Tough Cookie
For nearly every one of the companies that I have interviewed for within the past year, I never truly felt like I deserved to be next to ANY of those people. As the year goes on, I feel less enthusiastic about myself, because deep down inside, I'm already anticipating failure. Does that kind of self degradation bother you? - I hope it does. I want these words to make you think about the position I'm in every time I'm faced with some kind of occupational hardship.
Manifesting false hopes is the worst feeling in my opinion; I'm led to believe I can match their standards, that I can work beside them someday. When in reality, I'm just a visitor in their office. After being rejected a few hundred times this past year - whether it's over the phone, via letter, email or silent realization that I was not chosen - I know I cannot work right now, because I'm not a "desirable candidate". Forget the phrase "equal opportunity," I've got something to say.
After discussing retail and work in general with friends, I've come to the conclusion that I am not cut-out to be like that. I've been told that companies prefer to hire those that reflect the qualities of themselves, in terms of attractiveness, attitude and enthusiasm. Trying to get into these businesses is like trying to fit in high school all over again. In other words, social acceptance equates financial security. So it sucks to be me, estranged with a resting bitch face.
How damaging is that, like for real? I readily know that don't qualify for any of these things; I know I'm so radically different as a person that it's bleeding from the pores on my face. I couldn't fit into that cookie-cutter category even if I tried. I'm sorry I can't be part of any store family/business, I realize that I am not one of you. I feel like a real outsider, disregarded during interviews and phone calls; I'm not willing to relive isolation just so I can have a paycheck.
I accept my differences, despite walking away empty handed almost every time. Does it hurt financially? Yes. But who cares whether I persevere and work as hard as the next person? Do I look like them? Do I act, think or talk like them? Hell No. Even if I was employed, is there any grain of respect left for anyone? It makes me wonder - Maybe all the people who talk behind my back are right and I really am an idiot for trying. Maybe I really am socially awkward, difficult to understand and hard to work with. I humiliate myself and I do it well; Don't remind me.
Why do you think I want to return to school so badly? Yes, I made mistakes by not deciding to do this sooner; I wasted so much time trying to put myself among people who don't even accept me. I'm a little older now and I understand what I have to do - what I want to do. School is the one institution that cannot turn me down, because a student's "job" and responsibility is to learn & succeed in their studies. For now, it's only place I see myself getting anything done.