the last time i went to church.
...these are people from my old church. deliverance bible church in hurst texas. i haven't talked about this in a long time. no matter how many people have asked me about it, i just kept my mouth shut. i don't really know how it all started but i do remember the night i consciously decided i could no longer go. so here's take on it all...by the way its not for you. i need to recall what happened in order to realize where i'm going. what i'm doing. i've been meaning to do this for awhile.
in july of 2002 my life changed a considerable amount. my boyfriend for a year broke up with me and my father left my mother [married for 18 years] on account of another woman. i was completely devestated and very desperate for something to turn to. i had a dramatic history of depression and i absolutely did not want to go down that route again. at the time i was working at a christian bookstore and roughly about a week later a tall 27 year old man wearing a pin that said "religion is no god" came into my work and invited me to church. little did i know at the time that he was the pastor and this place was a punk rock 'scene' church that i had often heard about at concerts and from different people i knew at the time. blah blah blah. i went that sunday and loved it. And so i completely submursed myself in it. soon i was 'saved', baptized, and had given up everything i had previously loved in order to comply with what i thought to be absolute truth including secular [non-christian] music, books, movies, talk and tv. EVERYTHING. i was devoted. fasting, prayer, worship, the bible...i did it all. i lost alot of friends but i didn't care. this was 'truth' and i was in love. around march of 2003 [yes it lasted that long] i began to question my motivations and choices that i had previously made. i also, for the first time unfortunately, began to question the religious doctrine in which my church professed to be truth. this led to many confusing and inturnal battles within myself...i thought i was happy at the time but finally in april i turned around and realized that i was miserable. i slowly stopped going to church. soon after i met my very good friends kelly and james. we discussed the bible and doctrine vigorously but we all found that some certain beliefs at DBC's were a little bit off the cuff. such as the strict patriarchal rules of the bible and the role of women in the church. kelly especially noticed these characteristics and showed me where she felt the system was flawed. i reluctantly agreed and stopped attending for good.
in august i was living with james and kelly, still working at family christian bookstore but somewhat standoffish towards organized religion. an old friend, cameo, called me one day and invited me to church. i decided, why not, get to see some old friends and mingle...sure. so after work [it was a tuesday] i went. everyone was oh so happy that i had returned..blah blah blah. when service started i noticed that everything had changed. nothing was organized whatsoever. people stood up whenever they wanted to talk...falling on the floor. just utter chaos. and then, when i chose not to participate the pastors wife [also a close old friend] stood up on stage and called out to me through the microphone. pointing and spouting about how i was hurting god and was in danger of hell.
i got up, crying, and left. i never went back. and honestly i don't have the best opinion of church anymore. but certain good things came out of it, i suppose. i met james and kelly [and from them i was introduced to just about everything i love and care for now], i now know alot about christianity, and i was exposed to hella good god-rock. mmm...mewithoutyou kicks my ass.
and that's it. that took forever.