Blah blah blah whatever......
I've felt this way for a while, but I haven't talked to anyone about it. Mostly because there is no one around to talk to, and I'm not about to talk to my parents that know nothing about what goes on with me.
Things have been going fine here in NM. That's not that this is about. It's about things back in MT. Lately I've been thinking about going back to school there, but I'm conflicted about it. I keep thinking, "Do I want to go back there because it's safe to go back there? Because I know the town, I know that I have friends there and things will be easier to deal with?" or "Do I genuinely want to go back to school there because I like the school?" I don't know what to do. I mean one day I'll want to go back, then the next day I hate the idea of going back. This all might be because I miss everyone there, and I want to be with them when they need me. But I don't what it to be my fail safe. I don't always want to rely on the fact that I can go there and be comfortable, and hope that things will go back to the way they were before I left. I know that things have already changed, that things can't go back to the way that I want them to be.
That brings me to another matter that I have to deal with. I have to deal with said issue either by talking to the actual people I'm talking about or I have to deal with it internally(by letting things work themselves out in my head). I'm having friend issues, again. Big surprise right? I'm always having friend issues, so much fucking drama. Now, I realize that because I'm so far away from a lot of my friends that I can't expect to talk to them all the time. I mean we all have our own lives to deal with. But the lines of communication are all that we have left to keep us connected now. I can't deal with not talking to someone for a long period of time anymore. I can't go weeks without talking to someone then hang out with them for a day or a weekend, and say that everything is alright. Or be like, "It's okay we'll reconnect on the winter break or spring break or in the summer." I can't do that anymore, because I won't be able to reconnect with people in such a way. I won't be there in the winter, I won't be there in the spring, and I won't be there all summer. At most I'll have snip-bits of time in all year that I can see people. I don't want to lose people as friends. I don't want to end up having to say, "Yeah I used to be friends with so-and-so, but we lost touch." I'm already afraid that I'm losing people, and I don't know how to stop it from happening. And I don't know how to stop myself from pushing people away so that I won't get hurt. I know that it's selfish, but I just don't want the pain that I know will come.
Well, that's all from me for now. I hope you all are doing better than I am. Lates.
Things have been going fine here in NM. That's not that this is about. It's about things back in MT. Lately I've been thinking about going back to school there, but I'm conflicted about it. I keep thinking, "Do I want to go back there because it's safe to go back there? Because I know the town, I know that I have friends there and things will be easier to deal with?" or "Do I genuinely want to go back to school there because I like the school?" I don't know what to do. I mean one day I'll want to go back, then the next day I hate the idea of going back. This all might be because I miss everyone there, and I want to be with them when they need me. But I don't what it to be my fail safe. I don't always want to rely on the fact that I can go there and be comfortable, and hope that things will go back to the way they were before I left. I know that things have already changed, that things can't go back to the way that I want them to be.
That brings me to another matter that I have to deal with. I have to deal with said issue either by talking to the actual people I'm talking about or I have to deal with it internally(by letting things work themselves out in my head). I'm having friend issues, again. Big surprise right? I'm always having friend issues, so much fucking drama. Now, I realize that because I'm so far away from a lot of my friends that I can't expect to talk to them all the time. I mean we all have our own lives to deal with. But the lines of communication are all that we have left to keep us connected now. I can't deal with not talking to someone for a long period of time anymore. I can't go weeks without talking to someone then hang out with them for a day or a weekend, and say that everything is alright. Or be like, "It's okay we'll reconnect on the winter break or spring break or in the summer." I can't do that anymore, because I won't be able to reconnect with people in such a way. I won't be there in the winter, I won't be there in the spring, and I won't be there all summer. At most I'll have snip-bits of time in all year that I can see people. I don't want to lose people as friends. I don't want to end up having to say, "Yeah I used to be friends with so-and-so, but we lost touch." I'm already afraid that I'm losing people, and I don't know how to stop it from happening. And I don't know how to stop myself from pushing people away so that I won't get hurt. I know that it's selfish, but I just don't want the pain that I know will come.
Well, that's all from me for now. I hope you all are doing better than I am. Lates.