And when it hurts he takes it out on you
Here I am again 'cause I've got nothing to do and after staying awake for another entire night I ended up writing this one shot. It's focused on SNSD's Sica and well... not happy at all. Once again, if there is any grammar mistake just yell at me and I'll come to fix it. :)) xx
You might not know me, but I know you all very well. I'm not a stalker nor a netizen or anything but I've been around for a while now and I know better. I've watched it all through those distant eyes and faked all those bright angelical smiles. Those notes that melt your ears? I was the one hitting them. The walls going down? I was there imploding them. I'm that tiny mess inside her mind that melts the Ice Princess and makes a way to let people in or get them out. And I can tell you first hand what slowly made her vanish away in front of your eyes as I damn know you want to discover her secret of perfection...
After the other four tried to, Seohyun finally got to wake Jessica up telling her to hurry up and get ready for the first appointment of the day.
The now blonde girl got up, rushing to the bathroom where the leader was waiting for her with a pack of clothes.
-”Please don't take too much to get dressed, Sica. We still have to get our make up done and meet with the manager oppa. You seriously should stop staying awake the entire night!”
-”Ok, unnie. Whatever.”
Staring at your reflection on the mirror has never been so hard. You used to be so full of life a rainbow would appear whenever you crossed a room. You used to turn heads, to drive men - and boys and girls and Heaven knows what else - crazy... but now? This poor girl can't barely smell a hot dog or drink a glass of water like normal kids enjoy so much to do so. Can't stop dancing, moving, burning. Why? Do you even ask why?!
Jessica touched her belly and I cringed. It couldn't be this hard to just rush and get dressed, noticing how tight that pair of skinny jeans still are. I lost a bit of control and she left a tear run down her huge cheek. For Christ's sake she can't even get her act together by her own.
She always thought her body was okay, even pretty. The thought of feeling fat has never crossed her mind - and I can assure you so, I control this place, dear - until that meeting after a rehearsal. My girl was wearing a short shorts and a tight H.O.T. t-shirt when she met Donghae. Of course there were dirty stares, I just wouldn't let her lose such an opportunity and it would have been great if he could keep those cute lips of him glued to each other. “Whoa, Sica, you've been looking different lately... have you put on some weigh? Your body looks fullier. But you're so prettier, really!” Prettier her fat ass, please...
Bet you're thinking about what your roomates will have for lunch today, aren't you? Kick those thoughts away from me, girl, they're too heavy and I can't stand their smell. You can't be that weak, aish. Cover this uglyness, I don't have to see it while having to endure feeling it every single second.
“Won't you eat anything before we leave, Sica? Today's gonna be tough!” “No, thanks. I'm really not hungry, unnie” Well done, baby... well done.
Hours passes, people poison themselves, food dances by her eyes. You might not be aware of what this girl has been through until now but baby's strong and she wouldn't give up so damn easily. Of course I would let her eat half of a water cracker to keep on dancing, I don't want our Ice Princess to starve. I just want her to fulfill her dreams and the biggest one lately is quite probably the hardest... but she's getting there, girl's gonna make it.
Everybody seems to believe they're so good in hiding their little conversations but she reads through their pity eyes and hesitant voices. She knows it all, how they seem to believe she's sick and getting uglier everyday, simply vanishing away. But she knows better, they're all full of envy. What a shame 'cause that's a really ugly feeling...
You can't barely think and all you want to do is sleep. After a few days you don't even feel hungry anymore. Of course baby's gotta chew sometimes Heaven knows if she loses her teeth or something like that but swallowing is just so, so wrong. You can't give up after walking for so long. Your goal is so near, Jessica, only a few more pounds and you'll be more perfect than Barbie has ever dreamed of.
“Sica, what's wrong with you? I haven't seen you eat for days already...”
“'Cause you're too oblivious and can't pay attention even to your best friend's routine, Tiffany. I've been eating so much lately that I'm like a stuffed huge cow walking around those corridors. Just shut the fuck up and try maybe paying a little more attention to the world outside yours and you'll see you're fucking tripping.”
She could feel life slipping away from her flesh along with all that fat. Jessica could feel the rest of her wellness being smashed in that tiny space between her skin and bones. If only they knew how much she envies her friends' voluptuous bodies and how people seem to stare at them with lust in their eyes when towards her there is only pity and awkwardness. No one can break through those walls made of crystal ice, specially one bringing tasty yet smelly food.
Counting calories and working out is only a hobby, you see. Starving herself is only to get rid of the boredom of the stardom life. But slowly it turns into a way of living, it crawls into your brain and you can't see a goddamn day rise without touching your belly fat and repeat that same old thought “I'm not hungry 'cause I'm not pretty. I can eat when I'm thin.”
People think it is so easy to look perfect but if only they knew how much it hurts. How much it weighs much more than a Big Mac hanging inside of your stomach.
But it all vanishes away when someone says how thin she is, specially when a netizen comments how beautiful she looks. The hunger seems to disappear for at least three days everytime she hears this kind of thing. But on the other hand, the hunger always comes to strike back and haunt her everytime someone says how much better she used to look.
You're really sad aren't you, girl? After all your effort someone comes and says you've never been so ugly. But don't believe the truth, Jessica, they all only want to be you.
But no, you have to let me down indeed. You have to go and drown yourself in a huge froasted cake or Ryeowook's yakisoba. You have to pretend you're thin enough to have dinner. But life ain't easy girl so go take it all out, I don't want to have to deal with it for hours straight. Go practice the choreography. And again. Don't you dare to stop until you see God.
But the flashes come and all the pain goes away. It hurts to be pretty but it's worth it anyway. Anything but being obese again. You, my dear reader, can hate her skin and bones, but that's what you all are underneath this huge layer of fat and shame. You might think she's sick or ugly now that she looks like a skeleton but the truth is - she's more real than you. She's a pure human being like you're supposed to be, pure skin and bones, no sin in between.
Avalanche is sullen and too thin
She starves herself to rid herself of sin
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin
But baby will be okay as long as she knows there is someone out there ready to take her as she is - issues, liveliness and ups and downs. She'll be okay as long as there is a new day coming and she can restart counting how much there is left to burn.
And she says: "hey baby, can you bleed like me?"
She's not the kind of girl who likes to tell the world about the way she feels about herself. She takes a little time in making up her mind. She doesn't want to fight agaisnt the tide.
She knows the human heart and how to read the stars. Now everything's about to fall apart...
Always the one who has to drag her down, maybe you'll get what you want this time around.
The trick is to keep breathing.