11. One More Look (Drabble 2)
Title: One More Look
Author: michele659
Drabble: #2 by IJ's tweedygal
Beta: johnnysbiotch
Notes: Neither of them thought it would become more difficult to part each time they had to say goodbye.
Timeline: Post 513
****
"Don't go." Justin's voice was low, almost a whisper. Brian closed his eyes against it, pretending he hadn't heard. He reached out and touched Justin's hair, waiting another minute before he got up.
"One more minute," Justin echoed Brian's thoughts.
"You know I have to, Justin."
Justin sighed imperceptibly. "I never thought it would be this hard."
Brian didn't answer. Instead he pulled Justin to him, touching his face and
kissing him softly before he pushed him gently away and moved to get out of bed.
"One more second?" Justin asked quietly.
"Justin."
"I know."
"One more second?" Justin asked quietly.
"Justin."
"I know."
Brian left without another word.
As he walked down the streets of NY, it seemed like everything was conspiring to make him feel alone.
Five o'clock in the morning on a Sunday. The streets were deserted; the rain was falling in an erratic pattern. Not hard, not soft. Just steady and cold enough to make sure he felt as miserable as possible.
The city did look amazing, though. Seeing things through Justin's eyes, he could see how this would be an inspiring place to paint. A place with a lot of mystery, many stories, both explicit and hidden beauty.
There was something beautiful in the stillness, in the autumn leaves that draped the sidewalk, in the glow of the streetlamps.
Brian could hear his footsteps echoing down the street. The steps echoing like the ticking of a clock.
He'd told that to Justin the first night they met.
"Tick, tick, tick."
Life goes fucking on.
Brian knew they'd done the right thing.
Justin was thriving here artistically. He had support, he had inspiration, and he had everything it seemed he wanted.
Except Justin wanted him, too.
It hadn't seemed so hard at first. They both made the trip to and from Pittsburgh regularly.
And they talked every day.
But each time they were together it seemed they loved each other more.
And the more they loved each other, the harder it was to say goodbye.
The harder it became to say it's only for a little while, or "it's only time."
Time-Time was not their friend. It had never really been their friend. They have a night together that should have been a new beginning for the two of them and Justin gets bashed. He never remembers it. Never remembers the feelings so evident in Brian's eyes and touch that night. Time and timing. He and Justin getting closer at the same time Brian got cancer. Pushing him away to make sure Justin didn't leave him. Brian shook his head. It had made sense at the time. He sighed again. Asking Justin to move in just as he had gotten the invitation to do the art direction for the movie, Rage. Brian feeling time creeping up on him in the form of Brandon at the same time Justin was longing to be closer. Almost losing Justin to death again. Finally fully committing to him at the same time Justin got this chance to make it as an artist in NY. Time was never their friend.
Time was never a friend to lovers who had to part.
Justin was the one saying one more minute; one more second-but Brian was feeling that as well.
Only in his mind Brian was saying, "One more look, one more look."
Brian sometimes thought that having taking one more look was a way to stave off their inevitable parting.
The parting was always hard. Even if he told himself it was temporary. Although when Brian was feeling depressed (or drunk) he saw it as permanent, and inevitable.
One more look- just in case it was the last one he'd ever have of Justin.
When he got to his car, Brian put his head on his steering wheel and cried.
***
Justin stayed in bed, moving over to Brian's side of it. Holding onto the pillow, inhaling deeply. He kept things around the apartment that Brian had left-a shirt, a sweater, anything that Justin could hold and feel Brian there with him.
He sighed. He knew he shouldn't have said "One more minute, one more second." He hated sounding clingy and like he couldn't let go of Brian.
The truth was, though he could live his life without Brian if he had to- he really didn't want to.
Justin loved his life. He loved the city, loved the inspiration he felt living here. He loved experiencing the sights, sounds and smells of the city. He'd drink it all in, and feel satisfied and happy.
He had friends; he had support for his art, for his dreams.
But he didn't have Brian. Not the way he wanted to have him.
Justin sighed and got out of bed. It was useless to try and go back to sleep again. He made himself some coffee and looked out at the city, wondering where Brian was now.
He wished he could have had one more look.
**
Brian let himself in with his spare key.
Justin was staring out the window, looking desolate.
He was tapping on the table, rhythmic pounding that made Brian think again of the ticking clock. "Tick, tick, tick." "It's only time, it's only time, it's only time." When the hell did he get so blasé' about time? Brian knew better.
Time steals everything.
Justin looked up at that moment, sensing that Brian was in the apt. "Brian, what are you doing here? I thought you had to go."
"I-fuck, Justin, I don't know what I think anymore. Except, I don't think this is right for us.'
Justin looked at him warily. "What do you mean? What's not right for us?"
"You being here-me being in Pittsburgh. It doesn't feel right."
Justin looked away and went back to staring out the window. "You want to break up," he said without any inflection in his voice. "Fine, I understand. It's too much for you."
Brian felt anger well up within him. "That's NOT what I meant. And tell me, if it was would you really just let me go without a fight?"
"Why not?" Justin asked. "You did."
"I - I never did."
Justin laughed. He could think of at least a few occasions when Brian had let him go without a fight. But there was no point in rehashing those times now.
"Justin," Brian came over to him and took his face in his hands, forcing Justin to look at him."I don't want to let you go. I just- I don't want to go on like this. You think you're the only person saying 'one more minute, one more second 'when we leave each other? Well, you're not. I say the same thing every time. Every fucking time. I don't look back because I'm afraid if I do I'll never leave.
"All I really want? Is one more look at you."
Justin looked taken aback. He and Brian rarely discussed how being apart made them feel. They spent most of their time trying to convince the other they were "just fine", at the same time they were being ripped up from the inside.
Justin took Brian's hands off his face and kissed them. "I think the same thing. I say to myself, 'turn around. I need one more look at you."
Their foreheads touched and for a few moments they just stayed like that.
"So, what do you think we should do?" Justin finally asked.
"I think that we should be together. And I think that you should be here in NY. I think we should live here in NY part of the week and be in Pittsburgh part of the week. We could live in the house."
Justin smiled. "You want to live here with me?"
Brian looked around. It was a nice apartment, but really only suitable for one person. Especially when that person was an artist who was a bit on the messy side. He smiled. "Why don't you keep this for a studio and we can get something a little bigger for the two of us?"
Justin's response was a huge hug.
Brian closed his eyes and for just a moment it was the first night they met. Justin was open and brave that night, bold and innocent, courageous though a bit fearful.
The way he embraced the unknown was one thing that made Brian love Justin as much as he did.
Justin's breath was soft and warm in his ear. Brian kissed him, and again he was transported back to that first night.
Justin looked at Brian and he thought back to when they first met. "I'm going with him," he'd said, and since then he'd never really wanted anything else.
"Was that a yes?" Brian grinned.
"Yes, of course that was a yes!" They both smiled as they remembered the day Brian proposed. This time they both knew it was for real. This time there'd be no last minute separations. Nothing to get in the way.
There was never again going to be a reason for them to say to the other: "Just one more look."
Author: michele659
Drabble: #2 by IJ's tweedygal
Beta: johnnysbiotch
Notes: Neither of them thought it would become more difficult to part each time they had to say goodbye.
Timeline: Post 513
****
"Don't go." Justin's voice was low, almost a whisper. Brian closed his eyes against it, pretending he hadn't heard. He reached out and touched Justin's hair, waiting another minute before he got up.
"One more minute," Justin echoed Brian's thoughts.
"You know I have to, Justin."
Justin sighed imperceptibly. "I never thought it would be this hard."
Brian didn't answer. Instead he pulled Justin to him, touching his face and
kissing him softly before he pushed him gently away and moved to get out of bed.
"One more second?" Justin asked quietly.
"Justin."
"I know."
"One more second?" Justin asked quietly.
"Justin."
"I know."
Brian left without another word.
As he walked down the streets of NY, it seemed like everything was conspiring to make him feel alone.
Five o'clock in the morning on a Sunday. The streets were deserted; the rain was falling in an erratic pattern. Not hard, not soft. Just steady and cold enough to make sure he felt as miserable as possible.
The city did look amazing, though. Seeing things through Justin's eyes, he could see how this would be an inspiring place to paint. A place with a lot of mystery, many stories, both explicit and hidden beauty.
There was something beautiful in the stillness, in the autumn leaves that draped the sidewalk, in the glow of the streetlamps.
Brian could hear his footsteps echoing down the street. The steps echoing like the ticking of a clock.
He'd told that to Justin the first night they met.
"Tick, tick, tick."
Life goes fucking on.
Brian knew they'd done the right thing.
Justin was thriving here artistically. He had support, he had inspiration, and he had everything it seemed he wanted.
Except Justin wanted him, too.
It hadn't seemed so hard at first. They both made the trip to and from Pittsburgh regularly.
And they talked every day.
But each time they were together it seemed they loved each other more.
And the more they loved each other, the harder it was to say goodbye.
The harder it became to say it's only for a little while, or "it's only time."
Time-Time was not their friend. It had never really been their friend. They have a night together that should have been a new beginning for the two of them and Justin gets bashed. He never remembers it. Never remembers the feelings so evident in Brian's eyes and touch that night. Time and timing. He and Justin getting closer at the same time Brian got cancer. Pushing him away to make sure Justin didn't leave him. Brian shook his head. It had made sense at the time. He sighed again. Asking Justin to move in just as he had gotten the invitation to do the art direction for the movie, Rage. Brian feeling time creeping up on him in the form of Brandon at the same time Justin was longing to be closer. Almost losing Justin to death again. Finally fully committing to him at the same time Justin got this chance to make it as an artist in NY. Time was never their friend.
Time was never a friend to lovers who had to part.
Justin was the one saying one more minute; one more second-but Brian was feeling that as well.
Only in his mind Brian was saying, "One more look, one more look."
Brian sometimes thought that having taking one more look was a way to stave off their inevitable parting.
The parting was always hard. Even if he told himself it was temporary. Although when Brian was feeling depressed (or drunk) he saw it as permanent, and inevitable.
One more look- just in case it was the last one he'd ever have of Justin.
When he got to his car, Brian put his head on his steering wheel and cried.
***
Justin stayed in bed, moving over to Brian's side of it. Holding onto the pillow, inhaling deeply. He kept things around the apartment that Brian had left-a shirt, a sweater, anything that Justin could hold and feel Brian there with him.
He sighed. He knew he shouldn't have said "One more minute, one more second." He hated sounding clingy and like he couldn't let go of Brian.
The truth was, though he could live his life without Brian if he had to- he really didn't want to.
Justin loved his life. He loved the city, loved the inspiration he felt living here. He loved experiencing the sights, sounds and smells of the city. He'd drink it all in, and feel satisfied and happy.
He had friends; he had support for his art, for his dreams.
But he didn't have Brian. Not the way he wanted to have him.
Justin sighed and got out of bed. It was useless to try and go back to sleep again. He made himself some coffee and looked out at the city, wondering where Brian was now.
He wished he could have had one more look.
**
Brian let himself in with his spare key.
Justin was staring out the window, looking desolate.
He was tapping on the table, rhythmic pounding that made Brian think again of the ticking clock. "Tick, tick, tick." "It's only time, it's only time, it's only time." When the hell did he get so blasé' about time? Brian knew better.
Time steals everything.
Justin looked up at that moment, sensing that Brian was in the apt. "Brian, what are you doing here? I thought you had to go."
"I-fuck, Justin, I don't know what I think anymore. Except, I don't think this is right for us.'
Justin looked at him warily. "What do you mean? What's not right for us?"
"You being here-me being in Pittsburgh. It doesn't feel right."
Justin looked away and went back to staring out the window. "You want to break up," he said without any inflection in his voice. "Fine, I understand. It's too much for you."
Brian felt anger well up within him. "That's NOT what I meant. And tell me, if it was would you really just let me go without a fight?"
"Why not?" Justin asked. "You did."
"I - I never did."
Justin laughed. He could think of at least a few occasions when Brian had let him go without a fight. But there was no point in rehashing those times now.
"Justin," Brian came over to him and took his face in his hands, forcing Justin to look at him."I don't want to let you go. I just- I don't want to go on like this. You think you're the only person saying 'one more minute, one more second 'when we leave each other? Well, you're not. I say the same thing every time. Every fucking time. I don't look back because I'm afraid if I do I'll never leave.
"All I really want? Is one more look at you."
Justin looked taken aback. He and Brian rarely discussed how being apart made them feel. They spent most of their time trying to convince the other they were "just fine", at the same time they were being ripped up from the inside.
Justin took Brian's hands off his face and kissed them. "I think the same thing. I say to myself, 'turn around. I need one more look at you."
Their foreheads touched and for a few moments they just stayed like that.
"So, what do you think we should do?" Justin finally asked.
"I think that we should be together. And I think that you should be here in NY. I think we should live here in NY part of the week and be in Pittsburgh part of the week. We could live in the house."
Justin smiled. "You want to live here with me?"
Brian looked around. It was a nice apartment, but really only suitable for one person. Especially when that person was an artist who was a bit on the messy side. He smiled. "Why don't you keep this for a studio and we can get something a little bigger for the two of us?"
Justin's response was a huge hug.
Brian closed his eyes and for just a moment it was the first night they met. Justin was open and brave that night, bold and innocent, courageous though a bit fearful.
The way he embraced the unknown was one thing that made Brian love Justin as much as he did.
Justin's breath was soft and warm in his ear. Brian kissed him, and again he was transported back to that first night.
Justin looked at Brian and he thought back to when they first met. "I'm going with him," he'd said, and since then he'd never really wanted anything else.
"Was that a yes?" Brian grinned.
"Yes, of course that was a yes!" They both smiled as they remembered the day Brian proposed. This time they both knew it was for real. This time there'd be no last minute separations. Nothing to get in the way.
There was never again going to be a reason for them to say to the other: "Just one more look."