Finding & Keeping a Life Partner
I emailed this to some of you already, but this is a must read!
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A. a
relationship coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating
the prospects of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,
no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close
to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their
approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting
married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should
never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically
correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for
getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.
When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let
me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love
alone". You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're
married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time?
Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper
and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things
can happen in a marriage. (1) You can grow together, or (2) you
can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To
make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person.
The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I
won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone
with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel
emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal
growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone
who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask
about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is
this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are
essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead
of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is
the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving
pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-
absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they
treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters,
bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and
siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can
you do nearly as much for them? Do they gossip and speak badly
about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
others! You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly,
will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept
this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry
them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less
with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to
the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you
wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself
in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of
or at least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the
relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and
which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel
worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand,
know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you ...the easier it will become for you to decide who
gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony
of your life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes
open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved
and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation,
immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't
fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really that important. Once you decide to commit to
someone, over time, his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves,
and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate
and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn
how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional
needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two
unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life
together. Neither one of you are perfect, but are you perfect for
each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you
compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do
you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem,
spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making
someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your
pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to
be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. HONEST COMMUNICATION
3. NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING OF TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME , WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS ,THOUGHTS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE E
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND RE-ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain
will replace the passion.
There it goes . . .
Success is nothing without someone meaningful to share it with....
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A. a
relationship coach who lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating
the prospects of long-term marital success.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,
no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close
to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their
approach to finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting
married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should
never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically
correct", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for
getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.
When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let
me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love
alone". You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious
about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're
married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with
someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time?
Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper
and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things
can happen in a marriage. (1) You can grow together, or (2) you
can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To
make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!
Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts
with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person.
The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I
won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and
feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone
with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel
emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can
you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal
growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving
themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone
who is always striving to be good and do the right thing". So ask
about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is
this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are
essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and
(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead
of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking
down the aisle.
QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is
the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give
another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving
pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-
absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they
treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters,
bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and
siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can
you do nearly as much for them? Do they gossip and speak badly
about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves
others! You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly,
will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this
person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a
colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to
change after marriage for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept
this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry
them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.
The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less
with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you
are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to
the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you
wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself
in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a
distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of
or at least minimize your time with draining, negative,
incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the
relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and
which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel
worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand,
know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and
truth around you ...the easier it will become for you to decide who
gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony
of your life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes
open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved
and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation,
immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't
fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as
faults aren't really that important. Once you decide to commit to
someone, over time, his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves,
and differences will become more obvious. If you love your mate
and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn
how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.
You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional
needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two
unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life
together. Neither one of you are perfect, but are you perfect for
each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you
compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete,
compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do
you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make
someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem,
spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making
someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your
pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to
be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. HONEST COMMUNICATION
3. NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING OF TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME , WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes,etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS ,THOUGHTS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE E
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND RE-ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain
will replace the passion.
There it goes . . .
Success is nothing without someone meaningful to share it with....