though so hold your breath.
In the meantime, NOW click on the ‘comment’ link at the bottom of the post to read all of the full comments in....well, you get the idea.
Now I have to hit the fucking back button to go back to the main page. Thank God we have cable. As the hubby says in response to my question of “How long did it take to load on dial-up?”
“Forever and a fucking day. Because the header graphic is so ungodly huge and there is a zillion mile long sidebar...” He started laughing and couldn’t finish his thought.
Anywho, now that the page has reloaded, below the comment-teaser-trailer thingie is the place where you “Submit your site for a loving review”. It is topped by a header that reads “Bitchslapped”. Any potential reviewee’s are forewarned here with a very simple, but very direct disclaimer: “If you are weak of heart or get upset easily don't bother.” And below that is a link to a list of blogs, journals, myspace pages, and misc. sites eagerly awaiting their review. They get LOTS of submissions so it’s usually quite a while before they get to a particular site and it’s apparent that they get LOTS of requests because the content of most of their reviews is short and sweet...uh...short.
3 days later, you get to the buttons they have provided for your linking pleasure, archive drop downs, various stats for the site, and a virtual blowjob for the guy that did the graphics for the page.
Short break in the entertainment to relate the dialogue just shared by me and my husband:
“It’s not a guy, it’s a girl.”
“What?”
“It’s not a guy, it’s a girl that did the graphics.”
“Well, then who’s Dave?”
“Who?”
“Dave...it says Dave did the graphics.”
“Oh, I must have missed that.”
“Yah, because you didn’t have 3 days to scroll to the bottom of the sidebar.”
I don’t think the girls like Dave so very much. If they did, they wouldn’t have stuck him in the Bumfuck, Egypt section of their sidebar.
All of them share in the reviewing process, along with the site’s seemingly Deity Like creator, Ms. Chatty. They normally do 3 sites in a session, but sometimes are so disgusted by the first site that they don’t bother going any further. And who can blame them?? I mean, when you put yourself out there as the End-All-Be-All of blogging reviewer sites, who has the time to actually do more than one half-hearted review when American Idol is coming on in like 5 minutes?!? Tivo is the debil! I must watch live! I must call! I MUST VOTE! I MUST...oh man I shit my pants.
Mostly, they hate...well everybody. They hate anybody with words like “Random” and “Rambling” in their titles because, and let’s be honest here, like just about everybody and their mother uses at least one of those words in their titles. And when you get a gazillion submissions from people who dare to want to be reviewed by your little mom-and-pop operation, you get to see them all. So after the 12,645th “Random Ramblings Of A Random Rambler”, I guess I’d get pretty sick of those words too. They don’t seem to have a problem with titles containing the phrase “Confessions Of A...” though. I guess that while “Random” and “Rambling” appear in 1 out of 3 online personal space titles, the other 2 featuring those pillars of individuality make a bitch jump for joy and spontaneously orgasm. Specially if they have a pink fuzzy hat to go along with it.
The pinnacle of their hate though is reserved for those unfortunate enough to use myspace, livejournal, msn, and most Blogger submissions. And god forbid if you have a standard, generic, graphics not designed by Dave template. Most of the problems that they have with these sites I whole-heartedly agree with. They are way too fucking busy. WAY TOO BUSY. When I got my first make-up kit as a Christmas present at the tender age of 12, my mother had one piece of worldly knowledge to impart to me.
“Now, just because there are 3 shades of eye shadow in there doesn’t mean you have to wear them all at the same time.” Of course I did. Light blue across the lid, pink across the brow, and dark blue under the eye. I was stylin’! Where’s my legwarmers and neon green Flashdance-esque sweatshirt?? Help me put on my Lee Press-ons and we’re so outta here!!
msn users are notorious for putting every single mother fucking blinking, blinding, space and bandwidth hogging piece of shit on their sites that they can find. They are also usually about 14 years old on average. Cut them some slack. Throw them a Bell Curve for fuck’s sake. I’m sure there’s a picture of you wearing some blue eye shadow somewhere in the depths of your junk drawer.
I’m not sure why they hate LJ. They don’t have accounts here so it can’t possibly be for the same reason that my husband left which was LJ’s affection for regurgitation when it comes to site design and dependability. Is it the mass market appeal? People, such as myself, who are HTMLtards but still want to share their Confessions Of A Random Rambler ™ with the masses have to go somewhere. Would you like to line us up and design our sites for us? But then, YOUR designs would be mass market and you’d have to start shredding your own creations in 3 line reviews.
They hate long sidebars. As soon as I have finished scrolling to the top of their sidebar, I’ll quote you something...
.....
.........
....oh forget it. They don’t like them.
Ok, moving on.
Templates and blinkies, and blogrolls aside they also review the blog’s content. Mostly they are bored. Unless they are reviewing someone who bitches and rants about everything endlessly. Then they purr with delight. Which is cool. I love drahma as much as the next gal. It’s why I’m doing this. It’s why I start fights with people who I think are being rude while I’m trying to lose at poker online. But Jesus H. Christ ona crutch is someone only worthy of praise if they are loud and obnoxious?
Yes?
Alrighty then.
In closing...(yay!)...much of what they say, I find very funny. Much of what they think, I agree with. Which pisses me off because there is nothing worse than being offended by someone you think is funny. I mean all that does is make me stop and think the next time I’m reading something, “That’s funny! Wait...is it funny or mean?” Then I have to think about it and that’s just time out of my day that I could have been doing something else...like scrolling to the bottom of their sidebar to read how long it took the site to load.
Sometimes I’m pretty sure they are just being nasty because they are Bitches™, not because they particularly believe in what they are saying. I’m sure that for the most part they do, but the way they present their comments in some reviews reeks of shock value instead of honest opinion. After all, you’ll get more comments displayed in the Teaser-Trailer-Comments™ section if there’s a fish at the bottom of the review instead of 5 blank Bitchslaps.
Or the infamous Boot To The Head™ from Mr. Firefighter/linux geek.
Post Script: Behind the cut in the next entry is a review of the review I received today from the aforementioned “Merciless Minx”. Please note, any of you IT2M reviewers/frequenters that may choose to stop by and say “Fuck you!”, that my review(s) (both above and below) are COMPLETE reviews, not the back handed, half assed, I have to be done in time for the (on the air 3rd time this week) Idol episode that’s on in 15 minutes liner notes that most of the time grace that site. It’s one thing to bitch about the fact that the “archives” link only opens to a calendar. It’s another to substantiate your gripe by actually continuing with the clicking to report EXACTLY how difficult it is to find post titles. After all, that is what a review is all about...right?
Look! You got your own tag!! :D