Saturday
It was just nice. H cleaned up the house because I think I pulled my back or something because its been bothering me here and there lately. Its no biggie and I can still work. Actually, its better at work because I am on my feet. For some reason sitting or laying down hurts. On my feet feels great. So, The house was clean and there were bouqets of flowers all over my room leftover from my Birthday. I have tons of candles because for some reason my mother loves to give them to me as gifts. I love them but talk about impersonal. She doesnt know me at all really and I guess candles are a safe bet on what women like. Well, I like anyway. So I have all these mulit colored voltive candles, and some stacked candles and all kinds of pretty scented ones. We had a lovely night in bed enjoying the ambiance and each other. K was at the beach with his grandmother so that was taken care of. It was so fantastic. I love candlelight because it seems to flatter everyone. So it was lovely. Sometimes you spend time "together" and its nice and all but its just routine. Your basics. When you take time out to make a little effort it so much nicer. Tho, I think if you do that a lot it loses some of the appeal. Either way, it was a very memorable night at home. Made me think that even at your house you can make good memories. If the mood is right and the feelings are there then its special. Just the fact that he took that time and made the little effort was more special to me that Valentines day or any other time. Hes planning something big. I can see it in his eyes. I dont know what it is and I dont know what it even concerns, but its there. Hmm...
I really get mushy lately thinking about him. I realize that maybe that scared feeling I had earlier is even stronger because before I was sorta scared that maybe he didnt love me as much as I thought and maybe he did love me but it would never be the same as with me and my ex. Well.. it isnt the same. No where near it. Its not stronger and its not better its just, different. And Im okay with that, but now I get mushy because I realize how much he does actually love me and thats even more scary that the not knowing. Because then you let yourself feel more and then you have more to lose. Sucks. Seriously sucks. So, Maybe I let go a little and maybe it was because I got pregnant that my feelings changed a little. I just know that I think of him and I feel this rush in my heart. I look in his eyes and I see this spark in his eyes that I now trust. Its the feelings he always had and I never really believed. People can sure fuck up their own lives huh? I guess I should be greatful that I saw it in time. I should be greatful that I dont lie to myself anymore. I know plenty of people who know what they have and continue to make it into something its just not. I was guilty of it. Now I get to be afraid of losing him. And this fear is so much bigger than the fear that we didnt have anything subsantial. /sigh why do things get this complicated? anyway, im happy in this moment and i will take that. if i get offered nothing else, i at least have the now.