Writing from anger
Apparently, when all is well in my life, I am not moved to post. Huh. I am stirred to speak now, and it will not be pretty.
No. I mean it. It was a triggery sort of day.
Ok. For those of you who are still here *waves*, let me get the ick out of the way right now. I was on a CalTrain today that hit someone and killed them. We were leaving the SF station and we hadn't even made it out of the train depot area when we stopped. It was 10 minutes before we were told that we had stopped because "There had been an injury in the front of the train" and another 20 after that that we found out that the "injury" was a "fatality" and that we were waiting for an ambulance and a coronor.
This, in and of itself, has me a little fucked up. I haven't yet identified the emotions that are going on related to this, but I am more than a little messed up about it.
However, as bad as that was, it was compounded further by the human race reaffirming my belief in them.
See, eventually we were shuttled off to the train behind us, which pulled along side us and we got to cross over. I ended up finding an empty spot and grabbing it. I like me some empty seat - especially while emotionally volitile.
And it turned out that I managed to find the worst spot on the train to sit. Across the aisle and one row up from me were three people - one of whom had been on the train I was on. The three of them were laughing and joking about "the incident". Making jokes about people jumping in front of trains, joking about how we couldn't have been going that fast so how could we possibly have killed someone, etc. Not gallows humor jokes... No. These people actually thought the shit they were spewing was witty. The height of humor. True comedy gold.
And once they had exhausted this charming bit of reparté, they then spent the rest of the three hour ride from SF to Sunnyvale complaining about how they had been inconvenienced, and how long the trip was taking and how dare the train they were on convert from a limited stop train to a local (every stop) train. Constantly.
A human being died, and they are pissy because they were inconvenienced.
I spent the entire trip getting angrier and angrier and angrier. If I had had a chance of getting a seat in another car, I would have moved. However, the train was packed already when we got on - the chances of my finding another seat were slim at best.
The most pathetic part? The trio of asshattery had the opportunity to change trains, and one of them took advantage of it. The other two chose not too, stating "We have nothing but time!" (Right... the ones who complained about the length of the trip the entire time) Then, when the train had to stop and be delayed again due to a potential emergency situation with teh train, continued to whine about it, stating that they should have changed trains.
Not that I saw that coming...
To say that I am angry beyond rational belief is an understatement. I am beyond angry. I am sickened, disgusted, and offended to the core of my being. I mean, yeah, I hate people. I know this. Anyone who knows me knows that my views on humanity in general are pretty... um... negative. What makes this so upsetting is that, in my heart of hearts, I want to be wrong. I want humanity to be better than I think it is. And then something like this happens,and I am given to realize that my hope is in vain. That people really are so self absorbed that they are more concerned about their convenience than the life of another human being.
So... I need to deal with a burning rage at all of humanity, then I need to figure out what to do with the other tangle of emotions. The ones I haven't figured out yet how to define. The ones that the anger is protecting me from.
And I have to go to work tomorrow.
No. I mean it. It was a triggery sort of day.
Ok. For those of you who are still here *waves*, let me get the ick out of the way right now. I was on a CalTrain today that hit someone and killed them. We were leaving the SF station and we hadn't even made it out of the train depot area when we stopped. It was 10 minutes before we were told that we had stopped because "There had been an injury in the front of the train" and another 20 after that that we found out that the "injury" was a "fatality" and that we were waiting for an ambulance and a coronor.
This, in and of itself, has me a little fucked up. I haven't yet identified the emotions that are going on related to this, but I am more than a little messed up about it.
However, as bad as that was, it was compounded further by the human race reaffirming my belief in them.
See, eventually we were shuttled off to the train behind us, which pulled along side us and we got to cross over. I ended up finding an empty spot and grabbing it. I like me some empty seat - especially while emotionally volitile.
And it turned out that I managed to find the worst spot on the train to sit. Across the aisle and one row up from me were three people - one of whom had been on the train I was on. The three of them were laughing and joking about "the incident". Making jokes about people jumping in front of trains, joking about how we couldn't have been going that fast so how could we possibly have killed someone, etc. Not gallows humor jokes... No. These people actually thought the shit they were spewing was witty. The height of humor. True comedy gold.
And once they had exhausted this charming bit of reparté, they then spent the rest of the three hour ride from SF to Sunnyvale complaining about how they had been inconvenienced, and how long the trip was taking and how dare the train they were on convert from a limited stop train to a local (every stop) train. Constantly.
A human being died, and they are pissy because they were inconvenienced.
I spent the entire trip getting angrier and angrier and angrier. If I had had a chance of getting a seat in another car, I would have moved. However, the train was packed already when we got on - the chances of my finding another seat were slim at best.
The most pathetic part? The trio of asshattery had the opportunity to change trains, and one of them took advantage of it. The other two chose not too, stating "We have nothing but time!" (Right... the ones who complained about the length of the trip the entire time) Then, when the train had to stop and be delayed again due to a potential emergency situation with teh train, continued to whine about it, stating that they should have changed trains.
Not that I saw that coming...
To say that I am angry beyond rational belief is an understatement. I am beyond angry. I am sickened, disgusted, and offended to the core of my being. I mean, yeah, I hate people. I know this. Anyone who knows me knows that my views on humanity in general are pretty... um... negative. What makes this so upsetting is that, in my heart of hearts, I want to be wrong. I want humanity to be better than I think it is. And then something like this happens,and I am given to realize that my hope is in vain. That people really are so self absorbed that they are more concerned about their convenience than the life of another human being.
So... I need to deal with a burning rage at all of humanity, then I need to figure out what to do with the other tangle of emotions. The ones I haven't figured out yet how to define. The ones that the anger is protecting me from.
And I have to go to work tomorrow.