Story stuff.

[psyfer]

So, here is the first chapter of the Steampunk story I'm writing, either for publication as-is or as the plot for a comic.  This is just the first draft, but I'm eager to hear what you all think of it.  Also, be aware that it's about 12 pages worth of text.  Anyway, please read on, and feel free to voice any critisisms you may have.

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Comments

[psyfer]

Sorry about the typesetting, LJ went and did something strange when I Cut and pasted it.

[anonymous]

I would like to read more. Unseemly shenanigans and a tale of derring-do in the offing. Hurrah!

Some thoughts.
The prose of the intro was putting me off a little bit-I was thinking "overly poetical in description, hope the whole lots not like this", but then you brought it home as a remembrance sequence. The images were strange enough to be enticing. Am wondering if revealing that it was Mars in the first chapter robs us of the delight of a tease, -perhaps less strangeness/Marsness in the reciting of the leads battlefield career, and then the reveal of Mars later in the story. Iim thinking a bit more mystery in the description, so that we want to find out more about his background as the story unfolds. (Not a criticism mind, but just a thought.)

A little worried that the armourer will be a Q clone though.

[pixiecaper]

I thought it was a good way to begin the story and I would have like to keep reading. The main character intreged me and I would like to get inside how his mind works.

I'd buy this if you get around to finishing it and published.