Dear Romano
Title: Dear Romano
Originally posted: 3/8/2009, on the kink meme. Link
Length: 2000 words.
Characters/Pairings: South Italy, a variety of others.
Premise: Italians are the world's best lovers, so they say; so why shouldn't one of them have an advice column?
Time period: Modern.
Smuttiness: 1/10
Funnyness: 8/10
Wrist slashiness: 0/10
Lolhistoryness: 2/10
Violence: 0/10
Would I like it?: If you like some cute, cracky fluff with your coffee.
Dear Romano,
I have a neighbor who's always getting into fights, throwing loud parties, making too much noise, and getting the cops called over. On top of that, he seems AMAZED that I would feel like I had any reason to complain! But even though he drives me crazy, I just can't get him off my mind. I've started copying the way he dresses, talks, even what kinds of programs he watches on TV (which I can hear through the walls day and night). I think I really want him to notice me, and pay as much attention to me as I do to him…but most of the time he doesn't even remember I exist. What should I do?
Overlooked in Ontario
Dear Overlooked,
Why do you feel like you have to copy anyone else? Come to think of it, why do you want this prick to pay any attention to you at all? You have some serious confidence issues, fiorellino. Don't get sucked into a relationship with some jerk just because he has the charisma you think you lack: you'll only end up resenting him. Instead, spend some time figuring out who YOU are. I bet people like you more than you think.
This guy isn't worth your time. And you'll spend less on earplugs than you would on break-up binging on wine and cannoli, believe me.
Good luck out there,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I'm in a relationship with my former boss. The problem is, he seems to think we're a lot more serious than I do. I mean, I thought we were just hanging out, and then all of a sudden he's talking about marriage! The next thing I know we've moved in together, got a dog together, and all of our friends are asking me how I deal with having such an intimidating husband. He's not my husband!
It's not that I don't care about him, I do…he's just so hard to talk to, and I don't feel like we have the same goals for our relationship. What should I do?
Sturmstrung Out
Dear Sturmstringing Along,
All right, listen. It takes two to tarantella, and it sounds like NEITHER of you are any good at communicating. Have you tried to sit him down and clearly explain what your problems are, or do you just get flustered and intimidated and drop the subject before you get to a damn point? That's what I thought. How's this guy supposed to change if you won't tell him what's the matter?
It doesn't sound like you want to break up, so try to see things in a different light. Is he nice to you? Does he try to make you happy? Has he been there for you when it mattered? Maybe he's an 'actions speak louder than words' kind of guy.
Good luck to you,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
So, like, I have this friend, let's call him L, who's like, soooo coming out of a bad relationship, you know? I mean, it was just, like, way uncool, this ex of his was like, fucking psycho, you have no idea. Now, okay, L and I were together like, fucking ages ago, but this psycho came between us, right? And now L is recovering, and like, we're hanging out again, and it's totally great!
But the thing is, Romano…I still, kind of, like, totally have a crush on L. I know, right, I should be so over this, but he's just the sweetest guy, I'm serious. So my question is: should I, like, say anything? I don't want to pressure him, but we are like, so totally meant to be!
TIA~
Ohmygod, this is totally a Warsaw Letter! Hahaha~!
Dear Warsaw,
What are you, stupid? Of COURSE you shouldn't say anything right away. Madre de Dios, the people I put up with. Listen, if you really care about your friend, you need to think about HIS needs first. If he's coming out of an abusive relationship, he's not going to want to jump straight into something else with you, capice? He needs stability while he gets his life in order again. Be his friend: offer to help him while he makes his adjustment, and give him space if he asks for it. When he's ready to stand on his own two feet again, then you can think about romance. If it's really meant to be, it'll happen in its own time.
Good luck to you both,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
There is a man who has always been like an older brother to me. Times have been hard for him, and many of his oldest friends have abandoned him. Not me; I want to stay by his side forever. I know things would be perfect if we got married and I came to live with him again. I don't think he understands what a good idea this is. We would be happy. I would take care of him and do anything he asked of me, and he would never have to be lonely ever again. How do I make him SEE it?
Bride To Be
Dear Not In This Lifetime,
Oh, Christ, more crazies. Listen, bella, you don't need an advice columnist, you need some goddamn therapy. The reason this guy wants nothing to do with you is because you're NUTS, okay? Nobody wants some loony broad hanging over their shoulder, telling them how they're supposed to feel. Go get a job, see the world, take up a hobby or something, anything to help you stop obsessing over this guy. I'm sure you'll BOTH be happier that way. If in five years he's still single and you've replaced a couple of your loose screws, write in again. Until then, forget it.
Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to double check with my editor to make sure my real address isn't available anywhere to the public.
Good luck…I guess,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I work with someone I will refer to as F. He's a terrible worker. He's always napping, or taking three lunch breaks, or running after girls instead of paying attention. He has no sense of accountability, no respect for my time, and no drive or personal ambition. He always smells like olive oil. He never works out. He's strangely jumpy about his hair. He whines. And I can't figure out what 'veveve' means, and he won't stop saying it.
In spite of all this, I don't seem to…dislike him as much as…I reasonably should. This past Valentine's Day I tried to express my feelings to him, but I believe I was misunderstood, and I am hesitant to try again. This has created an extremely awkward situation in the workplace which I am determined to resolve. What is your advice?
Bad to Wurst
Dear Motherfucking Potato Bastard,
Yeah, I've got some advice for you: stay the hell away from my brother, or I'll call up some guys who will kneecap you on your way to your car.
Get bent,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I love my husband, but he's always so involved with his work! I tried to interrupt him at his piano with a bottle of wine and my birthday suit, and he just asked me to please stop blocking his light. I don't get it! Is it me?
Hapless Hapsburg Housewife
Dear Housewife,
I feel pretty safe in saying that it's not you. Your husband's a lucky guy, and I think a lot of my readers are gonna want to hang themselves when they see this letter. I know what it's like living with an artist, believe me; it's like they go into their own little world. If you're really not content to wait him out, you'll need to get even more obvious about snapping him out of it. Got a blindfold? He can't work with THAT on. And don't be shy about closing his fingers in the piano if he really doesn't get it--it serves him right for neglecting a passionate woman like you.
Good luck to you,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
This might be a long letter, please forgive me.
There was a young man who came into my care some time ago. We didn't get along for a long time. He never wanted to work, or talk to me, or spend time with me, and I thought that meant he hated me. He kept getting into fights that I would have to rescue him from, and for a while I honestly wondered if he was trying to kill me.
I think I must have been very harsh with him, although not in the way one might expect; I never forced him to work when he didn't want to, and I never raised my voice to him. But, I also made no effort to understand him. Even though it was obvious that he didn't like being picked up, or hugged, or cuddled, I kept trying to do it anyway. I'm ashamed to say that I treated this poor young man a bit like a pet cat, always trying to stroke him when he didn't want it, and then being disappointed in the cat when he scratched my hand and ran away.
I made him learn my language, but I never tried to learn his. I thought, so long as he can understand me, what does it matter? Maybe that would be okay if I only ever wanted to be his employer, but I wanted his feelings. Why should I have expected that from him when I couldn't even wish him a good morning in his own language? It was the same with cooking, dancing, everything. I selfishly thought that if he knew me better, he would have to love me. Of course, it didn't work that way.
Worst of all, though, is that I constantly compared him to his younger brother. His brother was sweet-tempered and obedient, and a talented artist besides, and at the time, I thought I would be happier having someone like that live in my house. I cringe when I think of how many times that young man must have heard me sigh or complain about him, and then praise his brother, who lived not too far away. And then this young man moved away, and I never even made a proper goodbye.
I want to tell him that I would not trade the memory of him for his brother or anyone. I want to tell him that the years he spent working in my house were the happiest of my life. I want to tell him that I do not resent him for all the fights and expense he sometimes brought me, and that his occasional smiles meant more to me than a hundred hugs and besos from anyone else. Most of all, I want to tell him that I think I've finally got the order sorted out, and that I don't mind anymore if he does not love me; I just want him to know that I love him. But it is never the right time to say these things.
He lives far away, now, with his brother, and I think that he is content. I would like to renew our acquaintance, but I don't want to make him feel like I am chasing him for attention he does not want to give. I just want to spend time with him. Life is brighter with him in it.
My question to you, Romano, is: do you think he would be happy to see me? Or should I keep my distance?
"Buongiorno" is right, si?
Dear That's A Good Start,
I think he'd be happy to see you. Although from the sound of things, he'd never admit it.
Just don't say any of that stuff you talked about wanting to say, damn it. You'll only embarrass the guy.
Good luck: you'll need it,
Romano.
---
Continue to Dear Feliciano!
Originally posted: 3/8/2009, on the kink meme. Link
Length: 2000 words.
Characters/Pairings: South Italy, a variety of others.
Premise: Italians are the world's best lovers, so they say; so why shouldn't one of them have an advice column?
Time period: Modern.
Smuttiness: 1/10
Funnyness: 8/10
Wrist slashiness: 0/10
Lolhistoryness: 2/10
Violence: 0/10
Would I like it?: If you like some cute, cracky fluff with your coffee.
Dear Romano,
I have a neighbor who's always getting into fights, throwing loud parties, making too much noise, and getting the cops called over. On top of that, he seems AMAZED that I would feel like I had any reason to complain! But even though he drives me crazy, I just can't get him off my mind. I've started copying the way he dresses, talks, even what kinds of programs he watches on TV (which I can hear through the walls day and night). I think I really want him to notice me, and pay as much attention to me as I do to him…but most of the time he doesn't even remember I exist. What should I do?
Overlooked in Ontario
Dear Overlooked,
Why do you feel like you have to copy anyone else? Come to think of it, why do you want this prick to pay any attention to you at all? You have some serious confidence issues, fiorellino. Don't get sucked into a relationship with some jerk just because he has the charisma you think you lack: you'll only end up resenting him. Instead, spend some time figuring out who YOU are. I bet people like you more than you think.
This guy isn't worth your time. And you'll spend less on earplugs than you would on break-up binging on wine and cannoli, believe me.
Good luck out there,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I'm in a relationship with my former boss. The problem is, he seems to think we're a lot more serious than I do. I mean, I thought we were just hanging out, and then all of a sudden he's talking about marriage! The next thing I know we've moved in together, got a dog together, and all of our friends are asking me how I deal with having such an intimidating husband. He's not my husband!
It's not that I don't care about him, I do…he's just so hard to talk to, and I don't feel like we have the same goals for our relationship. What should I do?
Sturmstrung Out
Dear Sturmstringing Along,
All right, listen. It takes two to tarantella, and it sounds like NEITHER of you are any good at communicating. Have you tried to sit him down and clearly explain what your problems are, or do you just get flustered and intimidated and drop the subject before you get to a damn point? That's what I thought. How's this guy supposed to change if you won't tell him what's the matter?
It doesn't sound like you want to break up, so try to see things in a different light. Is he nice to you? Does he try to make you happy? Has he been there for you when it mattered? Maybe he's an 'actions speak louder than words' kind of guy.
Good luck to you,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
So, like, I have this friend, let's call him L, who's like, soooo coming out of a bad relationship, you know? I mean, it was just, like, way uncool, this ex of his was like, fucking psycho, you have no idea. Now, okay, L and I were together like, fucking ages ago, but this psycho came between us, right? And now L is recovering, and like, we're hanging out again, and it's totally great!
But the thing is, Romano…I still, kind of, like, totally have a crush on L. I know, right, I should be so over this, but he's just the sweetest guy, I'm serious. So my question is: should I, like, say anything? I don't want to pressure him, but we are like, so totally meant to be!
TIA~
Ohmygod, this is totally a Warsaw Letter! Hahaha~!
Dear Warsaw,
What are you, stupid? Of COURSE you shouldn't say anything right away. Madre de Dios, the people I put up with. Listen, if you really care about your friend, you need to think about HIS needs first. If he's coming out of an abusive relationship, he's not going to want to jump straight into something else with you, capice? He needs stability while he gets his life in order again. Be his friend: offer to help him while he makes his adjustment, and give him space if he asks for it. When he's ready to stand on his own two feet again, then you can think about romance. If it's really meant to be, it'll happen in its own time.
Good luck to you both,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
There is a man who has always been like an older brother to me. Times have been hard for him, and many of his oldest friends have abandoned him. Not me; I want to stay by his side forever. I know things would be perfect if we got married and I came to live with him again. I don't think he understands what a good idea this is. We would be happy. I would take care of him and do anything he asked of me, and he would never have to be lonely ever again. How do I make him SEE it?
Bride To Be
Dear Not In This Lifetime,
Oh, Christ, more crazies. Listen, bella, you don't need an advice columnist, you need some goddamn therapy. The reason this guy wants nothing to do with you is because you're NUTS, okay? Nobody wants some loony broad hanging over their shoulder, telling them how they're supposed to feel. Go get a job, see the world, take up a hobby or something, anything to help you stop obsessing over this guy. I'm sure you'll BOTH be happier that way. If in five years he's still single and you've replaced a couple of your loose screws, write in again. Until then, forget it.
Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to double check with my editor to make sure my real address isn't available anywhere to the public.
Good luck…I guess,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I work with someone I will refer to as F. He's a terrible worker. He's always napping, or taking three lunch breaks, or running after girls instead of paying attention. He has no sense of accountability, no respect for my time, and no drive or personal ambition. He always smells like olive oil. He never works out. He's strangely jumpy about his hair. He whines. And I can't figure out what 'veveve' means, and he won't stop saying it.
In spite of all this, I don't seem to…dislike him as much as…I reasonably should. This past Valentine's Day I tried to express my feelings to him, but I believe I was misunderstood, and I am hesitant to try again. This has created an extremely awkward situation in the workplace which I am determined to resolve. What is your advice?
Bad to Wurst
Dear Motherfucking Potato Bastard,
Yeah, I've got some advice for you: stay the hell away from my brother, or I'll call up some guys who will kneecap you on your way to your car.
Get bent,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I love my husband, but he's always so involved with his work! I tried to interrupt him at his piano with a bottle of wine and my birthday suit, and he just asked me to please stop blocking his light. I don't get it! Is it me?
Hapless Hapsburg Housewife
Dear Housewife,
I feel pretty safe in saying that it's not you. Your husband's a lucky guy, and I think a lot of my readers are gonna want to hang themselves when they see this letter. I know what it's like living with an artist, believe me; it's like they go into their own little world. If you're really not content to wait him out, you'll need to get even more obvious about snapping him out of it. Got a blindfold? He can't work with THAT on. And don't be shy about closing his fingers in the piano if he really doesn't get it--it serves him right for neglecting a passionate woman like you.
Good luck to you,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
This might be a long letter, please forgive me.
There was a young man who came into my care some time ago. We didn't get along for a long time. He never wanted to work, or talk to me, or spend time with me, and I thought that meant he hated me. He kept getting into fights that I would have to rescue him from, and for a while I honestly wondered if he was trying to kill me.
I think I must have been very harsh with him, although not in the way one might expect; I never forced him to work when he didn't want to, and I never raised my voice to him. But, I also made no effort to understand him. Even though it was obvious that he didn't like being picked up, or hugged, or cuddled, I kept trying to do it anyway. I'm ashamed to say that I treated this poor young man a bit like a pet cat, always trying to stroke him when he didn't want it, and then being disappointed in the cat when he scratched my hand and ran away.
I made him learn my language, but I never tried to learn his. I thought, so long as he can understand me, what does it matter? Maybe that would be okay if I only ever wanted to be his employer, but I wanted his feelings. Why should I have expected that from him when I couldn't even wish him a good morning in his own language? It was the same with cooking, dancing, everything. I selfishly thought that if he knew me better, he would have to love me. Of course, it didn't work that way.
Worst of all, though, is that I constantly compared him to his younger brother. His brother was sweet-tempered and obedient, and a talented artist besides, and at the time, I thought I would be happier having someone like that live in my house. I cringe when I think of how many times that young man must have heard me sigh or complain about him, and then praise his brother, who lived not too far away. And then this young man moved away, and I never even made a proper goodbye.
I want to tell him that I would not trade the memory of him for his brother or anyone. I want to tell him that the years he spent working in my house were the happiest of my life. I want to tell him that I do not resent him for all the fights and expense he sometimes brought me, and that his occasional smiles meant more to me than a hundred hugs and besos from anyone else. Most of all, I want to tell him that I think I've finally got the order sorted out, and that I don't mind anymore if he does not love me; I just want him to know that I love him. But it is never the right time to say these things.
He lives far away, now, with his brother, and I think that he is content. I would like to renew our acquaintance, but I don't want to make him feel like I am chasing him for attention he does not want to give. I just want to spend time with him. Life is brighter with him in it.
My question to you, Romano, is: do you think he would be happy to see me? Or should I keep my distance?
"Buongiorno" is right, si?
Dear That's A Good Start,
I think he'd be happy to see you. Although from the sound of things, he'd never admit it.
Just don't say any of that stuff you talked about wanting to say, damn it. You'll only embarrass the guy.
Good luck: you'll need it,
Romano.
---
Continue to Dear Feliciano!