No pairings, band fic
title: your friend: world domination
band!fic
humor, weirdness
wow, I don't even know with this one. written for phasera who wanted something with Donghae. ♥ not sure when/if she'll see this, but I wanted to post it before I left. omg hollywood bowl kmf saturday \o/
Later everyone would agree that it could only have happened to Donghae. There would, of course, be the knowledge that Heechul could have easily done it too, but no one wanted to spend too much time on that train of thought. It was best for everyone to just count their blessings and be happy that it could have been much, much worse.
Donghae had been sent out to to buy food for everyone because he had lost the game that he hadn't even been aware he was playing until Heechul had declared him the loser and told him that that meant he was to be the one to go. Despite no one else being aware of this game, and it being pretty clear Heechul had made it up not ten seconds before he said Donghae he had lost, not a single person wanted to argue because in a democratic Super Junior dorm they might have been voted as the one to go in Donghae's place.
When Donghae came back nearly an hour later, carrying bags of what amounted to junkfood, junkfood, and more junkfood, he was also talking on a mobile phone that was most definitely not his. "Yes," he said into the phone. "No. No. Maybe. Once when I was about five. No." He set down the bags in the kitchen and looked around the room at everyone who were staring at him. "About thirteen. Yes. Donghae, Lee Donghae. No? I'm not sure what that is... Yes. Okay, have a good night!" He shut the phone, smiling happily. "He was nice."
"Donghae," started Eunhyuk, waving vaguely at nothing in particular. "What? Where did you get that?"
"Some guy in a trench-coat dropped a backpack into a trashcan and inside that was a brown paper bag and inside that was this phone," answered Donghae.
"And you just...took it?" Eunhyuk asked. Donghae gave him a look that clearly said he thought Eunhyuk was weird because of course he just took it, who wouldn't?
Eeteuk nodded slowly, as if he were trying very hard to understand the situation and failing miserably. "Who was that you were talking to?"
"Oh," said Donghae, "I'm not sure. He called the phone and started asking a lot of questions."
"This is all very fascinating," Heechul said, tearing open a bag of cookies. "Except it's not. If you're going to ask dumb questions, go somewhere where I can't hear you."
*
The incident was almost completely forgotten over the next few days, until late Friday afternoon when Donghae received a large, unmarked brown box in the mail.
"What do you think it is?" asked Sungmin, sitting next to Donghae as both of them studied the box while Kangin and Eeteuk tried to determine whether or not it was safe to open.
"Maybe it's a bomb," said Eunhyuk. "How many antis does Donghae have?"
Yehsung rolled his eyes. "No one wants to kill Donghae. We only have to be worried when Heechul gets something like this. Everyone wants him dead." Heechul slammed his heel down on Yehsung's toes.
Eeteuk poked the box with his index finger. When it didn't explode, release poisonous gasses, or kill them in any of the ways Eeteuk's brain had helpfully supplied him with images of, he nodded once and turned to Donghae. "You can open it."
Carefully, Donghae peeled off the packaging tape and pulled back the flaps of the box. For a moment no one spoke as everyone took the time to let their brains catch up to what their eyes were seeing.
"Is that... I mean... money," Eunhyuk said, quite coherently.
"A lot of money," said Kyuhyun.
Ryeowook picked up a stack of bills and looked at Donghae. "But why?"
Everyone else looked at Donghae too. He shrugged. "Maybe I'm just lucky."
*
After that, things managed to become even weirder. At first no one wanted to say anything because excessively-rich Donghae was quite generous to his friends and since no police officers has rushed through their front door demanding the money to be returned, no bank robberies had been reported, and no other mysterious packages with Donghae's name on them had shown up, it was really so much easier to just go with the flow of things. As far as anyone could tell, no one was harmed in the making of Donghae as a millionaire.
When two men showed up claiming to be Mr. Lee Donghae's personal bodyguards everyone started to clue in to the fact that things were maybe not exactly normal.
Things were awkward at first, when everyone was trying to adjust to the new additions to Donghae's ensemble. Especially when Siwon ended up in a sleeper hold after touching Donghae a little too much and Heechul nearly suffocated laughing instead of trying to help and Hankyung just stood there helplessly because he seriously did not leave China for this. But Donghae assured everyone that his bodyguards were really friendly when you got to know them -- even though he wasn't entirely certain of their names and Sungmin swore he saw the taller one on a television program that might have been called something similar to Korea's Most Wanted, and not even Donghae knew for sure where they came from.
No one had the heart -- or other assets -- to ask the men who sent them or to please leave. After a while, Heechul decided he liked them and all talk of making them go away ended abruptly.
*
Nearly a month later a man walked into their apartment and began painting Donghae's portrait while he played a video game against Eunhyuk.
On the screen, Eunhyuk's car crashed into the guardrail as he was unable to stop staring at the man with the large canvas and paints. "What?" he asked.
"Why is that man painting a picture of Donghae?" asked Eeteuk, walking into the room. He didn't sound curious so much as he sounded tired, like things kept happening around him that he had no control over. "Isn't there a rule about this? No strange men in the house after midnight, especially if they are going to paint someone's picture. Someone should make a rule about this."
Kangin walked up behind Eeteuk and placed a comforting arm around their leader's shoulder. "I don't want to be leader anymore," Eeteuk continued. "Nothing makes sense anymore."
Kangin rubbed Eeteuk's back gently and steered him back into the bedroom. Before they were completely out of sight, Kangin looked back over his shoulder. "Someone figure out what's going on," he said.
"That painting could be so much better" said Heechul, leaning over the mysterious man. "I know," he said, sidestepping the bodyguards to sit next to Donghae and pushing Eunhyuk off of the sofa and onto the floor. "This is better. Add me in the picture."
The man looked up at Heechul for a moment, said nothing, and then went back to work.
"What?" Eunhyuk asked again. "Shouldn't we be doing something about this?"
Instead of answering, Heechul used Eunhyuk's shoulder as a footrest.
*
At some point in time, Heechul obviously figured out exactly what was going on and why Donghae was at the center of it all. Though, being who he was, he didn't think it necessary to inform anyone else, including Donghae. Not that Donghae seemed to mind considering everything was continuously working in his favor. Around the same time a short, older woman with her hair pulled up into a tight bun, began following Donghae around and taking notes on his daily life and recording most of the things he said. The only person besides Donghae that she appeared to have deemed worthy of speaking to was Heechul, which, on the surface, was nowhere near as terrifying as it should have been.
"Sometimes I wish this apartment was bigger," Donghae said casually, as he walked through the hallway followed by the woman furiously scribbling notes, two bodyguards, and Heechul, who wasn't actually following. Instead he was whispering to the woman and correcting some of her notes to fit his whims.
The next day their apartment was bigger, though it was almost impossible to notice at first until Sungmin pointed out that it now took him fifteen steps from the bathroom to Heechul's bedroom when it used to take only thirteen.
"That's not possible," said Kyuhyun. "Building can't just grow over night."
Donghae hummed happily to himself while he twirled his colorful bendy-straw in his glass of juice. "I think they can," he said. "The guy on the phone said so."
Heechul leaned over and whispered something in Donghae's ear. Donghae stared wide-eyed at Heechul for a moment, then he blinked, and broke into a wide grin. "I think it would be nice if Heechul's birthday was an international holiday," he said, taking hold of Heechul's hand.
The older woman quickly flipped a page in her notebook and started writing.
*
No one could say with any real certainty when the changes became impossible to ignore. Everything had happened so quickly, quietly, and efficiently that it was almost hard to tell when things had been different. Or at least that was the excuse given by anyone who had been there since the beginning and hadn't noticed what was going on until it was too late.
Kibum walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table where Sungmin was tiredly eating breakfast and Eunhyuk was emptying his wallet and looking progressively more distressed by the second.
"Lately..." Kibum trailed off like he wasn't sure what to say. "Have either of you." Kibum laughed nervously and rubbed at the back of his neck.
"Is this about Donghae?" asked Eunhyuk. "His face is on almost all of my money." And, he didn't say, the ones that didn't have Donghae's face on them, had the face of a woman who looked eerily similar to Heechul.
"Yeah," said Kibum.
"I got a call from Junsu yesterday and he said it's the same thing over in Japan," Eunhyuk added.
Sungmin picked up a coin and peered at it closely. "The other night I was thinking that, the way things are going, it's almost like Donghae is slowly and unintentionally taking over the world." He glanced around the table. "But that would be silly, right?"
band!fic
humor, weirdness
wow, I don't even know with this one. written for phasera who wanted something with Donghae. ♥ not sure when/if she'll see this, but I wanted to post it before I left. omg hollywood bowl kmf saturday \o/
Later everyone would agree that it could only have happened to Donghae. There would, of course, be the knowledge that Heechul could have easily done it too, but no one wanted to spend too much time on that train of thought. It was best for everyone to just count their blessings and be happy that it could have been much, much worse.
Donghae had been sent out to to buy food for everyone because he had lost the game that he hadn't even been aware he was playing until Heechul had declared him the loser and told him that that meant he was to be the one to go. Despite no one else being aware of this game, and it being pretty clear Heechul had made it up not ten seconds before he said Donghae he had lost, not a single person wanted to argue because in a democratic Super Junior dorm they might have been voted as the one to go in Donghae's place.
When Donghae came back nearly an hour later, carrying bags of what amounted to junkfood, junkfood, and more junkfood, he was also talking on a mobile phone that was most definitely not his. "Yes," he said into the phone. "No. No. Maybe. Once when I was about five. No." He set down the bags in the kitchen and looked around the room at everyone who were staring at him. "About thirteen. Yes. Donghae, Lee Donghae. No? I'm not sure what that is... Yes. Okay, have a good night!" He shut the phone, smiling happily. "He was nice."
"Donghae," started Eunhyuk, waving vaguely at nothing in particular. "What? Where did you get that?"
"Some guy in a trench-coat dropped a backpack into a trashcan and inside that was a brown paper bag and inside that was this phone," answered Donghae.
"And you just...took it?" Eunhyuk asked. Donghae gave him a look that clearly said he thought Eunhyuk was weird because of course he just took it, who wouldn't?
Eeteuk nodded slowly, as if he were trying very hard to understand the situation and failing miserably. "Who was that you were talking to?"
"Oh," said Donghae, "I'm not sure. He called the phone and started asking a lot of questions."
"This is all very fascinating," Heechul said, tearing open a bag of cookies. "Except it's not. If you're going to ask dumb questions, go somewhere where I can't hear you."
*
The incident was almost completely forgotten over the next few days, until late Friday afternoon when Donghae received a large, unmarked brown box in the mail.
"What do you think it is?" asked Sungmin, sitting next to Donghae as both of them studied the box while Kangin and Eeteuk tried to determine whether or not it was safe to open.
"Maybe it's a bomb," said Eunhyuk. "How many antis does Donghae have?"
Yehsung rolled his eyes. "No one wants to kill Donghae. We only have to be worried when Heechul gets something like this. Everyone wants him dead." Heechul slammed his heel down on Yehsung's toes.
Eeteuk poked the box with his index finger. When it didn't explode, release poisonous gasses, or kill them in any of the ways Eeteuk's brain had helpfully supplied him with images of, he nodded once and turned to Donghae. "You can open it."
Carefully, Donghae peeled off the packaging tape and pulled back the flaps of the box. For a moment no one spoke as everyone took the time to let their brains catch up to what their eyes were seeing.
"Is that... I mean... money," Eunhyuk said, quite coherently.
"A lot of money," said Kyuhyun.
Ryeowook picked up a stack of bills and looked at Donghae. "But why?"
Everyone else looked at Donghae too. He shrugged. "Maybe I'm just lucky."
*
After that, things managed to become even weirder. At first no one wanted to say anything because excessively-rich Donghae was quite generous to his friends and since no police officers has rushed through their front door demanding the money to be returned, no bank robberies had been reported, and no other mysterious packages with Donghae's name on them had shown up, it was really so much easier to just go with the flow of things. As far as anyone could tell, no one was harmed in the making of Donghae as a millionaire.
When two men showed up claiming to be Mr. Lee Donghae's personal bodyguards everyone started to clue in to the fact that things were maybe not exactly normal.
Things were awkward at first, when everyone was trying to adjust to the new additions to Donghae's ensemble. Especially when Siwon ended up in a sleeper hold after touching Donghae a little too much and Heechul nearly suffocated laughing instead of trying to help and Hankyung just stood there helplessly because he seriously did not leave China for this. But Donghae assured everyone that his bodyguards were really friendly when you got to know them -- even though he wasn't entirely certain of their names and Sungmin swore he saw the taller one on a television program that might have been called something similar to Korea's Most Wanted, and not even Donghae knew for sure where they came from.
No one had the heart -- or other assets -- to ask the men who sent them or to please leave. After a while, Heechul decided he liked them and all talk of making them go away ended abruptly.
*
Nearly a month later a man walked into their apartment and began painting Donghae's portrait while he played a video game against Eunhyuk.
On the screen, Eunhyuk's car crashed into the guardrail as he was unable to stop staring at the man with the large canvas and paints. "What?" he asked.
"Why is that man painting a picture of Donghae?" asked Eeteuk, walking into the room. He didn't sound curious so much as he sounded tired, like things kept happening around him that he had no control over. "Isn't there a rule about this? No strange men in the house after midnight, especially if they are going to paint someone's picture. Someone should make a rule about this."
Kangin walked up behind Eeteuk and placed a comforting arm around their leader's shoulder. "I don't want to be leader anymore," Eeteuk continued. "Nothing makes sense anymore."
Kangin rubbed Eeteuk's back gently and steered him back into the bedroom. Before they were completely out of sight, Kangin looked back over his shoulder. "Someone figure out what's going on," he said.
"That painting could be so much better" said Heechul, leaning over the mysterious man. "I know," he said, sidestepping the bodyguards to sit next to Donghae and pushing Eunhyuk off of the sofa and onto the floor. "This is better. Add me in the picture."
The man looked up at Heechul for a moment, said nothing, and then went back to work.
"What?" Eunhyuk asked again. "Shouldn't we be doing something about this?"
Instead of answering, Heechul used Eunhyuk's shoulder as a footrest.
*
At some point in time, Heechul obviously figured out exactly what was going on and why Donghae was at the center of it all. Though, being who he was, he didn't think it necessary to inform anyone else, including Donghae. Not that Donghae seemed to mind considering everything was continuously working in his favor. Around the same time a short, older woman with her hair pulled up into a tight bun, began following Donghae around and taking notes on his daily life and recording most of the things he said. The only person besides Donghae that she appeared to have deemed worthy of speaking to was Heechul, which, on the surface, was nowhere near as terrifying as it should have been.
"Sometimes I wish this apartment was bigger," Donghae said casually, as he walked through the hallway followed by the woman furiously scribbling notes, two bodyguards, and Heechul, who wasn't actually following. Instead he was whispering to the woman and correcting some of her notes to fit his whims.
The next day their apartment was bigger, though it was almost impossible to notice at first until Sungmin pointed out that it now took him fifteen steps from the bathroom to Heechul's bedroom when it used to take only thirteen.
"That's not possible," said Kyuhyun. "Building can't just grow over night."
Donghae hummed happily to himself while he twirled his colorful bendy-straw in his glass of juice. "I think they can," he said. "The guy on the phone said so."
Heechul leaned over and whispered something in Donghae's ear. Donghae stared wide-eyed at Heechul for a moment, then he blinked, and broke into a wide grin. "I think it would be nice if Heechul's birthday was an international holiday," he said, taking hold of Heechul's hand.
The older woman quickly flipped a page in her notebook and started writing.
*
No one could say with any real certainty when the changes became impossible to ignore. Everything had happened so quickly, quietly, and efficiently that it was almost hard to tell when things had been different. Or at least that was the excuse given by anyone who had been there since the beginning and hadn't noticed what was going on until it was too late.
Kibum walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table where Sungmin was tiredly eating breakfast and Eunhyuk was emptying his wallet and looking progressively more distressed by the second.
"Lately..." Kibum trailed off like he wasn't sure what to say. "Have either of you." Kibum laughed nervously and rubbed at the back of his neck.
"Is this about Donghae?" asked Eunhyuk. "His face is on almost all of my money." And, he didn't say, the ones that didn't have Donghae's face on them, had the face of a woman who looked eerily similar to Heechul.
"Yeah," said Kibum.
"I got a call from Junsu yesterday and he said it's the same thing over in Japan," Eunhyuk added.
Sungmin picked up a coin and peered at it closely. "The other night I was thinking that, the way things are going, it's almost like Donghae is slowly and unintentionally taking over the world." He glanced around the table. "But that would be silly, right?"