Serpentine 1/65
And Now I Will Attempt to Flog Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter #26.
Fair Warning, the last AB:VH I seriously sat through and read was Kiss the Dead. So it has been a while.
SERPENTINE: CHAPTER ONE
IN WHICH ANITA IS A MILLENNIAL AND WON'T GET OFF HER PHONE
Our story opens with Anita at a Bridal Shop, in New Mexico, complaining about the color of the bridesmaid dresses and weddings in general. I really don't understand all the hate and it makes me wonder if LKH has a personal experience with some insane, OCD wedding planner and assumed that all are like that. Bad weddings and wedding related events are a theme in the AB:VH 'verse, so at the least there is a point of consistency!
But first, Anita has to flash everyone at the store. Because it isn't an Anita Blake book until those boobs are out and proud. She's trying on a black dress -because marriage is where sanity goes to die- when Micah calls. This necessitates her leaving the changing room before, I presume, actually zipping up the back/side of the dress because: “I glanced around the store to see if there was anyone within earshot... Turning just that much made my breasts slide out of the halter top of the dress... “ (pg. 2)
Micah is calling hoping the woman with a degree in preternatural biology knows something about an inherited shapeshifter strain. However, Anita's brain is like a sieve and can only remember the last dick she sucked and so tells him that the only inherited shapeshifting she knows of are the Tiger Clans.
Yeah, apparently the swanmanes and family guardians aren't a thing anymore. Here's hoping the Swan King takes advantage of this and runs far, far away.
Anita and Micah quibble for a moment over whether or not this family asking for Micah's help is a client if money hasn't been exchanged, which is stupid, because they are. The discussion makes me think Micah is worried about the phones being bugged and doesn't want to say anything incriminating.
Pictures are exchanged, and it turns out Anita no longer believes shapeshifting is a curse and doesn't understand why a ground of people that turn into a mass of connected snakes that they can't control would. To clarify, this isn't a full transformation and at certain points it becomes irreversible. The individual body parts -usually arms and upper body- partially shift into the heads and bodies of snakes with their own hivemind separate from the afflicted human.
Anita wants to ask Edward if he's ever seen anything like it, but in a rare show of decency Micah respects client confidentiality and tells her not to. Even though he insists they aren't his clients. He also points out how they are concerned about the shifter-rights laws being rescinded and how they don't like Nathanvile and told him he couldn't go to the consult, forcing him to sight see instead.
TAKE NOTE ANITA! IF THE SHOWER RAPIST CAN ACT PROFESSIONAL AND NOT DRAG HIS BOYFRIEND TO WORK SO CAN YOU!
Relationship drama comes up throughout the phone call. Micah has blue balls because he hasn't sexed up Anita in months. In another rare show of trouble in paradise he wants to have some time with Anita that doesn't include the lavender eyed looser. I'm surprised he didn'tsay anything about wanting some one-on-one time with Nathaniel himself, you know, because that's who he is supposedly going to marry all official like.
Oh, and apparently coven is no longer a PC term in AB:VH. It's magical working group or white-light study group. If we are making up bullshit terms can I submit spell slinger society? I like the alteration.
Because anchient MSP doesn't appear to translate clearly:
MICAH-> "Hello Anita. This is your regularly schedualed emergency get out of socializing with women call! Just like in Laughing Corpse!"
ANITA-> How could they not like being a mass of tentacles? Sounds sexy.
Fair Warning, the last AB:VH I seriously sat through and read was Kiss the Dead. So it has been a while.
SERPENTINE: CHAPTER ONE
IN WHICH ANITA IS A MILLENNIAL AND WON'T GET OFF HER PHONE
Our story opens with Anita at a Bridal Shop, in New Mexico, complaining about the color of the bridesmaid dresses and weddings in general. I really don't understand all the hate and it makes me wonder if LKH has a personal experience with some insane, OCD wedding planner and assumed that all are like that. Bad weddings and wedding related events are a theme in the AB:VH 'verse, so at the least there is a point of consistency!
But first, Anita has to flash everyone at the store. Because it isn't an Anita Blake book until those boobs are out and proud. She's trying on a black dress -because marriage is where sanity goes to die- when Micah calls. This necessitates her leaving the changing room before, I presume, actually zipping up the back/side of the dress because: “I glanced around the store to see if there was anyone within earshot... Turning just that much made my breasts slide out of the halter top of the dress... “ (pg. 2)
Micah is calling hoping the woman with a degree in preternatural biology knows something about an inherited shapeshifter strain. However, Anita's brain is like a sieve and can only remember the last dick she sucked and so tells him that the only inherited shapeshifting she knows of are the Tiger Clans.
Yeah, apparently the swanmanes and family guardians aren't a thing anymore. Here's hoping the Swan King takes advantage of this and runs far, far away.
Anita and Micah quibble for a moment over whether or not this family asking for Micah's help is a client if money hasn't been exchanged, which is stupid, because they are. The discussion makes me think Micah is worried about the phones being bugged and doesn't want to say anything incriminating.
Pictures are exchanged, and it turns out Anita no longer believes shapeshifting is a curse and doesn't understand why a ground of people that turn into a mass of connected snakes that they can't control would. To clarify, this isn't a full transformation and at certain points it becomes irreversible. The individual body parts -usually arms and upper body- partially shift into the heads and bodies of snakes with their own hivemind separate from the afflicted human.
Anita wants to ask Edward if he's ever seen anything like it, but in a rare show of decency Micah respects client confidentiality and tells her not to. Even though he insists they aren't his clients. He also points out how they are concerned about the shifter-rights laws being rescinded and how they don't like Nathanvile and told him he couldn't go to the consult, forcing him to sight see instead.
TAKE NOTE ANITA! IF THE SHOWER RAPIST CAN ACT PROFESSIONAL AND NOT DRAG HIS BOYFRIEND TO WORK SO CAN YOU!
Relationship drama comes up throughout the phone call. Micah has blue balls because he hasn't sexed up Anita in months. In another rare show of trouble in paradise he wants to have some time with Anita that doesn't include the lavender eyed looser. I'm surprised he didn'tsay anything about wanting some one-on-one time with Nathaniel himself, you know, because that's who he is supposedly going to marry all official like.
Oh, and apparently coven is no longer a PC term in AB:VH. It's magical working group or white-light study group. If we are making up bullshit terms can I submit spell slinger society? I like the alteration.
Because anchient MSP doesn't appear to translate clearly:
MICAH-> "Hello Anita. This is your regularly schedualed emergency get out of socializing with women call! Just like in Laughing Corpse!"
ANITA-> How could they not like being a mass of tentacles? Sounds sexy.