Alexander: A Macedonian Boy Scout is Always Prepared With a Sword and Lube
A Macedonian Boy Scout is Always Prepared With a Sword and Lube
Author: Qaddafi the Ripper
Fandom: Alexander original story
Summary: For thu_is_pretty. Pure crack: Cleitus takes the boys on a boy scout camping trip. Or something like that.
[Scene enters on a group of boys clustered outside the palace at Pella. Their parents are gathered in a group to the side, all smiling broadly. Standing on his own in front of the boys is Cleitus, wearing a disturbingly short brown chiton.]
Cleitus: Alright boys. It's time to say good-bye to your families and to childhood. When we get back here the end of the weekend, you'll no longer be boys, but men.
*The boys shift and mutter faintly amongst themselves, but don't seem overly enthusiastic*
Cleitus: *sighing to himself* You'll never get through the weekend with an attitude like that... *to the boys, in his best drill sergeant voice* Listen up you mother's sons! You'll be under my supervision this weekend, and if you so much as sneeze without my permission, then you're out of this operation! Is that understood?
The boys: *jerk sharply to attention and speak in unison* Yes, sir!
Cleitus: *walking menacingly down the ranks* Philotas!
Philotas: Yes, sir!
Cleitus: Tell me what we are, Philotas.
Philotas: We are the boy scouts of Macedon, sir!
Cleitus: And what exactly does that mean, Kassander?
Kassander: It means we're part of an elite, prepubescent, paramilitary fraternity, sir!
Cleitus: Very good, scout. And what will we be doing this weekend, Nearchus?
Nearchus: Earning merit badges, sir!
Cleitus: Which badges, Ptolemy?
Ptolemy: Three badges total, sir! The sex merit badge, the killing merit badge, and one merit badge of our choice, sir!
Cleitus: And do any previous kills or sex encounters count towards the merit badges, Hephaistion?
Hephaistion: No, sir!
Cleitus: Why not?
Hephaistion: So that every scout has to accomplish the same thing, sir!
Cleitus: Good, good... And which badge is the most important, Alexander?
Alexander: *without any hesitation* The killing merit badge, sir!
Cleitus: *sighs, and turns to the group of parents, easily picking out Philip* How in Hades did he get an attitude like that with you as his father?
Philip: Damned if I know. You just put him straight. *He pauses to think about his choice of words* Or not straight, as the case may be.
Cleitus: *turning back to the boys* Scout Harpalos! Tell your fellow scout which merit badge is REALLY the most important one!
Harpalos: *with even less hesitation than Alexander* The sex merit badge, sir!
Cleitus: Very good. It's nice to know that some people have been paying attention. Are there any questions?
Harpalos: Sir! If I have sex with two people, do I still need to kill someone?
Cleitus: What kind of dumb ass question is that, scout? Of course you have to kill someone!
Harpalos: *waving a piece of paper* But my mummy gave me permission to not have to kill anybody because I'm handicapped.
Cleitus: *gets right into Harpalos's face with a very scary expression* It's too late to get out of anything now, scout. No rations for you tonight.
*Harpalos gets a look like the world has just come to an end, like the Persians have just defeated the Greeks, and like buggery is something frowned on, all rolled up into one, only even worse*
Kassander: Sir! Permission to hit Harpalos?
Cleitus: Permission granted.
*Kassander hits Harpalos, who does a convincing hurt puppy impression*
Cleitus: *ignoring Ptolemy's raised hand* Alright, question time is over! Grab your things, and head out! And don't think for a moment that you're allowed to say good-bye to your parents!
*The boys grab their stuff and quickly jog off to where their horses are waiting. After a few minutes, the group of parents is alone*
Parmenion: Are they gone?
Antipater: *squinting down the dust trail* Looks like it.
Olympias: Then everyone knows what time it is now, right?
All the parents in unison: Party time!
*Philip pulls out a bottle of champaign and Parmenion puts a red-and-white checkered picnic tablecloth on the ground. The parents all gather round and start drinking.*
[Scene: Somewhere in the wilds of Macedon, where only boy scouts and experienced woodsmen dare to tread. Okay, so it's just outside of Thebes, but that's still pretty close, right? The boys have set up two-person tents, which are being shared as: Alexander and Hephaistion, Ptolemy and Nearchus, Philotas and Kassander, and Harpalos and Cleitus. (No one else was willing to put up with Harpalos's whining all weekend. Not that Cleitus is either, mind you, but there are certain sacrifices that a scout master has to make.) Currently, everyone is gathered around the campfire, roasting marshmallows for smores.]
Cleitus: We'll start the work on the merit badges tomorrow, so everyone get up early.
Philotas: *glancing at Thebes, which is very close and doubtless populated by numerous members of the female species* Are you sure we can't start tonight, sir?
Cleitus: You'll have plenty of time tomorrow. Besides, if you don't get a good night's rest tonight, then tomorrow you might fall asleep while killing a man, or, worse, while fucking a man!
Ptolemy: Aren't we allowed to fuck women too, sir?
Cleitus: *bored* Yes, yes, I suppose you are. After all, there are two sex merit badges: the straight sex merit badge, and the gay sex merit badge. You can earn either one, or even both if you're up to it.
Alexander: Instead of having sex with someone, can't we just kill two people? Or twenty? Or maybe raze the entire city?
Cleitus: *sighs, mouths a quick prayer, and turns to Hephaistion* You might want to talk to your boyfriend this weekend. He sounds like he'll need some help. And scout is allowed to earn the sex merit badge with help from another scout, you know.
Hephaistion: Yes, sir. I'll try, sir.
Harpalos: If I get both the straight and the gay sex merit badges, do I still have to get the killing merit badges, sir?
Cleitus: *gives Harpalos a dirty look*
Kassander: Sir! Permission to hit Kassander?
Cleitus: Permission granted. *Kassander whacks Harpalos*
Philotas: *to Ptolemy* Hey, just between the two of us, let's make this more interesting. Whichever one of us has sex with more babes wins, okay?
Ptolemy: Sounds fun. You got a deal. But how do we know the other person is being honest about the number of women he fucked?
Nearchus: Gentlemen, I have the answer to your problem. I will kindly accompany you both, and keep track of how many women -- or men -- each of you sleeps with. Then you'd needn't worry about lying.
Cleitus: Nearchus, are you going to need some extra help too?
Nearchus: Sir, if you'll check the official scout handbook, you'll find that there is a voyeur merit badge. That's the third one I plan on earning this weekend, after earning the other two, of course.
Cleitus: Ah, very good. Carry on.
Nearchus: *to Philotas and Ptolemy* In that same vein, there's also the threesome merit badge, the foursome merit badge, and the orgy merit badge. You might want to consider trying for one or more of those, as that will assist your competition also.
*The smores finish, and Harpalos steals Kassander's smore to get back at him for the punches*
Cleitus: Alright, scouts, off to bed with you. And tomorrow, make sure you remember the scout's motto: always be prepared. That means carry your sword, and, for those going for the gay sex merit badge, make sure to have some lube. Dismissed!
[Scene: the next morning, some back street on Thebes. Philotas, Ptolemy, and Nearchus have ganged up on a group of three homeless people, and quickly slaughter them.]
Nearchus: Does it still count for the merit badge if you kill people who don't fight back?
Philotas: Of course it does. Now, let's move on to the important part!
Philotas, Ptolemy, and Nearchus in unison: Sex!
* They run off towards the nearest brothel*
[Scene: the really rich neighborhood of Thebes. Kassander is currently writing stuff all over the walls, like: THEBANS SUCK EVERYTHING EXCEPT COCK, and DEMOSTHENES KNOWS WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER!, and FOR A GOOD TIME, CALL HARPALOS! When he feels that he's put up a sufficient number of phrases, he signs his name to it, and smiles in satisfaction.]
Kassander: Ha! And Philotas said trying for the graffiti merit badge was suicide! Well, I sure showed him!
*From behind him rises a group of angry rich citizens, carrying pitchforks, torches, and various other instruments of pain.*
Kassander: Eep. *He runs away faster than he's ever run before*
*After many minutes of Kassander running from the enraged crowd, with western chase music being played in the background, he runs into Hephaistion and Alexander*
Kassander: Save me, please!
Alexander: I'm always ready to kill people!
*Alexander kills most of the crowd, although Hephaistion and Kassander help. A few people manage to run away before they get slaughtered.*
Kassander: *regaining his constitution very quickly* So, that's two merit badges I've earned already, and the sex one is the easy one. How are you guys doing?
Hephaistion: Well, we earned the Homer literature merit badge this morning for quoting, like, one hundred pages verbatim, so now we have two badges, same as you.
Kassander: *nastily* Need some help earning the sex badge?
Hephaistion: *stiffly* No, thank you.
Alexander: Look, I see more people we can kill! Come, Hephaistion! To battle! *he runs off down the street*
Hephaistion: *sighs* Coming. *he runs off too*
Kassander: Battle instead of sex? How does he think the king after him is going to happen? Weirdo...
[Scene: one of the many whorehouses in Thebes. The lights are dim, but not dim enough that Nearchus can't tell that Philotas has two women at the same time, and Ptolemy has three.]
Nearchus: *calling for the proprietor* Hey, can we get some more lamps in here or something? For all I can see, the one on top of Philotas might be a guy!
Philotas: Shit! Nearchus, you just had to go and say something, didn't you!
Nearchus: *eyes very wide in fascination* Whoa. And here I thought you were straighter than an arrow, Philotas. Now I really wish this place had better lighting...
[Scene: a rather seedy bar. Harpalos has made his way inside after having a threesome with a hot babe and a cute guy, both of whom found his limp to be a major turn-on. Alexander stumbles inside, looking pissed.]
Harpalos: *waving him over* Alexander! Come, sit with me!
Alexander: *sitting down across from Harpalos* Hey, you're looking well. How are you coming with the merit badges?
Harpalos: Okay, I guess. I got the straight sex, gay sex, and threesome merit badges at the same time. Do you think that will get me out of having to earn the killing merit badge?
Alexander: No.
Harpalos: Damn. Hey, you aren't with Hephaistion?
Alexander: No, I kinda lost track of him after killing my thirtieth man. But I'm sure he's fine. *he makes a face* He's probably off earning his sex merit badge.
Harpalos: You haven't earned the sex merit badge yet?
Alexander: *making a worse face* No.
Harpalos: Well, then, I have an idea. If you help me earn my killing merit badge, I'll help you earn your sex merit badge.
Alexander: Really?
Harpalos: Really.
Alexander: *jumping to his feet, excited* Let's go then! I'll find somebody, and hold them down so you can kill them!
Harpalos: *getting up a lot more slowly* Joy. Mummy will never forgive me for this...
[Scene: back to the campsite at night, with another fire going and more smores being cooked. Cleitus is critically surveying his troops. Much like Philotas, Ptolemy, and Nearchus, Cleitus spent his entire day having sex. Except, as the scout master, he did a much better hob of it than his scouts did.]
Cleitus: Scouts! I want status reports! Philotas, you start.
Philotas: Sir! I killed a man early this morning, and spent the rest of the day having sex with women, once with two at the same time! Nearchus counted fourteen fucks total.
Nearchus: Don't be modest, Philotas. That threesome you had was with one woman and one man. That gives you another merit badge, so why hide it?
Philotas: *blushing* Shut your Cretan ass up, damn it!
Cleitus: Very good, Philotas, you can rest tomorrow. Unless you want more sex, of course. Nearchus, I take it your voyeurism merit badge was completed successfully?
Nearchus: Yes, sir, it was. I also killed a man and had sex with a woman.
Cleitus: Good man. Ptolemy?
Ptolemy: I killed a man this morning also, sir, and over the rest of the day, I had sex with seventeen woman, once with two at the same time, and once with three at the same time. *Victorious, he smirks broadly at Philotas, a man who takes losing well, as is demonstrated by the fact that Philotas sticks his tongue out at Ptolemy and blows him a raspberry*
Cleitus: Excellent. *notes the raspberry* And you boys can share a tent tonight, if you need it. Kassander, how did you do?
Kassander: Sir, I wrote naughty sayings on the walls, and was forced to kill a man while fleeing for my life. Then I had sex.
Philotas: *impressed despite himself* You managed to earn the graffiti merit badge? Damn.
Cleitus: Excellent work, especially that one sentence, THEBAN BOYS COME VISIT CLEITUS FOR HOT MONKEY ACTION. I appreciated it. Harpalos, how 'bout you?
Harpalos: I had a threesome with a man and a woman, then this afternoon I killed my first man, sir.
Kassander: *scoffing* You did not.
Harpalos: I did too.
Kassander: Did not! Sir! Permission to hit Harpalos for lying?
Cleitus: Permission granted. *Kassander slugs Harpalos*
Alexander: Harpalos really did kill a man, sir. I saw him.
Cleitus: Really? Well. Good job, Harpalos, I'm proud of you. And how about you, Alexander? Have you gotten all your merit badges?
Alexander: Today, I killed thirty-seven men, and I burnt down five buildings. And you already heard me and Hephaistion quote the Achilles-Patroklos parts of the Illiad to you.
Cleitus: I did. So, did you have sex?
Alexander: *glaring* Yes.
Cleitus: Hephaistion? Did you and Alexander have sex?
Hephaistion: *glumly* No, sir.
Alexander: *pissed* Harpalos was supposed to help me get laid after I helped him kill that guy, but he took so long that we didn't have any time left!
Harpalos: Hey! It isn't my fault! You could have fucked Hephaistion any time you wanted to!
Kassander: Yeah, just like how you killed a man without any help at all?
Harpalos: Sir! Permission to hit Kassander?
Cleitus: Permission granted. *Harpalos hits Kassander, although he can't hit as hard as Kassander can*
Kassander: Ow! Hey, that hurt, you damn cripple! Sir, permission to hit him back?
Cleitus: Permission granted. *Kassander retaliates*
Harpalos: Owwie! Sir! Permission to fuck Kassander for that?
Cleitus: *without hesitation* Permission granted.
Kassander: What?!?
Harpalos: Oh, you know you've been flirting with me all weekend. *he jumps Kassander*
Alexander: Oh, you can figure out how you can get laid with Kassander, but you can't figure out how to get me laid? Thanks a lot.
Harpalos: *doesn't hear a word Alexander says*
Hephaistion: *gets a brilliant idea* Sir! Permission to fuck Alexander?
Cleitus: *grinning* Smart boy. Permission granted.
Hephaistion: Yes!! *he jumps Alexander*
Nearchus: *peering down at everyone* Today's a good day to be a voyeur.
[And, thus, all the boy scouts earned their merit badges and became true men. Or something like that.]