What Does That Mean Buddha??
So yeah more down stuff today... at least I think so. :)
But since it's going to be down and probably long, I'm going to do a lj cut!!
I guess I should really explain what my last post was about. You know how sometimes everything just sometimes gets to be too much and you can't keep it all inside anymore? Well that's what happened my last entry. It just all got to be too much and I couldn't handle it anymore. For the most part that entry was mostly about Jacob. He and I are no longer together anymore. It hurts... really hurts but I guess there is nothing more that I can do about it. I feel in some part as though a part of me has died. I know that I will never love anyone the way that I loved him. Unfortunately my realizing that hurt someone that was really close to me. But the reason that I wrote most of that entry was for two reasons. The first was that I wrote an e-mail to Jacob just asking him just some of the questions that I have in my heart in my head. And he wrote me back and told me that he didn't want to talk about this with me but the main reason that he broke up with me... besides the fact that I didn't have the morals of the girl that he wanted to marry... was that I never trusted him. I mean how can he say that?? I mean just ask anyone that I know I am the most jealous person in the world, but when I was with Jacob I just knew that he would never leave me. Guess that was wrong huh? So that's why I was so upset in my last post. Guess what people?!?! I have a dark side too!! I've been listening to a cd that I got recently. Don't laugh but it's Avril Lavigne's newest one. It's really good. The first couple of times that I listened to it though I just was like oh ok this is really good. However the more and more that I listened to it, I realized that it was really saying what I felt. I'll put why at the bottom of this journal. But really do I not trust people? I mean I know that I hold back some trust, but the people that are really close to me. Do they not feel trusted? You if you're reading this, do you feel that I trust you? Any ways the other reason that my last entry was so down was because I realized that through my stupid, all be it drunken, actions that I hurt someone really close to me. And that really sucks. But what hurt even more is that he couldn't talk to me about it. And the people that he was talking to were good friends of both of us. And I thought that I had lost them as my friends because of what he was telling me. I know that he says that it's not the case, but (of course because I don't trust anyone apparently)I just have a feeling that they don't really like me right now because of what I put our other friend through. And even though he says that I should talk to them about it, I don't really want to talk to them about this because everyone knows that when two people have a bad breakup that people sometimes have to choose sides even if they don't want to and I don't want the people that he was talking to about this to have to choose. That wouldn't be fair to them. So that was another reason that my last entry was so down because I felt like I lost three of my really good friends. And that really hurt. I feel like I've lost so much this past two weeks and I just don't know how much I can take. Of course now it sounds like I'm just being whiny, but I can't really help it. My friends are some of the most important things in my life. Of course recently I have been letting that slip away, but.... yeah I don't know how to make it all better. I don't know how to make any of it better. And I guess just rambling about it in here won't make it any better. Yeah so I guess that I should just shut up... cause I don't know where any of this is going to be going. But anyhow... as promised here is the lyrics that represent pretty much how I'm feeling right now.
Na na, na na na, na na, I miss you, miss you so bad, I don't forget you, oh it's so sad, I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away, Was the day I found it won't be the same, Ooooh
Na na la la la na na
I didn't get around to kiss you, Goodbye on the hand, I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't
Oooooh, I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away, Was the day I found it won't be the same, Ooooh
I had my wake up, Won't you wake up, I keep asking why, And I can't take it, It wasn't fake it
It happened, you passed by
Now your gone, now your gone, There you go, there you go, Somewhere I can't bring you back, Now your gone, now your gone, There you go, there you go, Somewhere your not coming back
The day you slipped away,Was the day i found it won't be the same noo.., The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...
Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
I miss you
-Avril "Slipped Away"
I looked away, Then I look back at you, You try to say, Things that you can't undo
If I had my way, I'd never get over you, Today is the day, I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall, Make it through it all
And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it, cause I'm in love with you
You're the only one, I'll be with till the end, When I come undone, You bring me back again, Back under the stars, Back into your arms
And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it, cause I'm in love with you
Wanna know who you are, Wanna know where to start, I wanna know, what this means, Wanna know how you feel, Wanna know what is real, I wanna know everything, everything
And I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it, cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
-Avril "Fall to Pieces
Gotta get away, There's no point in thinking about yesterday, It's too late now, It won't ever be the same, We're so different now
Yea yea yea yea yea
I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what i wanted I
I told you what i wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never Again
-Avril "Forgotten"
I am small, And the world is big, All around me is fast moving, Surrounded by so many things
Suddenly,suddenly
-Avril "How Does It Feel"
You were all the things I thought I knew, And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted, We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories so close to me, Just fade away
All this time you were pretending, So much for my happy ending
-Avril "My Happy Ending"
Well, I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
-Avril "Nobody's Home"
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around it
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
-Avril "Take Me Away"
Ok I think that's all. But there is something in those lyrics that just remind me of what I'm going through.
So that's a look into the darkness that is my life. Sorry if it brought you down as well. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if anyone even reads this journal. Well I gotta jet now. But I love everyone... even if I c ain't love myself. :)
*Jess
But since it's going to be down and probably long, I'm going to do a lj cut!!
I guess I should really explain what my last post was about. You know how sometimes everything just sometimes gets to be too much and you can't keep it all inside anymore? Well that's what happened my last entry. It just all got to be too much and I couldn't handle it anymore. For the most part that entry was mostly about Jacob. He and I are no longer together anymore. It hurts... really hurts but I guess there is nothing more that I can do about it. I feel in some part as though a part of me has died. I know that I will never love anyone the way that I loved him. Unfortunately my realizing that hurt someone that was really close to me. But the reason that I wrote most of that entry was for two reasons. The first was that I wrote an e-mail to Jacob just asking him just some of the questions that I have in my heart in my head. And he wrote me back and told me that he didn't want to talk about this with me but the main reason that he broke up with me... besides the fact that I didn't have the morals of the girl that he wanted to marry... was that I never trusted him. I mean how can he say that?? I mean just ask anyone that I know I am the most jealous person in the world, but when I was with Jacob I just knew that he would never leave me. Guess that was wrong huh? So that's why I was so upset in my last post. Guess what people?!?! I have a dark side too!! I've been listening to a cd that I got recently. Don't laugh but it's Avril Lavigne's newest one. It's really good. The first couple of times that I listened to it though I just was like oh ok this is really good. However the more and more that I listened to it, I realized that it was really saying what I felt. I'll put why at the bottom of this journal. But really do I not trust people? I mean I know that I hold back some trust, but the people that are really close to me. Do they not feel trusted? You if you're reading this, do you feel that I trust you? Any ways the other reason that my last entry was so down was because I realized that through my stupid, all be it drunken, actions that I hurt someone really close to me. And that really sucks. But what hurt even more is that he couldn't talk to me about it. And the people that he was talking to were good friends of both of us. And I thought that I had lost them as my friends because of what he was telling me. I know that he says that it's not the case, but (of course because I don't trust anyone apparently)I just have a feeling that they don't really like me right now because of what I put our other friend through. And even though he says that I should talk to them about it, I don't really want to talk to them about this because everyone knows that when two people have a bad breakup that people sometimes have to choose sides even if they don't want to and I don't want the people that he was talking to about this to have to choose. That wouldn't be fair to them. So that was another reason that my last entry was so down because I felt like I lost three of my really good friends. And that really hurt. I feel like I've lost so much this past two weeks and I just don't know how much I can take. Of course now it sounds like I'm just being whiny, but I can't really help it. My friends are some of the most important things in my life. Of course recently I have been letting that slip away, but.... yeah I don't know how to make it all better. I don't know how to make any of it better. And I guess just rambling about it in here won't make it any better. Yeah so I guess that I should just shut up... cause I don't know where any of this is going to be going. But anyhow... as promised here is the lyrics that represent pretty much how I'm feeling right now.
Na na, na na na, na na, I miss you, miss you so bad, I don't forget you, oh it's so sad, I hope you can hear me, I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away, Was the day I found it won't be the same, Ooooh
Na na la la la na na
I didn't get around to kiss you, Goodbye on the hand, I wish that I could see you again, I know that I can't
Oooooh, I hope you can hear me cause I remember it clearly
The day you slipped away, Was the day I found it won't be the same, Ooooh
I had my wake up, Won't you wake up, I keep asking why, And I can't take it, It wasn't fake it
It happened, you passed by
Now your gone, now your gone, There you go, there you go, Somewhere I can't bring you back, Now your gone, now your gone, There you go, there you go, Somewhere your not coming back
The day you slipped away,Was the day i found it won't be the same noo.., The day you slipped away
Was the day that i found it won't be the same oooh...
Nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah
I miss you
-Avril "Slipped Away"
I looked away, Then I look back at you, You try to say, Things that you can't undo
If I had my way, I'd never get over you, Today is the day, I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall, Make it through it all
And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it, cause I'm in love with you
You're the only one, I'll be with till the end, When I come undone, You bring me back again, Back under the stars, Back into your arms
And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it, cause I'm in love with you
Wanna know who you are, Wanna know where to start, I wanna know, what this means, Wanna know how you feel, Wanna know what is real, I wanna know everything, everything
And I don't wanna fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it
And I don't want to fall to pieces, I just wanna sit and stare at you, I don't wanna talk about it, And I don't want a conversation, I just wanna cry in front of you, I don't wanna talk about it, cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
-Avril "Fall to Pieces
Gotta get away, There's no point in thinking about yesterday, It's too late now, It won't ever be the same, We're so different now
Yea yea yea yea yea
I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what i wanted I
I told you what i wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never Again
-Avril "Forgotten"
I am small, And the world is big, All around me is fast moving, Surrounded by so many things
Suddenly,suddenly
-Avril "How Does It Feel"
You were all the things I thought I knew, And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted, We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of our memories so close to me, Just fade away
All this time you were pretending, So much for my happy ending
-Avril "My Happy Ending"
Well, I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
-Avril "Nobody's Home"
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
All the pain I thought I knew
All my thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around it
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
-Avril "Take Me Away"
Ok I think that's all. But there is something in those lyrics that just remind me of what I'm going through.
So that's a look into the darkness that is my life. Sorry if it brought you down as well. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if anyone even reads this journal. Well I gotta jet now. But I love everyone... even if I c ain't love myself. :)
*Jess