No pairings, band fic
title: rocks fall, everybody dies
band!fic
humor, death (repeatedly)
you ever have an idea that is so bad you can't not write it and then share it with anyone who doesn't know to run away? yeah. i seriously considered not posting this one. (and now i think i'll work on something with a plot.)
Heechul thought it was quite unfair that he should die so young and leave the world without someone as singularly gorgeous and clever and witty as himself. The turnout at his funeral also left much to be desired. Yes, there were fans and friends and family and everyone was crying and looking absolutely distraught, but it was all much too tragic. He'd left specific instructions with someone -- he didn't remember who and maybe he hadn't left any at all, but that wasn't the point -- that, in the unlikely event of his death, he wanted a celebration of his life. And perhaps a statue in his honor, if at all possible.
But the very worst thing about the situation, other than him being dead, was how he'd died. Choking on a piece of candy he'd found in his pocket was just not glamorous at all. Frankly, it was a little embarrassing. And now he had to spend eternity alone.
Well, Heechul decided, that had to be remedied. It wasn't fair that he was the only ghost around and if he had to be dead, he should at least have company. A lot of company. The rest of Super Junior, sadly, would have to die as well.
*
First to go would be Kangin. Not because Heechul particularly wanted to spend a lot of time with Kangin of all people, but if he got to kill someone it might as well be him. It was a lot easier to push Kangin in front of a bus than Heechul had thought.
"You killed me!" yelled Kangin. "You bitch!"
Heechul sighed. "You're really going to have to get over that."
"It just happened! Are you insane?"
"No," said Heechul. "I'm dead." He poked Kangin in the chest. "And now you are too."
Kangin pulled at his hair. "I don't want to be dead!"
"Well it's too late now, isn't it?" replied Heechul, already bored with that discussion.
Kangin crossed his arms in displeasure. Off to the side, Kangin's body was being covered up as he was pulled into an ambulance where he would be taken to the hospital and declared dead. "If you weren't already dead," said Kangin. "I would kill you. Just so you know."
*
Together they decided that the next one to go should be Shindong. Though, really, they had chosen him because Kangin said that Shindong owed him money and he couldn't get it back if he was still alive. Heechul had, of course, argued that it was his plan and he should be the one to pick, but then Kangin had started yelling things like 'You killed me! I get this one!' and it was just simpler to let him have his way.
Unfortunately Shindong was a lot harder to kill than Kangin had been. He was remarkably lucky and somehow managed to avoid two oncoming cars, one open manhole, and a conveniently placed hairdryer next to a sink full of water. Eventually they got him with a little luck of their own and an open flame.
"You two are sick," Shindong said, looking immensely displeased with his own sudden demise.
"Life is unfair," said Heechul.
Kangin shrugged. "And we were bored."
"Does something smell likes it's burning?" Heechul looked around the room.
"That would be me," said Shindong, teeth clenched and arms crossed. "I hate you both so much right now."
*
Kyuhyun and Sungmin came together. One minute they were at Shindong's funeral and the next they both inexplicably fell into an open grave. There really was nothing around that could have tripped them both at the same time and Heechul almost felt guilty about sticking his foot out in front of them. But not quite. Especially since it was Kangin who 'accidentally' knocked the tombstone on top of them.
Sungmin hugged Kangin, then Shindong. "I missed you!" he exclaimed. "But, oh. Am I dead?"
Heechul nodded. "Welcome to the party."
Kyuhyun rubbed at his eyes a few times like that would somehow clear his vision and he would see that, no, his dead friends were not there and talking to him. When that didn't work he sighed, resigned to his fate. "When you die, I don't think you're supposed to stick around and kill off all of your friends," he said.
"I think he's right," Sungmin agreed, nodding.
"Why are you like this?" asked Heechul. "Why do you have to question everything?"
*
Eeteuk had his hands on his hips as he stared the rest of them down. It wouldn't have been even slightly intimidating if Eeteuk hadn't perfected that disappointed look that usually only parents knew how to pull off. Heechul hated that.
"What? It's not like we killed you!" Heechul yelled.
"Technically it was the bear that did it," Sungmin added helpfully.
Eeteuk tapped his foot as he looked around at the rest of them. Shindong shrugged when Eeteuk turned to him. "He has a point. We only loosened the locks on the bear cage and pointed it in your direction. It didn't have to kill you."
Eeteuk didn't look satisfied with that answer. He turned toward Kyuhyun. "I'm on your side," said Kyuhyun. Heechul mouthed traitor at him.
"I agree," said Kangin, inching closer to Eeteuk. "It was wrong of them to get you mauled by a bear." He wrapped his arms around Eeteuk's middle.
Heechul rolled his eyes. "It was your idea, idiot."
Eeteuk elbowed Kangin in the stomach.
*
Ryeowook blinked his eyes a few times. "What just happened?"
Heechul clapped him on the back and grinned. "You died."
The expression on Ryeowook's face at that moment was probably the most pitiful thing any of them had ever seen. "But I don't want to be dead!" he wailed. "I'm too young to die!"
"Tell me about it," muttered Kyuhyun. Heechul really thought he needed to get over that. It wasn't healthy to dwell on you sudden death as brought on by your suddenly dead friends.
"Well accidents happen," said Heechul, ignoring Shindong's curious look and Eeteuk's disapproving one.
"Yeah, a lot of people drown in the bathtub," agreed Kangin. And, really, they must be dead, thought Heechul, because nothing else would explain Kangin so readily agreeing with him.
"But," sniffed Ryeowook as Sungmin pulled him into a hug. "I wasn't even taking a bath."
*
Donghae and Eunhyuk's death was completely unplanned and, for once, Heechul had absolutely nothing to do with it. The cable on their elevator had actually snapped all on its own due to an incompetent repairman, some rats, and bad luck.
"See," said Donghae, "I told you that you were getting fat."
Eunhyuk flailed about unhappily. "I'm not," he said. "It wasn't my fault!"
"It's okay. I forgive you for adding too much weight to the elevator and killing us both." Donghae rubbed Eunhyuk's back comfortingly as Eunhyuk made a strangled crying noise and covered his face with his hands.
*
Hankyung took a deep, calming, and unnecessary breath before turning to Heechul. "You killed me," he stated matter-of-fact, like it was somewhat expected and not in any way surprising. Heechul was a little uncomfortable with how well Hankyung obviously knew him.
"Don't give me that look," said Heechul. "Who are you to judge me about killing you. You're dead; you don't get a vote."
"I don't understand that," said Donghae. "Should I understand that?"
"No," answered Sungmin. "I don't think so."
Hankyung went back to his pointless deep breathing exercises.
*
Shiwon opened his eyes, closed them, opened them again. "Am I dead?" He glanced around at most of his former band mates before he finally noticed Heechul. His eyes somehow managed to become even wider. "Is this Hell?" If he weren't already dead, Heechul would have been worried about Shiwon's blood pressure at the moment. As it was, he was more curious about they way Shiwon looked like he was about to have a panic attack.
Heechul smacked Shiwon on the back of the head, in what he hoped came across as calming and friendly. "Don't be stupid. Now you can be with me forever." Heechul ignored how Hankyung rolled his eyes at that.
"To answer your question," said Kangin, leaning in close. "Yes. That would be the definition of hell."
Heechul wondered if it was possible to kill the dead. Kangin was much too cocky and Heechul felt that a good drowning would clear that right up.
*
Yehsung spent more time in denial about his own death than anyone else had previously. "I'm not dead," he said. "I wasn't doing anything. I was just walking. I'm not dead. How could I be dead?" He paced back and forth.
"Skydiving accident," said Shindong, putting out a hand to keep Yehsung in place.
"Could have happened to anyone," said Donghae.
"It's lucky that the other guy survived," said Sungmin.
Yehsung shook Sungmin by the shoulders. "But I wasn't skydiving!"
"Not you," Kangin said, calmly pulling Yehsung off of Sungmin. "The other guy."
Ryeowook rubbed Yehsung's back. "He landed on you."
Yehsung made a strangled noise and sank to the floor. Kyuhyun and Hankyung joined him in shared misery.
*
Kibum was unfazed. "Are you finished?"
Heechul tilted his head to the side in a show of giving the question any real consideration. "For now," he said finally.
"Okay," said Kibum.
"Okay?" Eunhyuk repeated, jumping up. "Why are you like that? He--"
"We," supplied Hankyung.
"We," Eunhyuk stressed, "killed you!"
"I had no part in it," said Shiwon. Heechul stomped on his foot. It wouldn't hurt him, but it would get Heechul's point across.
"And, to be fair, we didn't actually kill you," Kangin added.
Eeteuk crossed his arms and looked pointedly at Kangin. "But it was our fault," he chastised.
Donghae slung an arm around Kibum. "The bank robbery was my idea," he said proudly. "But getting you shot by both sides was all Heechul."
*
"Does anyone else think what we did was, you know, wrong?" asked Kyuhyun.
He was ignored.
band!fic
humor, death (repeatedly)
you ever have an idea that is so bad you can't not write it and then share it with anyone who doesn't know to run away? yeah. i seriously considered not posting this one. (and now i think i'll work on something with a plot.)
Heechul thought it was quite unfair that he should die so young and leave the world without someone as singularly gorgeous and clever and witty as himself. The turnout at his funeral also left much to be desired. Yes, there were fans and friends and family and everyone was crying and looking absolutely distraught, but it was all much too tragic. He'd left specific instructions with someone -- he didn't remember who and maybe he hadn't left any at all, but that wasn't the point -- that, in the unlikely event of his death, he wanted a celebration of his life. And perhaps a statue in his honor, if at all possible.
But the very worst thing about the situation, other than him being dead, was how he'd died. Choking on a piece of candy he'd found in his pocket was just not glamorous at all. Frankly, it was a little embarrassing. And now he had to spend eternity alone.
Well, Heechul decided, that had to be remedied. It wasn't fair that he was the only ghost around and if he had to be dead, he should at least have company. A lot of company. The rest of Super Junior, sadly, would have to die as well.
*
First to go would be Kangin. Not because Heechul particularly wanted to spend a lot of time with Kangin of all people, but if he got to kill someone it might as well be him. It was a lot easier to push Kangin in front of a bus than Heechul had thought.
"You killed me!" yelled Kangin. "You bitch!"
Heechul sighed. "You're really going to have to get over that."
"It just happened! Are you insane?"
"No," said Heechul. "I'm dead." He poked Kangin in the chest. "And now you are too."
Kangin pulled at his hair. "I don't want to be dead!"
"Well it's too late now, isn't it?" replied Heechul, already bored with that discussion.
Kangin crossed his arms in displeasure. Off to the side, Kangin's body was being covered up as he was pulled into an ambulance where he would be taken to the hospital and declared dead. "If you weren't already dead," said Kangin. "I would kill you. Just so you know."
*
Together they decided that the next one to go should be Shindong. Though, really, they had chosen him because Kangin said that Shindong owed him money and he couldn't get it back if he was still alive. Heechul had, of course, argued that it was his plan and he should be the one to pick, but then Kangin had started yelling things like 'You killed me! I get this one!' and it was just simpler to let him have his way.
Unfortunately Shindong was a lot harder to kill than Kangin had been. He was remarkably lucky and somehow managed to avoid two oncoming cars, one open manhole, and a conveniently placed hairdryer next to a sink full of water. Eventually they got him with a little luck of their own and an open flame.
"You two are sick," Shindong said, looking immensely displeased with his own sudden demise.
"Life is unfair," said Heechul.
Kangin shrugged. "And we were bored."
"Does something smell likes it's burning?" Heechul looked around the room.
"That would be me," said Shindong, teeth clenched and arms crossed. "I hate you both so much right now."
*
Kyuhyun and Sungmin came together. One minute they were at Shindong's funeral and the next they both inexplicably fell into an open grave. There really was nothing around that could have tripped them both at the same time and Heechul almost felt guilty about sticking his foot out in front of them. But not quite. Especially since it was Kangin who 'accidentally' knocked the tombstone on top of them.
Sungmin hugged Kangin, then Shindong. "I missed you!" he exclaimed. "But, oh. Am I dead?"
Heechul nodded. "Welcome to the party."
Kyuhyun rubbed at his eyes a few times like that would somehow clear his vision and he would see that, no, his dead friends were not there and talking to him. When that didn't work he sighed, resigned to his fate. "When you die, I don't think you're supposed to stick around and kill off all of your friends," he said.
"I think he's right," Sungmin agreed, nodding.
"Why are you like this?" asked Heechul. "Why do you have to question everything?"
*
Eeteuk had his hands on his hips as he stared the rest of them down. It wouldn't have been even slightly intimidating if Eeteuk hadn't perfected that disappointed look that usually only parents knew how to pull off. Heechul hated that.
"What? It's not like we killed you!" Heechul yelled.
"Technically it was the bear that did it," Sungmin added helpfully.
Eeteuk tapped his foot as he looked around at the rest of them. Shindong shrugged when Eeteuk turned to him. "He has a point. We only loosened the locks on the bear cage and pointed it in your direction. It didn't have to kill you."
Eeteuk didn't look satisfied with that answer. He turned toward Kyuhyun. "I'm on your side," said Kyuhyun. Heechul mouthed traitor at him.
"I agree," said Kangin, inching closer to Eeteuk. "It was wrong of them to get you mauled by a bear." He wrapped his arms around Eeteuk's middle.
Heechul rolled his eyes. "It was your idea, idiot."
Eeteuk elbowed Kangin in the stomach.
*
Ryeowook blinked his eyes a few times. "What just happened?"
Heechul clapped him on the back and grinned. "You died."
The expression on Ryeowook's face at that moment was probably the most pitiful thing any of them had ever seen. "But I don't want to be dead!" he wailed. "I'm too young to die!"
"Tell me about it," muttered Kyuhyun. Heechul really thought he needed to get over that. It wasn't healthy to dwell on you sudden death as brought on by your suddenly dead friends.
"Well accidents happen," said Heechul, ignoring Shindong's curious look and Eeteuk's disapproving one.
"Yeah, a lot of people drown in the bathtub," agreed Kangin. And, really, they must be dead, thought Heechul, because nothing else would explain Kangin so readily agreeing with him.
"But," sniffed Ryeowook as Sungmin pulled him into a hug. "I wasn't even taking a bath."
*
Donghae and Eunhyuk's death was completely unplanned and, for once, Heechul had absolutely nothing to do with it. The cable on their elevator had actually snapped all on its own due to an incompetent repairman, some rats, and bad luck.
"See," said Donghae, "I told you that you were getting fat."
Eunhyuk flailed about unhappily. "I'm not," he said. "It wasn't my fault!"
"It's okay. I forgive you for adding too much weight to the elevator and killing us both." Donghae rubbed Eunhyuk's back comfortingly as Eunhyuk made a strangled crying noise and covered his face with his hands.
*
Hankyung took a deep, calming, and unnecessary breath before turning to Heechul. "You killed me," he stated matter-of-fact, like it was somewhat expected and not in any way surprising. Heechul was a little uncomfortable with how well Hankyung obviously knew him.
"Don't give me that look," said Heechul. "Who are you to judge me about killing you. You're dead; you don't get a vote."
"I don't understand that," said Donghae. "Should I understand that?"
"No," answered Sungmin. "I don't think so."
Hankyung went back to his pointless deep breathing exercises.
*
Shiwon opened his eyes, closed them, opened them again. "Am I dead?" He glanced around at most of his former band mates before he finally noticed Heechul. His eyes somehow managed to become even wider. "Is this Hell?" If he weren't already dead, Heechul would have been worried about Shiwon's blood pressure at the moment. As it was, he was more curious about they way Shiwon looked like he was about to have a panic attack.
Heechul smacked Shiwon on the back of the head, in what he hoped came across as calming and friendly. "Don't be stupid. Now you can be with me forever." Heechul ignored how Hankyung rolled his eyes at that.
"To answer your question," said Kangin, leaning in close. "Yes. That would be the definition of hell."
Heechul wondered if it was possible to kill the dead. Kangin was much too cocky and Heechul felt that a good drowning would clear that right up.
*
Yehsung spent more time in denial about his own death than anyone else had previously. "I'm not dead," he said. "I wasn't doing anything. I was just walking. I'm not dead. How could I be dead?" He paced back and forth.
"Skydiving accident," said Shindong, putting out a hand to keep Yehsung in place.
"Could have happened to anyone," said Donghae.
"It's lucky that the other guy survived," said Sungmin.
Yehsung shook Sungmin by the shoulders. "But I wasn't skydiving!"
"Not you," Kangin said, calmly pulling Yehsung off of Sungmin. "The other guy."
Ryeowook rubbed Yehsung's back. "He landed on you."
Yehsung made a strangled noise and sank to the floor. Kyuhyun and Hankyung joined him in shared misery.
*
Kibum was unfazed. "Are you finished?"
Heechul tilted his head to the side in a show of giving the question any real consideration. "For now," he said finally.
"Okay," said Kibum.
"Okay?" Eunhyuk repeated, jumping up. "Why are you like that? He--"
"We," supplied Hankyung.
"We," Eunhyuk stressed, "killed you!"
"I had no part in it," said Shiwon. Heechul stomped on his foot. It wouldn't hurt him, but it would get Heechul's point across.
"And, to be fair, we didn't actually kill you," Kangin added.
Eeteuk crossed his arms and looked pointedly at Kangin. "But it was our fault," he chastised.
Donghae slung an arm around Kibum. "The bank robbery was my idea," he said proudly. "But getting you shot by both sides was all Heechul."
*
"Does anyone else think what we did was, you know, wrong?" asked Kyuhyun.
He was ignored.