(no subject)
I haven't written a sarcastic essay in a while, so I decided to sit down and have a go at a topic that's been on my mind for a while now: the utter violence in Sony's classic video game "Spyro The Dragon". So here's what I came up with:
I'd like to, if I may, discuss Spyro The Dragon. Copyright 1998. Making it now 11 years old.
11? Really? It doesn't seem that long ago for me. I remember popping the black-bottomed disc into my grey Playstation for the first time and learning, slowly, how to navigate the bright, whimsical worlds with my little purple dragon. 11 years ago, I thought I was too old for such gaiety. 11 years later, I think I'm pretty awesome for being secure enough to play such a game at the age of 22. And at the age of 22, I realize the double entendre of saying that I'm "navigating places with my little purple dragon".
Including a few hiatuses, losing the game disc and not having a TV to plug my Playstation into, it took me ten years to finally conquer the game in its entirety. And while other people my age are using their years of video game experience and matured eye-hand coordination to challenge themselves with alien-shoot-em-up games (intended only for mature audiences), I'm pretty damned proud of myself that I am able to collect all the gems in a game (whose only parental advisory is "Comic Mischief") and get the trash-talking bad guy in the end.
As well, it took me ten years to realize something: this game is horrifically violent and completely inappropriate for children. Or adults for that matter! Despite its "E for Everyone" rating, this game glorifies arson, greed, vandalism, and genocide.
Genocide? Yeah, I said it.
If you're not familiar with the story of Spyro the Dragon, here's a quick recap:
A particularly cranky humanoid beast (of a species called the 'Gnorcs'), aptly named Gnasty Gnorc, terrorizes the Dragon population by stealing their jewels and turning a great number of the jewels into other Gnorcs for his own personal army and scattering the jewels about the Dragon lands. Then to ensure that nobody could take the jewels back or fight back, he turns all the Dragons into stone (judging from the color, I'd say jade) with a slew of magical beams. Being quite small, the magical beams all fly over young Spyro's head and he becomes the only Dragon left in the kingdom. This leaves him to singlehandedly free all the adult Dragons and recover the stolen treasure. A tall order for such a pointedly short guy, but there it is.
In order to recover the jewels, Spyro must pick them up off the ground, break into treasure chests, or kill the Gnorcs which then turn back into the jewels that originally spawned them. Along the way, whenever he frees a Dragon they'll occasionally give him advice on how to best kill certain Gnorcs or where to find more jewels.
That's it. That's the premise. You can kill by either ramming them with your horns or "flaming" them with your fire breath. Once they die, they give a grunt, poof into oblivion and turn back into a jewel which you can then pick up. The ESRB calls this "Comic Mischief". I call it mindless violence and I'll tell you why.
Let's take a look at other games for a moment. Ones that earn "Mature" or "Teen" ratings. They get these rating by featuring blood and gore or sex or strong language. For the most part, I agree with these ratings- young children should wait a while before pretending to combat terrorists, pistol whip prostitutes, or blast aliens with M-16s. But for the most part, these games have a sound and moral plot: the aliens want to kill you, so you defend the planet. The Germans have waged war so you join the military and defend your country. The zombies are eating brains and your brains simply aren't on the menu, thank you very much. It's violent, yes, but it's part of life. You defend your honor, you defend your country, you defend your brains.
But then Sony comes out with a game and the ESRB considers it wholesome for the whole family. It's a game where you play a child who is then encouraged, aided and abetted to systematically destroy an entire race solely for revenge and financial gain. Left without proper, humane weapons, you're left to kill thousands by impaling them or setting them on fire.
It's brutal. It's wrong. It's thinly disguised as a game for children by making the environment brightly colored, forgoing the sight blood and burning flesh, and making the main character a little purple dragon.
Now, I've already considered all the possible defenses for this game. "But the Gnorcs are artificially synthesized creatures! Made of the Dragons' loot no less!"
A fine point, imaginary dissenter! They have no parentage or offspring! And they're standing in the way of what rightfully belongs to the Dragons! But I ask you this: if a surgeon dropped a $100 bill into their patient during surgery would you in turn kill the person to get your money back? And most importantly, would you kill a clone? Judging from the grunts, screams and sundry sounds of agony when you set your enemy on fire, we know these creatures feel pain. They move freely and intelligently recognize when to defend themselves from the blood-thirsty dragon child in their midsts. Ultimately, though, is it worth committing genocide for financial gain when about half of the treasure is simply scattered about the ground? Yet the game requires you to retrieve all of it. That means that this poor, chaste youngster must kill every Gnorc that ever existed.
And that's why I think Spyro should be banned. Along with pornographic literature and rock music. It's like The Holocaust all over again, only with magic and mythical creatures.
But don't ban it quite yet, I still have to finish the "Ice Cavern" level.
I'd like to, if I may, discuss Spyro The Dragon. Copyright 1998. Making it now 11 years old.
11? Really? It doesn't seem that long ago for me. I remember popping the black-bottomed disc into my grey Playstation for the first time and learning, slowly, how to navigate the bright, whimsical worlds with my little purple dragon. 11 years ago, I thought I was too old for such gaiety. 11 years later, I think I'm pretty awesome for being secure enough to play such a game at the age of 22. And at the age of 22, I realize the double entendre of saying that I'm "navigating places with my little purple dragon".
Including a few hiatuses, losing the game disc and not having a TV to plug my Playstation into, it took me ten years to finally conquer the game in its entirety. And while other people my age are using their years of video game experience and matured eye-hand coordination to challenge themselves with alien-shoot-em-up games (intended only for mature audiences), I'm pretty damned proud of myself that I am able to collect all the gems in a game (whose only parental advisory is "Comic Mischief") and get the trash-talking bad guy in the end.
As well, it took me ten years to realize something: this game is horrifically violent and completely inappropriate for children. Or adults for that matter! Despite its "E for Everyone" rating, this game glorifies arson, greed, vandalism, and genocide.
Genocide? Yeah, I said it.
If you're not familiar with the story of Spyro the Dragon, here's a quick recap:
A particularly cranky humanoid beast (of a species called the 'Gnorcs'), aptly named Gnasty Gnorc, terrorizes the Dragon population by stealing their jewels and turning a great number of the jewels into other Gnorcs for his own personal army and scattering the jewels about the Dragon lands. Then to ensure that nobody could take the jewels back or fight back, he turns all the Dragons into stone (judging from the color, I'd say jade) with a slew of magical beams. Being quite small, the magical beams all fly over young Spyro's head and he becomes the only Dragon left in the kingdom. This leaves him to singlehandedly free all the adult Dragons and recover the stolen treasure. A tall order for such a pointedly short guy, but there it is.
In order to recover the jewels, Spyro must pick them up off the ground, break into treasure chests, or kill the Gnorcs which then turn back into the jewels that originally spawned them. Along the way, whenever he frees a Dragon they'll occasionally give him advice on how to best kill certain Gnorcs or where to find more jewels.
That's it. That's the premise. You can kill by either ramming them with your horns or "flaming" them with your fire breath. Once they die, they give a grunt, poof into oblivion and turn back into a jewel which you can then pick up. The ESRB calls this "Comic Mischief". I call it mindless violence and I'll tell you why.
Let's take a look at other games for a moment. Ones that earn "Mature" or "Teen" ratings. They get these rating by featuring blood and gore or sex or strong language. For the most part, I agree with these ratings- young children should wait a while before pretending to combat terrorists, pistol whip prostitutes, or blast aliens with M-16s. But for the most part, these games have a sound and moral plot: the aliens want to kill you, so you defend the planet. The Germans have waged war so you join the military and defend your country. The zombies are eating brains and your brains simply aren't on the menu, thank you very much. It's violent, yes, but it's part of life. You defend your honor, you defend your country, you defend your brains.
But then Sony comes out with a game and the ESRB considers it wholesome for the whole family. It's a game where you play a child who is then encouraged, aided and abetted to systematically destroy an entire race solely for revenge and financial gain. Left without proper, humane weapons, you're left to kill thousands by impaling them or setting them on fire.
It's brutal. It's wrong. It's thinly disguised as a game for children by making the environment brightly colored, forgoing the sight blood and burning flesh, and making the main character a little purple dragon.
Now, I've already considered all the possible defenses for this game. "But the Gnorcs are artificially synthesized creatures! Made of the Dragons' loot no less!"
A fine point, imaginary dissenter! They have no parentage or offspring! And they're standing in the way of what rightfully belongs to the Dragons! But I ask you this: if a surgeon dropped a $100 bill into their patient during surgery would you in turn kill the person to get your money back? And most importantly, would you kill a clone? Judging from the grunts, screams and sundry sounds of agony when you set your enemy on fire, we know these creatures feel pain. They move freely and intelligently recognize when to defend themselves from the blood-thirsty dragon child in their midsts. Ultimately, though, is it worth committing genocide for financial gain when about half of the treasure is simply scattered about the ground? Yet the game requires you to retrieve all of it. That means that this poor, chaste youngster must kill every Gnorc that ever existed.
And that's why I think Spyro should be banned. Along with pornographic literature and rock music. It's like The Holocaust all over again, only with magic and mythical creatures.
But don't ban it quite yet, I still have to finish the "Ice Cavern" level.