Fic: In Closer Bonds [Glee]
Title: In Closer Bonds
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Tina, Sam, various Warblers
Word count: 5,315
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: It scared Blaine sometimes how hard he'd fallen once he'd let himself feel again, but Sebastian-he was risk and reward, danger and safety, threat and protection all at once. He made Blaine feel alive. But lately... Lately, it hurt. Eighth in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: This installment was much longer in coming than expected since I’ve been dealing with some health issues over the last couple of weeks. The title comes from a quote by Alphonse de Lamartine: “Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.”
In Closer Bonds
In the weeks after they got back from Portland, Blaine and Sebastian started fighting more.
It started out innocuously enough-disagreements about small things like who should pay for dinner or what movie to watch; they ended quickly, usually with a coy smile from Blaine and Sebastian launching himself at the other boy, leaving the disturbance completely forgotten in the aftermath. But as time went on, the small disagreements turned into bigger arguments, whether about Blaine forgetting that he’d made plans with Sam and Artie on a date night or Sebastian spending longer and longer hours at his internship.
And the arguments quickly escalated into full-blown fights, resulting in one of them storming out of the other’s apartment, a slamming door in his wake. But those too resolved after a few days of simmering silence with one of them showing up at the other’s door and ending with them tumbling into bed.
But it all came to a head the weekend before the Fourth of July.
“So, the Fourth?” Sebastian asked as he handed Blaine a cup of coffee, a suggestive leer on his lips. They stood in Sebastian’s kitchen, Sebastian in a low-slung pair of sweatpants and Blaine in the shorts and t-shirt he’d been wearing the day before. “I have a three day weekend. Make our own fireworks?”
Blaine snorted as he took the cup. “That is a terrible line, even for you.”
“Pre-coffee,” Sebastian argued with a hint of a whine. “You can’t hold me accountable for anything before coffee.”
Blaine’s lips twitched and he raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you’re not accountable for waking me up-”
“Okay, fine,” Sebastian muttered, and Blaine grinned victoriously. Of course Sebastian would want to take credit for waking Blaine up with a rather spectacular blowjob; it was a matter of pride.
“Can’t have it both ways, Smythe,” Blaine teased before taking a long sip of coffee.
“But seriously, Friday,” Sebastian said as they sat down on the couch. Blaine twisted so his feet were in Sebastian’s lap and brought his mug to his lips.
“Don’t you remember?”
Sebastian frowned. “Remember what?”
“I’m going home Wednesday night. I’ll be back Monday evening.”
“What?”
“Sebastian, I booked the flight two months ago.”
“I remember,” Sebastian replied flatly. “I was going to go with you, but I took so much time off for the funeral that I had to cancel my trip. I just assumed you had too.” His expression darkened. “My mistake, apparently.”
Blaine bit his lip, his post-orgasm contentment fading as guilt gnawed at his insides and the temperature of the room seemed to drop. “The recording studio is closed Thursday and Friday, and I adjusted my schedule so I could take Monday off as well.”
“So you’re leaving me here alone.”
Blaine winced and pulled his feet from Sebastian’s lap as the other boy rose. “It’s just for a few days,” he argued. “A few days that you knew about!” He shook his head. “Besides, I’m not your only friend, as you’re so fond of reminding me.”
The last reminder had come a week earlier when Blaine had made plans to see a play with Tina on a night he thought Sebastian would be working late yet again. Sebastian seemed to choose nights to stay late at his internship arbitrarily, so Blaine felt like he never knew when he was going to see his boyfriend anymore; it had become a cornerstone in their increasingly frequent arguments.
“You’re not my only friend either, Killer,” Sebastian said dismissively once Blaine apologized, though Blaine wasn’t entirely convinced he had anything to apologize for.
Blaine poked him in the side. “Yes, I know how much you’ve been dying to visit James and play Halo like a frat boy.”
“James has other interests.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes.” Sebastian paused. “I don’t actually know what they are, but I don’t doubt they exist.”
Blaine snorted. “Well, my apologies once again. I shouldn’t have assumed.”
“Damn right.”
“But,” Blaine added, shifting to straddle Sebastian’s legs while Sebastian steadied him with hands on his hips, his thumb teasing the skin just below Blaine’s waistband. “I am your only friend who does this.” He pressed forward and kissed Sebastian, gripping the other boy’s shoulders while Sebastian’s hands roamed under his shirt and over his back.
Sebastian didn’t disagree on that point, anyway.
“I see.”
Blaine prickled at Sebastian’s tone. “‘You see’ what?”
“Who you really care about.”
Blaine put his mug down and stood, irritation coursing through him as he crossed his arms. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Sebastian clenched his jaw and looked away. “Nothing.”
“My parents paid for the ticket, Sebastian. I haven’t been home since Christmas and the Warblers are having a get together. I was able to get my schedule to work, so yes, I’m going.”
“And I suppose you’ll be seeing some of your New Directions friends, too.”
Sebastian had always been a bit dismissive of Blaine’s McKinley friends outside of Sam and Tina (and, on occasion, Artie), though Blaine was never sure if it was because they’d encouraged him to stay at McKinley rather than come back to Dalton or if Sebastian was jealous since he’d never gotten as close to the Warblers as Blaine had to his New Directions.
“I don’t know, maybe.” His brows creased. “I didn’t realize I needed your permission either way.”
They stared at each other, eyes narrowed and slightly out of breath, before Sebastian finally broke the silence. “You know what, never mind. It’s fine. Have fun. I’m going to take a shower.”
“Perfect,” Blaine snapped, already looking for his phone and keys as Sebastian headed for the bathroom. “Try to scrub the jackass off while you’re in there.”
The shutting door cut off Sebastian’s reply, which was probably for the best. Blaine slid his shoes on and left the apartment, scrubbing angrily at his eyes.
-----
When Blaine got back to the apartment that morning he wasn’t quick enough to avoid his roommates; Tina spotted his red-rimmed eyes immediately and dragged him by the hand into the living room where Sam was sitting in the armchair. She sat Blaine down on the couch and flopped down next to him while Sam turned the television off.
“You had another fight,” Tina said. It wasn’t a question.
Blaine sighed and didn’t bother disagreeing. “Sebastian’s grieving.”
He’d been telling himself the same thing over and over since they’d started fighting, swallowing down sarcastic responses because engaging the fight wasn’t going to help Sebastian deal with his pain, but it was getting harder and harder not to take the fights personally. He’d told Sebastian a lot of things in confidence and Sebastian was never short on cutting remarks, so the other boy was well-equipped to hurt deeply.
And the fight today had just pushed Blaine over the edge.
“It’s been a month,” Tina pointed out as she crossed her under her and hugged a pillow.
Blaine shrugged uncomfortably, feeling the hurt drain out of him in the presence of his best friends, which left an overwhelming weariness in its wake. It had been a long month.
“There’s no timetable on grief, Tay-tay,” he said.
She shook her head. “It’s getting worse.”
Blaine rubbed a hand over his face. “He’s grieving,” he repeated, briefly wondering who exactly he was trying to convince. “He’s never lost anyone before, and he lost someone very important to him. I just don’t think he really knows how to deal with it.”
“That doesn’t mean he should be saying that crap to you,” Sam argued, leaning forward. “He said he was going to prove he’d changed, but from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look that way.”
Blaine shut his eyes and melted back into the couch cushions. He really didn’t want to be having this conversation or think about the fights meant, not when so much of being with Sebastian had come so easily for so long. “It’s not all on him. We’ve both said things.”
“After Kurt, do you really think you-” Tina started.
Blaine’s eyes snapped open and he sat upright, the name sending a painful jolt through him. “Tina, don’t.”
“Blink, I just mean--”
Blaine shook his head. “This is nothing like that. Sebastian lashes out when he’s upset, and I guess...” He trailed off as words escaped him. He could sense Tina and Sam exchanging worried glances.
“What is it, bro?” Sam asked.
Blaine leaned his head against the back of the sofa, his heart heavy. Maybe Tina was right; he and Kurt had cut ties when they realized they were only going to keep hurting each other. Were he and Sebastian just going to keep hurting and fucking and hurting each other over and over again until they just... broke?
He cared about Sebastian. A lot. It scared him sometimes how hard he’d fallen once he’d let himself feel again, but Sebastian-he was risk and reward, danger and safety, threat and protection all at once. He made Blaine feel alive.
But lately...
Lately, it hurt. It hurt not knowing whether he’d see Sebastian on any given day or whether they’d have a peaceful night or argue over something stupid yet again. It hurt the way watching Kurt check his phone when they were in bed together had. And he’d promised himself he was never going to make that mistake again.
Blaine’s breath hitched. “I can’t keep doing this to myself, can I?”
-----
Blaine and Sebastian didn’t speak again before Blaine left for Ohio. Blaine checked his phone several times before boarding the flight Wednesday evening and again when the plane landed in Columbus, but the only messages were from the Warblers about the upcoming party and Cooper about his latest audition.
Shoving down a pang of hurt, Blaine squared his shoulders and headed for baggage claim where he met his mother with a genuine smile and a big hug. For all the drama and his struggles after coming out, it still felt good to go home after a long time away.
He spent Thursday morning with his parents then made the hour-and-a-half drive-and man, it was nice to drive again for the first time since January-to David’s family’s lake house. He turned up the Top 40 station on the radio, rolled down his windows, and sang along loudly and purposefully off-key as he drove down the freeway.
It was mid-afternoon when he pulled up the gravel drive and parked next to three other cars-David’s, Wes’, and Jeff’s. He grabbed his duffel from the back seat and headed to the back where he knew everyone would be gathered. When he rounded the house and found his friends sitting on the deck, he noticed the only person missing was Trent.
“Blaine!” Nick called. “You made it!”
“Here I am,” he replied with a grin before being tackled by flying hugs from Nick and Jeff and receiving more subdued, though no less enthusiastic, hugs from David and Wes.
“Trent’s not here yet?” he asked, looking around.
“He should be here in about half an hour,” David said, steering Blaine to an open chair. “Sit, man. We haven’t seen you in forever!”
“We need to hear all about your glamorous life, Mr. Big Time New York!” Jeff said with a grin as he elbowed Blaine in the side.
Blaine laughed, though it sounded strained to his ears.
“Give the man some room,” Wes said.
Blaine looked up to see a knowing look on Wes’ face and he gave his friend a grateful smile. Of course Wes would recognize if something was off with him. Wes was the only person outside of Sam and Tina that he’d initially told the full details about his breakup with Kurt, and they’d kept in close contact since. Wes had also been the first Warbler Blaine had told when he’d finally gotten together with Sebastian, but he’d avoided sending any emails about the recent fights; he hadn’t been ready to tell anyone outside of Sam and Tina, and they only knew because they had witnessed several of them.
“We’re saving story time until Warbler Trent has arrived, remember?” There were a few grumbles, but Wes still had that aura of authority that all former Warblers deferred to. So, with everyone’s attention successfully diverted, Wes slid into the seat next to Blaine.
“Thanks,” Blaine said.
Wes shrugged. “It was nothing. But more importantly, are you okay?”
“It’s just stressful back in New York right now,” Blaine hedged.
Wes raised an eyebrow but didn’t push, instead launching into an overly detailed plan for a sing-along that night that Blaine easily fell into with gusto.
Trent arrived about an hour after Blaine, complaining about getting lost on the back roads to David’s house.
“You’ve been here before,” David pointed out after hugging his friend.
“Yeah, but I was never the one driving!” Trent retorted. “My GPS was trying to take me into the woods.”
“Don’t worry Trent,” Jeff consoled with a pat on the back, “I’m pretty sure the Blair Witch only comes out at night.”
“Not funny,” Trent muttered with a shudder as his friends laughed.
Eventually they ordered pizza and took it out to the dock to watch the sunset and dip their feet into the lake. Trent nearly went over the side a couple of times when Jeff and Nick got a little too enthusiastic harassing each other, but Blaine and Thad managed to catch him in time. Once darkness fell and the pizza had run out, they moved to shore and started a campfire in the fire pit while David grabbed a cooler of drinks and marshmallows for roasting from the house.
“It’s too bad Sebastian couldn’t make it,” David said as he handed out skewers and marshmallows. “It doesn’t seem like a full Warbler reunion without one of the former captains.”
Blaine, who was sitting between Trent and Nick, nearly dropped the marshmallow he was trying to spear. He knew David was fishing for information, but he really didn’t want to have this conversation. He’d known it was going to come up eventually, though; Sebastian had been a Warbler for two years and had originally planned to attend the party as well. The only other cancellation had been Jon, who was traveling with his parents for the summer.
“Yeah. He couldn’t take any more time off after his grandmother’s funeral,” he said.
Even with his head down, Blaine could tell his friends were exchanging looks. The last Warbler gathering had been at New Year’s when Blaine and Sebastian were still testing the boundaries of their newly rediscovered, tentative friendship. In the spring, news of them getting together had spread around their Dalton friends on Facebook and through texts, but said friends hadn’t gotten to grill either of them in person about it. And there was nowhere Blaine could escape to avoid it this weekend.
“So when did you guys get together again?” David asked, his voice far too innocent.
Blaine watched his friend warily. “In March.”
“Pay up,” Nick said, nudging Jeff.
“Dammit,” Jeff muttered, pulling his wallet from his pocket and handing Nick a bill.
Startled, Blaine glanced around the campfire as Thad also gave David a bill. “Wait, you guys were making bets?”
“Jeff thought you’d get together before high school was over,” Trent supplied.
Jeff groaned exaggeratedly. “Obviously I lost that one.”
“I had money on before summer vacation,” Nick said proudly.
“Same,” David piped up.
“Oh my god,” Blaine groaned, dropping his face into his hands. “I don’t know you people.”
“So how are you guys doing?” Thad asked as he rotated his marshmallow over the campfire once the bets had been settled.
Blaine opened his mouth, to say what he wasn’t sure-that they were fine, thanks very much?-but the breath left his body, the reminder of their most recent fight hitting him like a blow he hadn’t seen coming.
“I don’t know,” he muttered, blinking a couple of times. “We haven’t spoken since Saturday.”
“What?”
“Why?”
“Are you fighting?”
“What happened?”
The chorus of his friends’ voices was too much for Blaine, coming at him from all sides and sucking all the air from around him; he dropped the skewer he’d been holding and jumped to his feet, averting his eyes from the concerned gazes of the others as they fell silent in confusion.
“I’m sorry,” he said hurriedly, already backing away from the fire. “I just- I need some air.”
Blaine hurried away from the fire and the sounds of his friends’ concerned voices and ended up on the edge of the dock before he knew where his feet were taking him. With a tired sigh, he sat down on the end and pulled his shoes off. He pulled one knee up to his chest and dipped the other foot into the warm water, skimming patterns into the surface with his big toe. He rested his arm on his knee, watching the ripples in the water disappear and trying not to think about the fight and the hurt of seeing no messages on his phone since.
He heard familiar footsteps on the creaking wood of the dock behind him; of course he would be the one to seek Blaine out after a freak out. He wouldn’t let anyone else try, not when he’d been the one to take Blaine, still battered, bruised, and skittish from the dance, under his wing on his first day at Dalton.
“I’m sorry about them,” Wes said as he approached. “They never did quite know when to shut their mouths.”
Blaine shook his head as Wes sat down next to him, feeling that familiar weariness seeping into his bones. “It’s not their fault.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Blaine pursed his lips and considered. Wes knew Sebastian, but not as well as the other Warblers or even the New Directions, who knew him through competition. It might be nice to have an outside perspective to help him get his head on straight.
“We’ve been fighting-a lot-since his grandmother’s funeral,” Blaine said, looking out over the lake as he spoke. “Actually,” he backtracked, “we had a fight the night before he found out she’d died. We talked, but it didn’t fix anything. And things have only gotten worse since.”
Wes made an encouraging sound for him to continue.
Blaine sighed. “And it’s usually over stupid stuff, but the longer these things go on, the more they linger.” He frowned as he sorted through his thoughts. “But being with Sebastian, in some ways it’s easier than it ever was with Kurt. But in other ways it’s so much harder, and I feel completely out of my depth.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “It’s dumb, I know.”
“It’s not dumb, Blaine,” Wes replied. “If you’re hurting, you’re hurting.”
“But he’s hurting more than I am,” Blaine said tiredly. “He’s the one grieving.”
“It’s not a competition. You know that.”
“You’re right. It’s just-”
“What?”
Blaine pulled his foot out of the water and crossed his legs beneath him. “I promised myself after losing Kurt that I was never going to make the same mistake-to let myself get hurt like that again.”
“And you think that’s happening with Sebastian?” There was no judgment in Wes’ voice, just curiosity. That quality was what had always made Blaine feel comfortable talking to Wes about his problems.
Blaine shrugged helplessly. “I guess. Maybe?” He sighed. “I just feel really turned around right now.”
“I don’t know him as well as you do, obviously,” Wes said. “But I get the impression that Sebastian would be the kind of person to lash out when he’s upset.”
“Yes, that’s accurate,” Blaine replied grimly.
“So do you think that maybe he’s trying to push you away?”
Blaine blinked. “What?”
Wes shrugged and looked back over the lake as a fish jumped in the distance. The sounds of their friends laughing over by the campfire mixed in with the sounds of insects buzzing, an otherwise serene summer night. “I just wonder if Sebastian might be trying to see how far he can push you until you leave.”
Blaine considered that, eyes widening in growing horror at the thought. “Oh my god.”
Sebastian hated being vulnerable in front of anyone, and he’d let Blaine see him at his lowest at the funeral. Had the fights and long hours at his internship been a test to see if Blaine would judge Sebastian lacking after seeing him vulnerable? Or were they a way to push Blaine away before he could do so?
“Oh my god,” he said again, turning back to Wes. “I’m an idiot.”
“No you’re not.”
“Yes I am. He’s been pushing me and I’ve just been pushing right back.” Blaine rubbed a hand over his face. “I need to talk to him when I get back to New York. If he’ll even take my call.” He spared a wan smile for his friend. “Thanks Wes.”
“That’s what I’m here for, Warbler Blaine,” Wes replied in a mock stern voice.
Blaine laughed and grabbed his shoes. “Let’s go back. Maybe they saved us some marshmallows.”
-----
Friday afternoon, Blaine was walking from the lake house down the path to the lake after a shower when he heard his name being called. He looked up to see David waving at him from the shore where he, Wes, and Thad were sitting on towels while Trent, Nick, and Jeff waded in the lake.
“While you’re up there, can you grab some extra towels from the linen closet?”
“And some drinks,” Jeff added before going underwater with a yelp as Nick dunked him. Trent cackled in laughter until Jeff surfaced and splashed him square in the face with water. Jeff whooped in victory while Trent sputtered.
“Sure,” Blaine replied with a laugh and a wave before turning back to the house.
He’d gathered an armful of towels and was grabbing some sodas from the refrigerator when he heard the back door open.
“Oh good. I could use a hand with-” Blaine cut himself off as he turned around. His eyes widened and the sodas in his hands clattered to the floor. “Oh.”
“Hi,” Sebastian said, shifting his weight awkwardly.
“What are you doing here?” Blaine replied dumbly. He blinked a few more times, making sure he wasn’t imagining things, then shook his head. “Come up with some more insults to hurl my way?”
Sebastian shook his head. “I think we were both pretty thorough, don’t you?” He swallowed. “I didn’t fly all the way to Ohio for a fight, Blaine.”
“Then why are you here?” Blaine asked as he knelt down to pick up the errant cans. After talking with Wes, he’d had every intention of trying to sort things out with Sebastian when he got back to New York, but now that the other boy was standing in front of him, all the hurt from before the trip had come rushing back.
“You’re not happy to see me.”
Blaine frowned. “I’m not sure yet.”
“Blaine-”
“When did you get in?” Blaine asked, shifting behind the counter to keep an obstacle between them.
“I came right from the airport,” Sebastian replied with a shrug. “My bag’s in my rental.”
“You rented a car?” For some reason that was the detail that stuck out to him in his surprise.
Sebastian shrugged. “It was kind of a last minute trip. My dad doesn’t even know I’m in town.”
“How last minute?”
Sebastian’s lips quirked wryly. “Wes called me at two in the morning, and he, David, and Thad proceeded to inform me that I’m a moron and needed to get my ass on the first flight to Ohio.”
Blaine blinked, trying to process that. For a brief moment, he considered bringing the shaken soda cans he’d rescued from the floor out to his meddling friends, but on the other hand...
“So you did?” Blaine asked, finally daring to make eye contact with Sebastian.
“So I did,” he confirmed. He looked nervous as he waited for Blaine to react, and somehow that helped Blaine process what was going on. Sebastian was here for him. And that spoke volumes.
Blaine let out a shaky breath. “Okay.” He pursed his lips. “Do the guys know you’re here?”
Sebastian glanced toward the back door. “Yeah, they know.”
“Traitors,” Blaine muttered without any heat. He should’ve known that Wes wouldn’t just let their conversation slide; he’d always gone above and beyond to help when they’d been at Dalton together. “I talked to Wes last night. Before he called you.”
“I figured,” Sebastian replied, raising an eyebrow.
“He helped me figure out what you’ve been doing.”
Sebastian shoved his hands into his shorts pockets and inclined his head. “Oh? Enlighten me.”
“You’re seeing how far you can push this,” Blaine replied, gesturing between them. “How far you can push us before we break.”
“Is that so?”
Blaine rounded the counter and leaned back against it, crossing his arms against his chest. “You’re hurting and you don’t like being vulnerable around anyone. I’ve seen you vulnerable, so you’re pushing at me to see how long I’ll stick around.”
Sebastian inclined his head, though there was something flickering in his eyes. “And how many armchair psychology books did you need to read to come up with that, Anderson?”
“None. I just know you.”
“Or maybe you don’t know me half as well as you think,” Sebastian countered, raising an eyebrow in challenge.
“Then why are you pushing me away?” Blaine demanded, a little irritated.
“Because I love you!”
A response died on Blaine’s tongue and he reeled back, eyes wide. “What?” he whispered, not sure he dared believe what he’d heard.
Sebastian looked almost as startled as Blaine, but he plowed on anyway. “I love you,” he repeated. “And as you may have noticed, I don’t deal well with emotions,” he added with a wide gesture, voice rising. “I freaked out when I realized I had feelings for you in high school and then I nearly blinded you. So yeah, I’ve been pushing you away.” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “And I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Blaine stared at Sebastian in disbelief, remembering all the calls that he’d ignored in the wake of his injury and the other boy’s face at the Lima Bean when they’d met before Regionals. He remembered going back to Dalton to retrieve the New Directions’ Nationals trophy and the intense, knowing looks Sebastian had given him.
He thought back to all those afternoons talking over coffee in New York, evenings spent curled up on the couch, and eventually nights in bed. He thought of the reverence in Sebastian’s eyes and touches. But most importantly, Blaine thought of the trust Sebastian had placed in him, dropping his armor and letting Blaine see and get to know him.
Oh.
Oh.
“You’re an idiot,” Blaine murmured, expression softening. Sebastian’s face fell, but Blaine strode across the room and threw his arms around Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian jolted in surprise but wrapped his arms around Blaine’s back. “You’re an idiot,” he whispered into Sebastian’s ear, “because I love you too.”
Sebastian’s breath caught, and Blaine could feel the other boy start trembling as he gripped Blaine’s t-shirt tightly. Blaine squeezed him once more before stepping back, brushing his hands down Sebastian’s arms and gripping his hands. Sebastian stared at Blaine in disbelief.
“Really?”
Blaine leaned up to kiss Sebastian on the lips once more, certainty settling over him and clicking into place. “Really.”
Sebastian pulled at Blaine’s hands so he’d follow him over to the couch, where they sat down. “I actually came to apologize today,” he said. Blaine raised an eyebrow and Sebastian laughed quietly. “Yeah, yeah. Apologies aren’t exactly my trademark. But I know I’ve been an asshole lately. It’s a defense mechanism.”
As he listened to Sebastian, Blaine was struck by the memory of a conversation they’d had a few nights after they’d gotten together.
“I break everything I touch,” Sebastian said while they lay tangled together on Blaine’s couch watching a movie.
“You won’t break this,” Blaine replied, kissing the back of his hand.
“I already did. Once.”
Blaine turned back to look at him with a frown. Sebastian’s expression was unusually open, uncertainty in his eyes. And seeing that made Blaine, in that moment, feel surer about this-about them-than he had about anything in a very long time.
“Then you know what not to do this time.”
“Blaine-”
“We’re both different people now, Bas. We’re not going to break like that again.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Killer,” Sebastian retorted, sounding almost sad.
Intellectually, Blaine knew Sebastian had a point; he’d made promises to Kurt and Kurt to him about them and their future and look how they’d ended up. But his heart was telling him differently now.
“Are you going to throw a slushie at me again?” Blaine asked.
Sebastian flinched and cursed under his breath. “Of course not.”
“Then we’re not going to break like that again,” Blaine reiterated. “We might break, I don’t know. I’m kind of a wreck and you’re... well, you’re you,” he added with a teasing smile at Sebastian’s raised eyebrow. “But it won’t be like that, okay?”
Sebastian studied him for a long moment before taking a breath and whispering, “Okay,” his tone almost sounding like surrender.
“Maybe a little,” Blaine agreed, resting his hand on Sebastian’s knee. “But so have I. I kept pushing back.”
Sebastian just shook his head, like he hadn’t quite gotten the right words out. “I told you in Portland that most people come and go in my life, never staying.” Blaine nodded, remembering. He’d been a little stung that Sebastian had thought he would abandon him, but they had gone a year without speaking, so it wasn’t entirely unjustified. “I guess I started freaking out about what it would mean if you did stay. For both of us.”
“Bas-”
“I’m not a nice person, Blaine,” Sebastian said, cutting him off. “You know that better than anyone.”
Blaine’s eye twitched involuntarily at the reminder and he sighed. “We’ve all made bad choices, Bas.”
“Some more than others.”
“What do you want me to say, Sebastian? That you’re a fuck up?” Blaine asked, squaring to face Sebastian. Sebastian looked startled at the direct question-and probably the language since Blaine rarely swore outside of sex-but he was trying to make a point and catching Sebastian off-guard was the best way to do that, he’d found. He wasn’t going to let this go, not now.
“I-”
“If so, fine,” Blaine replied. “You fucked up and I got hurt. But I’m still here. And guess what? I’ve had my fair share of fuck ups and hurt other people too. So if you think that is going to push me away…”
Sebastian stared at Blaine for the longest time like Blaine had grown a second head, but finally he shook himself. “I love you,” he said again, sounding almost awed. Then his lips twitched upward. “I love you,” he repeated.
Blaine leaned forward. “Mm, I like the sound of that,” he said before kissing Sebastian again, his eyes fluttering shut. The other boy cupped Blaine’s cheek with a hand, and Blaine pulled back to rest his forehead against Sebastian’s, his eyes still shut as his heart pounded in his chest. “I love you too.”
“So are we-?”
“Okay?” Blaine finished, opening his eyes.
Sebastian nodded, tracing his thumb down Blaine’s jawbone.
“We will be,” Blaine replied, swallowing at the light touch. Once Sebastian made a noise of agreement, Blaine grinned and rose, then pulled Sebastian to his feet. “Now let’s go see if the guys were taking bets about us again.”
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Tina, Sam, various Warblers
Word count: 5,315
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: It scared Blaine sometimes how hard he'd fallen once he'd let himself feel again, but Sebastian-he was risk and reward, danger and safety, threat and protection all at once. He made Blaine feel alive. But lately... Lately, it hurt. Eighth in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: This installment was much longer in coming than expected since I’ve been dealing with some health issues over the last couple of weeks. The title comes from a quote by Alphonse de Lamartine: “Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.”
In Closer Bonds
In the weeks after they got back from Portland, Blaine and Sebastian started fighting more.
It started out innocuously enough-disagreements about small things like who should pay for dinner or what movie to watch; they ended quickly, usually with a coy smile from Blaine and Sebastian launching himself at the other boy, leaving the disturbance completely forgotten in the aftermath. But as time went on, the small disagreements turned into bigger arguments, whether about Blaine forgetting that he’d made plans with Sam and Artie on a date night or Sebastian spending longer and longer hours at his internship.
And the arguments quickly escalated into full-blown fights, resulting in one of them storming out of the other’s apartment, a slamming door in his wake. But those too resolved after a few days of simmering silence with one of them showing up at the other’s door and ending with them tumbling into bed.
But it all came to a head the weekend before the Fourth of July.
“So, the Fourth?” Sebastian asked as he handed Blaine a cup of coffee, a suggestive leer on his lips. They stood in Sebastian’s kitchen, Sebastian in a low-slung pair of sweatpants and Blaine in the shorts and t-shirt he’d been wearing the day before. “I have a three day weekend. Make our own fireworks?”
Blaine snorted as he took the cup. “That is a terrible line, even for you.”
“Pre-coffee,” Sebastian argued with a hint of a whine. “You can’t hold me accountable for anything before coffee.”
Blaine’s lips twitched and he raised an eyebrow. “Oh, so you’re not accountable for waking me up-”
“Okay, fine,” Sebastian muttered, and Blaine grinned victoriously. Of course Sebastian would want to take credit for waking Blaine up with a rather spectacular blowjob; it was a matter of pride.
“Can’t have it both ways, Smythe,” Blaine teased before taking a long sip of coffee.
“But seriously, Friday,” Sebastian said as they sat down on the couch. Blaine twisted so his feet were in Sebastian’s lap and brought his mug to his lips.
“Don’t you remember?”
Sebastian frowned. “Remember what?”
“I’m going home Wednesday night. I’ll be back Monday evening.”
“What?”
“Sebastian, I booked the flight two months ago.”
“I remember,” Sebastian replied flatly. “I was going to go with you, but I took so much time off for the funeral that I had to cancel my trip. I just assumed you had too.” His expression darkened. “My mistake, apparently.”
Blaine bit his lip, his post-orgasm contentment fading as guilt gnawed at his insides and the temperature of the room seemed to drop. “The recording studio is closed Thursday and Friday, and I adjusted my schedule so I could take Monday off as well.”
“So you’re leaving me here alone.”
Blaine winced and pulled his feet from Sebastian’s lap as the other boy rose. “It’s just for a few days,” he argued. “A few days that you knew about!” He shook his head. “Besides, I’m not your only friend, as you’re so fond of reminding me.”
The last reminder had come a week earlier when Blaine had made plans to see a play with Tina on a night he thought Sebastian would be working late yet again. Sebastian seemed to choose nights to stay late at his internship arbitrarily, so Blaine felt like he never knew when he was going to see his boyfriend anymore; it had become a cornerstone in their increasingly frequent arguments.
“You’re not my only friend either, Killer,” Sebastian said dismissively once Blaine apologized, though Blaine wasn’t entirely convinced he had anything to apologize for.
Blaine poked him in the side. “Yes, I know how much you’ve been dying to visit James and play Halo like a frat boy.”
“James has other interests.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes.” Sebastian paused. “I don’t actually know what they are, but I don’t doubt they exist.”
Blaine snorted. “Well, my apologies once again. I shouldn’t have assumed.”
“Damn right.”
“But,” Blaine added, shifting to straddle Sebastian’s legs while Sebastian steadied him with hands on his hips, his thumb teasing the skin just below Blaine’s waistband. “I am your only friend who does this.” He pressed forward and kissed Sebastian, gripping the other boy’s shoulders while Sebastian’s hands roamed under his shirt and over his back.
Sebastian didn’t disagree on that point, anyway.
“I see.”
Blaine prickled at Sebastian’s tone. “‘You see’ what?”
“Who you really care about.”
Blaine put his mug down and stood, irritation coursing through him as he crossed his arms. “What is that supposed to mean?”
Sebastian clenched his jaw and looked away. “Nothing.”
“My parents paid for the ticket, Sebastian. I haven’t been home since Christmas and the Warblers are having a get together. I was able to get my schedule to work, so yes, I’m going.”
“And I suppose you’ll be seeing some of your New Directions friends, too.”
Sebastian had always been a bit dismissive of Blaine’s McKinley friends outside of Sam and Tina (and, on occasion, Artie), though Blaine was never sure if it was because they’d encouraged him to stay at McKinley rather than come back to Dalton or if Sebastian was jealous since he’d never gotten as close to the Warblers as Blaine had to his New Directions.
“I don’t know, maybe.” His brows creased. “I didn’t realize I needed your permission either way.”
They stared at each other, eyes narrowed and slightly out of breath, before Sebastian finally broke the silence. “You know what, never mind. It’s fine. Have fun. I’m going to take a shower.”
“Perfect,” Blaine snapped, already looking for his phone and keys as Sebastian headed for the bathroom. “Try to scrub the jackass off while you’re in there.”
The shutting door cut off Sebastian’s reply, which was probably for the best. Blaine slid his shoes on and left the apartment, scrubbing angrily at his eyes.
-----
When Blaine got back to the apartment that morning he wasn’t quick enough to avoid his roommates; Tina spotted his red-rimmed eyes immediately and dragged him by the hand into the living room where Sam was sitting in the armchair. She sat Blaine down on the couch and flopped down next to him while Sam turned the television off.
“You had another fight,” Tina said. It wasn’t a question.
Blaine sighed and didn’t bother disagreeing. “Sebastian’s grieving.”
He’d been telling himself the same thing over and over since they’d started fighting, swallowing down sarcastic responses because engaging the fight wasn’t going to help Sebastian deal with his pain, but it was getting harder and harder not to take the fights personally. He’d told Sebastian a lot of things in confidence and Sebastian was never short on cutting remarks, so the other boy was well-equipped to hurt deeply.
And the fight today had just pushed Blaine over the edge.
“It’s been a month,” Tina pointed out as she crossed her under her and hugged a pillow.
Blaine shrugged uncomfortably, feeling the hurt drain out of him in the presence of his best friends, which left an overwhelming weariness in its wake. It had been a long month.
“There’s no timetable on grief, Tay-tay,” he said.
She shook her head. “It’s getting worse.”
Blaine rubbed a hand over his face. “He’s grieving,” he repeated, briefly wondering who exactly he was trying to convince. “He’s never lost anyone before, and he lost someone very important to him. I just don’t think he really knows how to deal with it.”
“That doesn’t mean he should be saying that crap to you,” Sam argued, leaning forward. “He said he was going to prove he’d changed, but from where I’m sitting, it doesn’t look that way.”
Blaine shut his eyes and melted back into the couch cushions. He really didn’t want to be having this conversation or think about the fights meant, not when so much of being with Sebastian had come so easily for so long. “It’s not all on him. We’ve both said things.”
“After Kurt, do you really think you-” Tina started.
Blaine’s eyes snapped open and he sat upright, the name sending a painful jolt through him. “Tina, don’t.”
“Blink, I just mean--”
Blaine shook his head. “This is nothing like that. Sebastian lashes out when he’s upset, and I guess...” He trailed off as words escaped him. He could sense Tina and Sam exchanging worried glances.
“What is it, bro?” Sam asked.
Blaine leaned his head against the back of the sofa, his heart heavy. Maybe Tina was right; he and Kurt had cut ties when they realized they were only going to keep hurting each other. Were he and Sebastian just going to keep hurting and fucking and hurting each other over and over again until they just... broke?
He cared about Sebastian. A lot. It scared him sometimes how hard he’d fallen once he’d let himself feel again, but Sebastian-he was risk and reward, danger and safety, threat and protection all at once. He made Blaine feel alive.
But lately...
Lately, it hurt. It hurt not knowing whether he’d see Sebastian on any given day or whether they’d have a peaceful night or argue over something stupid yet again. It hurt the way watching Kurt check his phone when they were in bed together had. And he’d promised himself he was never going to make that mistake again.
Blaine’s breath hitched. “I can’t keep doing this to myself, can I?”
-----
Blaine and Sebastian didn’t speak again before Blaine left for Ohio. Blaine checked his phone several times before boarding the flight Wednesday evening and again when the plane landed in Columbus, but the only messages were from the Warblers about the upcoming party and Cooper about his latest audition.
Shoving down a pang of hurt, Blaine squared his shoulders and headed for baggage claim where he met his mother with a genuine smile and a big hug. For all the drama and his struggles after coming out, it still felt good to go home after a long time away.
He spent Thursday morning with his parents then made the hour-and-a-half drive-and man, it was nice to drive again for the first time since January-to David’s family’s lake house. He turned up the Top 40 station on the radio, rolled down his windows, and sang along loudly and purposefully off-key as he drove down the freeway.
It was mid-afternoon when he pulled up the gravel drive and parked next to three other cars-David’s, Wes’, and Jeff’s. He grabbed his duffel from the back seat and headed to the back where he knew everyone would be gathered. When he rounded the house and found his friends sitting on the deck, he noticed the only person missing was Trent.
“Blaine!” Nick called. “You made it!”
“Here I am,” he replied with a grin before being tackled by flying hugs from Nick and Jeff and receiving more subdued, though no less enthusiastic, hugs from David and Wes.
“Trent’s not here yet?” he asked, looking around.
“He should be here in about half an hour,” David said, steering Blaine to an open chair. “Sit, man. We haven’t seen you in forever!”
“We need to hear all about your glamorous life, Mr. Big Time New York!” Jeff said with a grin as he elbowed Blaine in the side.
Blaine laughed, though it sounded strained to his ears.
“Give the man some room,” Wes said.
Blaine looked up to see a knowing look on Wes’ face and he gave his friend a grateful smile. Of course Wes would recognize if something was off with him. Wes was the only person outside of Sam and Tina that he’d initially told the full details about his breakup with Kurt, and they’d kept in close contact since. Wes had also been the first Warbler Blaine had told when he’d finally gotten together with Sebastian, but he’d avoided sending any emails about the recent fights; he hadn’t been ready to tell anyone outside of Sam and Tina, and they only knew because they had witnessed several of them.
“We’re saving story time until Warbler Trent has arrived, remember?” There were a few grumbles, but Wes still had that aura of authority that all former Warblers deferred to. So, with everyone’s attention successfully diverted, Wes slid into the seat next to Blaine.
“Thanks,” Blaine said.
Wes shrugged. “It was nothing. But more importantly, are you okay?”
“It’s just stressful back in New York right now,” Blaine hedged.
Wes raised an eyebrow but didn’t push, instead launching into an overly detailed plan for a sing-along that night that Blaine easily fell into with gusto.
Trent arrived about an hour after Blaine, complaining about getting lost on the back roads to David’s house.
“You’ve been here before,” David pointed out after hugging his friend.
“Yeah, but I was never the one driving!” Trent retorted. “My GPS was trying to take me into the woods.”
“Don’t worry Trent,” Jeff consoled with a pat on the back, “I’m pretty sure the Blair Witch only comes out at night.”
“Not funny,” Trent muttered with a shudder as his friends laughed.
Eventually they ordered pizza and took it out to the dock to watch the sunset and dip their feet into the lake. Trent nearly went over the side a couple of times when Jeff and Nick got a little too enthusiastic harassing each other, but Blaine and Thad managed to catch him in time. Once darkness fell and the pizza had run out, they moved to shore and started a campfire in the fire pit while David grabbed a cooler of drinks and marshmallows for roasting from the house.
“It’s too bad Sebastian couldn’t make it,” David said as he handed out skewers and marshmallows. “It doesn’t seem like a full Warbler reunion without one of the former captains.”
Blaine, who was sitting between Trent and Nick, nearly dropped the marshmallow he was trying to spear. He knew David was fishing for information, but he really didn’t want to have this conversation. He’d known it was going to come up eventually, though; Sebastian had been a Warbler for two years and had originally planned to attend the party as well. The only other cancellation had been Jon, who was traveling with his parents for the summer.
“Yeah. He couldn’t take any more time off after his grandmother’s funeral,” he said.
Even with his head down, Blaine could tell his friends were exchanging looks. The last Warbler gathering had been at New Year’s when Blaine and Sebastian were still testing the boundaries of their newly rediscovered, tentative friendship. In the spring, news of them getting together had spread around their Dalton friends on Facebook and through texts, but said friends hadn’t gotten to grill either of them in person about it. And there was nowhere Blaine could escape to avoid it this weekend.
“So when did you guys get together again?” David asked, his voice far too innocent.
Blaine watched his friend warily. “In March.”
“Pay up,” Nick said, nudging Jeff.
“Dammit,” Jeff muttered, pulling his wallet from his pocket and handing Nick a bill.
Startled, Blaine glanced around the campfire as Thad also gave David a bill. “Wait, you guys were making bets?”
“Jeff thought you’d get together before high school was over,” Trent supplied.
Jeff groaned exaggeratedly. “Obviously I lost that one.”
“I had money on before summer vacation,” Nick said proudly.
“Same,” David piped up.
“Oh my god,” Blaine groaned, dropping his face into his hands. “I don’t know you people.”
“So how are you guys doing?” Thad asked as he rotated his marshmallow over the campfire once the bets had been settled.
Blaine opened his mouth, to say what he wasn’t sure-that they were fine, thanks very much?-but the breath left his body, the reminder of their most recent fight hitting him like a blow he hadn’t seen coming.
“I don’t know,” he muttered, blinking a couple of times. “We haven’t spoken since Saturday.”
“What?”
“Why?”
“Are you fighting?”
“What happened?”
The chorus of his friends’ voices was too much for Blaine, coming at him from all sides and sucking all the air from around him; he dropped the skewer he’d been holding and jumped to his feet, averting his eyes from the concerned gazes of the others as they fell silent in confusion.
“I’m sorry,” he said hurriedly, already backing away from the fire. “I just- I need some air.”
Blaine hurried away from the fire and the sounds of his friends’ concerned voices and ended up on the edge of the dock before he knew where his feet were taking him. With a tired sigh, he sat down on the end and pulled his shoes off. He pulled one knee up to his chest and dipped the other foot into the warm water, skimming patterns into the surface with his big toe. He rested his arm on his knee, watching the ripples in the water disappear and trying not to think about the fight and the hurt of seeing no messages on his phone since.
He heard familiar footsteps on the creaking wood of the dock behind him; of course he would be the one to seek Blaine out after a freak out. He wouldn’t let anyone else try, not when he’d been the one to take Blaine, still battered, bruised, and skittish from the dance, under his wing on his first day at Dalton.
“I’m sorry about them,” Wes said as he approached. “They never did quite know when to shut their mouths.”
Blaine shook his head as Wes sat down next to him, feeling that familiar weariness seeping into his bones. “It’s not their fault.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Blaine pursed his lips and considered. Wes knew Sebastian, but not as well as the other Warblers or even the New Directions, who knew him through competition. It might be nice to have an outside perspective to help him get his head on straight.
“We’ve been fighting-a lot-since his grandmother’s funeral,” Blaine said, looking out over the lake as he spoke. “Actually,” he backtracked, “we had a fight the night before he found out she’d died. We talked, but it didn’t fix anything. And things have only gotten worse since.”
Wes made an encouraging sound for him to continue.
Blaine sighed. “And it’s usually over stupid stuff, but the longer these things go on, the more they linger.” He frowned as he sorted through his thoughts. “But being with Sebastian, in some ways it’s easier than it ever was with Kurt. But in other ways it’s so much harder, and I feel completely out of my depth.” He scrubbed his hands over his face. “It’s dumb, I know.”
“It’s not dumb, Blaine,” Wes replied. “If you’re hurting, you’re hurting.”
“But he’s hurting more than I am,” Blaine said tiredly. “He’s the one grieving.”
“It’s not a competition. You know that.”
“You’re right. It’s just-”
“What?”
Blaine pulled his foot out of the water and crossed his legs beneath him. “I promised myself after losing Kurt that I was never going to make the same mistake-to let myself get hurt like that again.”
“And you think that’s happening with Sebastian?” There was no judgment in Wes’ voice, just curiosity. That quality was what had always made Blaine feel comfortable talking to Wes about his problems.
Blaine shrugged helplessly. “I guess. Maybe?” He sighed. “I just feel really turned around right now.”
“I don’t know him as well as you do, obviously,” Wes said. “But I get the impression that Sebastian would be the kind of person to lash out when he’s upset.”
“Yes, that’s accurate,” Blaine replied grimly.
“So do you think that maybe he’s trying to push you away?”
Blaine blinked. “What?”
Wes shrugged and looked back over the lake as a fish jumped in the distance. The sounds of their friends laughing over by the campfire mixed in with the sounds of insects buzzing, an otherwise serene summer night. “I just wonder if Sebastian might be trying to see how far he can push you until you leave.”
Blaine considered that, eyes widening in growing horror at the thought. “Oh my god.”
Sebastian hated being vulnerable in front of anyone, and he’d let Blaine see him at his lowest at the funeral. Had the fights and long hours at his internship been a test to see if Blaine would judge Sebastian lacking after seeing him vulnerable? Or were they a way to push Blaine away before he could do so?
“Oh my god,” he said again, turning back to Wes. “I’m an idiot.”
“No you’re not.”
“Yes I am. He’s been pushing me and I’ve just been pushing right back.” Blaine rubbed a hand over his face. “I need to talk to him when I get back to New York. If he’ll even take my call.” He spared a wan smile for his friend. “Thanks Wes.”
“That’s what I’m here for, Warbler Blaine,” Wes replied in a mock stern voice.
Blaine laughed and grabbed his shoes. “Let’s go back. Maybe they saved us some marshmallows.”
-----
Friday afternoon, Blaine was walking from the lake house down the path to the lake after a shower when he heard his name being called. He looked up to see David waving at him from the shore where he, Wes, and Thad were sitting on towels while Trent, Nick, and Jeff waded in the lake.
“While you’re up there, can you grab some extra towels from the linen closet?”
“And some drinks,” Jeff added before going underwater with a yelp as Nick dunked him. Trent cackled in laughter until Jeff surfaced and splashed him square in the face with water. Jeff whooped in victory while Trent sputtered.
“Sure,” Blaine replied with a laugh and a wave before turning back to the house.
He’d gathered an armful of towels and was grabbing some sodas from the refrigerator when he heard the back door open.
“Oh good. I could use a hand with-” Blaine cut himself off as he turned around. His eyes widened and the sodas in his hands clattered to the floor. “Oh.”
“Hi,” Sebastian said, shifting his weight awkwardly.
“What are you doing here?” Blaine replied dumbly. He blinked a few more times, making sure he wasn’t imagining things, then shook his head. “Come up with some more insults to hurl my way?”
Sebastian shook his head. “I think we were both pretty thorough, don’t you?” He swallowed. “I didn’t fly all the way to Ohio for a fight, Blaine.”
“Then why are you here?” Blaine asked as he knelt down to pick up the errant cans. After talking with Wes, he’d had every intention of trying to sort things out with Sebastian when he got back to New York, but now that the other boy was standing in front of him, all the hurt from before the trip had come rushing back.
“You’re not happy to see me.”
Blaine frowned. “I’m not sure yet.”
“Blaine-”
“When did you get in?” Blaine asked, shifting behind the counter to keep an obstacle between them.
“I came right from the airport,” Sebastian replied with a shrug. “My bag’s in my rental.”
“You rented a car?” For some reason that was the detail that stuck out to him in his surprise.
Sebastian shrugged. “It was kind of a last minute trip. My dad doesn’t even know I’m in town.”
“How last minute?”
Sebastian’s lips quirked wryly. “Wes called me at two in the morning, and he, David, and Thad proceeded to inform me that I’m a moron and needed to get my ass on the first flight to Ohio.”
Blaine blinked, trying to process that. For a brief moment, he considered bringing the shaken soda cans he’d rescued from the floor out to his meddling friends, but on the other hand...
“So you did?” Blaine asked, finally daring to make eye contact with Sebastian.
“So I did,” he confirmed. He looked nervous as he waited for Blaine to react, and somehow that helped Blaine process what was going on. Sebastian was here for him. And that spoke volumes.
Blaine let out a shaky breath. “Okay.” He pursed his lips. “Do the guys know you’re here?”
Sebastian glanced toward the back door. “Yeah, they know.”
“Traitors,” Blaine muttered without any heat. He should’ve known that Wes wouldn’t just let their conversation slide; he’d always gone above and beyond to help when they’d been at Dalton together. “I talked to Wes last night. Before he called you.”
“I figured,” Sebastian replied, raising an eyebrow.
“He helped me figure out what you’ve been doing.”
Sebastian shoved his hands into his shorts pockets and inclined his head. “Oh? Enlighten me.”
“You’re seeing how far you can push this,” Blaine replied, gesturing between them. “How far you can push us before we break.”
“Is that so?”
Blaine rounded the counter and leaned back against it, crossing his arms against his chest. “You’re hurting and you don’t like being vulnerable around anyone. I’ve seen you vulnerable, so you’re pushing at me to see how long I’ll stick around.”
Sebastian inclined his head, though there was something flickering in his eyes. “And how many armchair psychology books did you need to read to come up with that, Anderson?”
“None. I just know you.”
“Or maybe you don’t know me half as well as you think,” Sebastian countered, raising an eyebrow in challenge.
“Then why are you pushing me away?” Blaine demanded, a little irritated.
“Because I love you!”
A response died on Blaine’s tongue and he reeled back, eyes wide. “What?” he whispered, not sure he dared believe what he’d heard.
Sebastian looked almost as startled as Blaine, but he plowed on anyway. “I love you,” he repeated. “And as you may have noticed, I don’t deal well with emotions,” he added with a wide gesture, voice rising. “I freaked out when I realized I had feelings for you in high school and then I nearly blinded you. So yeah, I’ve been pushing you away.” He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “And I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Blaine stared at Sebastian in disbelief, remembering all the calls that he’d ignored in the wake of his injury and the other boy’s face at the Lima Bean when they’d met before Regionals. He remembered going back to Dalton to retrieve the New Directions’ Nationals trophy and the intense, knowing looks Sebastian had given him.
He thought back to all those afternoons talking over coffee in New York, evenings spent curled up on the couch, and eventually nights in bed. He thought of the reverence in Sebastian’s eyes and touches. But most importantly, Blaine thought of the trust Sebastian had placed in him, dropping his armor and letting Blaine see and get to know him.
Oh.
Oh.
“You’re an idiot,” Blaine murmured, expression softening. Sebastian’s face fell, but Blaine strode across the room and threw his arms around Sebastian’s neck. Sebastian jolted in surprise but wrapped his arms around Blaine’s back. “You’re an idiot,” he whispered into Sebastian’s ear, “because I love you too.”
Sebastian’s breath caught, and Blaine could feel the other boy start trembling as he gripped Blaine’s t-shirt tightly. Blaine squeezed him once more before stepping back, brushing his hands down Sebastian’s arms and gripping his hands. Sebastian stared at Blaine in disbelief.
“Really?”
Blaine leaned up to kiss Sebastian on the lips once more, certainty settling over him and clicking into place. “Really.”
Sebastian pulled at Blaine’s hands so he’d follow him over to the couch, where they sat down. “I actually came to apologize today,” he said. Blaine raised an eyebrow and Sebastian laughed quietly. “Yeah, yeah. Apologies aren’t exactly my trademark. But I know I’ve been an asshole lately. It’s a defense mechanism.”
As he listened to Sebastian, Blaine was struck by the memory of a conversation they’d had a few nights after they’d gotten together.
“I break everything I touch,” Sebastian said while they lay tangled together on Blaine’s couch watching a movie.
“You won’t break this,” Blaine replied, kissing the back of his hand.
“I already did. Once.”
Blaine turned back to look at him with a frown. Sebastian’s expression was unusually open, uncertainty in his eyes. And seeing that made Blaine, in that moment, feel surer about this-about them-than he had about anything in a very long time.
“Then you know what not to do this time.”
“Blaine-”
“We’re both different people now, Bas. We’re not going to break like that again.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Killer,” Sebastian retorted, sounding almost sad.
Intellectually, Blaine knew Sebastian had a point; he’d made promises to Kurt and Kurt to him about them and their future and look how they’d ended up. But his heart was telling him differently now.
“Are you going to throw a slushie at me again?” Blaine asked.
Sebastian flinched and cursed under his breath. “Of course not.”
“Then we’re not going to break like that again,” Blaine reiterated. “We might break, I don’t know. I’m kind of a wreck and you’re... well, you’re you,” he added with a teasing smile at Sebastian’s raised eyebrow. “But it won’t be like that, okay?”
Sebastian studied him for a long moment before taking a breath and whispering, “Okay,” his tone almost sounding like surrender.
“Maybe a little,” Blaine agreed, resting his hand on Sebastian’s knee. “But so have I. I kept pushing back.”
Sebastian just shook his head, like he hadn’t quite gotten the right words out. “I told you in Portland that most people come and go in my life, never staying.” Blaine nodded, remembering. He’d been a little stung that Sebastian had thought he would abandon him, but they had gone a year without speaking, so it wasn’t entirely unjustified. “I guess I started freaking out about what it would mean if you did stay. For both of us.”
“Bas-”
“I’m not a nice person, Blaine,” Sebastian said, cutting him off. “You know that better than anyone.”
Blaine’s eye twitched involuntarily at the reminder and he sighed. “We’ve all made bad choices, Bas.”
“Some more than others.”
“What do you want me to say, Sebastian? That you’re a fuck up?” Blaine asked, squaring to face Sebastian. Sebastian looked startled at the direct question-and probably the language since Blaine rarely swore outside of sex-but he was trying to make a point and catching Sebastian off-guard was the best way to do that, he’d found. He wasn’t going to let this go, not now.
“I-”
“If so, fine,” Blaine replied. “You fucked up and I got hurt. But I’m still here. And guess what? I’ve had my fair share of fuck ups and hurt other people too. So if you think that is going to push me away…”
Sebastian stared at Blaine for the longest time like Blaine had grown a second head, but finally he shook himself. “I love you,” he said again, sounding almost awed. Then his lips twitched upward. “I love you,” he repeated.
Blaine leaned forward. “Mm, I like the sound of that,” he said before kissing Sebastian again, his eyes fluttering shut. The other boy cupped Blaine’s cheek with a hand, and Blaine pulled back to rest his forehead against Sebastian’s, his eyes still shut as his heart pounded in his chest. “I love you too.”
“So are we-?”
“Okay?” Blaine finished, opening his eyes.
Sebastian nodded, tracing his thumb down Blaine’s jawbone.
“We will be,” Blaine replied, swallowing at the light touch. Once Sebastian made a noise of agreement, Blaine grinned and rose, then pulled Sebastian to his feet. “Now let’s go see if the guys were taking bets about us again.”