Jokes for friday... drink warning...
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EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.
'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless boob?
Now doesn't T H A T make more sense than that crap about the rib?
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Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place, was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.
All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house... and thus, never made any friends.
One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal .
After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery.... and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.
The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.
The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!
Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.
The moral to this is:
'Don't screw around with things you don't understand........ you could lose your ass.'
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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillow case around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good ! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...... .
'Bastards won't let me fart.'
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God..'
The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
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Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age.
After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Momma, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large-animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow with a big towel that was having any difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, 'And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!'
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for the final.
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ''You must be single.''
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: ''Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?''
The drunk replied, ''Cause you're ugly.''
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Three guys, a Pak, a Sri Lankan and an Indian are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Sri Lankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming.
The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan.
The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state.Nothing can get in or out."
The Indian says, "My wish is that you fill it up with water."
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At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: 'Tylenol?'
'Very good! And what is it used for?'
'It is used for a headache.'
The second pupil said: 'Nytol.'
'Excellent!' said Sister Catherine. 'And what it is used for?'
'To help you sleep', replied one student.
Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: 'Viagra.'
'And what is it used for, Johnny?' asked the surprised Sister Catherine.
'It is used for diarrhea.'
'And who told you this, Johnny?'
'Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father 'take a Viagra, and maybe yuh shit will get harder.''
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Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness, that sure is a lot!' she exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?' Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
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A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???'
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
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During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand. said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No, said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?
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It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers: They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
Bobby Darin --- Splish , Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now!
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen!
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore!
Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want Too!
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again!!
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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.''
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A man escapes from a prison where he`s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner`s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he`s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, `Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He`s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn`t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don`t resist, don`t complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he`ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!`
His wife responds, `He wasn`t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he`s gay, thinks you`re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too.
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.
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Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!
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