「114;」

[pyrotol]

sitting in front of my computer holding an ice pack to my mouth because i got my wisdom teeth removed yesterday. it's not like EXCRUCIATINGLY PAINFUL or anything, but it's just constantly noticeable and really distracting, kind of like when you need to pee but not all that much but still just enough that you can't stop noticing that you need to pee

Comments

[moonloop]

I think you should do what really makes you feel like you, whatever gender you may associate yourself with. I think you're really, really brave to do what you have done to try and figure out who you really are and it's a really great journey to discover your true self. Maybe once you find which gender to associate with, or just choose between both whenever you feel like, you can lessen the stress somewhat. :D And I hope your mouth heals well because wisdom teeth surgery really does hurt. I'd rather keep the teeth than go through that kind of pain.

[pyrotol]

thanks! :) yeah, i always figured i could just do whatever seems right to me, but sometimes there just aren't enough options... so i guess i'm just exploring what's available and trying to see what works best out of all the choices i have, haha.

and hnnnngh yeah i wish i didn't have to bother, but one of them impacted and it'd been starting to hurt so i had to get it out before it got worse. :(

[moonloop]

Well, that's kind of what I did when it came to figuring out my sexuality. I ended up trying out a lot of things because people were always telling me this or that. Some told me I was broken or had to go see a doctor, so I ended up seeing a doctor about my hormones and stuff. That came back as normal, so it wasn't that. I ended up actually having sex (because everyone was like "you don't know until you try" and yadda pressure) before I knew it just wasn't for me. I felt absolutely nothing whilst doing it, even though it was with someone I really loved

[pyrotol]

for sure! that's awesome that you took the time to figure that out about yourself. :D it's definitely interesting, and i'm definitely appreciating the journey since it's opened my own mind to other people and their variety of identities. but to be honest, at the same time i really just want to find something that works, more for practical reasons of like... what to circle on forms or what bathroom to use. :|

like i think if i were able to pick one and be confident in it, i wouldn't even feel the need to bind all the time because the point would be that biological attributes typically assigned to one gender actually aren't necessarily tied to gender, so having breasts wouldn't make me any more or less of whatever gender i'd choose to be. though i guess that doesn't work for everyone but that's the way i would prefer to view my gender? if i could just pick one aaaaaaa

but yeah no matter what i end up doing, i do think there is a lot of value in just questioning and examining one's identity, even with all the stress it brings.

[inquisitory]

JESSIEEE high five on the wisdom teeth! I also had mine taken out last Thursday and I totally get you on the ever-present, distracting-but-not-awful pain. I hope the swelling goes down and we can both enjoy legit food again soon!

Totally agreed with moonloop on everything, and I think you're handling this really well by exploring your options and thinking it through as thoroughly as you have. As frustrating as it may be, from what I understand, it doesn't seem like there is a shortcut to finding your ideal personal identity aside from continuing to experiment with how you present yourself and finding out what makes you most comfortable. Here's hoping you can find a balance that works for you :)

[pyrotol]

WHOOOOO! though actually because of my limited diet i discovered this really really tasty oatmeal drink thing that i can't stop drinking, omg. so that's the good side of it i guess dflkjhgsd

yeah i realized that i'm pretty lucky in that i've been finding all these opportunities to experiment with myself and try living as someone else for a short-but-not-too-short amount of time, which is pretty neat and helpful but also crazy and sort of disorienting... :P sometimes i think it would be kind of fun to just reinvent myself every few months or so and then i wouldn't have to worry about any sort of core identity, haha. but yeah thanks for your support!!! ♥

[thrives]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa that all sounds so stressful. I'm glad that while I've always IDed as somewhere in between, I've never felt pressure to really conform to either side.

anyway I like you and I hope things work out for you and your gender stuff. I still have the picture you drew of me at AB a couple years back sitting out in my living room because I like it so much. <3

[pyrotol]

SOB yeah i think my issue is that i identify more strongly as ambiguous/fluid/i-don't-know-exactly-but-something-queerish so unless i decide beforehand "I'M GOING TO BE MALE TODAY" or something, daily things like picking bathrooms or filling out forms cause me a lot of stress because CHOICES. D: judging from the past month or so, i know i have the ability to just PICK ONE and then NO MORE STRESS, but i'm like... AFRAID OF COMMITMENT??? TO MY GENDER hahahaha. i think there's also just the fact that i don't want to need to pick one because fuck the binary wooo, but i sort of need to pick one to do a lot of daily things like i mentioned.

bawwwwww i like you too! ♥♥♥ ahahaha i remember that picture! i'm glad you still like it~