Entry #09 - "Exponential"
Title: Exponential
Written By: moose74
Timeline: Post Season Five
Rating: R
Warnings: None
Genre: Romance, Fluff
Exponential
Canada doesn’t seem much different than the US, but whatever makes the muncher’s happy, I guess. Gus’s birthday was a success, judging by the decimated state of the living room. I’m attempting to wrest a plastic dinosaur from its package, but I‘m only half way through the 50 plastic ties that are holding it in place.
Lindsay comes in from the Kitchen, “Still working on it?”
“Why the fu-,” she shoots me a glare. “Why in the world do thy package these things like they’re made of solid gold?”
“I have no idea. Forget about it for right now. Let’s take Gus to the park before it gets dark. He needs to burn off that cake or he’ll never get to sleep.”
“Working off that cake sounds like a great idea.”
We round him up and follow behind him as he half skips half runs to the park at the end of their block. “I can’t believe he’s five already,” Lindsay says thoughtfully.
“I know; seems like only yesterday I was whacking off in a cup.”
“I was thinking more of the night he was born.”
“I remember it well,” and I do, but I am thinking of another boy now. We exchange smiles. We reach the park and Lindsay does the mother hen routine, calling out a string of warnings and we find a bench to watch Gus run himself ragged.
“I have a confession to make,” she says.
“True Canadian Lesbian Confessions?”
“Sorry, not that juicy. About when Gus was born. All the books I read said that mothers fall instantly in love with their babies, but I didn’t. I was so scared and exhausted and just overwhelmed with how I was going to take care of this other human being love was the last thing on my mind. So on top of all that I’m freaking out that I don’t feel love for my baby!”
“Freak.”
“Glad I didn’t confide in you! About a week and a half after we came home from the hospital I was sitting in the living room, holding Gus, and he was just drifting off to sleep and he smiled. The most adorable smile I had ever seen.”
“It was probably gas.”
“It probably was, but it didn’t matter because that smile made me fall in love with him. I knew I wanted to see and make him smile over and over and over again.”
“Mom! Dad! Watch me!” Gus yells and waves from his perch at the top of the slide. He speeds down the slide a grin splitting his face. I wave back at him and think of other smiles. Prom smiles, backroom smiles, Stockwell defeat smiles, proposal smiles, smiles I haven’t seen for so long.
“Since your being such a good listener and I’m feeling nostalgic, I’ll tell you another story.”
“The Little Lesbian that Could?”
“Shut up! You love every minute!” She laughs as she squeezes my hand. I roll my eyes, but don’t try and stop her.
“I started to worry again before Jenny Rebecca was born.”
“For a dyke, you’re a pretty big drama queen,” she ignores me and continues.
“I didn’t know how I could love this new baby too. I loved Gus and Mel, but would I have enough love for another child? And Dusty told me…” She trails off for a moment and I squeeze her hand this time. “Dusty said, ‘Love is exponential. The more you love, the more you have to give. It transforms you.’”
Dusk is drawing nearer and Gus seems to be slowing a bit. We sit quietly with our own thoughts until Lindsay informs Gus he can go down the slide one more time and we meet him at the bottom. He takes each of our hands and we head back toward their house.
Lindsay is the first to break the silence, “How’s Justin?”
“Subtle. Very subtle.”
“Yeah! How’s Justin? He sent me a postcard with a big green lady on it. He said if I come and visit him some day he’ll take me to see it! Isn’t that cool?”
“Very cool,” I reply to Gus. “He’s fine. We mostly email, it’s just…easier that way.”
“Have you been to visit him?”
“I’ve been busy with Kinnetik. And I don’t want to get in his way.”
“It’s okay to want to visit, to want to see him, you know? It’s okay to still want to love him.”
“Thanks, I gathered that form the very special episode of ‘Gay as Blazes’ we had in the park there.” We reach their walk and Gus runs ahead, racing through the front door. Lindsay stops me, “I’m serious Brian.”
“I know. I do want to see him. I want him with me all the time. I just don’t what to do about it. What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s moved on to bigger and better in the Big Apple?”
She smiles, “As I recall, he couldn’t move on to much bigger.” I give a small laugh. “Well, you won’t know if you don’t try. No regrets, right?”
I kiss her cheek, “I’ll think about it. Now shut up or I’ll assemble Gus’ new drum kit tonight instead of tomorrow.”
*****
I lay awake a long time that night. The past five years have been interesting to say the least. Am I better for it? Was it worth it? Those seem like simple questions, but I am finding no simple answers. Right now, I am pretty content with how my life has turned out. I go over seemingly every single moment and I wouldn’t trade the majority of it. Brian Kinney, seemingly, has it all. I want more. I need more than this. And when have I ever been one to sit on my ass and wait for things to happen?
I get up and grab my Blackberry off the dresser. Send a few emails, make a few adjustments and get back into bed. I close my eyes and know that tomorrow will be better.
*****
The flight is smooth and uneventful, but there’s not enough Beam on board too calm me. We finally land and when I get outside I hail the first available cab. I give him the address and we head into the city. I lean back and try not to watch the road since this guy is driving like a fucking maniac. We finally stop and I pay him, extra for getting me here alive. I straighten myself out and head into the building.
The old elevator looks about as safe as the cab ride over so I opt for the stairs; two flights have never seemed so long. Here I am faced with a heave metal door with a crooked number 7 barely clinging to the door. I knock. I wait. I knock again. Its 10a.m. for christ’s sake, not dawn! I reach up to knock a third time and I hear a muffled, “I’m coming! Keep your pants on!” The door swings open and I’m facing blond hairs sticking up three different way, two days growth and sweat pants that should be burned, “Look, I told you I’d pay….Brian? Brian!”
“You’re going to pay me to keep my pants on?” He throws his arms around me and I quickly do the same. Our lips press into a hard kiss.
“What are you doing here? I had no idea you were coming! What the fuck are you doing here?” Justin’s words tumble out in rapid fire as he walks me backwards into his apartment.
“I heard you’re offering tours to the big green lady and I thought I’d take you up on it.” He smiles and I know I made the right decision.
“Seriously?”
“Well, that and the Pitts have not been the same with out you.”
“I doubt that.”
“It’s true. Rapid decline. It’s practically a shambles, sad really. It used to be pretty good.”
He reveals a knowing smile, “Really. What am I going to do about that?”
“I think it’s a problem will have to solve together.”
“Where do we start?”
“Wherever you want. Rage and JT can save the world anywhere, anytime, but only together. Right?”
“Right.” He smiles again, and I grab him and kiss him hard again. This is where I’m supposed to be, need to be. With him. New York, Pittsburgh, Timbuktu, doesn’t matter. We come up for a breath and laugh. We press our foreheads together and smile at each other. No matter what happens, where we go, we will always have this; and all the moments before that brought us here. What I thought was the end was only the beginning. There will be no regrets as long as we take the risks. Together.
Written By: moose74
Timeline: Post Season Five
Rating: R
Warnings: None
Genre: Romance, Fluff
Exponential
Canada doesn’t seem much different than the US, but whatever makes the muncher’s happy, I guess. Gus’s birthday was a success, judging by the decimated state of the living room. I’m attempting to wrest a plastic dinosaur from its package, but I‘m only half way through the 50 plastic ties that are holding it in place.
Lindsay comes in from the Kitchen, “Still working on it?”
“Why the fu-,” she shoots me a glare. “Why in the world do thy package these things like they’re made of solid gold?”
“I have no idea. Forget about it for right now. Let’s take Gus to the park before it gets dark. He needs to burn off that cake or he’ll never get to sleep.”
“Working off that cake sounds like a great idea.”
We round him up and follow behind him as he half skips half runs to the park at the end of their block. “I can’t believe he’s five already,” Lindsay says thoughtfully.
“I know; seems like only yesterday I was whacking off in a cup.”
“I was thinking more of the night he was born.”
“I remember it well,” and I do, but I am thinking of another boy now. We exchange smiles. We reach the park and Lindsay does the mother hen routine, calling out a string of warnings and we find a bench to watch Gus run himself ragged.
“I have a confession to make,” she says.
“True Canadian Lesbian Confessions?”
“Sorry, not that juicy. About when Gus was born. All the books I read said that mothers fall instantly in love with their babies, but I didn’t. I was so scared and exhausted and just overwhelmed with how I was going to take care of this other human being love was the last thing on my mind. So on top of all that I’m freaking out that I don’t feel love for my baby!”
“Freak.”
“Glad I didn’t confide in you! About a week and a half after we came home from the hospital I was sitting in the living room, holding Gus, and he was just drifting off to sleep and he smiled. The most adorable smile I had ever seen.”
“It was probably gas.”
“It probably was, but it didn’t matter because that smile made me fall in love with him. I knew I wanted to see and make him smile over and over and over again.”
“Mom! Dad! Watch me!” Gus yells and waves from his perch at the top of the slide. He speeds down the slide a grin splitting his face. I wave back at him and think of other smiles. Prom smiles, backroom smiles, Stockwell defeat smiles, proposal smiles, smiles I haven’t seen for so long.
“Since your being such a good listener and I’m feeling nostalgic, I’ll tell you another story.”
“The Little Lesbian that Could?”
“Shut up! You love every minute!” She laughs as she squeezes my hand. I roll my eyes, but don’t try and stop her.
“I started to worry again before Jenny Rebecca was born.”
“For a dyke, you’re a pretty big drama queen,” she ignores me and continues.
“I didn’t know how I could love this new baby too. I loved Gus and Mel, but would I have enough love for another child? And Dusty told me…” She trails off for a moment and I squeeze her hand this time. “Dusty said, ‘Love is exponential. The more you love, the more you have to give. It transforms you.’”
Dusk is drawing nearer and Gus seems to be slowing a bit. We sit quietly with our own thoughts until Lindsay informs Gus he can go down the slide one more time and we meet him at the bottom. He takes each of our hands and we head back toward their house.
Lindsay is the first to break the silence, “How’s Justin?”
“Subtle. Very subtle.”
“Yeah! How’s Justin? He sent me a postcard with a big green lady on it. He said if I come and visit him some day he’ll take me to see it! Isn’t that cool?”
“Very cool,” I reply to Gus. “He’s fine. We mostly email, it’s just…easier that way.”
“Have you been to visit him?”
“I’ve been busy with Kinnetik. And I don’t want to get in his way.”
“It’s okay to want to visit, to want to see him, you know? It’s okay to still want to love him.”
“Thanks, I gathered that form the very special episode of ‘Gay as Blazes’ we had in the park there.” We reach their walk and Gus runs ahead, racing through the front door. Lindsay stops me, “I’m serious Brian.”
“I know. I do want to see him. I want him with me all the time. I just don’t what to do about it. What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s moved on to bigger and better in the Big Apple?”
She smiles, “As I recall, he couldn’t move on to much bigger.” I give a small laugh. “Well, you won’t know if you don’t try. No regrets, right?”
I kiss her cheek, “I’ll think about it. Now shut up or I’ll assemble Gus’ new drum kit tonight instead of tomorrow.”
*****
I lay awake a long time that night. The past five years have been interesting to say the least. Am I better for it? Was it worth it? Those seem like simple questions, but I am finding no simple answers. Right now, I am pretty content with how my life has turned out. I go over seemingly every single moment and I wouldn’t trade the majority of it. Brian Kinney, seemingly, has it all. I want more. I need more than this. And when have I ever been one to sit on my ass and wait for things to happen?
I get up and grab my Blackberry off the dresser. Send a few emails, make a few adjustments and get back into bed. I close my eyes and know that tomorrow will be better.
*****
The flight is smooth and uneventful, but there’s not enough Beam on board too calm me. We finally land and when I get outside I hail the first available cab. I give him the address and we head into the city. I lean back and try not to watch the road since this guy is driving like a fucking maniac. We finally stop and I pay him, extra for getting me here alive. I straighten myself out and head into the building.
The old elevator looks about as safe as the cab ride over so I opt for the stairs; two flights have never seemed so long. Here I am faced with a heave metal door with a crooked number 7 barely clinging to the door. I knock. I wait. I knock again. Its 10a.m. for christ’s sake, not dawn! I reach up to knock a third time and I hear a muffled, “I’m coming! Keep your pants on!” The door swings open and I’m facing blond hairs sticking up three different way, two days growth and sweat pants that should be burned, “Look, I told you I’d pay….Brian? Brian!”
“You’re going to pay me to keep my pants on?” He throws his arms around me and I quickly do the same. Our lips press into a hard kiss.
“What are you doing here? I had no idea you were coming! What the fuck are you doing here?” Justin’s words tumble out in rapid fire as he walks me backwards into his apartment.
“I heard you’re offering tours to the big green lady and I thought I’d take you up on it.” He smiles and I know I made the right decision.
“Seriously?”
“Well, that and the Pitts have not been the same with out you.”
“I doubt that.”
“It’s true. Rapid decline. It’s practically a shambles, sad really. It used to be pretty good.”
He reveals a knowing smile, “Really. What am I going to do about that?”
“I think it’s a problem will have to solve together.”
“Where do we start?”
“Wherever you want. Rage and JT can save the world anywhere, anytime, but only together. Right?”
“Right.” He smiles again, and I grab him and kiss him hard again. This is where I’m supposed to be, need to be. With him. New York, Pittsburgh, Timbuktu, doesn’t matter. We come up for a breath and laugh. We press our foreheads together and smile at each other. No matter what happens, where we go, we will always have this; and all the moments before that brought us here. What I thought was the end was only the beginning. There will be no regrets as long as we take the risks. Together.