LEON VANCE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
LEON VANCE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format belongs to Theresa Green. I do not own NCIS, I am nothing more than a pathetic fan girl who writes FF because she can, and hogs the computer, much to the annoyance of the mother who so (un)willingly carried her for 9 months and raised her for the past 17 years, only to realise the kid was good with computers and hogs the 12 year old beast in the rabbit hole. She works on Windows XP, on a 6GB hardrive (internal), a Pentium 3 processor, and an Internet connection which relies on the FAIL Telecom XT network, on a 500MB cap which costs $39.95 a month, despite now living in suburbia, she is currently on her 2nd plan of the month.
As you can see, she is NOT a fan of Mr. Vance here. Please do not flame her for her obvious character bashing. Jenny forever! No offence to those in Taiwan, China is too ... overused.
WARNING: DO NOT HAVE ANY FOOD/DRINK IN ONES MOUTH.
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CONGRATULATIONS!
You are now the proud owner of a LEON VANCE unit! To unlock the full potential of your very own Backstabbing Arsehole of a Director, read the following guide with care, as misuse of the VANCE unit could cause damage to your NCIS team.
Technical Specifications
Name: Leon Vance, will also respond to "Arsehole", "Traitor", "Backstabber", "You Jerk", and "Hey - you, [smacks hand against fist]".
Age: 30 ish, do we even care.
Place of Manufacture: Cheap-In-Save, Taiwan.
Your VANCE comes with the following accessories:
Toothpick.
Suit.
Annoying "I am a know-it-all" attitude.
Please note the default outfit is not necessary a permanent feature, it can be changed at will, should you desire your VANCE unit to suffer public humiliation, feel free to hide his clothes and force him through the town center.
Removing your VANCE unit from his box
By reading this section carefully and following all instructions, extracting your new Director from his box should be a relatively easy and toothpick-less-in-the-neck procedure.
Remove all packaging at your leisure, should you wish to wait a week before opening the box, please do so. Once the box has been opened, slowly a drop a toothpick into the box, in which case the VANCE unit will grab and put into his mouth. Expect orders to fly out of his over-inflated mouth. Ignore these orders. You are not an NCIS (most likely) agent and so therefore do not really even need to look at him. Once the unit has been moved out of the box, tell him his collar is enven and move around to the neck area. The VANCE unit will be cautious, but put on a motherly voice (he is a momma's boy after all) and he will be putty. Enter the follwing ownership code and GIBBS slap his head, now the unit will reboot and will be under your complete control.
WARNING: If the box is empty upon opening, the VANCE unit is behind you, plotting how to maniplate the FBI into arresting you and charging you with terriosim or something only he could think of, (the idiot).
Feel free to panic, you might never see the sun ever again.
Programming
Your VANCE has been programmed with a number of useful functions and modes, each designed to maximise your own evil benefits and pleasures:
Your VANCE will come with the following functions:
Bossy-Boss: this function allows your VANCE unit to act like normal and try to control your every move. Be warned this function can activate by itself.
He also has a function where he will turn up at the very moment you start talking about him. As of yet, this function has not been named, suggestions are welcome, please email inquires.
Your VANCE will come with the following modes:
Antisocial (default)
Bastard
Boss Man
Fatherly (locked)
Out of Character (locked)
These modes can all be toggled using the mode lever on the side of the VANCE unit's neck. WARNING: OOC can be unlocked, and is shown through displays or FFs of VANCE unit being the good guy. Please disengage the VANCE unit and send back to Unit Corp ASAP.
Relations with Other Units:
ABBY SCIUTO: DUCKY MALLARD: TIMOTHY MCGEE: See TONY unit.
JENNY SHEPARD: The VANCE unit does not like this unit and will try to steal her job. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN AT ANY TIME.
TONY DINOZZO: This unit is known to piss the VANCE unit piss off. Tony's loyalty to his team aggravates him.
JETHRO GIBBS: The GIBBS unit will hide murderous feelings towards this unit. ALLOW BOTH UNITS TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM, NOTE: TOOTHPICK COULD/WOULD BE FOUND IN THE VANCE UNIT'S NECK.
ZIVA DAVID: This unit and the VANCE unit have an odd relationship, I suspect the ZIVA unit wishes to smack the VANCE unit. Allow the ZIVA unit to fulfill her dreams.
NCIS PLAYSET: This NCIS Playset will allow your VANCE unit to have heaps of fun bossing around all his employees.
Cleaning
The VANCE unit can clean himself, after all he is a full grown man(child).
Warning: VANCE units and its manufacturers are not responsible or liable for any marital disputes caused by bathing a VANCE unit and subsequent marriage proposals, (or murders).
Feeding
Your VANCE unit has a wife (shock) and she will feed him for you. Although should your VANCE unit be the unmarried type, I advice not feeding should you want to kill your VANCE unit, but feeding food could be a good idea if murder charge is unwanted.
Rest
The Vance unit will sleep for at least 8 hours. Cuddling is in no way ideal.
WARNING: the manufacturers will not be held responsible for any marital/relationship disputes that arise from any questionable activities between the owner and their unit.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: I left my VANCE unit alone with a JENNY unit and now he has made himself Director and JENNY unit will not talk about what happened/ or is dead.
A: In this case, it seems the VANCE unit has managed to weasel his way into being the Director. Burn all post Judgement Day DVDs and VHS.
Q: My VANCE unit has taken to walking behind me with his gun pulled out and I now have handcuffs on.
A: It seems your VANCE unit thinks you are up to something or is being really kinky, please send back to for a system reboot.
Q: I found my VANCE unit with a toothpick in his neck. Who do I sue?
A: Not us!!! The GIBBS/JENNY unit must have finally put an end to your VANCE unit, please now purchase another of our lovely range of NCIS units.
Q: I found my Vance unit using Twitter, I now follow him. Why is he even online?
A: Your VANCE unit must not understand the importance of National Security. Just because Barack Obama/White House has Twitter does not mean he should have one. I'm afraid of going back online now.
Troubleshooting
Problem: Your Vance unit has been making direct toll line calls to the White House.
Solution: Show him the $45 000 dollar bill and ban him from using the phone.
Problem: You walk in on your Vance unit wearing your lipstick and your cocktail dresses. He even shaved his legs.
Solution: ...
Problem: Your Vance unit has been walking around clucking like a chicken for the past hour.
Solution: Let him be, he is showing his true colors.
Problem: You walk in on your VANCE unit making out with a JENNY unit.
Solution: Holy Mother of Christ. RUN for the love of God, RUN!!!
Final Note
With no care your VANCE unit will die, with care your VANCE unit could die. Make sure to state in that piece of paper you call a 'will' who gets this bastard, why you even brought him in the first place when you could have a GIBBS unit is beyond me. The GIBBS unit is so cuddly and cute and way cooler than the VANCE unit.
So there we go. The final of the NCIS units that I will write. I apologise to those waiting for Fornell/Ducky/Palmer units, but I do not know the characters well enough, you are welcome to write your own fics for those three characters and drop me a line so I can add them to the NCIS user guides community.
Thank you to all who have loved these fics! Now I am off to confront my GIBBS unit for ordering digital porn, how he ever worked out how to use SKY is amazing (even my mother can't). I mean really, god that DiNozzo unit down the road, he is such a bad influence! And in my mother's house! Gah! Hope she doesn't find the bill.