i'm falling all the way in
I saw that ten songs meme but I am apparently incapable of writing unrelated drabbles; I ended up with ten snippets in the same storyline. Go figure! Post-split Ryan/Spencer (+Brendon), ~1300 words, rated R.
Warnings: Substance abuse, rough almost-sex? I'm... not really sure how to warn for the latter. /o\
i'm falling all the way in
you are a runner and i am my father's son
i'll build a house inside of you / i'll go in through the mouth
"Now what?" Spencer asks.
Ryan pulls back, but doesn't let go, his fingers digging into Spencer's arms hard enough to bruise. (At least, Spencer hopes they'll bruise, wants to wake up tomorrow and know that there's still something of Ryan left.) "You know what," Ryan says.
"Yeah," he says, sighing.
Ryan doesn't kiss him goodbye. Ryan leaves, and Spencer's been waiting for this since Africa, but it still doesn't feel real.
villain
and you kiss me like you know inside of me
"I thought we were done," Spencer says, the words barely intelligible against Ryan's lips.
"Fuck that," Ryan says. "C'mon, Spence, come on."
"Yeah," Spencer whispers, pushing Ryan back. Ryan flips their positions, the blades of Spencer's shoulders connecting sharply with the wall; the breath Spencer lets out is lost into Ryan's mouth, sharp exhalation sliding into his lungs.
black black heart
i'm on fire / i'm rotting to the core
His body's screaming electric, his fingers twisting in Ryan's hair as Ryan bites down on his collarbone, rolling his hips at the same time. Spencer arches up from beneath him, his fingers flexing and getting stuck in the tangles of Ryan's hair. "Now," he says. "Jesus, Ryan, now, are you trying to kill me?"
Ryan grins at him; even now, blurry-eyed and frantic, Spencer can see that it doesn't reach his eyes. "Spence," he says. "Slow down. We've got time."
And if that isn't a lie, Spencer doesn't know what is.
the scientist
nobody said it was easy / it's such a shame for us to part
"I talked to Jon today," Brendon says.
Spencer's not really paying attention, trying to unlock another achievement in the game he's playing. "And?"
"And I talked to Jon today, dude. That's kind of big news."
He pauses the game, tossing the X-Box controller aside. "You hadn't talked to him at all?"
Brendon shakes his head. "Not since we got back to the States. You?"
"Twice, I think." He knows it was twice, actually; once to check in with Jon, once when Ryan wouldn't return Spencer's texts, and he wasn't sure if it was passive-aggressive fighting or something he needed to actually worry about.
"How about Ryan?"
Spencer shrugs, doesn't answer. Brendon studies him before nodding as if Spencer's spoken.
tiffany blews
you're a faded moon / stuck on a little hot mess
Spencer knows from Ryan's too-loud tone that he's wasted, from the way he repeats himself for emphasis, from the way words spill out of him without metaphors or irony or fucking onomatopoeia, whatever English major bullshit Ryan never managed to work out of his system in his lone semester of college. He's more honest this way, a little brutal, and Spencer can take the truth. He just wishes Ryan could tell it sober, could phone him without needing something in his system first.
"I need you, Spence," Ryan says. Spencer stays silent, and Ryan curses. "I wish I didn't," he says.
"Yeah," Spencer says. "Yeah, me too."
"Can you, come on, come over, Spence, you're never here and I want you all the fucking time."
"Fuck you," Spencer says, hitting the button to end the call. He eyes the clock. It's past five in the morning. If he hurries, he can make it to Ryan's before the sun comes up.
nobody's baby now
but there are some things love won't allow
"No," Brendon says. It's the the third night in a row that Spencer's been woken up in the middle of the night by Ryan. This time, though, Brendon's still up when Spencer goes to leave. "You can't fucking keep going to him whenever he wants you to."
Spencer's hands curve themselves into fists without him even thinking about it. "He needs me," he says; it's weak even to his ears.
"And you need him," Brendon counters. "So let him come to you for once. You want to fix him, fine, but you don't need to break yourself to do it."
"He's fucked up," Spencer says, but the fight's already gone out of him, if it was even there to begin with. They're all fucked up.
Brendon leans in, presses a hand against his cheek, kisses his temple. "Go back to bed, Spencer," he says, and Spencer does. He doesn't expect to fall asleep, but he drifts off right away, slipping into uneasy dreams that he forgets when he wakes again near dawn.
the waltz
well i'll be your savior / if you'll do me that favor
"When are you in L.A. again?" Ryan asks.
"Not for another month," Spencer says. Ryan makes a hmmm sound, soft and nearly inaudible. "Where are you now?"
"Kansas. I don't know, I think it's Kansas. It looks like Kansas. When do you hit Chicago?"
"The 27th."
"We're not there for a week after that," Ryan says. Spencer knows. Spencer's already compared their tour dates, not that he'd admit to that. "I think we've got a day off then, though."
"Yeah?"
"I could fly up," he offers, and Spencer finds himself smiling.
keep the mood
all i want is here tonight
Spencer's got Ryan under him, wrists pinned against the mattress. "Spencer," he says, his voice raw. "This isn't fair."
"Nope," Spencer agrees, grinning against the side of Ryan's neck. He scrapes his teeth against Ryan's pulse, just lightly, and Ryan's hips cant up against his. "No," he tells him. "You said you wanted me to make the rules tonight, remember?"
"Yeah, I fucking remember," Ryan says. "Since when do you play by my rules?"
"Since you actually started making good ones," he says, and Ryan's laugh, when it comes, is a little breathless.
"Spencer, please," he says, and that's what Spencer's been waiting to hear.
love is paranoid
i left the lights on so you stumble in devotion
Spencer wakes to the bed dipping beside him, to fingers trailing along his neck. "Brendon let you in?" he asks.
"Yeah," Ryan says. His hand leaves Spencer's skin, and Spencer hears the muted sounds of clothing (so many layers, always with the fucking layers) being unbuttoned, unbuckled, tossed aside before the covers are lifting and Ryan's sliding in behind him, stretching out against his back.
His hand settles on Spencer's hip, not moving any further. "You want...?" Spencer asks, leaving it open.
"No," Ryan says. "No, go back to sleep," he says, voice low in Spencer's ear.
little amsterdam
round and around and around i go / round and around this time for keeps
Ryan's not there when he wakes up, and there's something flaring up in his chest that he can't quite name, something that burns through quickly and leaves him feeling a little hollow.
He hears laughter when he's on his way to the bathroom, though, and when he eventually heads into the kitchen, he sees Ryan and Brendon sitting together, each of them clutching a cup of coffee, and they're smiling about something, Brendon ducking his head as he laughs. The hollow feeling dissipates, but there's still that burning there between his ribs, saying yes and mine and ours and always.
He sits down between them, leaning against Brendon's shoulder and stealing Ryan's coffee, ignoring the half-hearted squawk it earns him. "Poor Spence," Brendon says, ruffling his hair. "Rough night?"
"No," Spencer says. Brendon's hand stills but he doesn't pull back, his thumb brushing Spencer's ear, making him shiver. Ryan's leg is pressed against his, and the coffee is strong and hot and sweet, and it's the first time in months he hasn't wanted to go back to bed as soon as he got up. "No," he says again. "It was just a good one."
*
song list
1. wolf parade - you are a runner and i am my father's son
2. hedley - villain
3. david usher - black black heart
4. natasha bedingfield - the scientist
5. fall out boy - tiffany blews
6. nick cave and the bad seeds - nobody's baby now
7. the frames - the waltz
8. empires - keep the mood
9. the distillers - love is paranoid
10. tori amos - little amsterdam
Warnings: Substance abuse, rough almost-sex? I'm... not really sure how to warn for the latter. /o\
i'm falling all the way in
you are a runner and i am my father's son
i'll build a house inside of you / i'll go in through the mouth
"Now what?" Spencer asks.
Ryan pulls back, but doesn't let go, his fingers digging into Spencer's arms hard enough to bruise. (At least, Spencer hopes they'll bruise, wants to wake up tomorrow and know that there's still something of Ryan left.) "You know what," Ryan says.
"Yeah," he says, sighing.
Ryan doesn't kiss him goodbye. Ryan leaves, and Spencer's been waiting for this since Africa, but it still doesn't feel real.
villain
and you kiss me like you know inside of me
"I thought we were done," Spencer says, the words barely intelligible against Ryan's lips.
"Fuck that," Ryan says. "C'mon, Spence, come on."
"Yeah," Spencer whispers, pushing Ryan back. Ryan flips their positions, the blades of Spencer's shoulders connecting sharply with the wall; the breath Spencer lets out is lost into Ryan's mouth, sharp exhalation sliding into his lungs.
black black heart
i'm on fire / i'm rotting to the core
His body's screaming electric, his fingers twisting in Ryan's hair as Ryan bites down on his collarbone, rolling his hips at the same time. Spencer arches up from beneath him, his fingers flexing and getting stuck in the tangles of Ryan's hair. "Now," he says. "Jesus, Ryan, now, are you trying to kill me?"
Ryan grins at him; even now, blurry-eyed and frantic, Spencer can see that it doesn't reach his eyes. "Spence," he says. "Slow down. We've got time."
And if that isn't a lie, Spencer doesn't know what is.
the scientist
nobody said it was easy / it's such a shame for us to part
"I talked to Jon today," Brendon says.
Spencer's not really paying attention, trying to unlock another achievement in the game he's playing. "And?"
"And I talked to Jon today, dude. That's kind of big news."
He pauses the game, tossing the X-Box controller aside. "You hadn't talked to him at all?"
Brendon shakes his head. "Not since we got back to the States. You?"
"Twice, I think." He knows it was twice, actually; once to check in with Jon, once when Ryan wouldn't return Spencer's texts, and he wasn't sure if it was passive-aggressive fighting or something he needed to actually worry about.
"How about Ryan?"
Spencer shrugs, doesn't answer. Brendon studies him before nodding as if Spencer's spoken.
tiffany blews
you're a faded moon / stuck on a little hot mess
Spencer knows from Ryan's too-loud tone that he's wasted, from the way he repeats himself for emphasis, from the way words spill out of him without metaphors or irony or fucking onomatopoeia, whatever English major bullshit Ryan never managed to work out of his system in his lone semester of college. He's more honest this way, a little brutal, and Spencer can take the truth. He just wishes Ryan could tell it sober, could phone him without needing something in his system first.
"I need you, Spence," Ryan says. Spencer stays silent, and Ryan curses. "I wish I didn't," he says.
"Yeah," Spencer says. "Yeah, me too."
"Can you, come on, come over, Spence, you're never here and I want you all the fucking time."
"Fuck you," Spencer says, hitting the button to end the call. He eyes the clock. It's past five in the morning. If he hurries, he can make it to Ryan's before the sun comes up.
nobody's baby now
but there are some things love won't allow
"No," Brendon says. It's the the third night in a row that Spencer's been woken up in the middle of the night by Ryan. This time, though, Brendon's still up when Spencer goes to leave. "You can't fucking keep going to him whenever he wants you to."
Spencer's hands curve themselves into fists without him even thinking about it. "He needs me," he says; it's weak even to his ears.
"And you need him," Brendon counters. "So let him come to you for once. You want to fix him, fine, but you don't need to break yourself to do it."
"He's fucked up," Spencer says, but the fight's already gone out of him, if it was even there to begin with. They're all fucked up.
Brendon leans in, presses a hand against his cheek, kisses his temple. "Go back to bed, Spencer," he says, and Spencer does. He doesn't expect to fall asleep, but he drifts off right away, slipping into uneasy dreams that he forgets when he wakes again near dawn.
the waltz
well i'll be your savior / if you'll do me that favor
"When are you in L.A. again?" Ryan asks.
"Not for another month," Spencer says. Ryan makes a hmmm sound, soft and nearly inaudible. "Where are you now?"
"Kansas. I don't know, I think it's Kansas. It looks like Kansas. When do you hit Chicago?"
"The 27th."
"We're not there for a week after that," Ryan says. Spencer knows. Spencer's already compared their tour dates, not that he'd admit to that. "I think we've got a day off then, though."
"Yeah?"
"I could fly up," he offers, and Spencer finds himself smiling.
keep the mood
all i want is here tonight
Spencer's got Ryan under him, wrists pinned against the mattress. "Spencer," he says, his voice raw. "This isn't fair."
"Nope," Spencer agrees, grinning against the side of Ryan's neck. He scrapes his teeth against Ryan's pulse, just lightly, and Ryan's hips cant up against his. "No," he tells him. "You said you wanted me to make the rules tonight, remember?"
"Yeah, I fucking remember," Ryan says. "Since when do you play by my rules?"
"Since you actually started making good ones," he says, and Ryan's laugh, when it comes, is a little breathless.
"Spencer, please," he says, and that's what Spencer's been waiting to hear.
love is paranoid
i left the lights on so you stumble in devotion
Spencer wakes to the bed dipping beside him, to fingers trailing along his neck. "Brendon let you in?" he asks.
"Yeah," Ryan says. His hand leaves Spencer's skin, and Spencer hears the muted sounds of clothing (so many layers, always with the fucking layers) being unbuttoned, unbuckled, tossed aside before the covers are lifting and Ryan's sliding in behind him, stretching out against his back.
His hand settles on Spencer's hip, not moving any further. "You want...?" Spencer asks, leaving it open.
"No," Ryan says. "No, go back to sleep," he says, voice low in Spencer's ear.
little amsterdam
round and around and around i go / round and around this time for keeps
Ryan's not there when he wakes up, and there's something flaring up in his chest that he can't quite name, something that burns through quickly and leaves him feeling a little hollow.
He hears laughter when he's on his way to the bathroom, though, and when he eventually heads into the kitchen, he sees Ryan and Brendon sitting together, each of them clutching a cup of coffee, and they're smiling about something, Brendon ducking his head as he laughs. The hollow feeling dissipates, but there's still that burning there between his ribs, saying yes and mine and ours and always.
He sits down between them, leaning against Brendon's shoulder and stealing Ryan's coffee, ignoring the half-hearted squawk it earns him. "Poor Spence," Brendon says, ruffling his hair. "Rough night?"
"No," Spencer says. Brendon's hand stills but he doesn't pull back, his thumb brushing Spencer's ear, making him shiver. Ryan's leg is pressed against his, and the coffee is strong and hot and sweet, and it's the first time in months he hasn't wanted to go back to bed as soon as he got up. "No," he says again. "It was just a good one."
*
song list
1. wolf parade - you are a runner and i am my father's son
2. hedley - villain
3. david usher - black black heart
4. natasha bedingfield - the scientist
5. fall out boy - tiffany blews
6. nick cave and the bad seeds - nobody's baby now
7. the frames - the waltz
8. empires - keep the mood
9. the distillers - love is paranoid
10. tori amos - little amsterdam