This won a contest! By default! Which is the best way.
Title: Abenobashi Game Show Arcade
Fandom: Abenobashi Mahou Shoutengai (plus Legend of the Hidden Temple)
Rating: PG
Pairing or Character(s): Sasshi, Arumi, Papa, Aki, Mune-Mune, Sayaka, Kouhei
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Warnings: the usual level of violence for the show, every game show and Abenobashi cliche I could think of
“This definitely isn’t home. Sasshi!”
“But we’re in a TV studio!” Sasshi had stars in his eyes. “Haven’t you always wanted to? I wonder if they’ll be actresses and idols in the changing rooms and--ow!”
“We’re getting out of here before anyone needs to write a where-are-they-now documentary about the child stars fallen into ruin. After all, for a human, what’s important is having your health.”
“Yes, Arumi.”
Sasshi hung his head, but what was there to do but agree and look around?
They were introduced to the world quickly as Ms. Aki ran towards them and clutched Sasshi to her flat chest. The floor-length red gown covered most of her legs, but did nothing for the stubble or the protruding chin under it, and her makeup was thicker than ever, for the cameras. “Where have you been? We’ve been so worried. Filming is starting. Come on, darlings.”
Arumi was grabbed by an arm and Sasshi stuffed underarm and she took off at a run towards Studio 4.
“I brought them. We can get started now.”
“Fabuleux!” Arumi’s Papa twisted his mustache and brushed imagined dirt off the shoulder of his suit. “I’ll your announcer today on:
~Abenobashi Game Show Arcade~
The words rang in the air as Sasshi and Arumi were blinded with a huge puff of powder and pushed on the floor.
“In that corner we have the Red Team, Sasshi and Arumi. In that corner we have the Blue Team, qu’est-ce qu’elle est mignonne--”
“Sis and Mune-Mune,” Sasshi groaned. “I don’t want to compete against them. They’ll play mean.”
“Listen, Sasshi. If we’re going to find the goblin and get out of here, we’re going to have to win this game. You’d better play to win, or…”
Sasshi gulped. “I understand. We’ll win this, Arumi.”
“Deep within the Hidden Temple, guarded by the Gold Monkey and his famed Temple Guards, the grand prize up for grabs tonight is:”
a wooden staff flashed on the display screen
“the staff of Abe no Seimei.”
“Oh boy,” Mune-Mune jumped up and down. “I’m so excited!”
“Our first round is brought to you by…”
Kouhei’s voice took over from an overhead microphone. “WcDonalds. Need a cheap burger? WcDonalds.”
Ms. Aki moved her arms and a red curtain pulled back to reveal a huge swimming pool.
“In this round, Sasshi and Sayaka will be competing. They will have to cross this pool by jumping from log to log. If they touch the water, they’ll have to start over. The team that gets to the other side first will get 1 point. Bon voyage!”
“Waah!” Sasshi cried as the first log spun under him and left him dunking in the water.
“Ha! This is easy.” Sayaka jumped from one log to the next, not putting her weight on any of them for more than a moment and leaving each one spinning in her wake.
“Sasshi!” yelled Arumi. “Use this!” She threw him a microphone on a long pole.
Sasshi held up the microphone. “I’m really happy to be here. I want to thank everyone back home--ow!”
“Not like that.” Arumi pushed him back to the pool again.
Sasshi blinked at the pole and the pool before getting an idea.
“You’ll never catch up,” Sayaka called. She almost lost her balance from looking back and had to stop and steady herself.
Sasshi huddled low on the first log, locking his knees around it just above the waterline. Then he stuck the pole in the water, the over-stretched cord ripping out of the wall, and used it to propel the entire log forward with him on it.
“No way!” Sayaka cried as he began to catch up rapidly, scattering other logs behind him every which way. She started running forward again.
Padding rapidly, Sasshi turned burning eyes towards the finish line. The industry of man was unbeatable! He had to win, for Arumi! His vision narrowed to the corridor of water ahead of him. Nothing would slow him down or stay him from his goal.
He reached forward, dropping the pole as momentum carried him ahead, his fingers brushing the opposite side of the pool. A loud buzzer sounded and confetti fell from the sky… on Sayaka.
“The Blue Team wins round one!”
“Stupid Sasshi,” Arumi complained as she hit him with her paper fan. “If you hadn’t wasted so much time…”
“Sorry, Arumi. It’s your turn next.”
“I’ll win this so we can go home already.”
She rolled up her sleeves and stepped up to a red podium.
“Our second round is brought to you by…”
“Tarbucks. Need an expensive coffee? Tarbucks.”
“In this round, Arumi and Mune-Mune will compete in a trivia contest. The first team to answer two questions correct will get 1 point. Sacrebleu.”
Arumi and Mune-Mune put their hands over their buzzers.
“Who was Abe no Seimei’s mother?”
“What--” Arumi started to ask but Mune-Mune’s buzzer blared.
“The kitsune Kuzu no Ha.”
“Correct.”
“Which Emperor did Abe no Seimei correctly predict the abdication of?”
Arumi pressed her buzzer instantly, then tried to think of the answer. Abe no Seimei lived in the Heian period, but that still left four hundred years and thirty-some emperors. Wait, the Seimei Shrine down the street had been founded by Emperor Ichijou. Who had been before him? “Emperor Kazan.”
“Correct.”
Mune-Mune shot Arumi a glare.
“What is the strongest desire in your team?”
“What kind of question is--” Arumi started, but she and Mune-Mune were already pressing their buzzers. They yelled at the same time:
“To find that man!”
“To go home!”
Confetti fell. “The Blue Team wins round two!”
“Sasshi!” Arumi growled out with increasing volume.
“I don’t know what that means either. We agreed we’d go home. Right? Ow!”
“Our third round is brought to you by…”
“Ramen Republic. You should go there right now. Ramen Republic.”
“This round is worth 100 points.”
“Wait,” Mune-Mune wailed. “One hundred?!”
“This does sure make the rest of the rounds pointless,” Arumi observed, tapping her chin with a finger. “Sasshi, we can still win this.”
“Yeah! So what is it?”
“A coin flip.”
“Coin flip?!”
“Heads,” Sayaka said to Arumi’s “Tails.”
“Ouah, it is tails. The Red Team wins and will go on to the bonus round!”
“No fair!”
“Yay! Sasshi, we won. Now we can go home.”
“Yeah.”
“The Blue Team wins out consolation prize, a year supply of chocolate pudding,” Mune-Mune disappeared under the wave of pudding boxes descending from the ceiling, “and a ceramic Dalmatian statue,” Sayaka never reached the host to complain as the statue landed on her head.
“Sapristi, we are now on to the bonus round for Sasshi and Arumi. They must travel through the Hidden Temple to find the statue of the Golden Monkey, where waits the grand prize, avoiding the terrible Temple Guard as they go, and get out in three minutes. Ohhh!”
“Wait, which way do I go? I don’t even watch this show,” Arumi complained as she was dropped into the temple. She groaned as she tried to open the first door ahead of her, finally falling backwards in exhaustion onto a lever.
“Oh, that’s how it works.” She combed the next room for another lever. Underneath the waterfall, she announced, “Ha!” as the door slid open.
“No, Arumi!” Sasshi cried, not that she could hear him, as the door opened upon Temple Guard Grandpa Masa.
“Wait, I’m not done yet. Stupid Grandpa,” Arumi said as she squirmed and Masa booted her out.
“Bon courage, Sasshi. Now the choice is yours and yours alone.”
“Oh no, we’re almost of time.” Sasshi ran through the rooms that Arumi had opened, through one more, up a ladder and down a pole.
“If it is only six rooms on long, this has got to be the far end.”
Sure enough, there was a staff and a status of a golden monkey with a goblin’s horn. Unfortunately, Grandpa Masa stood between him and it.
“Quelle horreur, Looks like our contests are out of luck,” he heard the announcer saying.
“Not yet!” Sasshi swung around the pole and leaped over Masa’s head. Masa reached for him, but he heard the old man’s back cracking as he tried to lean that far. “Arumi, I’ve got the goblin!”
“Alright,” she called, running back into the temple after him. “Let’s get out of here then. Make the circle.”
The goblin drew a circle in confetti, and Arumi looked at Sasshi seriously. “It had better work this time.”
“Yes, Arumi.”
“Good.”
She turned so they stood back to back to work the spell.
“Gods of heaven, gods of earth. All shall be as it should be. All shall be as it should be. All shall be as it should be. So shall it be.”
The circle flared up with light and they were gone.