[Minjung / Kibum] Halo
Rating: G
Genre: married au
Length: 6122
A/N: written for Shawol Christmas event hosted by squickz
There was no reason to doubt her but the way she stood shivering in her spot had Kibum worried.
“M-Minjung ssi…” he tried in what he hoped was a pacifying voice. “Minjung ssi, you're shaking.” He stood up from the bed and approached her, arms held out between them to hold her. “What's the matt-”
The gesture only facilitated her heightened fright. She squirmed farther away from him. “N-no, no, please!”
Kibum dropped his arms to his sides, dumbfounded silence ensuing within his throat. “OK, OK, I understand,” he recovered after a while and tried again, this time stepping backwards. When he'd retreated as far away from her as he could, he smiled. “I will not try anything against your wishes. I apologize for assuming like that. It was silly of me.” He chuckled sheepishly. And although he wasn't making such a big deal out of it, he knew there was a serious reason behind her volatile reaction. A woman doesn't try to run away from her husband like he is patient zero of a severe epidemic.
Especially not on their wedding night.
“Please,” he said in as careful a tone as he could muster. “Calm yourself. Ah, here, would you like some water?” He offered a full glass from the bedside table. Room service had been kind enough to supply them with everything close at hand. A bridal suite at a five-star hotel was no joke, after all.
She didn't move from her place at first. He blinked, trying to think of a way to ease her nerves. “Ah, no problem, shall I leave it on the dresser and you can take it yourself? Would you prefer it that way?” he spoke gently as he walked to the mirror and placed the drink on a coaster. “Please,” he motioned for her to take it much like a servant would the lady of the house. The thought was an odd one to have at such a time but he had it just the same.
“Calm yourself. Have some water, please.”
She moved with forced precaution. It was apparent she could bolt at any moment. One sudden action from Kibum and it would send her dashing for the door. So he slowly stepped away from her, all the way till his butt thumped into a table by the large bay window.
She drank like she'd been thirsty for days, her hanbok rustling from the action. But it clearly had a positive effect on her. She let out a loud satisfied sigh when the glass was empty. Her breathing was deeper now, and the panic had been washed off her face. “I'm sorry…” she apologized softly. “I was a bit strange just then, wasn't I?” she blushed and lowered her gaze to the carpet.
“A-ah…” Kibum scratched the back of his neck for a loss of words. He decided to lie for her sake. “No, no, you weren't uh… No, not at all. Please don't feel that way.”
Her face had a strange expression on it when their eyes met. “You are a very good man, Kibum ssi,” she complimented. “Thank you. For your kindness.”
He pursed his lips and crossed his arms, nodding to her. “I understand,” he replied. “And uhh. I also understand if you will be uncomfortable with me sleeping in this room tonight,” he tactfully added, then noticed her face redden again. He raised his hand up to clarify. “No, no, it is perfectly fine. No problem whatsoever. I'll just. I'll go to some backpackers for the night.”
“Kibum ssi, I'm so sorr-”
“Ah, what are you saying? It's nothing at all!”
He changed out of his fine clothes and packed his necessities in a duffel bag before he headed out. “Have a good night,” he bowed his head to her before leaving.
Minjung blinked, the guilt clear in her eyes. But she didn't speak of it. He'd predictably made things easier for her by announcing her request on his own. She didn’t have the sort of temperament that allowed her to say the words “get out” very easily. “Goodnight, Kibum ssi,” she replied meekly and shut the door with a soft click.
He let out a long, tired sigh at the sight of that shut door and wondered if it would remain permanently shut.
The search for a bed wasn't too long, it took him two streets away to a dingy establishment. He didn't mind the ambiance as long as he could get a clean set of sheets and a soft pillow for the night. They had a flight to catch the next morning, he'd hate to miss it. Switching his phone alarm on, he settled under his moldy-smelling blankets and closed his eyes.
But sleep never came. Throughout the night, he remained haunted by the look on his wife’s face when he put an arm around her shoulders and leaned in to kiss her cheek. She had been repulsed by it. Disgusted, frightened, shocked enough to nearly have a panic attack. She had acted like he'd tried forcing himself on her.
It made him feel dirty.
------
The sun was too irritating to his eyes. He slipped on his dark glasses and pretended he was blind for a day.
Minjung was at the reception checking out and filling a customer review form. Her dress was a pretty, floral thing. And when he'd helped her with her suitcase he'd caught a whiff of her scent. Cherry blossoms, he'd instantly thought at the time. How fitting. She looked like she hadn't had much luck with sleep herself but at least she wasn't in the haggard state he'd left her in last night.
He clenched his eyes shut to get the image out of his head. It didn't work.
“Kibum ssi,” her voice pulled him from his thoughts. “They've called us a taxi. Shall we go?”
He smiled as brightly as he could. “Of course!” he chirped at her. “Let's go~”
The new airport was not too far away from where they'd been staying. The ride was short, and the silence between them was comfortable enough that Kibum could steal a few glances at her and not get noticed. The way the sun caught on her hair, the way it glimmered in the curve of her neck, the way her eyes seemed to dart around and take in whole scenes at a time… She was beautiful. But something in her was delicate and he'd have to be careful not to break it by accident. This much he understood.
Any man with a healthy ego would've asked for a confrontation. Why won't you sleep with me? Are you not happy with this marriage? Do you think I won't be a good husband? Any man who'd been blown off in such a fraught manner would press for answers.
“Minjung ssi,” Kibum opened his mouth with these thoughts in his mind. She turned to look at him, her lovely brown eyes searching his face for the rest of his question. “Are you hungry?” he smiled. When she smiled back at him he caught a flash of her teeth behind her soft pink lips.
Once their baggage was checked in they found a small café near the departure gates and ordered something to eat.
“… and one extra bowl of rice please,” she said to the waitress who politely smiled and left a copy of their order in a tray hanging off their table. Minjung looked around and above them, her fingers rapping on the formica of their table top. “Does Kibum ssi design places like this?” she asked pointing to the steel lattice of the roof structure.
He chortled. “No, no, I'm not clever enough to do that sort of stuff. Just small residential projects,” he nodded. She hummed with a thoughtful pout. Honestly her demeanor had changed so drastically overnight that he was starting to wonder if it had all been a dream; if he'd imagined her twisting out of his hold and leaping away from him.
He stretched his neck out in exhaustion, a pressing inquiry forming on his tongue and then promptly dying when the food arrived.
Minjung looked soft, delicate, graceful. But her eating habits were far from it. He watched in disbelief as she wolfed everything down and then gobbled the seconds, too. Kibum had only gone through half his own plate of pasta when she covered her mouth and burped quietly. When she saw him watching she turned a beet red color and then it was too hard for him to contain his laughter.
“You're a fast eater, then,” he observed, then snorted.
“D-don't make fun of me,” she pouted again. He was suddenly overcome with affection for her, leaning his elbow on the table to admire her but bursting into helpless chuckles once more. “Ah! Why are you like this? It's not even that funny!” she protested. “I hadn't had anything since the ceremony yester-” she stopped mid-sentence as if choked.
Kibum’s laughter died down as well. He cleared his throat. “Ah, look at the time,” he mumbled to break the awkwardness, quickly shoveling the rest of his meal into his mouth and chewing hard before he abruptly jumped up and put his coat back on. “We should go, I think.”
She stood with her eyes fixed on her empty plate. “I'm sorr--”
He whipped around and left before she could finish. She shouldn't need to apologize. That would be cheap. That would be cruel on his part. She'd been the one distressed at what happened. Getting an apology from her would've made him feel more like a perpetrator than he already did.
Minjung remained silent till they reached their gate. She kept quiet as they boarded their flight. She started blankly at the seat in front of her while the attendants went through their safety instruction drill. She was silent when they took off and she was silent when they were cruising at three thousand feet above sea level.
Kibum worried that he'd thoughtlessly bludgeoned the little conviviality that had formed between them in the last few hours. He studied her as she looked down at the sea and thought of how to make her smile. “Minjung ssi,” he spoke lowly so as not to startle her. She turned to him, but there was a reluctance in her action. “Would you like to play a game?” he asked, producing a pen and some tissues from his coat pocket.
“What sort of game?” she mumbled, and he nearly didn't catch it below the sound of the engines and rotors.
“Tic tac toe?” he suggested. “I warn you though, I'm unbeatable at it.”
She caught his playful vane and absorbed it instantly, grinning back at him. “We'll see about that~” she challenged.
He didn't even have to let her win. She took every game.
------
The temperature was cold when they landed, and the sky was much darker. They’d crossed over to the other hemisphere, but it seemed like they'd crossed over to another planet. The air was crisp, full of the scent of wet trees. Ground staff signaled for them to walk along a designated path. They walked side-by-side, keeping close together in this strange country.
Somewhere in the distance, the agitated bleating of sheep was heard. Kibum looked at an equally surprised Minjung beside him and they giggled together.
Indoors, it was much warmer. “International passport holders this way please!” a lady motioned them to a long immigration queue. Everywhere they looked, signs shouted out a Kia Ora! Welcome to Aotearoa!
“This is going to be a while…” Kibum mumbled under his breath.
“We can play another game to pass the time, then?” Minjung said with a lift of her eyebrows.
He studied her a moment and then smiled. “Un,” he nodded.
They exchanged riddles and told jokes to each other. Their laughter was muffled at first but grew loud as the minutes passed. People threw them curious looks and smiles and usually Kibum would've minded that sort of thing. But right then, it wasn't important. What was important was he was with his wife, she looked happy, and they were on their honeymoon.
As they waited for their baggage she subtly nudged him. “Kibum ssi is really good at English,” she complimented, but it looked like she was teasing. “What were you saying to the officer at the counter? She looked really happy to meet you…” It was a tongue-in-cheek remark, he could tell. But he wasn't one to back down from jibing.
“Oh, you know,” he leaned over the handle of their trolley. “How my wife beat me at fifteen games of tic tac toe in a row, and how lucky I am to have married someone so beautiful and intelligent as her.” He looked up to find a blushing Minjung. “The usual~” he joked.
She stared at her shoes. “I'm not as beautiful as you think I am.”
Kibum frowned at the statement but said nothing in response. He quickly loaded their bags onto the trolley and rolled them out to the taxi stands where they hailed a cab and were quickly shuttled off to their resort.
When they entered their apartment and switched on the lights Minjung let out a sound. “Oh…” She turned to him in question. “This is too big a place for just the both of us.” She walked around the kitchen island and patted its marble top with her right hand. The wedding ring made a strange pattering sound against it. “I won't lie, I like it but-”
“I called and asked for a double room for us,” he answered without looking at her. “I'd… I'd like you to be comfortable on this trip, Minjung ssi. I'd like for you to enjoy yourself, so please.” He smiled at her. “Be at ease and let me know if you'd like anything else.” He started to walk to the other room when she stopped him.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Her gaze was focused to a point on the countertop but the lighting could not hide the tear that was about to spill down her cheek. “Why… Why are you such a good man, Kibum ssi?”
He sighed. “Because we're on our holiday!” he threw his arm up in the air and did a silly jig with flappy arms and wiggling butt. She scoffed and shook her head at him. “We've had a long flight. Please get the some rest,” he bid her goodnight and retreated to his assigned room where he wasted no time in falling face-first onto a nearby mattress. He had tried very hard all through the travel not to ask her demeaning or attacking questions. He made it a point not to blurt insensitive things that would make her uncomfortable. But it was always on the front of his mind, and that fatigued him. And if it was this exhausting for him, he wondered how bad it must've been for Minjung.
He heard her unpack and use the washroom before she called out a goodnight, Kibum ssi and then the light switch was flicked off on the other side of the wall. He responded softly, voice muffled in his blankets.
Their parents were good friends from a club for retired couples. They'd introduced Minjung and Kibum one day and they'd gotten along just fine. Minjung was a lovely person, and extremely friendly right off the bat. She was sweet and polite, and on the few occasions they'd been out on dates, she'd made an excellent conversation partner. They could talk about everything ranging from the latest drama starring Song Joongki to politics to feminism and Minjung had something to say about everything. She was well-read, intelligent, and very dedicated to her job. Their interactions were so easy to slip into that when their parents asked if the relationship could advance into marriage, they'd been ready to sit down and seriously consider the option.
She'd seemed completely relaxed at the time, and yet her behavior on their wedding night said something else. Clearly it was something she didn't trust him with at time… and still didn't. In all honesty, he was impatient to breach the subject with her but he also knew that it wouldn't be in his place to rush her.
But he could say one thing for certain-Minjung wanted this relationship to work, or she would've refused to the marriage right at the start. From her disposition, she seemed genuinely interested in testing whether things could work out between them. And that was all the encouragement he needed to try harder.
------
They decided to go tramping through nearby hills the next morning.
Kibum had woken up and stumbled out to brush his teeth when Minjung appeared in the mirror, standing outside the bathroom door. “Did you sleep well?” she’d asked with a cordial smile. He hadn’t. Because she was always in his dreams, her terror was seeped in the depths of his nightmares. He’d tossed and turned hoping it was just sleeping in a new bed that made it so difficult. But her twisted face, her frightened mannerisms, her severe anguish were branded on his eyelids. When he shut his eyes, the sight in the darkness made him feel like an abhorrent, ugly person.
He smiled back with a mouth full of toothpaste foam. “Mm!” he nodded. “And you?”
She scrunched her nose in mocking disgust. It was a cute expression on her. “We’ll talk when you’re out.”
And they did talk. As he’d expected, talking was easy. Even when the terrain was difficult and winds whipped through the trees, threatening to fling them off the rockface and straight into the sea. All they had to do was avoid that one uncomfortable subject, and they were alright. They held hands once or twice, to help each other out on particularly steep climbs. They laughed at each other’s sporadic jokes when they had breath to spare in their lungs. Even as the huffed and wheezed through their trek, being together made it oddly restful-carefree. Minjung told a million stories from her high school days. And Kibum could laugh to them without a care in the world. She was fascinating. Her anecdotes were hilarious. And the way her hands gestured wildly as she spoke was too adorable to not like. He listened through her speech. And when they sat down on a large rock for a break, he listened to her silences too.
Leaves rustled overhead, sieving light through a millions of gaps between the foliage. Birds took flight and sang songs and fed their chicks all around them. The pace was alive and yet peaceful at the same time. She breathed deeply, her eyes closed in a meditative calm.
“What’re you thinking about?” Kibum whispered to her. He noticed there were leaves stuck in her hair, and he wanted very badly to reach up and pull them out but he thought better of it.
“Hmm?” he prompted when she didn’t answer or a while.
“I was thinking…” she began after several moments. “To live in a place like this… It wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
“Shall we do that?” he asked, a little too eagerly. As if he would really build her a house on this hill just so he could please her.
She turned to him with surprised eyes, and then giggled. “Kibum ssi is funny.”
He pouted for show. “What. I think it’s a good idea…” she cooed at his response. “Besides,” he continued brightly. “Property rates are quite low here, you know. I could even design the place. And imagine how much fun our kinds will have if we raise them here-” he bit his tongue.
But she didn’t react to his words, simply turned to look away. “Should we keep going?” she asked.
Before he could answer, she jumped up and began to jog uphill. He sighed at her disappearing figure. He needed something they could share and understand, he needed common ground they could speak on besides silly tales and witticisms. Because they were no better than lonely murmurs spoken in the dark to no one but the walls.
The trees whispered and gossiped at the two of them. The road wound Minjung out of his sight. Kibum sighed, and the wind sighed with him. He hefted his backpack and ran after her to keep up.
------
A shower and a few hours later they were seated in a restaurant, squinting at a list of unpronounceable and cosmically expensive dishes. They were out-of-place in this establishment, and several stares made that fact abundantly clear to them. Minjung squirmed restlessly, too conscious of being underdressed. It’s only lunch, she’d reasoned as they’d happily walked out of their resort and into the streets in search of food. Perhaps she felt guilty for saying it now, and that made Kibum feel bad.
“Hey, why don’t we ditch this place huh?” he suggested, and started to leave.
She nodded dismally and followed him.
He was painfully aware of her flattening mood. “Hey, hey,” he perkily started. “Why don’t we cook something back at the room? Hmm? There’s a supermarket around the corner, I remember from our walk in the morning.”
“B-but…” Minjung hesitated, shaking her head. “I don’t… I can’t cook.”
Kibum flashed her the most comically smug look he could manage. “Fear not, my lady,” he spoke in formal and old Korean. “Your humble servant shall serve you the finest meal of your life this day.” He bowed with exaggerated movements while she made sounds of awe and clapped her hands.
By the time they’d made it back into the kitchen and the pan was sizzling, both their stomachs were grumbling like tiny earthquakes. They distracted themselves with music and idle talk but the sooner the food were served the better. Kibum deliberately rushed his movements and when the dish was done he announced it so loudly his voice squeaked in the middle. Minjung laughed at that and stared at her plate as he served her a large helping of the pasta he’d made.
“Oh, this is no joke…” she complimented.
“Mm hmm, mm hmm,” he nodded. “Please, please, there’s plenty, so eat up.”
Minjung gorged herself on the dish, shoveling it into her mouth regardless of the sauce dripping down her chin. Kibum snorted and extended a hand to wipe the place with a tissue. He’d been nervous at first to do something like that. But when she swatted him away and raised a warning finger as if she needed no disturbance during this ritual, he laughed and returned to his own plate. With one more glance in her direction he shook his head.
“You’re full of surprises, Minjung ssi.”
She gave no reply until at the end of her second helping, when she slumped back in her chair and gave a long satisfied groan. “You’re a really good cook,” she approved, patting her full stomach.
“I’m glad you liked-” his acknowledgement was cut short when she burped loudly. She covered her mouth in blushing alarm but Kibum nearly fell off his seat.
------
“So…” Kibum spoke from the floor where he lay on his stomach. A map of the town lay open in front of him. “What should we do for our last day here?” he asked.
Minjung sat up on her bed, brushing her hair. “Hmm…” she hummed. “I’ve been thinking about that,” she said. He leaned on an elbow and studied her. They were both tanner now, after six whole days of climbing, diving and walking around in the sun. The weather had grown warmer than when they’d first arrived, and so had her temperament. She seemed to have eased into sitting beside him while their knees bumped. She could now stand in queue behind him with a hand on his shoulder, or walking next to him without worrying about their knuckles bumping.
The lights were dim. Her head obscured the night lamp on her bedside table. It cast a strange effect around her hair, almost like a halo. The outer edges of her face glowed golden. It made her look softer, lovelier than usual. She noticed him staring at her. He smiled a silly smile. “You look very pretty in this light.”
She blushed, but said nothing in return. Her hair brush continued sweeping through her curls.
“Minjung ssi,” Kibum continued. “May I ask you something?”
He noticed her pause her movements. Her frame stiffened. “S-Sure,” she said despite the effect. “Go ahead…”
“Why did you agree to marry me?”
Minjung relaxed immediately, sitting cross-legged on the mattress and smiling back at him. “That’s a funny question. Why would you ask that now of all times?”
Kibum shrugged indifferently. “Not many people opt for an arranged marriage these days. It’s old-fashioned. Why’d you say yes?”
She sighed, drawing shapes on her blanket with a finger. “Because you are a good person, Kibum ssi,” she replied. “You are a good man. You respect me, you are kind and sweet. You are a gentleman. You are intelligent, and filial, and polite. And I know you’ll protect a relationship, you will work hard at keeping it alive,” she blinked at her hand. “You’re dependable and you lead a respectable life. And,” she giggled. “You are a really good cook. You can make me laugh. You are… you’re a very good husband. You are very good to me,” she nodded as if reassuringly.
He frowned at her. “Surely I’m not the only man on this planet who does all those things…” he reasoned. “Why did you choose me?”
“Maybe…” she answered. “Maybe I wasn’t supposed to choose. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have dated before,” Kibum braced himself a little at that. “But maybe it was chosen for me, for my own good.And I don’t mean by my parents. I mean…”
“Fate?” he raised his eyebrows in astonishment. “You believe in fate, then?”
“In a way.”
“I’m a little surprised, I won’t lie,” he admitted, sitting up to look at her more clearly. The halo behind her shifted but burned just as bright. “I never took you for a fatalistic person. It’s just… to me it’s a little like story books. The whole idea that if something has to happen, it will happen makes us sound so...”
“Powerless?” she added, and something the way she looked as she said it broke the edges of heart. He wanted to climb up to the bed and hold her. He wanted to rock her in his arms, hush her to sleep. He wanted badly to be of some use to her.
Instead, he fell to his back and stared at the ceiling. She went out of his gaze but the sound of her hair brush returned to his ears. He shut his eyes and breathed in and out, welcoming sleep if it came to him now, before she asked him to go to bed.
“Kibum ssi,” she said after a long while. He hummed back to acknowledge her. “Should we go sky diving tomorrow?”
“Ah,” Kibum bit his lip.
------
He wished he were locked to his seat so no one could ask him to get up when it was his turn. Across from him, Minjung sat calmly in her goggles and safety jacket. When he caught her glance she grinned and gave him a double thumbs up. He returned the gesture with whatever energy he could muster. His palms were slippery with sweat, his stomach was jumping around and his chest was raw with fear. He gulped air in to settle the lump in his throat. If he could just open his mouth and explain to the others that this was going to be impossible for him-
“You ready, mate?” his guide yelled at him over the engines of the plane. He shook his head. Minjung laughed.
“Just let go, Kibum ssi!” she shouted to him. “Just let yourself go. Everything will be fine! You won’t be alone! And you get a parachute!”
He feebly smiled to concede, but wasn’t ready for this. He wasn’t prepared to go through this, not now and not ever.
“OK, time to go!” the guide motioned him to get up and check all the safety buckles. He then roughly turned Kibum around and attached they buckles together. He was then marched over to the door of the plane, which the second guide wrenched open and let a tornado enter the space. Kibum shook his head, he tried stepping back and cowering away but he was frozen in his place with nowhere to go. There was no escape. He sobbed and blinked his tears out behind his goggles and-
“Kibum ssi!” Minjung called to him from nowhere. “I’ll see you again! I promise I’ll see you again!”
Before he could open his mouth to reply to her the air slammed into him and then there was nothing but ground rushing up to meet him.
He screamed, he yelled, he thrashed helplessly and his guide yelled for him to stop. “Sir, please stop or I’ll have to restrain you!” He couldn’t make sense of anything by then, his mind was well gone in terror. Wind rippled the skin of his face back, pulling at him and pressing him into a flat. He screeched, he cried, and then ground his teeth as if in pain. Physical pain that coursed through his muscles, straight into his bones. Like the air was wringing him out and shredding him to bits. He knew he was with a professional, he knew he was in no danger whatsoever and yet his rationality meant nothing when things on the ground were growing larger and larger with every second that he fell.
When the chute fluttered open above him, he was yanked back so hard he fainted from the impact.
------
His eyes opened to the sight of Minjung’s teary face.
“K-Kibum ssi…!” she leapt. He felt something squeeze hi palm and it was only a few moments later that the warmth of her hand registered in his senses. “Kibum ssi, are you alright?” she fussed. “Are you hurt? I landed and looked for you but you weren’t there I thought-Kibum ssi!” she wept.
He groaned. “Sorry to worry you,” he managed. “I’m just a little afraid of heights…”
“Why didn’t you tell me?!” she demanded. “Why… why didn’t you say something?!”
“What’s marriage without a few secrets, eh?” he joked.
She stared at him meaningfully but never left his side.
He felt bad about it, later. And when he got up after a short rest he avoided her eyes in shame. She’d been nothing but accommodating with him, never grumbling once and always overlooking his mistakes. She’d been patient, and she’d cared for him; cared for what became of him. She’d stayed by him through a whole week without one word of complaint and now he’d finally come to see what it was that she’d been afraid of that first night they’d been together.
He stood before her and bowed ninety degrees. “I’m sorry,” he apologized. “For everything.”
He didn’t hear her say anything but he felt her fingers on the back of his head, gently caressing his scalp. “Let’s go home, Kibum ssi,” she forgave with a smile in her voice.
------
That night they ate in silence. But a million words were exchanged over the table.
The music was a jazz rendition of something famous. The wine was excellent as it slipped down his throat. The flame of a candle fluttered, and he played with it a little by running his fingers close to the wick. Minjung stopped him once or twice but when it was clear to her that he was too drunk to listen, she gave up.
“This was a great week, Minjung ssi,” Kibum drawled. “Thank you for spending it with me.”
“Thank you, too,” she responded. “I’ll be taking back a lot of memories with me.”
“Mm,” he smiled. “That’s good to know…” he swayed in his place. “Good to know.” He looked over at her. He hair was done up, and her dress brought out her collarbones. Her eyes were like orbs and her lips were cherry red. She often fumbled with her phone to look at the time and her fingers were long, like a magician’s. She was a sight to behold. “You are too beautiful for me,” he complimented with a laugh. “Girls like you never choose men like me. Never…”
She said nothing to that. “Why are you with a loser like me, Minjung ssi? Why aren’t you with someone you can love? Someone who doesn’t scare you away. Hmm?” he prompted. “Why don’t you leave me? It’s not too late yet, I’ll let you go if you want to.”
“Kibum ssi please,” she pleaded. He frowned at her sitting there, shifting with unease at his behavior. And it pricked him.
“See?” he continued. “I’m terrible for you. Terrible choice,” he waved his hand between them. “You should leave me and go. Just-leave me and go. Leave right now and-”
“And what?” she snapped at him, hissing. “And what should I do? Pack my bags and take off? You think it’s so simple to break a relationship?” she clicked her finger for emphasis. “You think it’s like the switch of a button? That you click it on and off as you please?” She took a deep breath and seemed to calm her down. “Kibum ssi, please let’s just go home. We have a flight to catch tomorrow.”
“No, no, please…” he scoffed. “Continue.”
She visibly grit her jaw. “If you’re going to be like this I will walk away from this table without you.”
“I thought you said you can’t leave me,” he provoked.
Her face grew helpless. She took a deep breath and looked around as if for help. But then she turned to him again. “Yeah, I can’t,” she nodded. “I can’t leave you because I have no reason to. Don’t you see, Kibum ssi?” she leaned over between them. “I am happy with you. I want to be with you. And from the things you do for me…” she nodded. “I know you feel the same way.”
“Then what was that the other night?” he finally let the question out, and not in a way he had hoped to ask her. His words sounded venomous. He wanted to blame the alcohol but this was all his doing, all his fault.
She smiled, feeble and vulnerable. “What’s a marriage without a few secrets, eh?”
He stared at her for a long time. And then he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, I’ll be right back,” he excused himself to the restroom.
When Kibum thought about it as he splashed his face with water, he was convinced that he could love her. Because despite the differences between them, despite the worries and obvious discomforts, it still did not hurt to be by her side. And that’s what he’d been most afraid of-that her worries and her problems would be rooted in him. That he would be the cause of her misery and that this marriage would soon become a long stretch of compromises. But he knew now that the reasons didn’t matter anymore, he could truly grow love for her.
And an older, stronger, more intelligent version of him had probably loved her before they even met. Maybe he had loved her through numberless lifetimes, in numberless bodies. And maybe they had lived through their story with each other. That familiarity, that comfort… maybe it meant that he had been made to love her forever. Perhaps the song she hummed in the shower was something they’d once sung to each other, in a different existence. He wasn’t as big a fan of romance movies as her and he didn’t know any famous quotes on love but he knew that a feeling like love… a thing like that cannot be created or destroyed, he knew it. It is a form of energy, in that sense. An eternal resource. A universal mineral.
He dried his face off and looked at himself in the mirror one last time. The water had sobered him up by a degree; the thinking had done the rest. He stared cursorily at his feet before moving them back to where she was waiting for him.
“Minjung ssi,” he offered her a hand. “Let me take you home,” he said.
She looked up at him for a moment, and then gave him her brightest smile. “Let me follow you home,” she said, taking his hand.